by Alison Ryan
“Ryan!” she said. “I didn’t hear you pull up!”
I watched his reaction to her tiny frame standing on the threshold. His eyes widened and my stomach dropped. It hadn’t been all that long since he’d seen her, right? Could she really be that much different?
He gently bent down to hug her frail body. She kissed his cheek and gave me a wink over his shoulder.
“How’s your momma?” she asked. “I miss her. Tell her to come visit me soon.”
“I will,” he said, suddenly seeming shy. “She always wants me to tell you that she prays for you.”
Grandma held onto his arm, “You tell her I appreciate that. Addie, have you met Ryan’s momma yet?”
I shook my head, “No, not yet.” Awkward.
Ryan added, “I want her to. Maybe we could have y’all over for dinner soon?”
Grandma looked at me, “Why, I think we’d be tickled to death to eat at your house. Your momma cooks some good food. I don’t know how you keep your physique.”
GOOD GRIEF. I was so embarrassed.
Ryan just laughed, “It isn’t easy. I have to play extra hard and mow a lot of lawns to burn off those kinds of calories.”
“Do you want to come in?” Grandma asked. “I feel so rude not inviting you in.”
“Actually,” Ryan looked at me, “I was wondering if I could steal Addie away for a few. Would that be okay? I can have her home before too late.”
Grandma waved us away, “Of course. Y’all go be young. It only happens once, you know.”
With that, she shuffled back into the house, the screen door closing slowly behind her.
Ryan didn’t say anything for a moment. I wondered what he was thinking. Usually, it wasn’t hard to guess because he’d just say it. But I wasn’t prepared to see that his eyes were filled with tears.
“Addie,” he said, holding my hand. “She’s so small. I just saw her a couple weeks ago. I… I can’t even express to you how sorry I am. Shit, what the fuck? How does anyone believe in God when you see one of the sweetest people in the world so sick?” He buried his head in his hands and then ran them through his hair. “Sorry. I just… I’ve never seen someone so sick.”
It alarmed me, because since getting there the gravity of her appearance and situation had settled on me. I immediately felt terrible and also uncomfortable. I had no idea what to say. Being raised by an emotionally underdeveloped mother had hardened me a bit. When I had been upset about things in life I had been told that things could always be worse. But nothing was worse than this. Or at least, the one thing that was worse was unspeakable. Even if it was also unavoidable.
“Ryan,” I said, touching his shoulder. “Let’s just go somewhere. Wherever you were going to take me.”
He nodded and I leaned over and kissed the tears off his ruddy cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” I said. He took my hand and we walked over to the truck.
“Addie, there’s nothing you should be sorry for. I feel like a doofus, crying like this. My dad sure would give me some shit if he saw me right now,” Ryan opened the door on the passenger side for me and I jumped in.
As he climbed in from his side I asked, “Give you shit for what? Having feelings? Being sad over something that’s sad?”
He squeezed my hand from across the bench seat, “My dad thinks showing emotion is weak. He says women won’t respect a man who cries- that no one respects a man who cries. He’s kind of hit me over the head with that idea since I was a little kid. So he’d probably call me a blubbering bitch right now for crying. And then make me go run laps around the track.”
He put the key in the ignition but didn’t turn it over for a moment. Instead he stared out at the house.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I was just thinking,” he said. “Your grandma isn’t going to make it, is she?”
I looked out the passenger side window, the woods between my house and McKenna’s blurring through my tears.
“No, she’s not. She starts hospice care next week.” I nervously tapped the seat, willing the tears not to fall. “She knows and she’s prepared. It’s the rest of us who aren’t.”
“How could you be?” he said as he moved over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling my head so that it was under his chin. “I feel like it’s happened so fast. I’m sorry I’m not stronger. I was just taken aback. I love Mrs. McCurtis so much.”
