Weapons of Mass Distraction

by Camilla Chafer

  “Thirty-one,” I corrected. “One guy was dead, remember? I don’t think he counts after his demise. Who was he anyway? I’ve seen him at the gym a few times.”

  Maddox checked his notepad. “Jim Schwarz, thirty-seven. Unmarried, no kids. Lives in Harbridge. Works as a lab tech.” He looked up. “You’ve never spoken to him?”

  “No.” I tried to remember him. “I’ve seen him here with a woman a few times. She’s a member too.”

  “You know her name?”

  “No, but she was on the bike to the right of Jim. I saw them having a conversation before class started and she didn’t look too happy. Anton might know who she is.”

  “I have their names. What does she look like?” Maddox asked.

  “Around the same age as Jim, or a little younger. As tall as him too. Light brown hair. Oh, she was wearing a really cute, pink top. If you speak to her, can you ask where she got it?”

  Maddox just shook his head as he snapped the notebook shut. “I’m just going to ask a couple questions for now, then I’m out of here.”

  “What? You’re not going to interrogate anyone?”

  “No reason too. From what I’ve heard, it looks like Jim just had a heart attack, but the ME will confirm. This isn’t a murder, Lexi. Sorry. Don’t look so disappointed. You did the right thing though in calling me.”

  That was disappointing, although in a way… not so much. I really didn’t want to solve a murder at my own gym and since witnessing Jim Schwarz’s death, I knew I would feel compelled to. This was where I sweated, relaxed, and checked myself out in the full-length mirrors. And not where I wanted to be on high alert for possible murderers. But on the other hand… “So what happens now?” I asked, seeking to learn how this would get wrapped up. The dead people I usually came across were murdered, so a natural death was new to me. I sincerely hoped, however, to encounter neither kind of death again.

  “Jim’s body will go to the ME and they’ll want to do an autopsy since it is an unexplained death.” I perked up. Unexplained! Called it! Maddox smiled, continuing, “Don’t get your hopes up. He could have had a weak heart, or an aneurysm. These things happen, Lexi.” He patted me on the shoulder in a friendly way, repeated the motion to the young uni posted on the door, and made for the exit. I followed him out, glad to escape the studio. I wondered if I would ever go in there again, and if this were a good excuse to make Lily choose some other kind of group exercise, something gentle, something non-life threatening like… yoga.

  “I think I’m going to take up yoga.”

  Maddox paused and looked up from his notes. “Good to know. It’s good for stress.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Yoga club down at the station on Tuesday nights.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You guys do the downward dog en masse at the station?”

  Maddox smirked and snapped the notepad shut. His blue eyes sparkled as he appraised me, eyebrows raised. “I’m imagining you doing the downward dog right now.”

  “Oh, please.”

  “Play hard to get, Lexi, don’t plead,” Maddox teased, laughing and I had to admit he looked as handsome as ever. It almost felt like old times, back when I first had a huge crush on him at my temp job, and way before I found out he was an undercover officer on the trail of missing millions. We closed the case together and I got the guy. Sometime later, when we worked separate cases, I lost him. It was sad, but it was life. “Hey, smile. It could be worse though I really don’t know how. Now, can you point me towards the studio where the EMTs set up? I want to talk to this friend of Jim Schwarz’s before I head back to the station. Figures she’ll be in there, if anywhere.”

  While Maddox looked for the dead man’s friend, I went in search of the manager, Michael Rivers. I found him by the coroner’s van. It was parked in front of the gym, right where everyone could see it; and Michael looked like he was about to burst into tears. He was a bodybuilder, and around a foot wider than most normal folk. His dark skin looked like he buffed it, and his biceps appeared to have a bigger girth than my thighs. He was damned nice guy too with a sweet temperament and a sensitive disposition, that didn’t sit quite right with his physique. He always took the time to say hi when I saw him. I suspected he once had a huge crush on Lily.

  “You okay, Michael?” I asked, coming to a stop at his side. Behind me there was the sound of rattling castors and we turned to watch two attendants wheeling out a gurney, with a full body bag strapped on top.

