“yeah, y?”
“I need 2 talk 2 u. Kinda important.”
“sure.”
“k. about 10 mins into class ask 2 b excused. I’ll meet u in the auditorium.”
“K.”
Everything was all set. I settled back in my seat and waited for the bell to ring. When it finally did, I arose from my seat and was a girl on a mission. I made it to Math without Antonio seeing me; I wasn’t really ready for that part yet. My first order of business was to deal with AJ.
As planned, exactly ten minutes into class I approached Mr. Kendall’s desk and asked him if I could have a pass to the office, feigning a stomach ache. He signed the pass and then I free to go.
I walked down the stairs and made my way to the auditorium doors. After double checking for witnesses, I crept inside. It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust in the almost complete darkness. I felt around for the wall to lean against while I waited and gasped aloud when my hands came to rest on AJ’s chest.
“You scared me,” I gasped.
“I noticed,” he replied, sounding like this brought a smile to his face.
There was a brief moment of silence before I decided to let him in on why I’d asked him to meet me here. “There’s something that I want to talk to you about and I’m not really sure how to say it or if I should say it, but I guess here goes.” I took a deep breath, held it for a minute and then released it slowly. “What I said the other day in the parking lot about needing my space? Yeah……turns out that was a pretty stupid idea. I want…..no that’s not right.” I shook my head, grateful for the darkness that hid my nervousness. “I need you in my life and I can’t settle for just being friends. I thought about this for a long time last night and I still haven’t really worked out the details yet, but……I at least needed to let you know where my head is. Now, there’s still the issue of Antonio, but like I said I haven’t really worked that out. Please, just be patient and let me deal with him the way I think is best.”
AJ listened patiently to my rant without interrupting until he was sure that I was done talking. “Sam, you already know how I feel. I seriously did try to respect your wishes, but I couldn’t help it last night. Clearly, I wanna be with you too…..but I need to be clear on what you’re asking me to do.”
There was no easy way to say it, so I made it quick…..kind of like ripping off a band-aid. “I’m not sure that I’m ready to let go of Antonio completely, but I’m sure that I’m not ready to let go of you.” I sighed, realizing how bad this sounded. “I’m asking you to give me time to figure this out…..but I can’t deal with not being with you.”
Neither of us spoke as I imagined he was trying to grasp what I was asking him to do. AJ sighed and then broke the silence. “You want to be with me, but no one else can know.” This wasn’t a question. He’d fully understood what I was asking. “Before I answer, I want you to understand something first.” I heard him take a step in my direction before gently taking both of my hands in his. “If I wasn’t absolutely sure that you’d eventually come to your senses and see that you want to be with me….only me…I would never agree to this. I don’t want you to do anything before you‘re ready. I suppose we didn’t exactly choose to hook up under the best circumstances, so I can see how this has gotten to be kind of complicated for you.” He sighed again and I held my breath while I waited for him to continue. “With that being said, I’ll do what you’re asking.” He laughed to himself. “Besides…this could be fun.”
Before I could say anything else, AJ’s lips were on mine. He lifted my hands to his shoulders and I eagerly wrapped them around his neck, breathing deeply as he pulled me closer. I didn’t stop him; it felt too right. I unclasped my hands and slid them down to the collar of his shirt, pulling him to me even more. That feeling of not being able to get close enough returned and I felt like I might try to keep him locked in that auditorium with me all day. I could feel him smiling while we still kissed.
“I think we should go before someone get’s suspicious,” AJ whispered breathlessly when he finally separated his lips from mine.
“I know,” I said in a sad tone as I tried to slow the air rushing into my lungs as I panted. The taste he left behind on my lips would have to be enough to tie me over. I licked them to savor it as I closed my eyes. It was now crystal clear just how powerful the hold he had on me was becoming. We quickly kissed again before AJ opened the auditorium door, letting the light from the hallway flood our momentary oasis. Once he was sure that we’d be able to make a clean break, he told me to run for it and he’d be a few steps behind me. On the other side of the door it was like a switch had been turned off. Neither of us looked back at the other as we went in separate directions back to our classes.