We leaned into one another for a few moments. He smelled like grass clippings and deodorant. It calmed me, just being close to him. Tonight when I went to bed I would fall asleep thinking of how he held me in his truck. I would remember that Ryan Kidson was the boy who cried for my sweet grandma. And I would wish that I had told him how wrong his dad was about men and their emotions. What was weak was being heartless and acting like nothing mattered or could touch you. The strength in a man came from being brave enough to show what was inside his heart. And Ryan’s was filled with compassion. Something it sounded like his world needed more of.
We were quiet as we drove to Juniper Jill’s. Ryan said he wanted to take me out to dinner and then out to the water tower. Unsurprisingly, I was happy to oblige. He could have told me he was taking me to a landfill and I would have been fine with it. I knew it was silly. I was acting like some love struck girl from a Sweet Valley High book. But you had to know Ryan to understand. He was the type you just fell for.
The diner was busy. We had to wait about five minutes for a booth to open up. Fortunately, it didn’t look like Courtney was there, or anyone else Ryan knew. It was kids’ night so there were a ton of families. All the high chairs were being used and the waitresses looked exhausted from cleaning up mess after mess. They deserved every dollar they earned.
The hostess led us to a booth in the corner. When I slid in, I was surprised to have Ryan slide in next to me. It was a simple gesture, but so romantic. It was a very couple thing to do, sitting on one side of a booth. I settled in to the crook of his arm and leaned my head against his shoulder as we glanced at the menu.
“What do you feel like?” he asked.
“French fries,” I said. “Otherwise, I don’t care.”
“You should try their chicken fingers. They’re pretty damn good.”
“Chicken fingers and fries it is. Dinner of champions.” I smiled at him and he kissed my nose. We were so ridiculous.
“I like that you eat,” he said, putting the plastic menu down next to the ketchup and mustard. “Some girls are so weird about that. I’ve never been able to figure it out.”
Rachel Lawson probably ate salad and Diet Coke. She also probably had thighs much smaller than mine, but I didn’t want to point that out and remind him of a reason to love her more than me.
“Well, a girl has to eat,” I said.
“Exactly.”
The door to the diner chimed and I noticed a small herd of teenagers walking through the door. To my utter disappointment, one of them was Courtney Showalter and another was Kyle Joel, his arm wrapped around a cute blonde that I had to assume was Jennifer Ronaldson. My stomach dropped and I suddenly wasn’t in the mood to eat at all.
Ryan shared my displeasure, “Ugh,” he said. “They need more places to eat at in the Rut.”
Of course Kyle spotted us as soon as he walked in. He smiled and waved at Ryan who gave him a nod and a thin smile in return. We could see Kyle talking to the waitress and pointing to the empty booth next to us. She grabbed some menus and led the group in our direction.
“Shit.” Ryan said it under his breath. “Sorry in advance. If they’re assholes to you, we’re out of here.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I can handle myself.”
“Oh, I know,” he said. “I just don’t know if I can.”
Both Courtney and Jennifer gave me snotty glares. Courtney was wearing those same tiny shorts again. This time with a crop top and clearly no bra. Jennifer wore a form fitting baby doll shirt and khaki shorts. They both had on so much makeup that it
made their faces look cakey under the fluorescent lighting.
A couple other guys were with them that I didn’t recognize. Each of them high-fived Ryan, clearly friends of his. They gave me a nod. It was sufficiently awkward.
“Hey, Ryan.” Jennifer turned to look at us from next to Kyle Joel, who was shoved up against her in the booth. “Talked to Rachel?” She said it with a wicked smile.
“Nope. Why would I?” he replied.
“I don’t know. Because y’all dated for like 3 years,” said Jennifer, glancing at me. “And she’s coming back from New York soon. She called me today.”
Ryan shrugged, but I got the hunch that this was news to him.
“Well, we all knew she’d be back eventually,” he said.
“Yeah, duh,” Jennifer rolled her eyes. “But she wasn’t supposed to be back ‘til mid-August and she’s coming back in like two weeks.”
“Why?” Ryan asked. I felt so weird being present for this conversation.
