by Alison Ryan
“Making spaghetti, sorry. Here, I’ll hand the phone to Grandma. I love you, Addie.”
“Me too, Mom.”
The sound of fumbling and screeching chairs and finally Grandma’s voice.
“Hey, angel,” she said. Her voice sounded so small and tired.
“Grandma, I miss you,” I said, trying not to cry. “You okay? You sound worn down.”
“I’m okay, angel. After dinner I’m putting in a movie and falling asleep. Don’t you worry about me, sweet girl. How’s Myrtle Beach?”
“It’s great,” I said. “I wish you were here. It’s weird being here without you and Granddaddy.”
“I bet it is, angel,” Grandma suddenly had the most terrible cough, hacking so badly that she dropped the phone. I heard my mom talking to her but I couldn’t make out what was happening.
“Grandma!” I called out, frantic. “Mom! Someone!”
It took a couple minutes but Mom got back on the phone.
“It’s okay, baby. She had a coughing fit but she’s alright. They just wear her out. She says she loves you so much,” Mom’s voice was anxious and I immediately wished I had never gone on this damn trip away from what was happening at home.
“I knew I shouldn’t have left,” I said. “I need to be home.”
“No,” my mother’s normal voice was back. “It’s not as bad as you think. It just sounds like it. She’s okay. I swear to God, Addie.”
I started to cry, “I hate this, Mom. Why does this have to happen?”
“I wish I knew. There isn’t a single hour I don’t ask myself the same thing.”
At five after seven we were knocking on the door of our neighbors. After getting off the phone I hadn’t been much in the mood for seeing anyone but McKenna somehow convinced me to change into a jean skirt and baby tee that was way too tight across my boobs.
“Damn, girl,” she’d said. “You have quite the bod.”
I rolled my eyes, “Says the girl I compared to Gwyneth earlier. Besides, I’m not here to impress anyone.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a good flirt,” she supposed as she slipped on a tiny dress with spaghetti straps. It was lavender and made her skin look gorgeous.
“I’m just not much in the mood for it,” I admitted. “Sorry to be a downer.”
“Never,” McKenna assured me. “But thank you for doing this for me.”
Brandon had answered the door. He stood before us in Nantucket reds, boat shoes, and a button down.
“Whoa,” I said. “Preppy fan?”
Brandon looked down, sheepishly, “My brother made me wear this shit. All I own are basketball shorts and t-shirts from all the volleyball tournaments I’ve been in. But I thought you ladies deserved more than a t-shirt with holes in the armpits.”
“You play volleyball?” I asked as we stepped into their townhouse which looked identical to ours. The kitchen had a nautical theme and their living room had the same wicker chic furniture.
“Yeah,” Brandon said, “Since eighth grade. People always assume basketball but I’m actually terrible at it. Much to my dad’s chagrin.”
I thought of Ryan right then. I wondered what he was doing at that moment and how he would feel about me being here.
“He’s being modest. The kid’s being scoped out by every major university on the East coast and beyond,” Brent said, ambling down the stairs. He too wore a prep uniform of khakis and boat shoes. He had a beer in his hand and when he saw McKenna, a huge smile on his face.
“Oh yeah?” I asked, looking back at Brandon who was throwing his brother an annoyed look.
“I mean, yeah,” he said. “But who says that? I’m not a douche.”
I laughed.
McKenna walked over to the dining room table where two enormous pizza boxes lay open.
“So I guess we’re having pizza?” she asked. “At least its pepperoni.”
“Yeah about that,” Brent said, boldly wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “We had planned on cooking. We truly did. But neither of us have ever made anything that didn’t take more than three minutes in a microwave. And we actually like you ladies so we thought this was probably a better idea.”
“I picked them up myself,” added Brandon. “Just for you, Addie.” He smiled and my toes tingled at the sight of those damn dimples again.
“Thanks, Brandon.” I smiled back.
Right then, Josh sauntered down. He was still in just his swim trunks and he nodded at both me and McKenna.
