by Alison Ryan
I had never laid in bed with a boy before. Not that the back of the truck was a traditional bed, but it was as close as it came, and suddenly I was shy and nervous. We awkwardly shifted our bodies next to one another in order to get comfortable. The moon hung above us like a picture and the sounds of the woods floated over us like a romantic soundtrack. But I didn’t feel like an ingénue. I felt like there was no way I was pretty enough to be in this situation. I tried to suppress my insecurities by remembering how Ryan looked at me. No matter how I felt about myself, he saw something there. I needed to just go with it.
“So how do you really feel about Rachel coming back?” I asked.
Ryan looked at me, “Why is that even on your mind right now?”
“Because, like you said. This is getting crazy. I climb water towers for you. I kiss you, I lay under the stars with you. And this isn’t just a distraction for me. And if there’s something I need to know, I like to be prepared. I like to know what I’m up against. I don’t like surprises.”
He looked straight up at a sky that was darkening every second. He put his hands behind his head and sighed, “I feel ill-equipped to deal with Rachel coming back. The last time I saw her is when she dumped me. And I thought I had an entire summer to get beyond it and over it. I had plans to stay busy and keep her off my mind.”
My stomach turned. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.
He continued, “But you showed up. And you turned everything in my head upside down. As soon as I saw you at Kyle’s, I knew I was in trouble.”
“You were drunk at Kyle’s. We barely spoke.”
“I wasn’t that drunk,” he said. “I wasn’t sure whether I should approach you or not. And at that point I decided, no, you had enough going on. And a girl like you would be bored with a guy like me anyway.”
I sat up and stared at him, my mouth open.
“Bored? With you?” I said. “Come on, Ryan. Is that a line?”
He sat up too, looking at me, “I swear. Why is that so shocking? You’re exotic and foreign and different. You’ve lived all these places, seen a lot of things. You probably don’t feel like you have but compared to anyone I know, you’re a world traveler. You’re really smart and witty and you have the face of an angel and the body of… well, I won’t go there. I’m a gentleman, but it’s hard to be one when I’m alone with you, let’s just put it that way. You’re nothing like any girl I’ve ever met, any person I’ve ever met, and a guy like me has little to offer other than what’s always been given to me. Which is just this town. This boring, fucking town. Rachel coming back means I have to choose. And I’ll be honest. Before you, I just figured we’d get back together. Which I know is pathetic. But what else is there here? But now I actually have a choice and it scares me. You scare me. How I feel about you, this fast, scares me.”
“Why would you go back to her, even if I wasn’t here?” I asked. “I’m not saying it’s pathetic, I just don’t understand it. She dumped you. And from the things I’ve heard, she doesn’t sound like she’s a very good person. I get it, she’s beautiful. And she’s rich, and she’s the queen of the Rut. But don’t you realize you’re better than that? You could have anyone. Anyone! And the rest of your life hasn’t even started yet. You’re going to Las Vegas and people are going to see you play and doors are going to open, Ryan. This town isn’t the end all and be all. Rachel Lawson isn’t something you have to choose. I mean, why would you?”
He smiled, “I don’t know. Because I’m competitive. And she’s seen as the big catch. And I have to admit, I like knowing I have something everyone wants.”
“You sound like McKenna,” I muttered, laying back down.
“Ah, so McKenna told you about what happened with her and Rachel,” he said, laying back next to me. “I don’t even really know. I’ve always wondered. There’s no way Rachel is telling the truth about it. I’ve known McKenna my entire life. It never made sense.”
“Then you should have stood up for her,” I said, suddenly angry. “No one had the guts to stand up for her and that’s the biggest problem of all.”
“How do you know I didn’t?” he asked.
“Because you’re still with her,” I said. “And McKenna is still an outcast.”
“I’m not with her,” he said, quietly. “Addie, I’m with you.”
I realized we were inches away from one another, yet again. Before I could even think about it, his mouth was on mine and I was underneath him, a position I had never been in before in my life. I always figured I would have no idea what to do in this scenario. But somehow, it came just as natural as anything else I couldn’t remember ever learning.