  “No, I can’t believe this. No one ever died in my gym before,” Michael said, reaching one meaty hand up to scratch his head.

  “Bright side, you know how to deal with it now,” I replied, trying to find a positive.

  “I hope to never deal with it again. Detective Maddox said you called him?” Michael dragged his eyes away from the body bag to look down at me.

  “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” I said, feeling stupid now that Maddox emphasized just how natural this death looked, even if it was unexplained. We stopped talking for a moment and watched the morgue workers heft the gurney into the back of the van before banging the doors shut. It seemed a very final say on Jim Schwarz’s life, and, I had to assume, not the way he planned on leaving the gym today. Or ever. “Did you know him?” I asked, nodding toward the van.

  Michael shook his head. “Not really. Seen him around a few times. He came here a lot when he left his job, but he hasn’t been here so much recently, so I assumed he was working again. Seemed pleasant. Always polite to my staff. Where’s your friend, Lily? She back at the gym now?”

  “Yeah. Making me suffer, too.”

  “Well, whatever she’s making you do, it’s working.” Michael looked down and smiled. “You ever think about taking up weights?”

  “Do bottles of wine count?”

  “Sure, just don’t drop ‘em.”

  I feigned horror. “Never!”

  “You could do some bikini athlete modeling; Lily, too, if you both worked at it, ate clean, lifted hard.”

  “Sounds awesome, but I’m all out of bikinis,” I replied, wondering what the hell a bikini athlete was.

  The morgue van guy came over with a piece of paper for Michael to sign and I took the opportunity to snoop. It would have been ruder not to. “What happened?” I asked the attendant, hoping the all-encompassing question could glean some good answers. “Was it a natural death?”

  “Maybe a heart attack,” said the guy, squinting at me. “We won’t know until we get to the morgue. Do I know you?”

  “Nope,” I said quickly, just in case he recognized me from any of my cases. I preferred to go incognito, which was tough, since at any given moment, someone could figure out I was a PI. It happened before and didn’t always work in my favor. “What brought it on?”

  “Couldn’t tell you, sorry. Do you know the guy?”

  “No, only in passing. Um, not that kind of passing. I didn’t mean to pun,” I added. “Just seen him around.”

  “Was he doing strenuous exercise when he collapsed?”

  “Spinning. I told Detective Maddox already. He took statements.”

  “Thanks. I’ll get in touch with him. Have a good day now.”

  “I’ll try,” I said as Michael harrumphed, clearly not having a good one.

  We watched the van leave and Michael looked down at me as I looked up. “Another bright side, no more corpses at the gym,” I said as we turned away from the van to head inside.

  “I wish I could laugh. I gotta spin studio to clean, and serious PR to do. Don’t want any members leaving. Also, Anton is a wreck. I’m gonna drive him home before he confesses to killing that poor guy and ends up with an angry family’s law suit. He didn’t kill him, by the way, and Jim Schwarz was a fit guy. Anton’s just upset.”

  “I know that. I was there.”

  “If anyone asks, will you make sure to say the guy just keeled over and collapsed off his bike and was dead. Nothing to do with us. I hope the guy’s family doesn’t
sue.”

  “Since that is exactly what happened, I will say just that.”

  “You’re a good woman, Lexi Graves.”

  I bumped him with my shoulder. It was like bumping a wall. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  Finally, a smile appeared on Michael’s lips, but vanished just as fast. I patted his arm and resisted the urge to stroke the muscles that roped it. “Don’t worry, okay? People die all the time. It’s just unfortunate he died here. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow.”

  “Promise?”

  “Hah. Um, no. Since I don’t work here and am really just throwing out platitudes,” I explained so another crappy day wouldn’t fall back on me.

  “At least, you’re honest.”

  “If you keep saying nice things about me, I might start to think you like me.”

  “Nah. Now your friend, Lily…”

  “I’ll pretend not to be offended and Lily is engaged to my brother. But like I said, everything will be A-okay tomorrow.” I gave him my brightest smile, and left to find Lily so we could spend the rest of our day somewhere with less corpses hanging about.

