by Alison Ryan
So we left Journeys and headed straight to Foot Locker. Sure enough, there was Jackson. He was standing uncomfortably next to a stocky gentleman. No other customers were in the store, and as soon as we walked in the man noticed my mother and was immediately eager to help. She had the ability to attract, that was for sure.
“Hello,” my mother said. Her voice was different now, more assertive, more grown up. “My daughter here needs some new tennis shoes for back-to-school. I was thinking Adidas would be good. Can you show us some? Her friend McKenna was interested in a pair as well.”
“Of course. I’d be happy to help.”
While Mom discussed my lack of arches with the salesman, Rhiannon started talking to Jackson quietly near a rack with athletic socks on it. She kept wiping her hands on her denim skirt, a move I recognized all too well. Boys tended to make my palms pretty sweaty too.
“Well, that was fun,” Mom said as we walked out. I was now the proud owner of a purple and white pair of Adidas tennis shoes that I’d probably never wear, but which the salesman gave us his employee discount on.
“How’s Jackson holding up?” I asked. Rhiannon turned pink.
“He asked me out on a date. A real one that actually requires reservations,” she said. “He gets his first check next week.”
I wasn’t usually one of those girls who squeals, but even I had to pull out the girly excitement for Rhiannon.
“So not surprised,” I said. “You look especially pretty today, my friend.”
“Thanks.” Rhiannon grinned. “I really like him. A lot.”
As we walked back towards the food court, I saw a familiar face in front of Mrs. Fields buying a cookie.
“Hey, it’s Mike.” I looked over at Mom, who stopped in her tracks as soon as I said it.
There he was. The bartender from The Side Pocket and the man who had once loved my mother. He appeared to be by himself, a mid-30s guy buying a gigantic chocolate chip cookie. Even as young as I was, I figured this was not the kind of situation he would pick to run into his long ago ex-girlfriend.
But there was something so handsome about him, I had to admit. He was a man you could imagine the younger version of easily. I could see why my mother would have picked him.
“Let’s say hi,” I said. Rhiannon and McKenna seemed fine with it, but Mom was immediately reluctant.
“I’ll meet you guys at the car,” she said, but I shook my head.
“That would be so obviously a snub,” I said. “Just say hello. He was your high school boyfriend. You have to.” I pulled her by her arm.
I knew it was probably the last thing in the world she wanted to do. But, for whatever reason, I felt like it was important she do it. Besides, there had been plenty of times she had made me uncomfortable in front of people. Now I got to turn the tables.
And I wanted to see them interact. I had not had the opportunity to see my mother around anyone who knew her like I did, besides Grandma. I was fascinated with Mike. I wanted to know more about him, about them.
He didn’t notice us until we were almost right on top of him. By then it was too late for him to pretend he hadn’t and leave. His eyes were instantly drawn to my mother. He stood there, cookie in one hand, his mouth slightly open in surprise.
“Hey, Mike.” My mother’s usual bravado and confidence were gone.
“Naomi.” The way he said her name was so different than I had ever heard anyone else say it.
“The girls wanted to say hello,” she said, gesturing to us. The three of us gave toothy smiles and little waves.
“Oh,” he said, chuckling. “Hello, ladies. Good to see all of you in a more standard environment.”
“Yeah. We were shopping for back-to-school stuff,” I said, suddenly emboldened. “What are you up to?”
“Well,” he said looking at his cookie. “I was partaking in something I probably shouldn’t be. But I can’t help myself. Sugar is my vice of choice.”
“There are worse ones to have,” observed McKenna.
Awkward chortling followed, and then no one said anything.
“So,” I said. “Any big plans today?”
Mike shook his head, “Not so much. The bar’s closed today, it’s my day off. I was going to just go home and hang out with my dog.”
“Awww a dog,” Rhiannon said. “What kind?”
“A yellow lab named Rooster,” Mike said, glancing over at Mom.
“That’s a funny name for a dog,” McKenna said.
“Not if you know Mike,” Mom suddenly added. “That was his nickname.”
“Mike’s nickname?” McKenna said.
Mike and Mom both laughed. “Yeah,” Mike said sheepishly. “I used to have this really horrible haircut back in the day. It wasn’t quite a Mohawk but my cowlicks would make my hair stick straight up so my friends would tell me I looked like a rooster. That, and I’ve always been an early bird. You know.” He was looking at Mom as he said it, his eyes remembering something.
The chemistry between them was undeniable. Unless I was just imagining it.
“Anyway, when I got my dog a few years back, it just seemed like a great name,” he said.
“Does your wife mind it?” McKenna asked. Jesus. She was as subtle as a flying brick.
Mike looked down, “Oh. Ha. Well, I don’t have a wife. That’s why I got the dog. It’s less lonely and they’re always happy to see you, no matter what.”
Mom cleared her throat, “Well, we should probably get going.”
“Wait,” I said. I was afraid I wouldn’t have this moment again. “So you don’t have plans tonight?”
Mike smiled, “Well. No, I can’t say I do. I mean, I should probably just take it easy…”
“You should come over for dinner,” I blurted. “I bet my grandma would love to see you and I’d love to hear stories about my mom from when she was young.”
