"What about?"
"I've been behaving rather... inappropriately."
"Inappropriately? Really? That's what you're going to lead off with?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to admit that you're a giant asshole," Jay said, too tired of her to try to find a more diplomatic way to phrase it.
"Fine. I've been a giant asshole. Does that make you feel better?"
"Not really, no. For one thing, I don't think you mean it. For another thing, it doesn't actually undo any of the things you've done."
"I know that. But I'm trying to... make amends."
"Right."
"I am!"
"I don't care." Jay stopped, surprised that he said the words, even more surprised that he meant them. He didn't care if Jeni was sorry or not, if Stephen forced her into the apology, if she secretly despised him. "I mean, I really don't care."
"Right, I got it."
"No," Jay said slowly. "No, I don't think you do. I've cared for so long, and so much that I think that's just how we think it's supposed to be. Somehow, I never noticed that you're pretty much... nothing."
"This is what I get for trying to be nice to you."
"You're not trying to be nice. You don't even know what that is, Jeni. You're not a nice person. If you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation. And I'm under no obligation to give two shits about you or your weak attempt at saying sorry."
"Well, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for... being an asshole. And hurting your feelings."
"I don't care."
"Can't you at least say apology accepted?"
"Nope. Because it's not, and you're not really sorry. I don't know what Stephen said to you, and I don't much care, either. We're not in elementary school anymore. You can't just say you're sorry and then suddenly everything's better. Or anything is better. It's not."
"You want me to make it up to you?"
Jay shook his head. "No, you can't do that, either. I guess you could try to prove to me you're genuinely sorry. You grew up in the Mormon Church. You know all about atonement, right?"
"I also know about forgiveness freely offered."
"Well, I'm not Jesus. Now, do you have any actual business here? Because I've got work to do."
Jeni shot him a narrow-eyed glare before marching away from the desk. She passed Santos in the doorway, and her chilly look had nothing on his. His glare was so powerful that Jay was surprised it didn't freeze right to the floor. As soon as she disappeared down the hall, Santos turned back to Jay with a smile.
"Coffee? I didn't know what she'd want, so I went down to the Einsteins."
"Bagels cure any ill, that's what I've always said. Go ahead and leave them on the desk, Regan is in talking to Stephen."
"So? What was that all about? Catch me up."
"I... I don't even know, to be honest."
"Jeni looked pretty angry."
"Well, she tried to extend the olive branch and I used it to stab her in the face."
Santos's smile widened. "Nice. That's about what she deserves."
"You really don't like her?"
"No. I can't think of anybody who does. I mean, I'll admit, I used to hang out with her kind a lot. Especially in high school. Girls like her are funny, and they usually know how to have a good time. You know, where all the good parties are and who sells the best weed. But they always turn on you in the end. And then I realized it's not any fun to be on the receiving side of that shit."
"No, it's not," Jay agreed. "Do you think I should have just accepted her apology?"
"No. She's like a little kid. She's probably more sorry she got caught than sorry for being a bitch in the first place."
Jay nodded. That was exactly it, and why he couldn't just say Yes, Jeni, of course you're sorry, thank you. Why should he let her off the hook so easily? At least Santos backed him up, though he couldn't guess what Stephen would say once he found out. Would he be disappointed in Jay for being so petty? Would he have anything to say about it at all? And most importantly, would he share with Jay what he said to her? Because the curiosity was just about ready to consume him.
"Do you think she's going to be okay?"
Jay looked up and realized Santos was referring to Regan. He could see her through the office window, and her shoulders were shaking while fresh tears slicked her cheeks. "I hope so."
"You ever in that situation?"
"No. My parents took the news pretty calmly. What about you?"
"My dad's the first counselor at his ward. So... no, not quite calmly. But my mom refused to kick me out of the house and said if I left, she'd go, too."
"Wow. Good for her."
"Yeah, she's pretty great. Oh crap."
