Stephen winced. "Jesus. What about the principal?"
"What about him? He had actual problems to deal with. Besides, Jeni never really cared about authority figures. The more she got in trouble, the more her little lackeys fawned over her. What can you do in the face of that, Stephen, except keep your head down and just try to get through the day?"
"Well, she's not going to talk to you like that anymore."
Jay shrugged. He wasn't going to try to argue with Stephen about this. If he wanted to get himself involved in this sick game, then Jay wouldn't stop him. Besides, he didn't think Stephen would listen to him no matter how times he explained that there weren't any magic words to fix this problem. The only way to fix it was to literally become a different person, so Jeni wouldn't have such a large target to shoot at. And maybe even that wouldn't be enough.
"Jay, I'm serious."
"What are you going to do, Stephen? Tell her to stop being a bitch? She knows she's being a bitch."
"Maybe we'll have a discussion about how the Center is a safe zone, and that means it's safe for everybody."
"First, she won't care. Second, clearly she has an open invitation to invade my house any time she feels like it. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal."
"Yes, it is."
"No it's not. It's just... it's just how things are."
"Jay, no, this isn't how things are. This isn't how things should be. If I could turn back the clock and fix this, I would. Since I can't, I'll settle for the next best thing."
"I'm telling you, there's nothing you can do. Besides, she'll just say it's my fault anyway, and she's right about that."
Stephen's lips thinned. "Do you think you deserve that from her?"
"What?"
"Do you think you deserve it? Is that why you won't even say anything to defend yourself?"
"Look, I didn't mean... "
"Jay, just answer me." Stephen took Jay's hand, squeezing him with cool fingers. "Do you think you deserve that?"
Jay stared at Stephen's hand, wishing he'd had more time to admire Stephen's fingers. "Of course I deserve it."
"Jay... God. I don't even know what to say."
"You don't really have to say anything," Jay said tightly. He'd never said anything like that out loud, and it hurt worse than anything Jeni had ever said or done to him.
"Yes, I do. Jay, you don't deserve anything like that. You deserve to be happy, and to be loved, and to have a great life. You don't deserve anything less than that."
Jay looked away, wishing he'd stopped before letting Stephen push him into the words. He probably sounded like some overdramatic boob, and really, this sort of baggage wasn't something he should expose at all, ever, much less so soon in the relationship. "I'll understand if you... "
"Jay, stop right there. Just listen to me. I don't think you've done anything to be punished for. So I'm not going to be the one who doles out the punishment. Don't cast me in that role. I don't want it."
"I don't understand what you mean about punishment," Jay said.
"I mean, at some point you decided that when people are assholes, you must have it coming. So you just accept it because they wouldn't do it unless you deserved it. And then you decided everybody is really an asshole. But that's not true. You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not an asshole."
Jay opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of a rebuttal to that, but he didn't have one.
"Jay, it's not a crime to be a little overweight."
Jay snorted. "A little? According to the BMI index, I'm morbidly obese."
"That thing is full of shit and I don't know why anybody even pays attention to it anymore. Besides, you're a big, tall guy. I know it might be hard to believe since Salt Lake can be insular, but there are plenty of men who really, really like big, tall guys. Plenty of women, too, for that matter."
"I feel like... I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. Do you even realize how difficult it is for me to be at the gym?"
"I have an idea. If it's difficult, why do you keep going?"
"What?"
"You don't need to go there just to see me. You can see me anytime you want, which I think you know by now. But you were still working out yesterday. Are you planning to go tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I... I don't know. It's not so bad now, and I don't want to just give up on it."
"But see? That means that you're willing to put in the effort to have the body and the life you want. That's nothing to be ashamed of, Jay, and nobody at the gym is judging you for being there. I promise. As for not being able to look in the mirror... is that why you won't let me see you?"
"Yes."
Stephen traced small, soothing patterns on Jay's knuckles. "What will it take to make you comfortable with me?"
"I don't know."
"Have you tried to talk to anybody about your... self-image."
"No. What would anybody say to me? You're fat, lose weight and you'll have a better self-image?"
Stephen sighed. "That's not what a professional would say."
"Do you think I need to see a therapist?"
"I think it couldn't hurt."
"You think I'm crazy?"
"No, but I think that you're hurting yourself every day. I think that you're never going to be happy or comfortable in your skin until you stop being so... brutal."
"It seems to me that the problem is with all the assholes you've mentioned."
"Yeah, they deserve most of the blame. But what they say now wouldn't have such a strong impact on you if you didn't believe them and internalize every word. Do they ever say anything so different from what you say about yourself?"
"I can't... I can't tell anymore. Maybe?"
"Jay, I don't think you're crazy. I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. In fact, I like you a lot. But I also want you to be happy, and I think the only way to be happy is if you start working on some of these issues. They offer counseling through the university."
"I know."
"Maybe you should take advantage of that."
"What if... are you going to be upset if I don't?"
"This isn't an ultimatum, no. But it might be easier for the two of us to have a relationship if you do get some help."