“Addison-“ My mother’s voice was sharp. She must have realized how it sounded, because she softened a bit. “I’m sure Mike has better things to do.”
“Actually,” he said, “It would be nice to see Mrs. McCurtis. I like to check up on her and a dinner that isn’t made in a microwave sounds pretty tempting.”
Mom didn’t even bother to argue. It was clear I wasn’t going to settle for no.
“Well, okay then.” He looked at Mom, “Is that alright, Naomi?”
“Sure.” She gave a thin, closed smile. “Why not?”
8
On the ride home, my Mom wasn’t as bubbly as she had been on the ride there. McKenna sat up front and babbled her ear off about chunky loafers versus stacked-heeled Mary Janes. A conversation that would have completely bored me to tears. Rhiannon and I sat squished into the jump seats. We were really too tall for them, but we made do.
“I can’t believe you invited Mike,” she whispered to me.
“Me either,” I said.
“So why did you?”
“Because I want to know more about what my mom’s world was like before me,” I said.
Rhiannon didn’t say anything to that, so I’m not sure if it made sense to her or not. She had the luxury of knowing where she came from, even if it wasn’t an ideal story. Perhaps by knowing more about my mother, I could find a clue that would lead me to understanding more about myself.
As soon as we got home, McKenna and Rhiannon went over to the Holts. I planned on following them, but Mom stopped me.
“You’ve got chores,” she said. “You need to clean your room and take out the trash.”
I looked at her, “Okay. Since when do I have chores?”
“Since now. Since always. You’re sixteen, you should be picking up after yourself,” she said, flatly.
“Are you mad at me? For inviting Mike over?” I asked.
Mom just kept walking, not answering. As we walked into the living room I could see Grandma was sitting up and watching a movie.
“Hey, y’all,” Grandma said. She looked so happy.
“Momma, we’re h
aving a guest for dinner,” Mom said. “Addie took it upon herself to invite Mike over tonight.”
“Mike?” Grandma asked.
“Yes. How many Mikes do you know?” my mother huffed up the stairs, clearly pissed.
Grandma looked up at me, clearly confused.
“We saw him at the mall,” I explained, sitting down next to her. “It just kind of came out. I want to know him.”
“Addie,” Grandma said. “We’re supposed to be taking it easy on your momma. Remember?”
“How was I supposed to know inviting her ex-boyfriend over for dinner would make her this upset? I mean, it’s been years and years.” I crossed my legs.
“That’s because you’ve never been in love. Mike was your momma’s first love, the most important kind. And the one that’s hardest to move on from. Especially when you don’t face the cause of why it ended.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “It was high school. And it doesn’t take much to piss Mom off. They probably broke up over something completely stupid.”
Grandma shook her head, “You assume a lot, angel.”
I sighed, “I didn’t mean to upset her. I thought she might like to catch up with him. And selfishly, I wanted to get to know him. I mean. What if he’s my father?”
Grandma’s eyes widened, “Is that really what you think?”
My paternity was a topic that had been put to rest long ago. I knew Grandma had gotten nowhere with my mother about it. I certainly had gotten nowhere with her. Bringing it up was akin to hitting your head against a wall over and over and expecting it to stop hurting.
“I don’t know.” I laid my head against the back of the couch. “I just want to know who she is. I want to figure out how I happened. Why is that so unusual? And aren’t I entitled to that? Did she think I would never want to know?”
Grandma reached for my hand. I gave it to her and she gave it a tiny squeeze, “You are completely entitled to that. But I can assure you of one thing- Mike is not your father.”
I turned to look at her, “How do you know?”
“I just know. And if Mike had even one inkling that he could be, he wouldn’t have let that rest. Mike is not an apathetic person. He’s passionate and he loves your momma. There’s no way he wouldn’t have forced his way into your life if you were his.”
“What if he doesn’t know? And what do you mean loves my mother?”
Grandma paused and then said, “I mean loved. He loved your momma. I know he knows because he let her go.”
“Why did they break up in the first place?”
Grandma looked at me. I could tell she was deciding how much she should say.
“Bennett’s death took a toll on your momma,” she said slowly, lowering her voice and staring at the stairs. “When something like that happens, a person can never be the same. She couldn’t be the girl Mike fell in love with anymore. And Mike couldn’t help her. That kind of pain is something unreachable. So she pushed him away. The harder he tried, the harder she pushed. And a man can only take so much.
“Also, there’s something you need to know about the time after Bennett’s death. I hesitate to share it with you because it’s breaching a trust with Naomi, a trust I can’t afford to lose. Not when there’s so little time left.”
I looked up at the ceiling, at the fan whirling above.
“Will she tell me?” I asked.
“I think she will,” said Grandma. “I can’t, but if you nudge her, if you let her feel safe, I know she will tell you. Because you’re the only one she could never run away from. No matter what you think. She did it once and it about killed her. You are her conscience and soul in human form. You’re what kept her alive, angel.”
“I heard her tell Aunt Shayla she should leave me,” I confessed. “So I think you’re wrong. I think she wants to leave. Desperately.”
