“Bye, Les,” I said while trying not to sound too eager for her to leave. When she stepped out onto the porch, she glared at me one last time and then turned to walk toward Terrence’s car with AJ a few yards behind her.
As soon as I closed the door behind them, I grabbed my phone from the pocket of my hoodie and dialed AJ’s number. He answered quickly and agreed when I asked him just to circle the block a couple times and then come back. Two minutes later he returned with a huge smile on his face, and I didn’t even fully let him inside before I started kissing him.
“Aren’t your parents coming back soon?” he asked.
I hadn’t really considered that. “Hold that thought.”
I quickly concocted a simple plan to find out how long it would be before they returned home without making them suspicious. I walked over to the end table, picked up the house phone and dialed my mom’s cell.
“Hello?” She answered.
“Hey, Mom. Can you guys bring me something to eat on your way home? I’m hungry.”
“We’ll be here probably another couple hours, so just find something in the kitchen,” she replied.
“Fine,” I sighed insincerely. “See you when you get back.”
I hung up the phone and smiled at AJ. “Looks like we have a while.”
“I’m impressed,” he replied smiling back at me.
I assumed my original position with my arms around his neck and my lips on his. There was nothing holding me back now and I allowed myself to get lost in him. Nothing was going to spoil this moment. I ran my hands through his hair as I’d dreamed of doing so many times before. The kiss intensified and we’d somehow ended up back on the couch where things started getting pretty serious……when the doorbell rang. I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes again. I had a bad feeling…….
I walked slowly toward the door, making sure that my clothes and hair were in order before I opened it. I was right…..this was bad.
“Hey,” I said as calmly as possible.
“Hey,” Antonio replied.
How was I going to explain to him that Leslie was gone and AJ and I were now here alone? He’d already seen AJ’s car outside and I couldn’t lie and say Leslie hadn’t left. He could easily find out that I was lying from Terrence who had just picked Leslie up. I was stuck.
Antonio brushed past me without waiting for an invitation and I could see that he was immediately curious about Leslie’s whereabouts. I put my head down and waited for the questions to start coming.
“Where’s Leslie?” He asked coldly.
My voice was shaky when I replied, “She left a little while ago.”
“Are your parents back?” was his next question.
“No,” I said in a low voice with my eyes still glued to the floor.
AJ was still seated in the living room with his back to Antonio and me. He rested his head on the back of the couch, seemingly at ease although I knew that he could hear us clearly. Antonio exhaled loudly and I saw him tense up. His jaw was clenched and now his eyes were fixed on AJ. It shocked me when Antonio addressed him. “Then what you still doin’ here?”
AJ responded without moving or turning around. “I’m not the one you should be asking.” My heart wasn’t in my stomach…..it was in my toes. This was not happening.
“What did this fool just say to me?” Antonio’s deep voice seemed to shake the house.
“Antonio, wait!” I shouted as he started toward AJ.
My attempt was futile because my strength was no match to his. He pushed past me effortlessly and got right in AJ’s face and I could’ve fainted. I grabbed at his arms trying to hold him back as tears began to stream down my face uncontrollably. I exerted every ounce of strength I had and he didn’t budge an inch. It was inconceivable to me that AJ didn’t even flinch a little at Antonio’s fury. But after letting him run off at the mouth for a few seconds, AJ had all that he could stand. He rose up from the couch and drew back his fist.
“Stop!” I screamed out in horror, barely able to see through my tears now. Everything went silent. “Please stop!” I managed to push out in between sobs.
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t lay this fool out right now,” Antonio’s voice boomed once more. I heard AJ chuckle in response to the threat.
I searched my thoughts for the answer that made the most sense and I let the words tumble out of my mouth. “Because……I love him too,” I whispered as I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands.
The room went silent again for a few seconds and then I heard the door slam. In the next instant, I felt AJ pulling me to my feet, and then he sat me down on the couch beside him. The tears continued to flow and neither of us said a word.
I’d messed everything up just as I predicted, and as a result, my heart ached like my bruised ego. Antonio hated me for sure and I’d just told AJ my true feelings without even knowing if he felt the same way. We sat there together for a long while. He was silent as he listened to me releasing the weight of every secret I’d been holding as I continued to cry. When I came to my senses and realized what I’d just admitted, I began to feel a combination of guilt, embarrassment, and shame. Guilt because I’d hurt Antonio and could possibly end up hurting AJ too. Embarrassment because, until now, A.J had no idea just how strong my feelings for him were. What must he think of me for falling so hard so fast? Shame, because I allowed myself to get so incredibly caught up in both of them that I’d made one bad decision after another without thinking of anyone but myself…...and this is how that turned out.
I lifted my head from AJ’s shoulder and wiped the last of my tears away, but didn’t open my eyes. Unsure of how to read his silence, I couldn’t face him just yet. Is he just letting me have my moment? Or is he trying to come up with an escape plan to get away from the crazy girl who’d just admitted that she was in love with him after only really knowing him for a little more than a week? In the midst of my miserable thoughts, AJ lifted his hand to my chin and turned my face toward him. Next, I felt his lips on mine. It was so gentle that I questioned whether I was imagining it. It didn’t last long, but in those few short seconds he’d reassured me that he wasn’t going to run screaming for the hills. Was it possible that he felt the same way I did?
