The tardy bell sounded but Antonio and I didn’t move from where we stood. The hallways were clear and no one was there except for the two of us. “Do you want me to take you somewhere?” He asked in a soft voice, sensing that something was wrong.
I nodded.
He pulled my chin up with one hand and wiped the one tear that managed to escape with the other. “Come on,” he whispered.
I’d only skipped school two other times in my life, but I wasn’t ready to face AJ just yet – not while I still felt so unsure about everything. This chance to escape was a blessing. Despite the fact that I believed I was doing the right thing, there was an unshakable sadness that settled in on my heart. It weighed me down something terrible.
Antonio and I made our way out to the parking lot without being seen, got into his truck and drove off. I wasn’t sure where we were going and I didn’t bother to ask. We rode in silence without even as much as the sound of the radio. Antonio held my hand in his as he always did when we drove together. I liked that there were some things that I could count on with him. He was comfortingly predictable. He glanced over at me and raised my hand to his lips to kiss it.
Sitting here next to him I was beginning to feel more confident in the decision I’d made; Antonio was the right choice. I leaned my head back on the seat and closed my eyes only to be startled by the sound of AJ’s voice echoing in my head – “I’m just trying to decide whether you’re trying to convince me or yourself.” I heard him as plain as day. My eyes popped open quickly and I sat straight up in my seat. I cleared my throat, trying to dismiss the words. Antonio glanced over at me a few times to make sure I was okay, but didn’t say anything. I did my best to dismiss the harsh reality that fueled AJ’s statement and settled back against the headrest.
We’d driven nearly 30 minutes before finally coming to a stop in the parking lot of a restaurant that I didn’t recognize. I reached to unbuckle my seatbelt and waited as Antonio came around to open my door. He took my hand and led me inside. The waitress seated us at a quiet table in the corner near a window and we were silent for a few minutes before Antonio began to speak. “Do you wanna talk about it, or is it something personal?” He asked.
“It’s not that, I just had some issues to sort out and I guess it was harder than I thought it would be.”
“I won’t keep bugging you about it; I just wanna be sure that you’re okay,” he said.
I nodded my head, unable to look him in his eyes. I could feel him staring at me intently as he tried to read my expression and uncover my secret, but all he found there was sadness. The waitress came to our table and took our order. I wanted nothing more than a glass of water. My stomach was queasy and I didn’t want to make it any worse than it already was. Antonio seemed concerned that I wouldn’t eat, but he didn’t make a fuss. She left us and we were alone again. “Did you have a good time at the dance?” He asked in a low voice and then reached across the table to clasp my hands in his.
“Of course I did. I always have a good time with you.”
“You looked really good in that dress. I had to make sure to look you in the eyes ‘cause I knew your dad was watching me.”
I smiled weakly. “Yeah he was definitely waiting for you to mess up, so he’d have an excuse to keep me home.”
“I can’t blame him for trying to keep you under wraps. If I had a choice in the matter you wouldn’t go anywhere. I’d keep you locked up with me somewhere all day,” he said smiling. It soon faded and his voice took on a more serious tone. “I really care about you Sam…...I mean I really care about you.” I braced myself, unsure where this conversation was going. Then he said the words I wasn’t sure I could handle hearing. Not on this particular day. “I love you.”
I stared back at him for a moment, shocked. My brain was overloaded already and I wasn’t prepared to add this to the equation. Feeling Antonio’s eyes on me, I knew that he needed a response. I searched my heart before answering, being sure that I only responded in truth. Those words are too important to ever utter them without them being absolutely true. Did I share these feelings? In my head, I traveled back to the beginning of our relationship. I closed my eyes for a moment and let myself remember. If I erased the past few days from the records and didn’t include AJ in this comparison, I couldn’t remember another person who made me feel as special as Antonio did. Once upon a time he’d been the only guy to affect my heart in any type of way and get my attention. I couldn’t deny that I had strong feelings for him – regardless of the fact that things had become a little cloudy lately.
I took a deep breath and exhaled the words, “I love you too.”
Antonio smiled and kissed my hand again. He seemed to be relieved to hear me say it – almost like he wasn’t sure if I would or not. It was clear from his expression that he was content. I, on the other hand, had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I knew wasn’t supposed to be there. I smiled back and did my best to ignore it. When you tell someone that you love them for the first time you’re supposed to be on cloud nine, right? I should’ve been just as excited as Antonio was. So…why did I feel dread more than I felt anything else?
Shortly after Antonio finished his meal we were back on the road. I mostly daydreamed, again unaware of where we were headed. Every so often I glanced over at him as his eyes watched the road. My prevailing thought was that I’d done the right thing. Whether or not I believed that to be true is another story.