Jay nodded and looked down at the table. He'd considered taking advantage of the offered counseling before, but had never had the nerve to do it. If nothing else, he could use some coping skills for the stress of grad school. And he'd wondered if he suffered from low-grade depression more than once. It would be easy to call and make an appointment. Like the gym, it would probably be distinctly unpleasant, but Jay wanted to be happier, and if he couldn't be happier, then he at least wanted to be a bit more grounded.
"I'm sorry," Jay said.
"For what?"
"For the times I did cast you in that role. It's not that I think you're a bad person, it's just... "
"I know."
"Stephen, I don't even understand how you're real. I never thought about meeting a guy like you because I never thought guys like you even existed."
Stephen's smile was shy and lopsided, and if Jay wasn't already heart-hammering stupid in love with him, that would have been the final Cupid's bolt to his chest. "I'm not that special. There are probably lots of guys like me."
"No, there's not."
"You don't have to help with Pride, by the way. I'm not going to ask you to spend more time around Jeni."
"No, I said I'll help, so I'll help."
"Are you sure? I don't think you should have to be around her if you don't want to be."
"I missed out on a lot of things in the past fifteen years because of her. I'm not going to let her control me like that anymore."
Stephen smiled, thumb moving back and forth over his knuckles. "Want to go to Brewvies and make out in the back like a couple of teenagers?"
"Sure, what's playing?"
"Does it matter?"<
br />
"Actually, no. You good to drive?"
"Yep."
Jay was silent on the short drive, but for once he wasn't brooding over his hurt feelings. Stephen had given him a great deal to think about, and some of it had to hurt to hear, but Jay had needed to hear it. Something had shifted inside of him as Stephen spoke, a new understanding of the world around him developing. Jay recognized the feeling. It was the same sort of wonderment and satisfaction he experienced when he grasped the meaning behind a difficult poem, or when he saw new meaning in Shakespeare that he never noticed before. But merely reaching a new understanding wouldn't be enough. Now he needed to figure out what he was going to do with his epiphany.
Chapter 9
Some days a whole afternoon would pass quietly and Jay would have nothing to distract him from his reading. This was not one of those days. The distractions started almost as soon as Jay showed up for his shift at the desk, beginning in the form of Jeni breezing in for a meeting with Stephen. She smiled and winked at him as she walked by, and even though it went against the spirit of the center, Jay wished they could just ban her outright from walking through the door. But she had just as much right to be there as he did.
"Do you know what they're talking about in there?" Santos asked, sidling up to Jay's desk and trying to peer through the closed blinds.
"Probably Pride. She's on the committee."
"Sally is on the committee and she didn't mention a meeting today."
Jay shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like Stephen runs his daily schedule by me."
Though if he planned to meet with Jeni, Jay wished he would have at least mentioned it. He swallowed down his suspicion, remembering Stephen's admonishment that he was not an asshole. But the timing of their meeting was highly suspicious, and Jay was more than a little worried that Stephen was going to take it on himself to defend Jay's honor. Which, actually, wasn't the most terrible thing Jay could think of. He quite liked the thought of Stephen rushing to his defense, but he couldn't see how it was a real solution. Jeni was an adult, and even Stephen's stern voice and disappointed eyes wouldn't be enough to radically change her behavior.
"Am I the only one who wishes she'd stop coming around?" Santos asked under his breath.
"No," Jay admitted. "I thought we'd at least get a break after she graduated."
"If I didn't know better, I'd say she had a crush on Stephen."
Jay snorted. "No, I doubt that."
"You know, she's only here all the time because she can't find a job. I don't think she's got anything else to do all day."
Except fuck around with Jay's roommate. "She should get a hobby then."
"Excuse me?"
Jay turned away from Santos to greet the owner of the small voice. A young woman with a bright yellow hat and a giant brooch that would look more at home on Jay's grandmother. She had a roundish baby-face, and giant green eyes fringed by dark lashes.
"Is this the GLBT resource center?"
"It is," Jay said. "I'm Jay, this is Santos. What's your name?"
"Regan. I'm... I'm not even sure if I belong here."
"That probably means you do. Would you like some coffee or tea?"
"Coffee would be good. Thanks."
Santos jumped to his feet to fetch that while Jay led her to one of the sofas. She offered him a small, thankful smile, but she still looked more than a little shaken. Now that he had the chance to study her more closely, he could see her lips trembling and her eyes shone with barely contained tears.
"I take it you haven't been here before?"
Regan shook her head and looked down, rummaging through her purse until she gave up her search with a small cry. "I forgot my wallet. I don't even know where it is. I think it's still at home but... all my stuff... "
"Here's your coffee," Santos said, pushing the mug into her hand. She wrapped her long fingers around it and muttered her thanks, but she was still distracted by her purse.
"Do you mind if I look?" Jay asked.
She shook her head and pushed the bag to his side of the couch. Approximately fifteen seconds later, he had her wallet in hand. Fresh tears sprung to her eyes, and she didn't try to hide them. She didn't even wipe them away.