I returned to Math and explained to Mr. Kendall that I was feeling better. He didn’t question me, so I turned and went to my seat. It was hard to keep myself from smiling as I thought about my meeting with AJ, but it was useless. To keep from looking like a total idiot, I had to put my head down and I stayed like that for the remainder of the hour. When the bell rang I was reminded that I’d have to face Antonio at some point in the day and that time may be now. I walked toward the door slowly fearing that he could be waiting for me. As soon as I crossed the threshold, there he was……of course. My heart stopped beating. I’d been hoping for more time to recover after seeing AJ before having to face Antonio, but no such luck.
He didn’t hesitate to reach for me, and in an instant I was in Antonio’s arms. I had this strange fear that he would somehow be able to sense that I’d been with AJ. Did he smell his cologne on me? Were my lips still flushed red from our intense kiss earlier? When he released me from his grip I backed up a little and fidgeted while trying to inconspicuously sniff my clothing. Antonio stared at me curiously for a second before speaking. “You alright?”
“Huh…Yeah, I’m good.” I replied nervously while my eyes shifted back and forth like a criminal. “How’re you?”
“Good now that I’m with you,” he said smiling. “I checked the movie times last night and there’s one starting at 7:30 and another one at 8:15. Which one you wanna shoot for?”
I’d completely forgotten about our date tonight. “Um…7:30 is fine,” I replied.
“Ok, I’ll be there to get you at like quarter to seven then.”
“Sounds good. Well look, I have to get to class. There’re a few questions I need my teacher’s help on before I have to turn in last night’s homework,” I lied.
“Ok.” Antonio was obviously suspicious of my behavior. “I’ll see you later then.”
“Yeah, see you.” Hopefully, I hadn’t been too obvious. If I was going to pull this off I’d have to hold it together better than that.
For the rest of the morning, I was fortunate enough not to run into either Antonio or AJ; which may have been because I was dodging them. Lunch was a bit more complicated though. I didn’t feel much like eating, so I just joined my friends at our table. Terrance was seated next to Leslie and there was an empty space between her and Antonio that was evidently being saved for me. As I approached them, I tried to search for AJ discreetly, but didn’t see him anywhere. Maybe he wasn’t going to show. That would certainly make things easier for me. I was quiet when I took my seat, still lost in thought.
“Hey girl, what’s up?” Leslie greeted me.
“Hey,” I replied.
“I was thinking that you, me, and AJ need to get together at your house again Saturday.”
Why oh why did she have to bring this up now? It felt like if I moved I’d give everything away. Hearing AJ’s name mentioned aloud in Antonio’s presence was extremely uncomfortable and I could have died right then and there. Although I was pretty sure that he had no idea of what was going on, it was still a little too much for me.
Hoping that Leslie would drop the subject, I replied quickly. “Yeah that’s fine.”
“Maybe this time you and AJ can actually talk to each other. Then maybe we can be a bi
t more productive than last time.”
Shoot! Leave it alone, Leslie! I tried to laugh it off. “Yeah……maybe.”
“I don’t know what his problem was. Weird,” she continued.
“Well maybe he just doesn’t like me or something. You know that can happen. Everyone doesn’t have to get along,” I said defensively.
“Maybe,” she said quietly, detecting the harsh tone of my voice.
“Sure didn’t seem that way at Homecoming,” Antonio muttered under his breath as he jabbed his fork into his food.
I glanced at him momentarily and then looked down at the table trying not to hyperventilate. I had to force myself to act normally so I started talking to Leslie again, about something else of course. “So what do you and Terrance have going on this weekend? Any plans?”