“I don’t know. She said she’s not learning a ton of stuff she didn’t already know. Her agent thinks she’s beyond modeling camp or something.” Jennifer put the emphasis on agent. Like this was supposed to both intimidate and impress me. She had yet to ask who I was. Probably because she definitely already knew.
“Well, good for her, I guess.” Ryan looked around, “I wish our waitress would come take our order.”
Kyle Joel turned around as Jennifer shifted her attention to whatever Courtney was talking about with the rest of the table. He looked at me uncomfortably and smiled at Ryan.
“Hey, man,” he said. “How’s the lawn mowing? The guys told me about the Squires. Are you psyched?”
Ryan nodded, “Yeah. Still kind of can’t believe it.”
“When do you leave for Richmond?” Kyle asked. I felt like sliding down and under the table.
Ryan glanced over at me and squeezed my hand, “Probably sometime next week. We fly out to Vegas week after that and I should be back before August.”
Kyle grinned, “Vegas, man. I’m so fucking jealous!”
Ryan chuckled, “It’s not like I can do anything. It’ll just be basketball and sleeping. Coach isn’t going to let us out. We can’t go in the casinos or clubs. But it should be alright.”
“It’s always like you to play things down, man. You’re still going to Vegas. And can you imagine the scouts? You’re going to be seen by the dudes that matter.”
Our waitress finally came at that moment and we ordered. Before she left, Ryan asked her, “Do you mind if we get it to go? We have to be somewhere.” The waitress nodded and tucked her pen back behind her ear as she walked away. I sat next to him, relieved. I wasn’t sure if I could last too much longer around these people.
Kyle was still looking at Ryan. Ryan gave a sheepish smile and said, “Yeah, I can’t lie. It’s pretty cool to think about who might be there to watch me play. But if I think about it too much I’ll get anxious.”
“Can’t blame you.” Kyle’s eyes wandered over to me. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile at him. I avoided eye contact by pretending the back of the ketchup bottle was intriguing.
“So anyway,” Kyle said. “What are y’all up to tonight? I’m having people over if y’all want to come by.”
“Can McKenna and Rhiannon come?” I asked, looking him straight in the eye. I could see Jennifer turn her head, glaring at me.
Kyle peeked over at a simmering Jennifer and shook his head, “Probably not the best idea. I mean, I love them, but… You know, I invited Jennifer and Courtney first, so…”
“Yeah. You’re right. McKenna has a date tonight anyway.” The lie came out so easily, it shocked even me.
“She does?” Kyle asked. “With who?”
“Some college guy,” I said. “She met him a while back. He’s totally obsessed with her, like most guys are. McKenna has to easily be the most beautiful girl in the Rut.”
Courtney snorted from the other table, “Yeah. Right. More like the biggest slut in the Rut.”
“Beats being the biggest bitch,” I retorted. Both Jennifer and Courtney gasped. The boys at their table chuckled. Ryan took my hand and stood.
“I think that’s our cue to get out of here,” he said. “See you later, Kyle.”
We waited at the counter top seats near the kitchen for our to-go order. Behind us, Courtney was heated. Her voice was raised and Kyle Joel attempted to calm her down, probably so they wouldn’t be asked to leave. All I could make out was, “Who the fuck does she think she is?”
6
“So I guess it’s safe to say,” Ryan said, as we pulled out of the parking lot of Juniper Jill’s, “that there’s no love lost between you and Courtney at this point.”
I had our two Styrofoam containers of food opened between us on the seat. I took a bite out of a crinkle cut French fry and nodded, “You could definitely bet on that.”
Ryan laughed, “I can’t take you anywhere.”
“Well, come on. She really is terrible,” I said. “I couldn’t let her say that about McKenna. Especially around dickwad Kyle Joel.”
Ryan looked at me, puzzled, “What’s so evil about Kyle? He’s not so bad.”
“That’s because he’s your friend,” I said. “But if you’re a girl, he’s a jackass. Sorry. But he is.”
“You’ll have to explain that one to me,” he said, taking a fry.
“Oh, I’ll be glad to.”