“Hello, ladies.” He walked over with his hand held out towards me, “I didn’t mean to be so rude earlier. I’m just a jackass sometimes. Who recently had his heart shattered into a billion pieces so I’m somewhat bitter these days. And pretty girls remind me of Andrea. That’s my ex.”
“No worries,” I replied. “Everyone is entitled to some bitterness every now and then. Especially when it comes to love lost.”
Josh nodded in agreement, “Agreed. Thank you for that. So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get rip roaring drunk and end the night crying in my bed while listening to Dave Matthews Band on my Sony discman.”
With that, he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a handle of rum, drinking it straight from the container. I cringed thinking of it.
“Thanks, Sunshine. That didn’t darken the mood at all,” said Brent as Josh crashed on the stuff cushions of the living room couch.
Brandon turned to me, “So your parents are actually letting you hang out with us dorks?”
“Her parents,” I said pointing to McKenna who already had Brent whispering sweet nothings in her ear. “I’m just the friend who got to tag along.”
“Well, that’s not such a bad gig,” he said grabbing one of the paper plates at the end of the table and putting two slices of greasy pizza on it. He handed it to me, “Hungry?”
“Starving,” I said. “Thanks.”
Five minutes later the four of us were out on the deck, eating quietly as we watched the sun set over the Atlantic. There was an older couple walking hand in hand across the sand. All of us waved to them and they waved back, their smiles reminding me of Grandma. The memory of that cough jarred me and I suddenly wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.
“You okay?” Brandon looked over at me, concerned.
“Not really,” I answered honestly. “But I don’t want to be the Debbie downer of this party. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Well, let’s talk about it,” Brandon said, standing up. “Addie and I are going to walk on the beach. Y’all okay?”
McKenna looked at me, her eyes telling me all I needed to know. But I didn’t relish the thought of leaving her with a guy we barely knew.
“I don’t know…” I said. “Brent, if you do anything to my girl, I’ll have to kill you. And then her father will kill you again for good measure.”
Brent looked at me, his eyes wide, “If only you knew how useless I am around the opposite sex. You’d know you have nothing to worry about. But we’ll stay right here on the deck.” McKenna glared at me, “I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.”
“I know,” I leaned over Brent and hugged her. “But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something?”
McKenna was sitting on Brent’s lap at this point, her arms wrapped around his broad shoulders, “I’ll have my eye on you too.” She raised her eyebrows up and down as Brandon and I walked down the steps towards the sand.
The heat had let down a bit and there was a loose breeze hitting us as we walked towards the water. The old couple was now a small dot on the horizon. Brandon strolled next to me, a tower of a boy, his long legs shifting uneasily on the uneven terrain.
“How about we just sit for a bit instead of walk?” I asked.
“Fine with me,” he replied with a smile. The dimples were back in full force.
I wasn’t even sure why I had agreed to come out here with Brandon. I guess I knew McKenna needed alone time with Brent. And even as nice as Brandon seemed
(and I couldn’t deny I was attracted to him) I just didn’t feel like being around anyone. I missed Ryan. He was who I wanted here. But mostly I just wished I hadn’t left Grandma. I didn’t see how I could possibly enjoy this week knowing she was getting worse back home.
We were quiet for a few minutes, just staring at the waves as they lapsed against the shore just a few feet in front of us.
“My Grandma is dying,” I finally said. It was hard to hear it come from my mouth and I immediately choked up, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Jesus. I’m so sorry,” Brandon said. I looked over at him and his face was so genuine.
“Thanks,” I said. “I just kind of wish I hadn’t come here. She’s home really sick and I’m here on a vacation. It seems wrong.”
“My brother and I,” Brandon started looking out at the ocean, “We lost our mom last year. Car accident. This is the first summer we’ve been here without her. My dad couldn’t come. He said it was too hard.”
I looked over at him, my heart in my knees.
“That’s so terrible,” I said. I grabbed his hand without thinking. It just seemed like the right thing to do. “I can’t imagine what kind of hell you’ve been through.”