"Thank you. I don't know what... I couldn't see it. My head has been all crazy since last night. I probably would have lost my head if it wasn't attached to my neck."
"What happened last night?" Jay prompted softly.
"I... my parents... they saw me. And they knew. Well, they didn't know, but they found out."
"That you're gay?" Jay asked.
"Yes. It was so dumb because I had a girlfriend for three years, and they just thought she was my best friend. But she broke up with me and I was so... I was crying and they... " Regan sipped from her mug and took a deep breath. "They asked me what was wrong and I didn't even think about it. It just slipped out. After three years... it just slipped out. And then they kicked me out. That's why I came here. I didn't know what else to do."
"I'm sorry this happened to you, Regan, but we should be able to help. We can at least find a safe place for you to stay a few nights. I've seen this happen before. Usually, when parents react this way, they just need a few days to cool down."
"No, not my parents. They... no, they aren't going to cool down. They have all my stuff."
"Let's worry about that after we get everything else sorted. I'm going to get Stephen. He's the director here and he'll be able to give you more information. Do you like that coffee?"
Regan nodded. "I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday morning."
"Okay, Santos is going to run downstairs and get you something at the cafeteria."
"That's not necessary... " She started.
"Yes, it is. It's a proven fact that you always feel ten times better once you eat something warm. And Santos is happy to help, aren't you, Santos?"
"Do you have any dietary restrictions?" Santos asked, already halfway out the door.
"No. Thank you."
"Enjoy your coffee. I'll be right back, okay?"
Regan nodded, her eyes shimmering above the mug. She couldn't have been more than eighteen or nineteen. What sort of monster would kick her out? Jay had found himself asking that question again and again in his time as a volunteer. Why did they kick out their own children? How could they turn their backs on not just family, but the only family that really mattered? Jay had a distant relationship with his parents, but he hadn't been afraid to come out to them. They loved him no matter who he was.
He knocked lightly on Stephen's door before pushing it open. "Sorry for interrupting you but... "
Stephen and Jeni both looked up at the same time. Stephen's eyes were hard. Colder than Jay had ever seen them. Jeni's face was streaked with tears, her mascara and eye shadow running.
"Oh, sorry," Jay said quickly. "I didn't mean to interrupt. It's just... there's a situation out here."
"I'll be right out."
"Okay. Whenever you have a minute."
Jay shut the door, wishing he could be the fly on the wall just to know what it took to make Jeni cry. He'd never even seen a hint of tears in her eyes. He'd have to worry about it later, though, because there was another girl who needed his full attention. Jay sat on the couch, but was careful not to crowd Regan, or encroach on her space. She stared down into the coffee, and tiny drops of moisture clung to her eyelashes. Jay wanted to ask more questions--it would be easier to help her if he knew of any friends or family members she could contact--but throwing a million inquiries at her would probably only stress her out.
"I wish I could change things," she muttered.
"I know. But sometimes people, even your parents, can surprise you."
"That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean, then?"
"I wish I could change me."
"Who would you want to change into?"
"I don't know. Somebody normal. Somebody who dates jocks and listens to pop music and wants to have babies
by the time they're twenty."
"So you want to be a good Mormon girl? That hardly seems interesting."
Regan shook her head. "Who cares about interesting? I'd be normal. Everything would be so much easier then."
"I know how you feel. I always think if I could just be skinny, or attractive, or straight then surely my life would be so much easier. It's natural, I think, to imagine the grass is greener on the other side. But you know, my skinny, pretty friends have problems, too. Just like my completely normal Mormon friends."
"So life sucks no matter who you are, you might as well get used to it?"
Jay smiled. "That's pretty bleak. Why not, life hands you lemons no matter who you are, so I'll bring the vodka and we can make lemonade."
"Lemonade is made with vodka?"
"It is in this metaphor."
That coaxed a small smile from her. "My parents probably wouldn't mind if I were drunk as long as I didn't like girls."
"I hope they change their mind about that, but if they don't, it's their loss. Don't forget that." Stephen chose that moment to emerge from his office, and Jay gestured him over. "Regan, this is Stephen, he's the center director. Stephen, this young lady has had an altercation with her parents, and they've kicked her out of the house."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't you come into my office and we can talk."
She nodded and stood to follow him, the coffee still clutched tightly in her fingers. She still looked wan, but Jay thought he might have done some good, since the tears no longer threatened to flood her eyes. His satisfaction at that was short-lived after he noticed Jeni wasn't leaving. In fact, she was lingering by the front desk, clearly waiting for Stephen to disappear again. Jay gritted his teeth, bracing himself for the pointed attacks that were soon to follow. Perhaps she would lead off with why don't you just get your mother to fight your battles for you? Or ooh Jay, your boyfriend sure is scawwy! Or something equally charming from the black pit of her soul.
"I didn't tell him to talk to you," Jay started.
"Oh. Okay. Well, can we talk?"
Pisces: From Behind That Locked Door Page 10