  Chapter Two

  Everything was so not okay at the gym the following day.

  After filing my report to Solomon on a simple surveillance job — successfully reuniting an old lady with her miniature Poodle after it was “appropriated” by a well meaning family on her street, which I completed a few days before — I hopped into my VW and drove to the gym. I parked within yards of where the morgue van was parked the day before.

  “I can’t believe you drive to the gym to use the treadmill,” said Lily, as I took the machine next to her and settled my water bottle on the tray. The machines faced the windows and I could see my VW. I didn’t take much notice, however since I could also see Lily’s blue Mini parked in the corner of the lot. Taking a quick glance at the treadmill next to me, I saw a familiar-looking woman, my height and weight, at full pelt. She didn’t look like she’d even broken a sweat, and I could hear the soft hum of music escaping her earphones. Without slowing her pace, she reached for her water bottle and took a gulp, depositing it in the console bottle holder when she was finished.

  “If I ran here, I would have no energy to run here,” I remarked, turning to Lily who was jogging without much conviction, her arms raised, while her legs pumped a gentle rhythm.

  “This is true,” Lily agreed. “And I like your outfit. Is it new?”

  I checked out my running capris with black-and-pink piping and matching top. “Half price on sale,” I told her. “Payday treat.”

  Lily hit a button and her treadmill slowed from a jog to walk, and I sped mine up to a fast walk. “We should go shopping.”

  “I wish. Right now, I have to save for new bathroom tile, a refrigerator that doesn’t make a noise like a wasp nest, and curtains for every window that doesn’t have them. That’s all of them, in case you didn’t notice.”

  “The pleasures of home ownership,” sighed Lily. “Never-ending payments for stuff you never knew you needed.”

  “I’ll drink to that.” I took a swig from my water bottle. “How’s the bar?”

  “Awesome. I love running my own bar, but the paperwork! Sheesh! I thought getting the license was a tough call.”

  “At least it’s making money.”

  “Barely, but breaking even is good enough.”

  I turned my head at hearing an odd noise next to me. The female runner was wobbling from side to side, her fingers clawing for the side bars and missing. She looked up at me with glazed eyes.

  “Hey, are you…?” I started to say, slowing my power walk speed setting.

  She gurgled something, and clutched her throat. Then she unexpectedly seemed to sink onto the treadmill, her legs giving way under her. Her face hit the belt as it continued to rotate before spewing her several feet onto the gym floor. She lay motionless in a limp mess. For a moment, I simply kept pumping my thighs and continued my walk as Lily and I stared at her. She didn’t get up.

  “Oh my gosh,” said Lily, slowing her machine. “Did she just faint? Ow, that had to hurt.” She hopped off her machine as I stopped walking. I let it slide me off backwards until I could step off. We reached her at the same time as the gym floor monitor. Waiting silently as he crouched beside her, turning her onto her side into the recovery position, we ignored the sudden burst of chatter as people started to look. He checked her forehead with the back of his hand, then pried her eyelids open. When he checked her pulse, panic was visible on his face as he turned her onto her back.

  “Call 911,” he yelled, tipping her head backwards and commencing chest compressions. He paused intermittently to breathe into her mouth. There was no response. Her lips and face looked swollen and her skin was discolored. She didn’t move at all when the instructor checked her eyes. He leaned over her, continuing to administer aid.

  “I’m calling,” said Lily, extricating her cell phone from the band wrapped around her upper arm. “What do I say? Hello. Hello? Yes, I’m at Fairmount Gym and a woman collapsed. We need an ambulance. No, right away. She’s unconscious. Hold on. Lexi, is she unconscious? She looks unconscious.”

  “Looks that way to me,” I said. “Tell them she’s getting mouth-to-mouth.”

  “She’s getting mouth-to-mouth and not in a sexy way,” Lily told the operator. “And someone’s doing chest compressions on her. Is she breathing? No, not you. Why would I ask you?” Lily rolled her eyes at me. “Lexi, is she breathing?”

  “Is she breathing?” I asked, relaying the question to the man resuscitating her.