“Are you gonna be alright?” He asked caringly.
I thought about it and answered as truthfully as I could. “I don’t know.”
I leaned my head back on his shoulder and stared off into space. There was a loud humming noise that could only be one thing…..the garage door. My parents were home earlier than expected. I jumped to my feet and tried not to panic. They’d seen AJ here before they left out this afternoon and were aware that we were doing a project together. There wasn’t really any need for them to be suspicious. The only thing was that now Leslie wasn’t here anymore and I looked like crap from my temporary nervous breakdown. I had to think fast.
“Do you want me to go?” AJ asked.
“No, they would’ve already seen your car.” I thought for another second before deciding just to stay calm. There really was nothing going on, we were just talking, so I’d just tell the truth. Well, most of it anyway.
The next second I heard them coming through the door. Lucky for me Daddy must’ve gone straight to his study, so I didn’t have to explain my story to him too. My mom walked into the living room and stared at me as she assessed my appearance. I hadn’t made it to a mirror, but I could guess that it was pretty bad. Mom hesitated a second before asking, “Are you alright, Sweetie?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I looked over at AJ who showed no signs of being nervous at all. “We were just talking and I got a little emotional. Antonio and I got into it.” She stared at me for another second and then glanced over at AJ.
“Oh, this is my friend AJ from school. You know, we’re doing that government project together,” I explained.
AJ stood to his feet and reached out to shake my mother’s hand, “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Kelley.”
She looked at him for another second before responding. “It’s nice to meet you too, AJ.” Her gaze was on me again as she spoke. “Well, I guess I’ll go and leave you two to talk.” She lingered momentarily, still obviously a bit confused, and then turned to leave the room.
I sighed with relief, both at the realization that I wasn’t going to get in trouble and that I was no longer a prisoner to the lies I’d hidden behind lately. AJ smiled at me and sat back down on the couch. I looked into his eyes and actually felt a brief moment of relief from my anguish, but what must he have thought of my admission earlier.
We sat there on the couch and talked about everything except for what took place that night. I was in no hurry to relive it and AJ respected that. There were obviously questions on both of our minds, but they would have to wait. Somehow, he’d helped me put the disaster that had become my love life out of my mind. We shared embarrassing moments, some of our secrets and he made me laugh more than I would’ve ever thought possible under the circumstances. As it got later, I was overwhelmed by the realization that he’d soon be leaving and I’d be left alone with my thoughts that were sure to consume me.
*****
Sunday came and I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I kept my phone off and I lay there sulking. I didn’t want to hear anything from Leslie, who I was sure had heard some version of the story already and figured out that I’d lied to her. I knew that Antonio wouldn’t call, but I didn’t have to face that fact if there was no way for him to reach me. At about 3:15 I heard my parents come in from church. They didn’t bother waking me to get ready that morning, assuming that I’d had a traumatic night. I heard them come up the stairs and then there was a soft knock at the door.
“Come in,” I called out groggily.
The door opened and my mom walked in with a look of concern on her face as she approached my bed and sat down beside me. “I know you’re upset right now, but it’s not the end of the world, honey. It was just a fight and you and Antonio will be back to normal in no time,” she said in a low voice.
“Mom, everything is not always an easy fix. Sometimes you can mess up so bad that you have to just accept that it’s over.”
“What could you have done that would make him want to call it quits all of a sudden? You two were just hanging out and going to the movies two days ago.”
“It’s complicated and I don’t know if I’m really ready to talk about it yet.”
She leaned her head to the side and watched me toil in mental agony. “Well let’s go to dinner later, just you and me. And if you want to talk then, that’s fine. And if you don’t, that’s fine too. But I think you need to get up and out this bed. It’ll do you some good.”
I thought it over for a moment before replying, “Sure.”
“Ok, we’ll leave out around five; that should give you plenty of time to get yourself together.”
When she was gone I dragged my weary body from my bed and got showered and dressed. I went down to the living room and took a seat on the couch while I waited for her. Could I really talk to her about everything that had gone on? Would she understand? Would she think that I was a horrible person for hurting Antonio? She’d proven to be understanding in the past when I’d talked to her about my problems, but this time was different.
As my thoughts wandered, I heard her making her way down the stairs and then into the living room. “You ready?”
“Yeah.” I answered.
My body felt limp and weak when I lifted myself from the couch to follow her to the car. We drove to the restaurant in silence mostly except for the few insignificant questions that she asked me about school. I was still considering whether I could really bring myself to disclose everything to her.
Inside the restaurant, the hostess seated us promptly and I did nothing but stare blankly at the table. Mom took a deep breath as she prepared to speak. “Are you sure you wouldn’t feel better if you just talked about whatever it is that’s bothering you? I won’t judge you and if you don’t want my opinion I won’t give it, but I think that once you get it out you’ll feel so much better.”
