I started fidgeting as I felt my resolve begin to waver, but the fact still remained that I had to do this. I had to let AJ know that this…..this…..thing between us couldn’t go any further than it already had. Antonio deserved my full attention and there was no way I could give him that with my thoughts constantly centered on AJ like they had been lately.
I cleared my throat nervously. “W-well, I did some thinking and…..I think that maybe that would be best right now.” He looked at the ground and shook his head like he saw this coming. I wasn’t sure if he was getting mad or what, but I was desperate to make him understand where I was coming from. “AJ, when I’m around you I’m confused and I can’t make sense of things and I hate feeling that way. I’m doing things that just aren’t me…..lying, sneaking around. It just makes me feel like I’m going crazy; like I have split personalities or something.” He crossed his arms over his chest and stared off into the distance instead of at me while he thought. We were both silent for a long time, then I continued. “I think that I like you wayyyy more than I should and I can’t afford to take a chance on you, AJ.” My chest tightened as I bared my soul, but I wasn’t finished. “If you decide later that you don’t want this, then where will that leave me? That makes me feel really insecure about this whole thing – about letting myself feel the way I feel about you.” I paused and tried to gage his expression, but it hadn’t changed since I began my speech. “I really hope you understand what I’m trying to say.”
My heart pounded violently against my ribcage. What was he thinking? Had I said too much? Admitted too much? I felt terribly exposed having told him all of this not knowing what was going on inside his head. AJ let a few seconds pass without saying one word. I thought my heart might come through my chest.
“I understand…..” he finally replied. “…..and I promised you that if you decided that space was what you needed, I’d do my best to give it to you.” He paused and took a step in my direction, causing me to tilt my head back in order to look him in the eye. When he spoke again, it was in a low, forceful tone. “But there’re some things you should know first. I have very strong, and very real feelings for you, Sam. I thought you knew that. And had I known my sincerity was in question I would’ve told you sooner, but that’s beside the point. I won’t force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, but you’re making a huge mistake,” he said confidently, never blinking, never waning.
My eyes fluttered and I felt a little unsteady on my feet at his admission. AJ was so sure when he spoke that I believed every word of it – for a moment, even the part about this being a mistake. I folded my arms over my chest and struggled not to falter. I clenched my jaw and stared into his eyes. They were filled with so much raw emotion that I could hardly stand it. We stood there for what felt like forever before he finally turned to walk away. I stood there with my back leaned against the car trying to keep it together. His response caught me completely off guard and I was already beginning to second guess myself.
That evening, I received a phone call from Antonio. I’d just settled into bed and turned on the radio when I heard it ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” he replied. “What you up to?”
“Nothing, just got ready for bed. I was about to call you,” I answered.
“I guess I beat you to the punch.”
“Yeah, I guess you did,” I said smiling.
“I just wanted to hear your voice again before I went to bed.”
“You act like you miss me or something.”
“Maybe just a little,” he laughed. “I wish I could spend all my time with you.” There was a long pause. “That’s why I’ve been thinking. What if I got an apartment near Charleston so we can still be close to each other and I could just drive the hour to school? I keep thinking about being away from you for days at a time and I don’t think I can handle it.”
That was unexpected. Antonio’s plans for school were already set in place and he was supposed to be staying on campus. It flattered me that he was willing to make such a big sacrifice for me. He really is in love. Tears welled up in my eyes, making the difficult conversation I’d had with AJ seem so much more necessary.
“I would love that,” I replied.
“That’s all I needed to hear. I’ll probably start looking for a place after the first of the year.” I could hear through the phone that he was smiling.
“Sounds good.”
“Alright, well I’m gonna let you get some sleep and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”
“You too,” I replied just before disconnecting the call. I reached over, turned my light off and pulled the covers up to my chin. My thoughts were so muddied that I was grateful for a dreamless sleep.
*****
The next morning I must have slept through my alarm because I was startled by the sound of my mother banging on my door and yelling for me to get up. What a great way to start the day. I quickly hopped to my feet, showered, literally swallowed my breakfast, and ran to my car. When I pulled into the parking lot there were no lingering students, indicating just how late I was. I turned the car off and raced for the door.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from AJ. He didn’t try to call or text me after our conversation. It wasn’t my intention to hurt him in any way, but I had to say what I said no matter how unpleasant it was for either of us. In order to stand firm on my decision, I couldn’t allow myself to spend time with him or even communicate with him by phone. My attraction to him was just that strong. How could someone so uncomplicated complicate a situation so much? I forced that thought from my mind because I’d already vowed not to let it be complicated any longer. I’d made my decision and there was no wavering.
I was about ten minutes late, so Mr. Talbert was visibly displeased. I didn’t say a word as I took my seat, but after the bell rang to release us to our first hour, he pulled me aside and lectured me about the consequences of being late to his class. It was strange when he decided to take on the role of disciplinarian because I was so used to him being such a jokester. I listened to his speech and then I was on my way.
I found Antonio in the hall with a couple minutes to spare before the bell would ring. He was glad to see me as always and hugged me like I’d been away for months.