"What?"
"It's already after three. I've got a class in ten minutes."
"Have a good day."
Santos nodded. "Yeah, you, too. It was good talking to you. I'm DJing tomorrow night at the W Lounge. You should come by."
"Sounds great," Jay said, too startled to think of any other response. But when Santos beamed at him, Jay realized he would be making a trip across town to the W. "What time?"
"Nine. I hope you can come by. I'll buy you a drink."
"Um, yeah, I'll be there. Thanks."
Santos waved at him and headed out the door, leaving Jay very... confused. He pretended to read, but he was too distracted by the sight of Regan in Stephen's office, and the memory of Jeni sitting in there with tears staining her face, and Santos's unexpected invitation. He kept waiting for Stephen to emerge, one eye on the clock as the afternoon ticked by and his shift came closer to ending. Just before five, Stephen opened the office door and stuck his head out long enough to say, "I'll probably be here awhile. You shouldn't wait for me."
"What's going on? Can't you find a place for her to stay?"
"Yeah, but there are some other issues cropping up. It's complicated."
"Okay. Do you need anything?"
"No. Just let Todd know what's going on when he comes in. I'll probably be here for awhile."
"Yeah, okay. Stephen?"
"Yeah?"
"I... if you do need anything, let me know, okay?"
"You bet."
The door clicked shut behind him, leaving Jay alone with his thoughts and the clock once again.
* * * *
"Jay, is that you?"
Jay rolled his eyes and locked the deadbolt behind him. "Are you expecting anybody else?"
"No. I thought you'd be home earlier."
"It's Wednesday, Amy. I went to the gym."
"Oh, right. Hey, do you have plans tonight?" Amy emerged from her room with a bright smile--too bright. It looked more than a little forced. "I was thinking we could go out for tacos. Like we used to. Just the two of us."
"Sure, if you want. I'm going to shower and change first."
"No problem."
Amy's forced smile only widened, and it gave Jay the willies. There was something very not right about it. Like she was frightened or nervous or trying to trick him into something he wouldn't like.
"Jeni won't be joining us, will she?"
"No, of course not. Like I said, just the two of us."
"You sure?"
"Jay, I'm not going to spring Jeni on you, okay?"
"Just making sure, since I've already had one run-in with her today and that was more than enough or me."
"Yeah, I know. She told me about it. Now hurry and go shower, I'm starving."
Jay wanted to give Amy the benefit of the doubt, but if she was going to try to cajole, trick, bribe, or otherwise fool Jay into saying that he forgave Jeni and everything was bygones, that would be the last straw. He considered himself a patient person, but Amy was skirting closer and closer to the line every single day. Though he had mostly avoided her the past week, too wrapped up in Stephen to care about what she was up to. Plus, he'd been so angry with her that he didn't want to even look at her. After his anger faded, he wasn't sure what
he should even say to her. As a result, in the week since Stephen had cooked him dinner and she and Jeni crashed their date, he'd probably exchanged a grand total of a dozen words with her. And half of those pertained to their weekly trip to the store.
He stripped and leaned forward to turn on the water, but he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Instead of turning his head and simply pretending the mirror wasn't there, he straightened and met his own eyes. His first instinct was to go over the list of reasons he was disgusting, but that was a bad habit he didn't indulge in anymore. He pushed the negative thoughts out of his mind and tried to grasp onto the softly spoken words of encouragement, the sweet compliments Stephen whispered when they were wrapped around each other. They both knew Stephen's words, no matter how heartfelt or well-meaning wouldn't be enough to wipe away twenty-four years worth of self-loathing, but they were a start.
Jay could look at himself in the mirror. That was a start.
He stepped under the blasting water, washing himself quickly, and sharply correcting his more damaging, automatic thoughts. It was strange to stop the negative thoughts, to believe he was worth more than that. He didn't quite believe it himself. For now, he would have to rely on Stephen's conviction that Jay didn't deserve to be beat down or punished. But he was trying, and Jay was quite sure that had to count for something.
