I’d done more damage than I could’ve ever imagined and there didn’t seem to be anyway to rectify the situation. “What do you want me to do, Antonio? I can’t help the way I feel. Believe me if I could, I would. I tried very hard to stop it, but I…..” My words trailed off and a tear slipped down my cheek.
“But…..you love him too.” He added, finishing my sentence.
There was nothing left to say. We sat there for a long time not uttering a single word. The next instant, there was no one on the other end of the phone anymore. I turned it back off for the night, collapsed on my bed and cried. It was really over.
Chapter Seven
I awoke the next morning with the strong urge to stay home from school. I was uneasy about having to face both Antonio and AJ after the events that took place over the weekend. I walked in not knowing what was ahead of me. Homeroom passed by in what felt like only a few minutes. When the bell rang I was out of my seat instantly, wanting to be safe in my class before I’d have the chance to run into either of them. As soon as I stepped through the doorway of Mr. Kendall’s class I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d gotten my wish. After taking my seat I pulled out my book and studied a little in preparation for the day’s test. My weekend had been so hectic, that I hadn’t looked over the material once. Kyla entered the room and took her seat a few rows ahead of me without saying a word. That was odd. It was possible that she was so preoccupied with her thoughts that she didn’t notice me, so I decided to get her attention. “Hey, Kyla.”
Nothing. I was sure that she’d heard me. The class was still nearly empty and you could have heard a pin drop. She was intentionally ignoring me. But why? What happened between Antonio and me had nothing to do with her.
“Is there a problem?” I asked.
With a look that could kill, she turned around to face me. “Well, that’s a pretty stupid question.”
No she didn’t! “Actually it isn’t. Cause, if you’re upset about what I think you’re upset about, it’s really none of your business.”
She rolled her eyes and cocked her head to the side, like she was about to go off on me. “Well, maybe that’s your take on it, but NEWS FLASH……THIS JUST IN…..Antonio’s my friend just like you are. I can’t believe you did that to him! I mean, here we were worried that he’d hurt you and you’re the one who screwed up!”
“Kyla, you don’t even know what you’re talking about. Just mind your own business and worry about you and Brian. I feel bad enough and I really don’t need you making it worse.”
“Seriously, I don’t think it can get any worse. He really loves you and you just did what felt right for you. He’s so upset he didn’t even show up for school today! You’re selfish and you deserve to feel bad.”
I didn’t bother arguing with her. There was already enough for me to deal with without adding Kyla’s self-righteous mumbo jumbo to the pile, so I rolled my eyes at her and sat back in my seat. She turned around and ignored me for the rest of the hour which was fine by me. When class ended she jumped out of her seat and walked out the door without turning around to look at me again. This was something that I hadn’t expected. So now my friends are going to turn their backs on me too? I understood that they’d developed a friendship with Antonio too, but I didn’t think that they would cut me off. I should’ve gone with my first thought and stayed home.
I attended my next class in body only, my mind was elsewhere. It was inconceivable to me how my life could take so many twists and turns in such a short time. I’d daydreamed my way through the entire morning all the way up until lunch, which was sure to be the most uncomfortable situation I’d been in so far that day. I considered skipping it all together and going to the library, but I’d have to face the music sometime, so why not now.
After gathering my belongings and my courage, I made my way to the lunchroom. My friends were sitting at our usual table, already laughing and having a good time. It was going to be hard to separate myself, but I didn’t really have a choice if they all felt as strongly about my actions as Kyla did. There was an empty table not too far from theirs, so I took a deep breath and walked toward it. I was of course not in the mood to eat, so I just sat there and watched the people around me.
AJ walked in about five minutes after me and went straight to the table where he always sat with his friends. First, his eyes darted to the table where he was used to seeing me, but then he quickly became aware of my absence. After searching around hastily, his gaze finally met mine and without hesitation he was on his feet and coming toward my table. He stood there. “Want some company?”
“Sure,” I replied.
He took a seat and watched my fingers drumming nervously on the table while he spoke. “I tried to call you last night, but I kept getting your voicemail.”
“Yeah. I had my phone off most of the day. I needed to think.”
“You ok?”
That should’ve been a simple question to answer, but not in this case. “I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything. A lot’s changed.”
AJ was silent for a moment, still watching my hands. “I’ve been thinking about what happened the other night. You put yourself out there for me and I didn’t really get to respond. I just didn’t think that it was a good time to talk after everything that happened.” He looked up and into my eyes. “But I wanted to let you know that when you’re ready, I want to be with you. No rush or anything; I just wanted you to know where I stand.”
I was relieved and overwhelmed all at the same time. While I was sure of how I felt about him I was still unsure of so many other things. “AJ, I want to be with you too, but there’s just….so much going on that I can’t really think straight.”
His face was so sincere. “Just remember that you’re not going through this alone, though.”
I was relieved to see that he hadn’t changed after everything that transpired on Saturday and I began to think that he was the one thing that I could count on to be the same. “Thanks. I needed that.”