  He looked up from his chest compressions and shook his head before bending over her again, and breathing into her mouth. I shook my head at Lily, who shook her head at the phone. We waited. “Oh right,” said Lily. “No, she’s not breathing. Oh my gosh, she’s not breathing! Is she…?”

  “Yes,” said the instructor, his tone dull, as if in shock. Around us, the whispering continued and I suddenly became aware of the pump of the air conditioning, the whirring motors of machines, and the soft thump of music trickling from the runner’s headphones as they were disengaged from her ears. Above all that was my own racing heartbeat. “I think she had a heart attack. No pulse for a minute. Ask them what do I do?”

  “They say to keep doing compressions,” said Lily. “An ambulance is on its way.”

  The man nodded, leaning over to breathe into her mouth again, before restarting compressions. He continued without cessation until eventually, I walked around and tugged him away. It had been five minutes. Five minutes without her taking any breath. I knelt next to him and held his limp hand as we looked down at the woman on the gym floor. We stayed there, along with the small crowd that gathered before Michael ran in with the paramedics. The silence broke into commotion again as everyone waited for them to perform some kind of miracle. But moments after they ushered us out of the way, I heard someone declare her dead.

  ~

  “Two apparently natural deaths in two days at your gym,” said Solomon as he looked up from the menu. We were sitting in a Thai restaurant, which Solomon suggested we dine in downtown. The enticing smell of food wafted over us, making my stomach gurgle. It wasn’t surprising since I skipped lunch. The shock of the poor runner dying in front of me managed to put me off. “Do you want to join a new gym?”

  “No, I want to know why two people died there in two days.” I looked at the menu and the long list of unpronounceable names. Fortunately, I had my pointing finger and quite an appetite. “Are we doing entrees?”

  “Yes. Want to share?”

  “Silly question. Of course, I do. Solomon, what are the odds on two natural deaths occurring within a day of each other at the same gym?”

  “I don’t imagine anyone ever took the time to find out the probability on that, but I’m guessing low or…”

  “Or?” I waited, ready.

  “Or it’s a really unlucky coincidence.” The look on my boyfriend’s face told me just how unlike
ly that was. However, as the owner of a private investigations agency, he rarely was convinced of the innocence of anything or anyone anymore.

  “Neither of them looked unfit. Jim Schwarz, the guy from my spinning class, took three spinning classes a week apparently. Then there's Karen Doyle, our dead woman. According to the treadmill’s data, she ran five miles without breaking a sweat. Both, of them, all of a sudden,” I snapped my fingers, “dead.”

  The waitress appeared at my side. “Yes?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t snapping at you.” I blushed at my unintended rudeness.

  “Yes?” she asked again, this time tapping her pen against her notepad, apparently nonplussed.

  “Let’s order,” said Solomon, reeling off dishes as though Thai was his second tongue. Maybe it was. He had a lot of hidden talents and I made it my mission to try them all out. His food, too. “Lexi?”

  “That one, that one, and that one,” I said, pointing to the unknown dishes.

  “Pleb,” said Solomon.

  “Show off,” I retorted.

  “Good choices,” said the waitress as she collected our menus. “All tasty.”

  “She was saying that to me,” I told Solomon. “Yours? Not so much.”

  Solomon laughed; then his face grew serious. “Two dead bodies. Two potential heart attacks. One connecting factor… the gym.”

  “It’s very suspicious.”

  Solomon smiled. “You have a suspicious mind.” If I didn’t know better, I would have thought that pleased him. Wait, I did know better. He was thrilled that I was suspicious. Intrigue made better date conversation than “How was your day, honey?”

  “That’s why you employ me,” I said, reaching for his hand. It was warm, big, and very, very adept. I rested mine over it and tried not to think dirty thoughts while sitting precipitously on the tip of declaring the gym a double homicide crime scene.

  “It’s not why I date you.”

  I laughed and he turned his hand palm up, his long fingers wrapping around mine. “I think it could be a contributing factor.”

  “Maybe. Okay, let’s say these two deaths aren’t just really unlucky. Who’d want to kill them?”