Amy was waiting for him on the couch when he returned to the living room--rather warily, since he was expecting Jeni to be there despite Amy's reassurances.
"You look nice. Is that a new shirt?"
Jay looked down at the black T-shirt he'd owned since freshman year. "No."
"You sure?"
"Pretty sure."
"Maybe it's your hair."
"Nope, that's not new, either."
Amy's smile seemed a bit easier as she stood, but her eyes still lingered on Jay, like she wasn't quite convinced he wasn't lying to her.
"You should bring a jacket," Jay warned. "It's getting cooler out there."
Amy sighed. "Yeah, I noticed that this morning. It's going to be snowing soon."
"I don't understand why you moved to Utah if you hate the snow so much."
"I had my reasons. It'd be nice if I could remember them now. Maybe after I finish up with my degree I'll find my way back to Texas." She always sounded wistful when she mentioned her hometown, but now the words were thick, almost like she couldn't even choke them out. Jay held the front door open for her, studying her face as she passed him, but there were no visible signs of distress. Even her smile seemed far more natural now.
They chatted about their classes in the car, bitching about their professors and the midterm assignments. Jay had two very large papers looming on the horizon, mocking him every time he let himself think about it. It was a shame that none of his professors would be impressed with an essay about how wonderful Stephen was, since that was basically all Jay had the ability to focus on. Along with Stephen's hair, eyes, smile, cheeks, fingers, thighs, etc.
By the time they reached their favorite Mexican restaurant, Miramar, the sun was down past the mountains and the place was full with their dinner rush. The hostess recognized them and smiled a warm greeting before leading them away from the worst of the crowd. The restaurant had once been a used car dealership, which meant half the space was devoted to small, square offices, but since all the walls were made of large windows, the effect was one of privacy but not claustrophobia. Jay was fiercely devoted to their fish tacos.
"I'll get the check tonight," Amy said, after the hostess left them with their menus and tortilla chips.
"You don't have to do that."
"I know, but I want to because this is my apology dinner."
Jay dipped his chip into the salsa, his stomach growling loudly at the promise of food. "Your apology dinner?"
"Yes. I'm apologizing for being a giant jerk. Though I'll understand if you don't want to forgive me, either."
Jay popped the chip in his mouth and chewed slowly, searching her face for any sign that she wasn't serious.
"Jay, don't look at me like that please."
"Like what?"
"Like I'm a wild dog you can't trust."
"I'm not looking at you like that."
"Yes, you are. And I hate it. I'm sorry you think I betrayed you... "
"I don't think you... betrayed me. I mean, I don't see myself as some sort of tragic character."
"I don't know what you see yourself as, but you see me as Judas. I can tell."
"You brought her to my house," Jay said tightly. "How did you expect me to react?"
"I know. That's why I'm trying to apologize to you."
"What is going on today? It is some sort of day of atonement or something?"
"I broke up with Jeni last night."
Jay blinked. "You broke up with her? But I thought... I mean, you told me that you were happy. You said you didn't want to break up with her."
Amy took a long sip from her water. "Well, I was. We had fun together, and I don't know... I felt like she knew me. Or she could have known me."
"Is... did you... did you do that because of me?"
"It doesn't matter why I did it. That's between me and her."
Jay leaned forward, but she wouldn't look at him. She studied her hands, sipped her water, glanced out the window, smiled at the waitress as she walked by, but she wouldn't look at Jay. He wouldn't let himself look away from her, knowing she would buckle under his stare sooner or later.
"What was I supposed to do, Jay?" Amy bit out, almost angrily. "I told her I didn't appreciate the way she talked to you. That it was disrespectful."
"What did she say to that?"
