Pisces: From Behind That Locked Door

by Pepper Espinoza

  Jay happily filled her in, trying to push the memory of Jeni's apology out of his mind as he spoke, but the image wouldn't fade.

  Chapter 10

  Given the choice, Jay would never speak to Jeni again. But he was becoming accustomed to gritting his teeth and dealing with tasks he wanted nothing to do with. If he could spend forty-five minutes lifting weights three days a week, not to mention the pain that was the stationary bike, and the true torture of the locker room, then he could take an hour out of his life to track down and talk to Jeni. Plus, it was the right thing to do. He repeated that mantra again and again as he climbed the steps that led to Jeni's apartment. He was doing the right thing, and sometimes people had to sacrifice their own personal comfort for the greater good. But somehow, when it happened in Dickens, it seemed much more noble, heroic, and romantic. This errand really wasn't any of those things. He wasn't even losing anything by coming over, except a bit of time.

  When he found out Jeni lived downtown, he imagined one of the big buildings behind the capital building, or something old and imposing in the Avenues. But it wasn't anything like that. She lived on the third floor of a squat, square building, like a saltine box cut in half. It was surrounded on all sides by larger, newer structures, and he had to squeeze between two buildings to get to the broken gate that marked the building's entrance. As soon as he opened the front door, he was assaulted with the smell of weed and tobacco, and something sharper and far more unpleasant just beneath it. He hoped it was just cat urine.

  Naturally, none of the doors were marked with numbers or letters, though they did bear the faded shapes of digits long since fallen away. Jay avoided breathing as much as he could and went up the flight of stairs, which creaked ominously with each step. He couldn't blame Amy for bringing Jeni over to their apartment all the time if this was their only other option. They didn't exactly have the nicest place in the world, but compared to this, they lived like royalty.

  By the time he reached the third floor, he was a little winded, but there was none of the tightness he'd become so accustomed to. He supposed compared to that goddamned bike, the stairs weren't much at all. The thought cheered him considerably, buoying his confidence as he debated which one of the doors belonged to Jeni. If they started numbering directly to his right, then the third door down would be hers.

  Well, if it wasn't, he'd keep trying until he found her. It wasn't like he was overwhelmed by options in the short, narrow corridor.

  Jeni answered his knock within seconds. "Jay? What are you doing here?"

  "I came to talk to you."

  "About what?"

  "Amy. I thought it would be best if we talked face to face."

  "Oh, well, come in."

  Jeni's apartment was such an improvement over the rest of the building that Jay couldn't quite believe his eyes. No amount of cleaning and organizing could rid the small apartment of the stench that seemed to permeate the entire building, but her carpet and paint looked new, she had a cozy setup with her couch, television, and computer, and the whole thing was spotless, including what he could see of the kitchen.

  "Do you want something to drink?"

  "No, I'm good. I won't be staying long. I... uh... I heard about what happened between you and Amy. "

  "Yeah, so what? Did you come over to gloat? You won."

  "I didn't know it was a competition."

  "You didn't? How could she not feel like she had to choose one of us?"

  Jay stared at her. "That's your fault. Do you think I go around chasing away all of Amy's girlfriends? You've been insulting me since you started dating her. Shit, you've been insulting me since we were kids. And now you're going to act like this is all my fault. Fuck. I don't even know why I'm trying."

  "Trying to do what?"

  "Talk to you and save your relationship with my best friend, even though I don't think you're good enough for her."

  "Oh, so the truth finally comes out."

  "Finally comes out? It's not a big secret that you're a jerk, Jeni. That's been your defining feature since we were kids."

  "I'm not a jerk. And you know, maybe if you didn't go around thinking you're so much better than everybody else, I never would have said anything."

  "You think I go around acting like I'm better than everybody else?"

  "You always have. Your parents are rich, you're smart, you were always the teacher's pet. I couldn't do any fucking thing without hearing about how you did it first, how you did it better. You even won that fucking scholarship that you didn't even need. I had to work two jobs to get my degree."