I thought about her words for a minute before deciding that she was probably right, so I sighed and then began to give her the rundown. “I really hurt Antonio’s feelings and he’ll probably never forgive me.”
Her forehead creased and a confused look came over her face, but she didn’t speak.
“Mom, I have feelings for someone else and now Antonio knows about it.”
“Another boy?” She asked, shocked no doubt as she remembered how big of a crush I had on him my sophomore and junior year. I must’ve driven her crazy talking about him and whining about how I thought he’d never notice me.
“Yeah, another boy,” I admitted.
“What…..when…..how did this happen?” She stammered.
“Everything was fine and then it got……complicated. This other guy……he just kinda came out of nowhere.”
“Is he new?” She inquired.
“No, he’s not new, but….all of a sudden I can’t seem to avoid him. I think about him all the time and he seems to really like me too.” Subconsciously, I paused to picture his face. “But, anyway we started talking more and getting to know each other, but somewhere along the way I realized that I love Antonio. And…..it’s just…..complicated.” I sighed.
Mom gazed at me attentively and I searched her face in an attempt to decipher her thoughts. She didn’t look lost despite my incoherent babbling. I waited for her response, but we were momentarily interrupted when the waiter came to take our order. Seconds later, he was gone and I waited for Mom to continue.
“Hmmm…..so the argument with Antonio was about this other guy?” She asked.
“Yeah. Antonio was suspicious…..and I was kind of forced to admit it to him last night,” I stated vaguely, not wanting her to know that the whole event had taken place in our house.
She was silent for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. “So this other guy, he means enough to you to sacrifice your relationship with Antonio?”
“I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I’m so confused right now.”
“Then, honey…..you have to do what your heart is telling you. You’re young and you’ll probably change your mind a thousand times before you’re ready to settle down. You’re allowed to explore your options.” She paused. “Whatever you decide, it’s your choice. Whether you and Antonio work this thing out or you decide to take a chance on this other boy.” She smiled at me and I was definitely glad that I’d decided to talk to her. Her advice helped to relieve some of the guilt I was carrying. “So, tell me about this other boy,” she inquired.
I hesitated because I wasn’t sure what she’d say once she found out that it was AJ after finding us at the house alone the night before. But I remembered that the truth was innocent enough that I had nothing to be afraid of.
“Well, are you gonna tell me?” She said smiling.
I looked away and admitted softly, “Mom…..it’s AJ.”
A look of shock crossed her face. “AJ? The AJ I met last night?”
“Yeah, and I know what you’re thinking.” I needed to explain before she jumped to her own conclusions. “We weren’t doing anything when he was there last night. We really were just talking. He was just consoling me because he knew I was upset about Antonio.”
“No, I trust you. I just didn’t expect that. I had no idea that you liked…..well,” she didn’t finish her sentence. Now I understood where the look of shock had come from. She wasn’t suspicious about AJ and I being alone together last night, but she was surprised because the new object of my affection wasn’t black.
I smiled at her.
She stared a moment longer in disbelief before asking, “So, you really like this AJ?” I hesitated and then answered her question with a question of my own.
“Mom, is it possible to love two people at the same time?”
The surprised expression returned, but she compose
d herself quickly and then responded. “Well, I do think it’s possible. But the thing is it’s never an equal love.” She paused to organize her thoughts. “That’s the difficult part, determining where the imbalance is. Although you may love them both, one of them has more of your heart than the other, and only you can figure out which one that is.” Both of us fell silent while I took her words into consideration.
Back at home, I sat in the middle of my bed and continued to let what my mother said sink in. How do I figure out which one of them has more of my heart? I figured that wouldn’t matter if Antonio wasn’t speaking to me, so I needed to find out where we stood. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and dialed his number. It rang about three times, but then he picked up. “Hello?”
I honestly didn’t expect him to answer when he saw it was me calling, so I hadn’t even really thought about what to say to him.
“Hey,” was the best I could come up with. He was silent on the other end, so I continued. “I know you hate me right now, but I needed to apologize for hurting you. That was never my intention, but this whole thing came out of nowhere, Antonio. And I meant it when I told you that I loved you the other day.”
“I don’t even think that matters anymore,“ he replied emphatically.
“How can that not matter? I really do love you. I just messed things up and I’m sorry for that. All I’m asking is that you think about forgiving me?”
“It’s too soon for all that right now. You’ve been lying to me about this kid the whole time, making me think I was imagining things. I bet you two enjoyed that.”
“No, it was nothing like that. I told you, I never meant to hurt you. The whole thing just…..happened.” I winced at the words as they left my mouth. That phrase is grossly overused, but it was the truth. I’d been strung along by my own feelings as they lead me to and fro. In a sense, I never really had a choice in the matter.
“It just happened,” he repeated. “And I guess you expect me to just accept that and act like I never heard you say that you loved him last night.” The words cut me like a knife hearing them come from his mouth. I closed my eyes and tried to hold my composure as I sat there holding the phone thunderstruck. “Sam, I don’t even think you understand how much you mean to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Just try to imagine for a second what a lonely feeling it is to consider that the one person in the world that you stepped out on a limb for and decided to love did what you did to me last night.”
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