When he dropped me off around ten, McKenna and Rhiannon were sitting on my porch.
“Hey, lovebirds!” McKenna called out.
“Hey, dorks.” I said. I turned to Ryan who had a grin from ear to ear.
“Come see me tomorrow,” I said, leaning over to kiss him.
“I will,” he said. “I’ll miss you.”
He waved to the girls before turning the truck around and going back down our long driveway. I watched him leave, sad that our night was over. The back of his truck was now my favorite place in the world.
“So tell us,” said McKenna. “Did you get some?”
I rolled my eyes, “What a romantic way of putting it.”
“Come on, it’s us.” Rhiannon leaned in, “Entertain us. We’re practically spinsters.”
“Don’t listen to Rhiannon,” McKenna said. “She made out with Jackson for like two hours today at the pool. I had to watch her little brothers while she snuck off. So if anyone is truly the old lady who lived in a shoe, it’s me.”
“Well, we did make out in his truck for close to two hours,” I said. “And on top of a water tower. But the truck part was the one I’ll remember.”
Rhiannon and McKenna looked at one another with exaggerated swooning faces.
“I hate y’all.” I pushed myself between them on the steps, “What’s going on? Any plans?”
“Not really,” said Rhiannon. “Jackson had to go to bed early again. So I’m stuck with you losers.”
“And no one in this God-forsaken town wants anything to do with me other than y’all,” McKenna said. “And I couldn’t bear to call Bode and ask for more alcohol so he could tell me that Kyle and Jennifer are engaged, or crazy in love, or whatever other horrible news Bode is capable of unleashing on me.”
“I saw them tonight,” I said. “And I wasn’t very nice. I couldn’t help myself.”
McKenna and Rhiannon both looked at me, slack-jawed.
“Addison McCurtis, tell me everything.” McKenna was practically on top of me.
I told them the entire night’s events, though I did leave out Courtney’s slut comment. No need for McKenna to have to hear that horseshit. Rhiannon was laughing by the time I was done, a big belly laugh that had her on her back on the porch.
“Addie, I seriously love you,” Rhiannon said. “But now we have to pretend McKenna has a college boyfriend.”
McKenna laughed, “You know, only a really great friend will lie her face off to save your honor.”
“Well, he needed to know you’re not just sitting around crying over him,” I said. “Even if you actually are. Which I now, more than ever, think is so stupid. McKenna, he is seriously not that great. And neither are the two thirds of the Bitch Brigade that I met tonight. They wear too much makeup and have the personality of a pair of flip flops.”
Rhiannon was howling now, “Flip flops. Oh sweet Jesus, where did this girl come from? Because I need her in my life forever.”
7
We had a sleepover at my house that night, all three of us jammed onto my double sized mattress. Somehow, I got stuck in the middle. Rhiannon slept with her head at the foot of the bed so a couple of times that night I woke up to her skinny size ten feet practically up my nose. McKenna, on the other hand, slept like a goddess. No weird noises or snoring, and her blonde hair
fanned out around her on my pillow.
The next morning we sauntered downstairs in zombie-like fashion. Grandma was laying in the Barcalounger again, but was reading a book and giggled at the sight of us.
“You ladies are a vision in flannel,” she commented, noting our pajama pants. “But boy do I love having y’all here. It’s been a long time since this house hosted a sleepover.”
I walked over to kiss her cheek but I noticed Rhiannon and McKenna stayed behind me. I could tell from their expressions that they hadn’t seen her in a while. They had the same looks on their faces that Ryan had last night.
“Good morning, Mrs. McCurtis,” said McKenna slowly inching over. Grandma threw out her arms and McKenna bent down to hug her. Even as slim as McKenna was, she looked burly next to Grandma.
“Do you want anything?” I asked her. “Can I make you some tea?”
“No, I’m okay, angel.” Grandma smiled, “I ate some fruit. I might take a nap in a while if that’s okay. Shayla should be over in a bit.”