During our brief conversation, I hadn’t paid any attention to our audience at my friend’s table. They were all staring in our direction disapprovingly. It was an uncomfortable feeling knowing that they were all so upset with me. They didn’t turn away when I met their gazes, so I lowered my eyes to the table. AJ could see the tears welling in my eyes, so he reached out and held my hand reassuringly. It was quite possible that after the dust settled he could end up being my only friend.
We walked to Government together and I wasn’t totally sure what to expect from Leslie. AJ could sense that I was nervous, so he continued to keep my slow pace as I trudged toward Ms. Jamison’s class. I knew that Leslie had formed a tight friendship with Antonio too, but our bond was stronger than that. Or at least I hoped it was. I could only hope that she would eventually forgive me and we’d be able to move past it. A. J. and I took our seats and not two minutes later Leslie entered. She went over to her seat and put her things down, stood there for a minute, and was obviously at war within her own subconscious before deciding to come toward us.
“Can I talk to you in the hall?” She asked. I nodded and followed behind her anxiously.
“What’s up?” I asked, once we stopped in front of a locker.
“I should be asking you that. I thought you said there wasn’t anything going on between you and AJ?”
This was ten times more uncomfortable than I imagined it would be. My palms were sweating and I tried to wipe them on my jeans inconspicuously. “Les, I didn’t want to lie to you, but I didn’t know what else to do. I do like AJ and I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen, so I thought it would be best if you stayed neutral. Think about it. What would you have said if Terrence questioned you about it?”
Her expression softened a bit. “I would’ve come up with something.”
“But I didn’t want to put you in that position. You would’ve had to lie to Terrence and you would’ve resented me for that.” Hopefully she understood why this si
tuation was different from any other that we’d ever faced together.
“But why him? What happened between you and Antonio that you all of a sudden don’t wanna be with him anymore? It doesn’t make sense.” She shook her head.
“Nothing happened. He didn’t do anything. It….I…..We….” This was so hard to explain because it didn’t fully make sense to me either. “Sometimes things happen that you don’t see coming. You get blindsided and this was kind of like that.” She stared at me, trying to see where I was coming from. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I just need to know where this leaves us?” I asked.
“I don’t really know. This just doesn’t feel right to me. You’re my girl and all, but…” She didn’t finish her statement. After staring at me for a few seconds she turned to go back into Ms. Jamison’s class, leaving me there alone trying to figure out where we were headed.
At the end of the day, I went to my locker expecting to find Antonio waiting there for me, but was jerked back to reality when I realized that he wouldn’t be meeting me there ever again. I tried my best to suppress my sadness as I grabbed the rest of my things, slammed my locker shut, and headed toward my car. I heard AJ call my name from somewhere behind me and I stopped to wait.
As I watched him approach me, I wanted to be in his arms and stay there until I forgot about everything that went wrong. He was my own personal refuge, and as if he’d read my mind, he embraced me. A minute passed before either of us let go; in that instant I felt as if everything that I’d been through was absolutely worth it. I loved him and he was exactly what I wanted.
*****
I finished my homework early, so by 5:30 I had nothing to do. I organized my desk, throwing away any old papers that I could find. My CD’s were scattered on the entertainment center, so I straightened them too. Cleaning was supposed to keep me busy, but I found that my thoughts were fixed on AJ regardless. A smile crossed my face as images of him flooded my mind. I thought of the way he’d kissed me that night in the rain and of gripping his hair in my hands as his lips moved with mine. I needed to see him again, so I sent him a quick message.
“What’re u doin’?” I sat my phone down on my bed and finished organizing my CD’s.
A minute or two later, he responded. “Homework and missing u. what r u doing?
“Cleaning up my room. Miss u 2,” I replied.
“I want 2 c u,” he said, beating me to the punch.
“I know, I was thinking the same thing.”
“What time do ur parents usually go 2 sleep?” He asked.
“About 11……Y?”
“Meet me at 12,” he suggested.
“?”
“Just go 2 the corner and I’ll b there.”
His offer was tempting, but I’d never tried to sneak out of the house before. “I can’t.”
“Sure u can.”
“No really. I’ll get in trouble,” I said as I tried desperately to resist him.
“Not if you don’t get caught,” he retorted, bringing a smile to my face.
It seemed way too risky and I’d never live it down if I got caught. But I couldn’t fight the urge to see him, so I bit down on my lip nervously and went against my better judgment and replied,“Ok.”
“C U at 12,” he responded.
My heart sped up with the realization of what I’d just agreed to. AJ still had the ability to make my mind and body operate totally independent of one another. I loved his spontaneity; he was completely irrational and exciting. These were some of the reasons that I wanted him so badly.
At 6:30, Mom called me down for dinner and I’d have to work hard at not looking guilty. She’d pick up on it instantly if I faltered even for a second. I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs into the dining room just as she was putting the food out on the table. Daddy wasn’t far behind me. I sat down in my chair and stared at my plate. Get it together Sam. If you get through dinner, there’s nothing else to worry about. I cleared my throat shook off the oncoming worry. Mom joined us at the table and reached for my hand so that Daddy could bless the food. When he was finished we passed the food around and fixed our plates. Mom started off the conversation. “So, how was school today?” She asked.