He nodded, “It’s been easily the worst year of my life. I try to focus on school and sports but it’s only been the last couple of months or so that I’ve woken up in the morning without that heavy feeling of dread on my chest. And it was harder because Brent was away at school. She died the second week he was gone. So he came back for the funeral and had to go back a week later. And it was just me and my dad who isn’t exactly the most emotive guy. He’s a good man but my mom was the talker. She’s the one I told everything to.” He squeezed my hand and looked out at the ocean. “I felt pretty alone for a long time. It’s been a hard year.”
I scooted over to him, to this giant of a boy who now sat defeated on the beach, about two seconds away from crying. And here I was feeling sorry for myself. Grandma was still here at least. And there was something so unspeakably tragic about losing a parent when you were just a kid. I couldn’t even come close to knowing the right thing to say.
“Anyway,” he said, his arm around me. “I’m sorry about your Grandma. I never knew either of mine so I’m envious you’ve had the time you’ve had with her. And all I can tell you is that you need to soak it all up, as much as you can. Death is bullshit. But I guess, in a way, it’s a small gift to know and be prepared. Not that you can ever be prepared, I don’t want to dismiss the hopeless part of watching someone fade away. But you can say all the things, Addie. So say them. Promise?”
I nodded next to him as I tried everything in my power not to cry. I leaned into him, like one leans into an oak. Its solid and sure, the thing you know is there no matter how hard you push.
15
The next morning McKenna and I woke up early. Our plan was to hit the beach before it got too terribly hot.
“Brent is a really good kisser,” she said, standing in her underwear in the bathroom, curling iron in hand. “Thanks for giving us some alone time last night.”
I rolled my eyes, “You’ve only made me aware of his kissing prowess approximately twenty times in the last hour. I get it.”
“Oh. Sorry,” she said, unfurling a springy curl from the iron. “I guess my memory from last night is a little fuzzy.”
“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you consume a six pack of beer. And Zima! I can’t believe you drank that crap.”
“I like it! Brent told me its better when you put a jolly rancher in it,” she laughed. “He’s about the cutest thing in the world, don’t you think?”
“Adorable.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Good thing your dad was oblivious to your state last night.”
As soon as we had seen her parents pulling up to the house last night we had hurried back to our side of the duplex and up to our room where we feigned exhaustion and sobriety. Her parents were none the wiser.
“I think, despite the alcohol, we made him proud. We were ladies,” she said. “What did you and Brandon talk about on the beach? Let me guess: Ryan didn’t come up once?”
I sighed, “I miss him, Addie. No boy here could ever replace him.”
“Brandon is hot,” McKenna slipped off her bra and tied on her bikini top. “It’s too bad you’re in looooove because he’s exactly the kind of guy that would be perfect for a summer romance.”
This was true and I couldn’t lie, that very thought had crossed my mind as I had spent the next hour with Brandon on the beach talking about my whole life with Grandma, with Mom, the stuff with Bennett, and everything in between. He hadn’t interrupted even once, just listened. He’d laughed at all the right parts and showed compassion or commiseration at the bad ones. It was very similar to my conversations with Ryan. Brandon was a guy who cared. And though it was clear there was an attraction, it was something different than with Ryan and I. Brandon understood a lot of what I was going through, while Ryan could only guess much of it and try his best to be sympathetic. Brandon held a great empathy with me. In a way he was living my future. I was just glad fate had brought him to me as a friend.
There had been an awkward moment towards the end of the night where we had caught eyes for a moment, the long stare before a kiss. As he leaned in, I had blurted it out.
“I have a boyfriend,” I said. He paused and looked at me for a moment, like he was hoping I was joking.
“I’m sorry,” I continued, “I just thought I needed to say that. Now.”
Brandon sighed and looked back out at the ocean, “Of course you do.”
I didn’t know what else to say. Was he upset with me?
“A girl like you?” he smiled again. “My crappy luck, but of course it’s no surprise that Addie McCurtis has a boyfriend. What a lucky guy.”