“No nothing that I know of,” she said as she glanced at him to see if there was something that she’d forgotten. So much for that conversation I guess. As I sat there searching for something else to talk about, my heart sank to my stomach. A.J walked into the lunchroom and his eyes were on me the entire time. Even once he’d taken his seat he continued to stare. I made myself turn away so that I wouldn’t call attention to him, but I was too late. Antonio had followed my eyes right to AJ. He looked over at me again, but I’d already turned away.
“I’m really starting not to like this dude,” Antonio said dryly.
Ignoring his statement and pretending that I hadn’t heard a thing he’d said seemed like the best way to handle it. I was too scared to look over at Antonio because I didn’t know what he was thinking. He continued to eat in silence and I could only hope that AJ had found something more interesting to look at than my face. I needed Antonio to stay totally unaware of what was going on behind his back. That’s how it had to be.
Lunch seemed to drag on slowly. When the bell rang I jumped to my feet, wanting to escape the uncomfortable atmosphere surrounding me. I halted when I heard Antonio speak. “Wait up. I’m walking you to your class.” The way he said it let me know that this wasn’t just a kind gesture. Antonio was making a point; he wanted A.J to see that I was with him. There was nothing I could do and no point in responding.
When we reached the door to Ms. Jamison’s classroom, I hesitated for a moment before peering inside. A.J was already there, leaned back with his legs stretched out on either sides of his desk, and his arms folded across his chest. He was staring at the door with an intense look on his face that almost made me feel like he’d expected this. Antonio met his gaze and didn’t break it even when he spoke to me. “I’ll see you in a little while.” He stood there with his eyes still on AJ who also did not waver. Another second passed and Antonio finally turned and walked away. On the way to my seat, I breathed a sigh of relief.
Things were beginning to get out of hand very quickly. It became obvious that Antonio was suspicious of AJ’s intentions although he seemed to still be unaware of my role in the situation. I was yanked from my train of thought by AJ mumbling to himself under his breath. What he said was unclear, but his expression was angry now. Was he upset with me for putting him through this? Was he angered by Antonio’s antagonistic behavior? There were so many possibilities that I gave up. He still hadn’t looked at me since I’d taken my seat. Eventually Ms. Jamison began her lesson and it went in one ear and out the other as I played out different scenarios in my head. All of a sudden, I was aware of AJ’s eyes on me. It took a second, but then his expression softened up a bit as I met his gaze. There was just a hint of a smile on his face, but he didn’t stare long before turning his attention back to Ms. Jamison.
When class ended Leslie came over to AJ and I to inform him about Saturday. We agreed on 3:00 as a good time to meet, and then she left the room. A.J and I approached the door at the same time on our way out and he stepped aside to let me through first. As I passed, he gripped my hand for a fraction of a second, acknowledging the secret that we shared. Neither of us looked at the other as we exited and went our separate ways.
After school, Antonio was already waiting at my locker. I approached him slowly, still uneasy about the incident earlier. He was leaning against the lockers and staring off thoughtfully in the distance, so engrossed that I don’t even think he noticed me until I began to fidget with my lock.
“Hey,” I said in a low voice.
“Hey,” he replied, still staring off in the distance.
I grabbed the two books that I needed to do my homework for the weekend and then closed my locker. Antonio headed toward the door without another word and I followed behind him silently. He walked me to my car and held the door open for me. No hug…..nothing. I got in after staring at him for another second, searching for some sort of hint to tell me what he was thinking.
“Are you still coming to pick me up later?” I asked sheepishly.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.
“I don’t know, it just seems like there’s something bothering you. I thought maybe you’d changed your mind.”
“I’ll be there,” he replied flatly.
“Ok, I’ll see you later then.”
“Yep,” he stated with zero emotion. That was all Antonio said before slamming my door shut and walking away, never looking at me once. I lowered my head in shame as I thought about what I’d done. Although he didn’t know exactly what was going on, he was beginning to feel insecure and that was my fault.