“It was alright, I guess,” I replied. She looked at my face questioningly and I was grateful that she didn’t push the issue because I was in no mood to relive any of it.
She hesitated for a second before going on. “Well, as long as you’re alright.”
Daddy looked at me curiously as he listened to my mom and I talk. Did I look guilty? Did he see in my expression that I was hiding something? Did he know that I was planning to defy his rules tonight? Of course he couldn’t, but that didn’t stop me from stressing over it. I quickly looked away from him and ate my food as fast as I could. It was imperative that I get up from the table and out of their presence. When I was finished, I walked as quickly as possible to the kitchen and put my plate in the sink. My hands were in a death grip as I held the edge of the counter and closed my eyes, trying to keep myself from overreacting. Daddy knew nothing, but my guilt caused me to imagine that he knew every detail of me and AJ’s plan. I exited the kitchen, sprinted up the stairs and rushed into my room. As I stood there leaning against the door to catch my breath, I managed to convince myself that I was worrying for nothing. The hard part was over and once my parents went to sleep, they were out for the night and I’d be in the clear.
For the remainder of the evening, I stayed up in my room. At around 10:45 I heard the TV in the living room turn off and my parents were on their way up the stairs. Before going to bed Mom stopped by my room. She knocked softly and then peeked her head in. When she sat on the edge of my bed, I looked up from the magazine I was reading.
“Did everything go alright with Antonio today?” She asked.
“He wasn’t there,” I replied. “But my friends are all mad at me now – even Leslie.”
Her expression was sympathetic. “Sweetie, you can’t change how they feel. All you can do is continue to show yourself friendly and let them do whatever they’re going to do. That’s not your problem.”
“I know. It’s just hard to feel like an outsider. I sat by myself at lunch today until AJ finally came in and sat with me.”
“I understand this is hard for you, but it’s just something that you have to go through. It’s part of your process,” she explained.
“Process?” I asked.
“Everyone goes through a process.” She settled in and got more comfortable. “Everyone starts as a piece of unformed stone; untouched. Over time you’ll meet people and have experiences that chip away at pieces of the stone. Some of them remove things that you’re better off without and some of them remove things that were never meant to be taken from you. But in the end, you have a beautiful piece of work…..even with the flaws. We’re all unique because no two people go through the same process.” She put her hand on mine and then continued. “Baby, this is going to pass and when it’s all over you’ll be a better person because of it. I know you feel bad about hurting Antonio, and there may never be a way to mend that relationship even into a friendship, but if you hadn’t told AJ how you felt, don’t you think you would’ve regretted it?” She asked.
The question forced me to search the depths of my heart for the truth. While I loved Antonio, I would’ve never forgiven myself for letting AJ slip through my fingers without even giving it a try. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”
“Then baby, let go of some of that guilt you’re carrying around with you. The only mistake you made was not burning one bridge before you built another one. Now, I know that isn’t usually the advice people give, but the rules are different when it comes to love. You’ve learned your lesson from it and now it’s time to move forward.”
We hugged and I felt the burden on my shoulders lift. Her insight made me see her as more than just my mother, but as a woman who had experiences of her own that were part of her process. Perhaps she too had fa
ced similar difficulties that made her so wise. She kissed my cheek and then got up to go to her room, looking back one last time. “Don’t stay up too much later. You do have school in the morning.” She smiled and shut the door behind her as she went off to bed.
I couldn’t believe how much better our talk made me feel. Who would’ve ever thought that she could see things in such an unbiased light? Not once did she talk to me like she was my mother, but as another woman who had once herself had to feel her way blindly through love.
Only one hour remained before I was due to meet AJ, so I decided to hop in the shower to freshen up. I pulled on my favorite pair of jeans that fit me just right and a top I’d picked up from the mall a few weeks ago. My hair wasn’t cooperating, so I decided to just pull it up into a ponytail. Ten more minutes. I sprayed on some of my favorite perfume, slipped my tennis shoes on and then there was nothing left to do but wait.
I sat there nervously on the edge of my bed. There were so many things that could go wrong; like losing my keys and not being able to sneak back in; getting caught leaving or coming back, but I didn’t want to think about any of that. My excitement overshadowed all of my random worries and in a few short minutes it would just be me and AJ and I couldn’t wait to be near him again. My imagination ran away with me and in an instant I was consumed. Seeing him…..breathing him…..touching him. The desire I felt to be with AJ gave me the courage to go through with the plan.
11:58…..I could feel my breathing speed up as I made my way to my bedroom door. I turned off the light and eased the door open slightly. The house was silent. Closing the door quietly behind me, I slipped out of my room. My movements were stealthy as I stalked quietly down the stairs. I checked my pocket for my keys, and then slipped out the front door. I stood there on the porch for a minute making sure that my parent’s bedroom light didn’t turn on, and once I was sure that I was in the clear, I made a run for it.
Gravity (Free Falling) Page 13