I nodded, “Just let me know. I love you.”
“I love you more.”
The three of us padded into the kitchen. I couldn’t bear to look at the girls so I started going through the cabinets, pretending to look for the cereal when I knew exactly where it was.
When I turned around McKenna and Rhiannon were quiet.
“Which do y’all want?” I asked holding up a box of Cheerios and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
McKenna started to cry, “Addie. She looks so small. I can’t even believe it. She doesn’t come out much, so it’s been a while…”
Her sentence floated away without an ending. I had turned back to the cabinets. What could I even say? I hadn’t known how to respond to Ryan last night either. I wish people were better at hiding their surprise over cancer slowly diminishing Grandma. It was enough that I had to deal with it.
“Yeah. Well. She’s dying.” I said it matter-of-factly. “Dying isn’t pretty or sweet. This isn’t the movies. She’s not Shelby in Steel Magnolias. I wish people knew that.”
“I’m sorry,” Rhiannon said. “We just don’t know what to say, but it seems shitty to just pretend we don’t see it. You know?”
I burst into tears over the sink. I tried to be quiet about it. The last thing I needed was to make Grandma upset. I needed to be stronger than that. I wanted every day that was left to be as normal and perfect as possible. But it was hard when I thought about it too long. What did I have that was solid besides her?
Rhiannon and McKenna were next to me, though neither seemed to know what to do.
“I’m sorry,” I said, grabbing a paper towel from the rack.
“No, don’t be.” McKenna said. “I want to hug you but I also don’t want to annoy you or make you feel uncomfortable.”
I laughed, “You can hug me, goober.”
They both fell forward and squeezed me tight. McKenna smelled just like her mom. Rhiannon smelled like the Gap fragrance, Grass. I had some upstairs, and it was my favorite scent.
McKenna pulled away first, “We need to have some fun today. Rhiannon, do you have plans?”
Rhiannon shook her head, “No. My older sister is visiting so she’s helping mom out with the rug rats today. I told Jackson I might meet him at the mall later. He starts his new job today.”
“Jackson has a job at the mall?” I asked. “That sounds awesome.”
“Yeah he’s working at the new Foot Locker. It’s right next to the soft pretzel place, so that’s a perk. Nothing better than a new pair of overpriced sneakers made in a sweatshop to go with your soft pretzel that’s made by some acne covered Rut grad.” Rhiannon smiled.
“Well, when you put it that way,” I said. “Does he get a discount?”
“I think so. Today’s his first day so he’s kind of nervous. I told him I would stop by and make sure he was surviving.”
“So that settles it,” McKenna said. “We go to the mall!”
“How do we get there?” Rhiannon asked. “I don’t have Big Rhoda.”
As if on cue, my mother bounced into the kitchen. She was wearing a crop top and a navy blue skort that hit about three inches above her knee. She could have easily passed for some bouncy sorority girl. It was embarrassing that my mother could grab attention more than me.
“Hey, girls!” she chirped. “Long time no see.”
I wondered if my mother remembered what a drunk ass she’d been the last time she’d seen McKenna and Rhiannon. If she did, she didn’t seem to be ashamed of it.
“Hey, Ms. McCurtis,” McKenna said. “You’re looking foxy.”
I rolled my eyes, because I knew my mother would eat up the compliment.
“Why, thank you,” she said. “I try my best. Moms can still be cute, right?”
“For sure.” Rhiannon said, glancing at me with a sympathetic look.
“What are y’all up to?” she asked, reaching for a banana on the counter. “Any big plans?”
“Actually, we were thinking about heading to the mall but we don’t have a ride,” said McKenna. I gave her an icy look, but she didn’t catch it.
“Yeah?” Mom looked over at me. “I could take you girls. Addie could probably use some new clothes anyway, right?”
I looked at her, “I’m fine with the ones I have. And who’s going to stay with Grandma?”
“Shayla is coming over in a few. Once she’s here, we can go. It’ll be fun! Girl time!” my mom squealed, clapping her hands. McKenna laughed and clapped hers too. I sighed, exasperated.