“Yet she hasn’t,” Grandma said. “And that should tell you everything. What people say and what they do are often conflicting things. Concentrate on what people do, angel. On what they show you.”
I had told Mike to meet us at the house at six. Around five, Ryan called.
“Hey,” he said. “I called earlier. Did your aunt tell you?”
“No, she must have forgotten,” I said, instantly annoyed at Aunt Shayla. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah! I just missed you. Couldn’t get you off my mind. You have plans tonight?’
“Just dinner with my family but after that, nope.” My heart thumped at the thought of another night in the truck.
“Great! I’ll pick you up at 8?”
“Perfect. Miss you.”
“Me too.”
I hung up the phone, instantly in a daze. My mother stood at the sink behind me, washing tomatoes.
“You should have invited him for dinner,” she said.
“Oh. Maybe another time. I didn’t even think of it.”
“You know,” she said, “You should really be careful with him. Don’t let yourself fall too hard. I mean, we don’t know where we’ll be in a few months.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “You don’t want to stay?”
“I’m just saying, you know. Just don’t get too attached to him. Or anything.”
I rolled my eyes, “Of course. Because getting attached to things makes the part where you abandon everyone so much harder, right?”
She shut off the running faucet, “What the hell is that supposed to mean, Addison?”
“I’m afraid to say. You might slap me across the face again.”
I could tell she was mad, but the realization that her past was showing up in an hour kept her from making a dramatic scene. She just turned back to the sink, “I don’t have time for the bullshit. You have something to say, just say it.”
“I thought I did.”
“Addison, let’s just get through this night, okay? Please? I don’t know if it’s obvious, but I’m anxious about Mike being here. I haven’t spent an extended amount of time with him in almost two decades. So what I need is for you to give me a fucking break. Okay?”
Her shoulders shook and it was one of the few times in my life that I knew the chips had fallen in my favor. My Grandma’s reminder to be kind to my mother rang in the back of my head.
I pulled her forward and hugged her, “I’m sorry. If I had known it would do this to you, I would never have invited him. Honest.”
She pulled back, “Well, I guess it’s my own fault. You don’t know anything about him.”
“I wish you would tell me. Just some basic stuff, nothing heavy. It will help me keep a decent and non-awkward conversation up.”
Mom smiled, “Well. Okay. I can do that.”
“What was he into in high school? Did he play any sports?”
Mom looked out the window above the sink, a dreamy look on her face for a moment, “Oh. Yeah, he played them all it seemed. He was on the football team. And the baseball team. He played second base and hit leadoff. He still holds the record for most stolen bases, I believe. That’s something you can ask him.” She reached for the cutting board and started slicing tomatoes.
“Was he a good student?” I said, stealing a slice of tomato.
“Mike? He was okay. I was the better student of the two of us. It just came easier to me. Mike had to really work at it. His head was just on other things. But he’s really smart. Especially with business stuff. And when he says he’s going to do something? He does it. I always admired that about him.”
“When did you start dating?” I asked. She paused for a moment. I thought maybe she didn’t want to answer but I could tell she was thinking.
“Well, it was freshman year. Actually, right before. His dad was a farmer and Mike had to be up at the crack of dawn to help out with things. One summer morning I woke up really early to go on a run. I used to do that, you know. Running was how I cleared my head and I was really nervous about starting high school. So I would wake up and run. For a couple hours at least. This was before Walkmans and all
that. The soundtrack to my jogging was just the sound of the world waking up. Well, one day I ran by his family’s field. It was late summer and I could see Mike fooling with the irrigator. I guess it had stopped working, I don’t know. He was right next to the road and he looked up at me and smiled. And he said ‘I’ll never complain about working this early ever again if you’ll let me take you out on a date.’ I mean, I must have looked like a big mess, all sweaty and in a ponytail. And I said ‘My daddy won’t let me go out on a date.’ And Mike said, ‘Let me ask him. If he says yes, will you?’ And I shrugged and said ‘I guess.’ Thinking that number one, he would never ask my daddy and number two, if he did, Daddy would never say yes.
“I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t someone who was boy crazy at the time, believe it or not. But sure enough, that afternoon, Mike came by. His brother drove him, bless his heart. He had on a collared shirt and a tie! He looked like he was going to church! I opened the door and he gave me the biggest smile and it was the first time I noticed how handsome he was. I mean, Mike was just about the most handsome boy in the Rut. And suddenly I wanted desperately for your granddaddy to give him permission to take me out. So he came in. My parents looked at him so confused and he asked Daddy if he could speak to him privately for a moment. Well, they went out back and talked for about thirty minutes. I don’t even know about what. But when Mike came back in, your granddaddy had his arm around his shoulders and Mike said ‘Next weekend I would love to take you to the movies. Would you like to go?’ I just looked at my daddy like I couldn’t even believe it. Granddaddy was very strict about these things. But he winked at me. Just like that. And the next weekend, Mike took me to see Jaws. Not the most romantic selection but it scared me to death and I clung to him during the scary parts, which was probably his plan all along. And then we were just always together. From that night on. I was his and he was mine.”
My heart swelled hearing her talk about him. And suddenly I didn’t regret inviting Mike over to dinner. Not one little bit.