“I missed you,” he stated.
“I missed you too,” I replied with a smile on my face. He stared at me smiling for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. It was obvious from the look in his eyes that his feelings for me ran deep – maybe even deeper than he would ever reveal. “I was thinking we should go out tomorrow night. There’s a new movie I want to take you to see.”
I smiled. “Sounds like fun.”
“Alright, cool. I guess we’d better get to class.”
“K, I’ll see you in a bit,” I replied and watched him walk away.
So far, things seemed to be going well, but that didn’t mean much. Seeing AJ was still going to be potentially stressful depending on how he was taking to the new boundaries on our relationship. There could be many possibilities, but there was no sense in speculating. Ms. Jamison’s class would be a testament of what was to come.
The day seemed to drag on a bit longer than usual. By the time lunch ended, it felt more like it should be time to go home. I walked to Government and took my seat, grateful that I’d made it to class before AJ. When he finally arrived, only seconds before the bell sounded, I was shocked that he passed by me without even so much as a greeting. My mouth gaped open as he took his seat and I realized that he wasn’t speaking to me anymore. I composed myself and tried to focus on Ms. Jamison’s lesson, but this proved to be a more daunting task than I’d expected. I tried not to be aware of him at all, so I closed my eyes and was dead-set on treating him the same way he was treating me. There was no eye contact, no attempts at casual conversation even when our group assembled. Leslie did most of the talking and we only spoke to her instead of each other. The tension was thick enough to cut through. I knew tha
t Leslie was oblivious as to what was going on, but she knew that something was off.
“So, I’ll see you both at 5:30, right?” Leslie inquired.
“Yeah,” I replied dryly.
My cold response seemed to make her uneasy too. “I was hoping you could come get me later. I would’ve just ridden home with you now, but I have to watch Heather until my mom gets in.”
“Sure. I’ll be there around 5.”
“K. Thanks.” She replied and then took another look at AJ and I before sighing and walking away.
When the bell rang AJ rose from his seat without so much as a glance in my direction and then he disappeared out the door. That whole hour, I was painfully aware of the fact that this didn’t feel right. Did it have to be all or nothing with him? Was it really that we couldn’t even be cordial? There was a strange emptiness between he and I that made me uncomfortable. I was dissatisfied with this new arrangement, but there was no other way. I gathered my things and went on to my next class.
*****
Shoot! It’s already 4:58! This was not my day for being on time. I ran out the door and jumped in the car. I’d gotten caught up in a good show on TV and lost track of time, so I raced down the street toward Leslie’s house. I pulled up in her driveway ten minutes later and she was waiting on the porch already. She climbed in the car and didn’t seem irritated at all by the fact that I was late. I drove back home slower than I’d driven to her house. I was in no hurry to be in AJ’s presence again anytime soon because I’d had about all I could take of his attitude. I sighed aloud and tried to think of something else – anything else. That was short lived. As I rounded the corner, I could see his car parked on the street in front of my house. He sat there expressionless staring off into the distance at nothing. He was determined to be as unreasonable as he’d been earlier. Nothing had changed.
Leslie and I got out of the car and walked toward the house. I didn’t turn to see AJ get out, but I heard his car door slam behind me. I walked in and held the door for Leslie…..and A.J, rolling my eyes as he passed by without speaking again. Leslie was comfortable in my house and walked right in and took a seat. I slammed the door a little harder than was necessary and then followed them into the living room where I sat down on the floor. I’d already taken out all the supplies we’d need before I got caught up in the TV show earlier. Everyone was silent – even Leslie – as we each took a different section and worked individually.
We worked for the next two and a half hours in almost complete silence before Leslie finally broke in. “Well, I think we got a lot done today. Do you mind running me home now? I have other homework I have to get done. “
“Sure. No problem,” I replied. I felt a rush of relief as I realized that I was about to get a break from AJ’s dismal presence.
“Thanks,” Leslie said as we got up to walk toward the door and slid our shoes on. I opened the door while AJ and Leslie said goodbye to one another. Of course he still said nothing to me, so I didn’t bother speaking to him either as he turned to walk to his car. This silent treatment he called himself giving me was so juvenile.
I drove Leslie home and hoped that she didn’t think my silence was on account of anything she’d done. I just wasn’t up for small talk. When she exited the car I tried to smile as I told her goodbye, but on the inside, I was furious with AJ. Who does he think he is? I was nothing but honest with him and considerate of his feelings and apparently this was his response.
It seemed like the atmosphere was responding to my rage. The rain was falling in sheets and thunder boomed in the background. Despite the fact that I could barely see, I drove through the streets at top speed as if it was a clear, sunny day. The drive that should have taken at least ten minutes only took me six. I was still fuming when I rounded the corner approaching my house.
I growled audibly as I gripped the steering wheel when, to my surprise, I returned to find AJ’s car still sitting in the same spot as if he’d never left. I whipped into the driveway and snatched the key from the ignition before stepping out into the pouring rain. When I slammed the door he was already halfway to me. I had my sights set on him and I had my mouth fixed to go off on him in the worst way possible.