*****
The smell of paint and lacquer were heavy in the air. It was a potent aroma that appealed to me. My CD player clicked a few times as it came to life and I flopped down on the small couch against the back wall of the attic. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as the music helped me drift into my zone. In spite of my fatigue, it was useless to even think about napping. My eyes drifted from one painting to the next as I thought back to the incident in the lunchroom. I focused in on a piece I’d completed about a year ago that was inspired by my feelings for Antonio before he became aware of how I felt about him. There were clean lines and solid images that I later came to associate with the simplicity of our relationship. Everything was effortless. He and I had so many things in common and many of the same goals in life. We just seemed to fit together. As my eyes danced over the vibrant blues and reds before me, I suddenly felt inspired to create a new painting that arose from a very different inspiration. However, it would have to wait until some other time because I hated starting a picture and not being able to devote my undivided attention to it.
As I got ready for our date that night, I tried not to think about Antonio’s behavior as we’d parted ways that afternoon. Hopefully, he’d be in a better mood by the time he showed up to get me. Maybe that was too much for me to ask. Truth be told, I deserved much more than for him to be giving me the cold shoulder.
I appraised myself in the mirror and tried to prepare for whatever was to come that evening. The doorbell rang and I heard Daddy let Antonio in, so I took one last approving glance at the mirror and made my way downstairs. I hesitated before finally looking to meet Antonio’s gaze. It seemed as though he’d found some sense of peace since our last encounter, but he still didn’t look like his usual easygoing self. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Daddy gave me a hug and whispered me a reminder about my curfew before releasing me from his arms.
Antonio was silent as we pulled away from my house. I searched for something to say, but he beat me to the punch. “I’m sorry for earlier.”
“It’s fine,” was all I could say without allowing him to see the guilt on my face.
“I was just trying to keep my cool. That AJ dude was real close today.” I froze in my seat as he continued. “I ain’t no punk and he’ll find that out real quick.”
Antonio had a different side to him that only showed up when he got angry. He’d never been mad at me, but I’d witnessed it once before during the summer when we visited a water park not too far outside of Fairfax. I’d never been as scared of anyone as I was
of him that day.
There was some random guy there with a group of his friends and they felt the need to make some really obscene comments about me in my swimsuit. I ignored it mostly, but Antonio lost all sense of reason. It happened so fast that I don’t even remember how it started, but Antonio grabbed the guy by the neck and held his head under the water, nearly drowning him. It took about five guys to stop him. Lucky for him, we made it out of there before the cops showed up. When he realized that his outburst had me shaken, he apologized, but I decided that day to always stay on his good side. That wasn’t something I wanted to see again.
I wanted to hurry and think of something to say before he interpreted my silence as guilt……which wouldn’t have been too far off. “I honestly don’t think he likes me at all, let alone in the way you’re thinking. You heard Leslie, he’s rude to me…..doesn’t even really speak.”
“Trust me. I’m a man just like he is and I know what he was thinking. He’s feelin’ you, Sam. Trust me!” Antonio insisted.
“Well, I think you’re wrong.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.” There was a brief silence before he continued. “What time are you all supposed to be getting together at your house Saturday?”
My heart sank because I knew where this was headed. What should I say? One thing is for sure, the truth was out. But then again, if I lie and he finds out from Terrance that Leslie was supposed to come over my house at 3:00, I’d be caught.
“Uh…..I don’t remember what time we settled on exactly. I’ll have to call Les to find out.”
“Well let me know when you do find out,” he replied.
“Sure.” Crap!
*****
As we stood in the long line to buy our tickets I couldn’t help but to think about how I was going to get myself out of this one. There was absolutely no way I could have them both at my house at the same time. That would be a disaster for sure. I couldn’t lie to Antonio; he’d find out the truth from Terrance. Canceling seemed like the most likely choice, but Antonio may become suspicious about what my motives were. There didn’t seem to be a plausible solution. While wrestling with my dilemma, I could feel my phone vibrating in my purse. I didn’t want Antonio to see me checking it, so I made up a lie to get me away from him for a moment.
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