"That she was sorry but... your face turns purple at the sight of her. It's just... too stressful... "
"Hey... Amy don't cry. Here." He pushed his napkin across the table--she'd already half shredded and soaked hers. "I didn't know you were that close to her. I thought you guys were more casual. I mean, you've only been seeing her for a month... "
"We've been dating exclusively for a month," Amy corrected. "But we were seeing each other since the summer."
Now Jay did feel a little bit betrayed. She'd been going behind Jay's back, in a sense. And she did so fully aware of how it would have upset Jay. Didn't that count as betrayal? It wasn't as though there were only a handful of lesbians in Salt Lake, regardless of what Amy claimed. Couldn't she have found any of the others?
"I just don't get it. She's cruel. How could you fall for somebody who is just mean, Amy? You're not mean."
"You know what my Shakespeare professor told me? Humor is cruel."
"That doesn't mean I want to be the butt of the joke."
"I think she thought she was being funny. But... the joke went too far. I saw that last week. So now it's over."
Jeni's distraught face filled his mind. If she was crying over Amy, why would she go to Stephen of all people? Had she just broken down in the middle of the Center? Stephen was the sort of person who would comfort a clearly heartbroken girl. Or maybe... had she gone to him? If she wanted to save her relationship with Amy, it would make sense to go to Stephen for advice. And Stephen would naturally tell her to apologize and Jay had naturally shoved that apology back down her throat and told her to choke on it.
He considered himself to be a kindhearted, reasonable, intelligent, good person. Those were just the four words he'd use to describe himself. But a good person didn't withhold forgiveness out of a petty need for revenge--even if the bitterness was justified. And Jay felt it was. It didn't matter to him if she just thought she was being funny, but much to his shame, for the first time he realized that Jeni actually did have a life fully separate and independent of him. She wasn't his arch nemesis, or the obsessed villain whose sole reason for living came down to tormenting him.
The waitress appeared then and they both ordered the dishes they always ordered, though Jay didn't have much of an appetite.
"When I left the Center, Stephen was talkin
g to a girl named Regan."
"Oh? Who is she? The name doesn't sound familiar."
"She's a freshman. She'd never been there before, but her family found out she was gay, and her parents kicked her out of the house. She said they still had all her stuff, and she couldn't go back for it."
"Jesus. That's terrible."
"Yeah. Stephen's going to find a place for her to stay and try to get some mediation for her and her parents. Or at least help her arrange it so she can get her stuff. But... she didn't have anywhere else to go. She just had to hope that we could help her. A bunch of strangers. And really, there's no guarantee that Stephen can help."
Amy sighed. "It makes you realize how lucky we are, doesn't it? At least we've got each other."
"Yeah."
"For whatever that's worth, I guess."
"It's worth a lot to me. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk. I should have... I should have tried harder to understand."
"It's not your fault. I should have talked to you about it. I should have talked to her about it. But when I was with her, everything seemed easy. And I really wanted things to be easy."
"Has the semester been hard on you? You never said anything."
"I don't know. My classes aren't too difficult individually, but my workload has been heavier. I'm going to be done with my degree soon, and I'm going to have to figure out what to do, and... I don't fucking know. I can't even imagine what it's like to know. Does anybody have it all figured out by the time they graduate?"
"Not in my experience, no."
"Jeni should have just been another distraction, but when we were together, none of that other stuff seemed to matter as much. It all seemed more bearable. God, I've been so caught up in my own little drama that I feel like I've been treating you like just a roommate."
"I've missed talking to you," Jay admitted. "I've been going through so much stuff with Stephen, and I haven't had the chance to tell you anything."
Amy cupped her chin on her hand. "Tell me now. I'm all ears."
"What do you want to hear about?"
"All of it. Is he amazing as he seems?"
"Honestly? He's more amazing than you can probably even imagine."
Amy seemed to brighten at that, looking more engaged than she had all evening. "Now you do need to tell me everything. Don't leave out a single detail."
Pisces: From Behind That Locked Door Page 11