“Who do you…,” was all I could get out before he grabbed my face firmly in both of his hands and kissed me with such intensity that if he hadn’t been holding me my legs would’ve given way. Our lips met with such violence and force, packed with all the emotion that we both had bottled up; anger…..frustration…..longing. We were both struggling to catch our breath, unwilling to separate ourselves even for that. I ran my fingers through his rain-drenched hair and pulled him to me as he bit down on my lip. No matter how tight I held him, it felt like I couldn’t get close enough. I’d never in my life experienced such a rush. In those moments, I was crazed for him – obsessed with this feeling. I knew what it must feel like to get high. It was like I’d been trying to get here – to him – all my life even though I didn’t realize that it was him my world was missing.
We stood there kissing in the rain for so long that I lost track of time. As the rage and aggravation gave way to desire, the kiss slowed, deepened, and we became absorbed in the sensuality of this first intimate moment. AJ had even made me forget about the torrential rain as everything around us disappeared. When we finally separated ourselves we could only stand there staring into each other’s eyes, neither of us speaking one word. Slowly, AJ turned and walked back to his car, looking back one last time as I stood there in the rain. I watched him drive off, imaging that he was just as stunned by the passion ignited by our kiss as I was.
I could still feel his lips on mine. For the first time, I was aware of the chilling rain, but I feared that if I moved the feeling would disappear. I eventually got myself together and walked into the house. Once in my room, I was overwhelmed by a flood of emotions that brought me to tears. I closed my door and sat against it sobbing. The frustration that I felt toward myself was immense, but some of it was maybe even aimed at AJ for not keeping his promise…..or his distance. He was supposed to stay away. He was supposed to give me space so that I could keep my mind off of him while I untangled the mess of feelings that occupied my heart these days. My feelings for him were obviously becoming stronger and I was now absolutely sure of one thing…..I couldn’t leave him alone.
So what now? I asked myself this question as I sat there toiling. What about everything I’d said about not jeopardizing what I had with Antonio? Had I changed my mind that fast? The answer was yes. With one kiss, AJ not only weakened my resolve, he’d completely rearranged my whole plan. All of a sudden, I found myself feeling extremely selfish as I fought the idea of holding on to them both. But what if I got caught up? What about Antonio? Was I ready to be done with him if things didn’t end well? No…..I wasn’t ready to do that either. I frowned as I slowly began to realize how this was all going to have to play out. If I was unwilling to let go of either of them that meant that I had to be prepared to do a ton of lying and sneaking around which made my head spin just at the thought of trying to cover all my tracks.
I revised my original plan and was surprisingly content with accepting that I was going to continue to be unfaithful to Antonio so that I could have AJ too. I’d justified my actions with the realization that I had to have them both; Antonio, who I’d belong to openly, could never know what was going on; and AJ, who’d be fully aware of the entire situation and would secretly have a huge part of my heart that belonged to him too.
I lie there on the floor for hours trying to figure out where this new corrupt version of my former self came from. Neither AJ nor Antonio had any idea the type of selfish creature I was capable of being. I was putting my own feelings before anyone else’s and that sickened me, but I couldn’t help myself. No matter how bad I felt about what I was about to do, I’d made up my mind that I wouldn’t deprive myself of either one of them. Eventually I picked myself up off the floor, lay in my bed and continued to cry until sleep overtook
me.
Chapter Five
When I awoke the next morning I looked a mess. My hair was flying in every direction and my eyes were still red and swollen. While I looked like everything had fallen apart on the outside, I was surprisingly calm on the inside. I’d become more keen on going through with my plan sometime during the night as I slept. In the shower, I washed away all traces of guilt and emerged a new person. In the mirror, the girl who stared back at me looked sure and confident and I realized that I was ready to do this. I drove to school without the radio on, needing my head to stay clear. As I entered the building, I reminded myself why I’d made such a hideous decision that could cost me more than I was willing to admit. There was absolutely no other way.
Walking down the hall I never focused on one face that I passed and I made it to homeroom without seeing either Antonio or AJ. That was a relief for the moment because I wasn’t quite sure how to carry out my plan. I’d definitely have to cue AJ in on my revelation from the night before. Was I even sure that he’d go along with having to be in the background? What if he wasn’t willing to hide our relationship? Was it even fair for me to expect that of him? There was only one way to find out.
I devised a plan while I sat at the back of Mr. Talbert’s class. Once I’d been in my first hour for about ten minutes I’d fake a stomach ache and ask to be excused to the office. Kyla and I had that class together, so I had to make sure that my acting was believable. AJ would have to agree to meet me in the school auditorium, which I was sure would be empty because there weren’t any assemblies or anything going on today. That could work.
I pulled out my phone inconspicuously and held it under my desk. It was time to text AJ now so he could get his story together for his teacher.
“Think u can sneak out of ur 1st hour?”
Enough time passed before he responded that I considered that he may still not be talking to me. I guess that was silly considering the kiss the night before. A moment later I received his message.
Gravity (Free Falling) Page 9