I chuckled nervously, “He’s the only one I’ve ever had.”
“Yeah?” Brandon looked at me surprised. “Well, he won’t be the last. I can tell you that much.”
I smiled, not sure what else to say.
“What about Brandon Miller?” I asked, bumping against him with my shoulder, trying to make things less tense. “How many women are fawning over the best volleyball player on the east coast?”
He laughed. Brandon’s laugh was deep for his age. It was a warm kind, not the mean kind you might hear from the likes of guys like Kyle Joel. I liked it.
“The Miller boys are kind of duds when it comes to the ladies,” he admitted. “I’ve always been kind of awkward. Both Brent and I kind of hit our spurts late in life so the dorkiness from our middle school years still remains in us, I guess. After my sophomore season of volleyball I grew over six inches in six months. I went from a skinny, scrawny guy that was under six feet tall to what you see now. It was crazy. And all of a sudden people saw me. Like, really saw me. My coaches loved it. Girls loved it. The same people who ignored me in biology class suddenly wanted to be lab partners. And I thought I would love it, but it was so hollow. It just made me resent those people more.” He looked at me, “I sound kind of ridiculous, huh?”
“Not at all,” I shook my head. “It’s kind of like someone winning the lottery and having all of these newfound friends. Except yours was the genetic kind, not the hundred dollar bill kind.”
“Well, sounds like it doesn’t do me much good in this particular situation,” he said knowingly. “A boyfriend. Damn.”
McKenna and I had been laying out for about an hour when the boys finally came out to see what we were up to.
All three were shirtless and behind the dark lenses of my sunglasses I could take Brandon in without being noticed. He was tall, yes, but not the lanky kind. He was a solid guy with broad muscular everything. He had on a pair of board shorts and Adidas flip flops. It was hard for me to be honest with myself and decide who looked better shirtless, him or Ryan. I immediately felt guilty for comparing.
“Hey, ladies.” Brent leaned down and kissed McKenna on the cheek. “Hello,
beautiful.”
She smiled sweetly at him, “How are you feeling?”
“Like a billion bucks,” Brent said, plopping down next to her on the sand. “Josh, on the other hand? Not so good. He’s hungover in the living room watching scrambled cable and bemoaning the fact he drank hard liquor after beer.”
“Tsk tsk,” McKenna said. “Well, bless his broken heart.”
Brent and McKenna nuzzled noses and Brandon and I looked at one another and rolled our eyes at the cheesy affection we were now forced to witness.
“Hey, Addie,” Brandon said, sitting down next to me. He pulled his knees up and laid his elbows across them. “How’s this morning going?”
“It’s not so bad,” I said. “Good to have some friends to hang out with.” I smiled at him, hoping it eased this rigidness between us.
“Friends,” he said it out loud. “It’s better than nothing.”
“Ahhhhh!” McKenna yelled out. Brent had thrown her over his shoulder, fireman carry-style, and was marching her straight into the ocean.
“I just curled my hair!” she squealed but they were both laughing hysterically as he fell into a broken wave.
Brandon and I both giggled.
“He really likes her,” Brandon said. “I like to see him laugh. I’m really glad y’all showed up.”
“Me too,” I said. Because it was true.
Mr. and Mrs. Holt joined us about half an hour later. Mr. Holt looked over at Brent and McKenna with a less then amused look on his face. Mrs. Holt was wearing a pair of Candies mules which were a terrible choice for walking in the sand. She did look endearing though with her Pepsi in a coozie and her bag of books swinging from her shoulder. Mrs. Holt was pretty much who I wanted to be when I grew up.
“Hello, girls!” she called out to us. “And boys! I’m McKenna’s momma.”
“Hello, Mrs. Holt,” Brent stood up. I thought he was going to salute her, he seemed so nervous. “Can I help you carry anything?”
“Oh you’re so sweet,” Mrs. Holt said. “I left my beach chair by the steps. I would send my husband but you’re probably a lot faster than he is.”