I was beginning to recognize the route Antonio was taking; we were headed to his house. We pulled into the driveway and he turned the car off. I didn’t move as quickly to undo my seatbelt as I had at the restaurant, feeling a little nervous about what his intentions might be. Antonio came around to my side and helped me out once more and we walked to the door in silence. He led me inside, walked me over to the couch, and then retreated up the stairs to his room without saying a word. A half a minute later he returned, shoving something in his pocket before taking the seat next to me. When he turned the TV on I relaxed a little. Maybe this was all he had in mind. He put his arm around my shoulders and hugged them, gently pulling me closer. We watched a few of the usual re-runs that came on at this time of day – What’s happening, Martin, Sanford and Son. By this point, I felt myself getting sleepy. We had time for me to squeeze in a nap so I took advantage. I sat up and laid my head down at the other end of the couch and rested my feet in Antonio’s lap. He automatically began to rub and massage them which made it impossible to keep my eyes open. It wasn’t long before I drifted off.
I’m not exactly sure how much time had passed, but I was awakened by Antonio’s lips pressing against my neck. I could feel his weight on me, pressing me deep into the couch. The heat from his breath on my skin left me feeling disoriented. Part of me knew what was happening, but I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I still wasn’t sure whether I was dreaming or not. My hands were at my sides where they rested lifelessly while he continued to kiss me.
Antonio was always patient with me which is why it surprised me that he chose now to be intense. I’d often wondered if being with a virgin was too much for him to handle, and before now I never thought so. I was in shock. Aside from weakly returning his kiss for the sake of not hurting his feelings, I hadn’t moved. Antonio panted while he touched and kissed me without my permission. Things between us had never gotten this heated before and I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t ready. Did he think that just because he told me that he loved me he now had a free pass?
I felt his hand run up the side of my body and back down again before it came to rest on my hip. He lifted my arms and placed them around his neck, trying to get me into it. Did he notice that he was doing all the work? Did he care or was he only concerned with getting what he wanted? Now I had a pretty good idea what he shoved in his pocket when he came back into the living room – a condom. My hands rested limply on his shoulders as I contemplated how to end this. I wanted out. It was then, when I saw Antonio undoing his bel
t that I began to come to my senses. I didn’t speak up right away, searching for the kindest words that I could find. He undid his pants and mine before I was able to blurt out, “Wait!”
Confusion crossed his face. Breathlessly, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I just don’t think I’m ready for this. Don’t be mad at me.”
I watched Antonio as he tried to hide the frustration that crossed his face. He sighed as he stood to fix his pants before sitting back down on the couch, visibly disappointed. I sat up and adjusted my clothes, wondering to myself if I’d led him on in some way. I cleared my throat as a few awkward seconds passed. I was just getting ready to tell him that he could just drop me back off at my car if he was mad, but then he pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead. The mild tension that had mounted between us began to melt away and I even felt a little relieved.
“You’re not mad?” I asked.
He shook his head and sighed. “No. I could never get mad at you.”
Nervous, I fidgeted with my nails. My heart was still racing from the close call. “I’ll be ready soon. Just……just not today,” I added.
Antonio smiled and leaned his head against the back of the couch. “Sam, you don’t have to rush for me. I just…..I guess I just thought…… Nothing,” he finally concluded.
He seemed to be lost in his thoughts so I didn’t bother asking what he was going to say. Instead of continuing to talk about it, I leaned into his side and we sat there in silence, listening to the music that lulled from the radio.
At 2:00 we headed back to school with enough time for me to get to my car without anyone spotting us together. I kissed Antonio once before getting out of his truck, still feeling a little embarrassed for rejecting him earlier.
When I reached my house, I sat there with the engine running and my hands still on the steering wheel. Now, the awkward encounter was at the back of my mind; thoughts of Antonio admitting his true feelings to me were at the forefront. He loved me. I think deep down I already knew this, but it was different now that he’d confirmed it. I smiled to myself before finally turning the car off and walking up to the door. I sat my things down and lay across my bed just as my cell phone went off. I groaned as I got back up to grab it from my purse. When I sat back on the bed my heart sped up. It was a text from AJ and I wasn’t ready to answer any of his questions – where I’d been; why I hadn’t called or texted all day. But I was still fighting my feelings for him so I gave in and read the message anyway.
“U ok?”
“I’m fine.” I replied.
“Y’d u ditch 2day?”
“It’s complicated,” was the best and most accurate answer I could give him without needing to go into detail.
“Could’ve just said u don’t wanna talk about it.”
I managed to smile. He’d seemed to figure me out a little already.“Touché,”I replied, knowing he’d catch the hint of cynicism in my tone.
“K, just wanted 2 make sure u were good. Call or text if u need 2 talk.”
“Will do. Thanks for checking on me.”
He took a minute to respond this time. “Of course I’m gonna check on u, but ur welcome.”
My cheeks burned as I blushed just from texting him. The feelings that flared the day before were still very prevalent and it became clear to me that if I was going to stick to my decision I’d have to limit contact with AJ until I was completely over him. I had to consider his feelings too and I didn’t want him to be hurt by my behavior any more than I wanted to hurt Antonio. It was important that I stood firm and didn’t lead AJ on, and nor did I want to be so harsh that I ended up hurting his feelings. That was a tall order, but clearly this was how it had to be.