It was still light out and it had to be almost eight. That was what was best about summer. The days went on and on.
We parked near the field that belonged to Kyle Joel’s family. The water tower loomed over everything. I wasn’t as nervous this time. We finished our food on the hood of the Ford.
“Damn, I forgot to get us drinks,” Ryan observed. “I suck.”
I shook my head, “Nope. It’s my fault for making us have to leave in such a hurry before a cat fight broke out.”
Ryan laughed, “You’re the only girl I have ever met that could take on Courtney Showalter. It’s actually pretty hot. I love that you have no fear.”
“What’s there to fear?” I asked. “The things that scare me have nothing to do with bitchy high school chicks. There are definitely scarier things in life than Courtney and Jennifer.”
“Good point.”
We finished eating and left the empty containers in the truck as we walked towards the water tower, hand in hand. The sky was streaked with ambers and purples and a light breeze rustled the soy bean leaves that stretched out forever.
“Are you nervous this time?” he asked.
I shook my head, “Not so much. Like you said, if I fall, you fall.”
“Yep,” he agreed. “We fall together.”
The climb up this time was still a tiny bit nerve-wracking, but nothing like it had been the first time. As soon as we reached the top, I scooted my back against the water tower. Ryan joined me and then unexpectedly pulled me into his lap. He was so tall that I felt small sitting on him, his long, muscled arms wrapped around me. Before us lay Rutledgeville, the entire town still at the end of a late June day.
“Wow,” we both said in unison, causing us to laugh. He squeezed me tight, kissing my head.
“So this is so crazy, huh?” he said.
“What’s crazy?” I asked, looking up at him.
“Us. This whole thing. It’s been such a surprise,” he noted. “In the best way, I mean. I just wasn’t planning on meeting someone like you. Actually, being in the Rut you don’t really meet anyone that you haven’t known since pre-school.”
“Someone like me?” I teased. “What does that mean?”
He rustled my hair and laughed, “You know. Someone who isn’t so affected by this town. You have this huge advantage of seeing everything here from an outsider’s point of view. You remind me of what matters. It’s a really good thing, what you do.”
We stared at one another for a moment. It was that pause before the passion, the same kind of pause there had b
een at the lake. My heart thumped against the inside of my chest. His face was so close to mine and sitting on his lap I could actually feel how happy he was to be with me in that moment.
Before I knew it, we were kissing, the kind of kissing that you dream about, the kind you watch in the movies and wonder if that kind of desire will ever happen to you. My yearning for Ryan was something I didn’t even know I had in me. Yet it was something that existed as certain as my own heart did. There would never be an instant I could be close enough to him. He stirred things in me that seemed ancient and older, things that I thought were further down the road, where I would be a grown-up. All I wanted in all the world was him and I knew that it was the same for him. His mouth slid down to the part of my neck that meets my shoulder. He gently moved my hair as he kissed it, pressing himself against me.
I recognized in that most glorious of moments that I was experiencing the kind of thing I would only get to experience for the first time once. From that moment on, Ryan Kidson would always be the one I first gave my heart to. It was a beautiful thing and bittersweet at the same time. No matter what happened from that day on, with Ryan or with anyone else, it would always be compared to this. For the rest of my life, there would be a small spot in my soul that would forever belong to a boy from Rutledgeville. In the future heartbreaks of my life’s timeline, I would always return to him and remember how much he had mattered.
When we climbed down from the tower, we walked slowly back to the truck, not wanting any of it to be over. This is the problem with the great things; they are punctuated by an ending. I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.
“What should we do now?” I asked. Instead of jumping into the cabin of his truck I climbed onto the tailgate and looked over my shoulder at him. I knew it was overtly flirty and unlike me, but I was desperate not to go home yet.
“I guess we should lay in the bed of my truck ‘til the sun disappears for good,” he said.
“Sounds like the right answer to me.”
Fortunately, the mower wasn’t in the back, but there did happen to be some old musty blankets that were covered in grass clippings and dirt. Ryan stood to the side and shook them out before laying them beneath us.