“Fine,” I said. “We’ll be on the porch.”
The thing about my mother is it’s impossible to guess she’s a parent. There have been numerous times throughout my life, starting about the time I was ten, where people assumed she was my babysitter or even my older sister. (Something she absolutely loved.)
Looking at her behind the wheel of Grandma’s truck, you would never guess she was dealing with anything painful. Not that it was a bad thing, it was just always surprising to see how good she was at playing the part. And today’s role was excited teenage friend, off to retail therapy with the girls.
“I don’t like how Gap jeans fit me,” she said, looking at McKenna in the rearview mirror. McKenna and Rhiannon were stuffed in the backseats of the truck sitting on jump seats. I had offered shot gun to both of them but neither had accepted.
“Me either,” McKenna said. “I feel like they’re cut for guys.”
“Totally.” My mother nodded. “Give me Jordache any day. Or Guess. Guess jeans make my ass look good.”
Rhiannon snickered and I pressed my forehead against the passenger side window, contemplating whether I should open the door and just tuck and roll. All teenagers love to have mothers who describe the status of their ass in clothes to their friends.
After what seemed like a thousand years, we finally pulled into the parking lot of Rutledgeville Commons. They had a Dillard’s, a Sears, and a JC Penney. I hoped this visit was short and painless. But knowing how my mother could be when she had an audience, I knew it would be none of those things. She loved to put on a show for me. I think she thought it was her way of teaching me how to be, not understanding I didn’t want to really be anything like her.
We walked through the food court past an arcade and a China Wok. Small pockets of teenagers were scattered across a hundred plastic tables. Little kids ran between chairs and there was a photo booth next to a Sam Goody.
“So where’s the Foot Locker?” I asked.
“Down by The Limited.” Rhiannon leaned over and whispered, “Is it pathetic that I’m nervous just to see him?”
I smiled, “Nope. I get the same way about Ryan.”
“Okay, good. And don’t worry about your mom. She’s a million times better than mine.”
I squeezed her hand back, appreciating that Rhiannon was that friend you never had to explain anything to.
We slowly meandered our way towards Jackson, stopping periodically for either McKe
nna or my mother to ogle apparel. They both paused at some place called Journeys to decide if they wanted a pair of brown Doc Martens.
“Mom,” I said, annoyed. “You’re too old for Doc Martens.”
Well, it was the worst thing I could have said. Grandma’s voice played in my head (We should cut her some slack) and I tried to salvage the harsh comment by saying, “I mean, you’re just not really the Doc Martens type.”
My mother pouted, “I’m not old.”
“I know, it came out wrong,” I said, trying my best to be patient. “They’re also like a hundred dollars. So not worth it.”
“They would go really cute with one of my long skirts,” McKenna said. “Or jeans. Really, with everything.”
Rhiannon and I sighed, both wanting to keep moving for entirely different reasons.
“Guys,” I said. “Let’s remember the reason we actually came, okay?”
McKenna nodded, but my mother didn’t get it.
“Why are we here, if not to shop?” she asked, picking up a red Converse low top.
“Rhiannon’s potential soulmate works at Foot Locker,” McKenna said. Rhiannon and I both gave her looks but McKenna had found a kindred spirit in Naomi McCurtis.
“Oh, reallllly,” Mom said. “So we’re on a covert mission?”
It was actually kind of funny when you put it that way, because we basically were.
“He just asked me to come by and say hello,” Rhiannon said. “I don’t want to make a big thing out of it. Or seem like a stalker.”
“Here’s what you do,” Mom said. “We’ll stop by. Addie needs to get some new tennis shoes anyway. And even if she doesn’t, she’s getting them. So we’ll distract the salesman and you and Jackson can talk alone for a bit without the awkwardness of having us just standing around. It’s always good to go in with a plan, it looks more natural that way.”
We were all kind of stunned at how much it made sense. My mother actually sounded like she knew what she was talking about. For a moment, it was like she was one of us. Not just an attention seeking mother. But a friend.