The next day at school I was careful to avoid AJ in the halls. I didn’t know any of his classes except for the one we shared, so there were a few close calls. I’m sure I looked like a total idiot to this unsuspecting freshman boy when I jumped in some random teacher’s classroom and hid behind her coat rack during passing time, but it was my only escape. AJ was coming down the hall in my direction and I had no other choice. Once I was sure he passed, I continued on to my class.
I skipped lunch and went to the library to avoid him again, but I was fighting the inevitable. Government was next and he’d be sitting beside me in his seat and there would be no getting out of it. I couldn’t afford to skip again, but the thought definitely crossed my mind.
The time went by too quickly. Before I knew it the bell rang and it was time to face him. I walked slowly to the classroom hoping to prolong my time. At the door, I took a deep breath and sighed before walking in. Luckily, AJ wasn’t there yet, but Leslie was. She smiled and waved at me excitedly. It’d been days since she and I had spoken. Her positive energy was refreshing considering my current state of mind; it made me feel a little better about everything. She came and sat by me with a small stack of papers in her hand. She set them on my desk before explaining what it was.
“This is the research I did for our project over the weekend. I brought it to give to you yesterday, but of course you were absent, so I just gave AJ his. I’m thinking that we need to get together sometime this week if we’re gonna get this done on time.” She was right, but I was definitely uneasy at the thought of spending so much time with AJ. It was unavoidable though.
AJ entered the room on cue and glanced over in my direction before taking his seat next to me. My nerves made my heart speed up. Ms. Jamison took to the chalkboard once the tardy bell rang and Leslie returned to her seat at the front of the class. Ms. Jamison wrote a few page numbers on the board that she was assigning for us to read during class. I turned to reach down for my back pack and hesitated. When I looked up AJ was smiling at me. “After you,” he said softly, obviously referring to one of our first encounters that was quite painful if I recall correctly.
“Thank you,” I replied, only looking into his eyes briefly. I retrieved my book and once I was upright again he reached down into his backpack. I turned to the right page and tried to concentrate on the lesson. Ms. Jamison gave us a quick writing assignment and then collected our work before speaking again.
“Class, the remaining fifteen minutes needs to be spent working on your projects with your groups. The due date is going to creep up on you before you know it, so it would be in your best interest to stay on top of it.”
The room filled with the sound of feet shuffling and desks being slid across the floor as groups assembled. AJ and I stayed where we were and Leslie came to join us. She paused briefly, assessing the tension in my face, but didn’t dwell on it for long before she spoke. “So what day is good for both of you to work on this?”
“Any day really. As long as we meet after I get out of practice,” AJ replied.
“Yeah, my schedule is open, so whatever works for you,” I answered.
“Well, how about tomorrow?” She asked
“Sounds good,” A.J and I answered in synch. We looked at each other briefly. He smiled, but I was too tense to return the gesture.
Leslie continued, “So at like…..5:30 or so?
“Sure,” AJ replied. I only nodded in agreement.
“Sam, can we meet at your house ‘cause I don’t want my sisters bugging us?” Leslie asked.
“Yeah that’s fine,” I responded.
“AJ it’s really easy to find her house.“ She stopped and wrote down my address. “GPS it.”
“Thanks. I’m sure I’ll manage to find it,” he said for the sake of appeasing Leslie. Of course he knew where I lived. I felt my face get hot again and I couldn’t look at him. Shortly after that, the bell rang again and I nearly sprinted for the door.
At the end of the day Antonio came to find me at my locker so that he could walk me to my car. “How was your day?” He asked.
“Fine, I guess.”
He paused for a moment. “Look, I uh…..I owe you an apology…..for yesterday. You were upset about stuff and I should’ve controlled myself better than that. It
’s just that….I have a hard time when I’m around you.”
“Please…..don’t apologize.” I felt embarrassed all over again.
“No. That was insensitive of me. That wasn’t what you needed. You needed a friend and I let my feelings get in the way.”
“Well if you insist on apologizing, then I accept,” I said while smiling at him. My hope was that he’d drop the subject quickly. We’d reached my car by this time, so he leaned down and kissed me softly and then turned to go to his truck. I stood there watching him even as he drove off. I turned to reach for the door handle and was startled by AJ walking up behind me.
“Sam,” he called out once to get my attention.
I sighed and then hesitantly responded, “Yeah?”
“Got a minute?”
“Sure. What’s going on?” I asked, nervously readjusting my bag over my shoulders.
“It could be my imagination, but is something going on? You were acting a little strange in class today and yesterday when I texted you.”
“Everything’s fine. I just….” I started and then let my voice trail off. AJ’s eyes softened and my heart fluttered ever so slightly. I needed to put some distance between us – fast!
“What is it?” He asked.
This was it. I hadn’t planned to have this talk so soon, but it seemed stupid to prolong the inevitable. “Well….” I paused and shifted my weight to my other foot as I composed myself. “Remember when we were talking in my room the other day and you asked me if it would make things easier for me if…” The words got stuck in my throat and I gripped the straps of my backpack to keep him from seeing that my hands were shaking. “…..you asked me if it would make things e-easier for me if you….backed off a little.”
AJ’s expression was solemn when he answered. “Yeah, I remember.”
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