  "Oh, wow, that's the most tragic story I ever heard. You should try to sell your story to Lifetime, get a movie made."

  "Screw you, Jay."

  "No, screw you. I came here to try to let bygones be bygones because, for some reason I can't understand, Amy really likes you. And Amy's my best friend, and I want her to be happy. But instead of any sort of real apology for fucking years of torment, I get to hear about how I ruined your life because I'm smarter than you? Because my parents had more money than yours? Maybe bad things happen to you because you're a bad person. Have you ever thought of that?"

  Jeni blinked rapidly, and her lower lip started to quiver.

  "Don't start with the tears. What's the matter? Does the truth hurt?"

  "I didn't know I was tormenting you," Jeni protested.

  "So through the systematic torture and abuse, you were what? Blacking out?"

  "What are you talking about? Systematic torture? I never tortured you."

  "Yeah, yeah, I know. The endless digs about how fat and worthless I am were all in good humor, and like any great comedian, you need to be cruel. You're the second coming of Noel Coward. A genius misunderstood in her own time."

  "There were jokes, yeah, but... "

  "They weren't jokes to me," Jay said quietly. "Jokes are supposed to be funny, or at least good-natured. Walking behind me and mooing isn't funny."

  Jeni's face screwed up in confusion. "What? I never did that."

  "Yes, you did."

  "No, I didn't."

  "Yes, you did. I remember it like it happened yesterday, Jeni."

  "I don't remember it at all. I don't think I did that, but if I did, I am sorry. Kids do shitty things sometimes."

  "You're still doing shitty things."

  "I'm sorry, Jay. I don't know what else you want from me. Blood?"

  "I want to know why."

  "I... I don't know why. Because I thought I was being funny. I clearly wasn't, and I'm sorry. But whatever you thought I was doing to you... torturing you... hurting you, I didn't realize it. I didn't mean it."

  If Jay really didn't care about her anymore, as he'd claimed at the Center, it would be easy to simply accept that and move on with his life. The various hurts and insults he'd acquired from her over the years still ached dully in his chest, flaring to life with each rapid clench of his heart. The pain was familiar, and he wanted to hold on to it as tightly as he could. He wanted to guard each sliver, grasp it so tightly nothing could pull it away. It wasn't just something experienced. The broken shards and jagged edges had worked into the material of his person, becoming such an ingrained part of him that he didn't know how he could ever be himself without it.

  But that meant Jeni would always be with him, her voice overpowering Stephen's, overwhelming reason, making him miserable. He didn't like her well enough to carry her around for the rest of his life. Whether she hooked up with Amy or whether he never saw her again, the final result would be the same. He had to forgive her--really forgive her--for himself as much as for Amy.

  "I believe you," Jay said slowly, meaning it more with each word. "I forgive you, and I think you should call Amy."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah." Jay swallowed and extended his hand. "I do."

  She studied him for a moment, doubt in her expression. Finally, she reached out tentatively and clasped his fingers. He wrapped his hand around hers, somewhat surprised by
how soft her skin was.

  "Thank you."

  They released each other at the same time, and the weight he'd been carrying on his shoulders and over his heart began to loosen, disappearing like nothing more substantial than bubbles.

  "You sure you don't want a drink or something?"

  "I'm sure. Thanks though." He smiled a little and nodded at her, then pulled the door open behind him and backed out of the small apartment. That was the right thing to do, and now he wasn't just telling himself that. He felt it.

  He supposed this was what they called closure. That made sense. It felt like something had closed behind him, a door cut out of stone, shut and locked for good.

  Once Jay left Jeni, he only wanted one thing. It felt like weeks since he'd last seen Stephen, though it'd only been a day and a half. But it was only three o'clock, and Stephen would be at the Center until at least five, and probably later than that as they got closer to Pride Week. Which meant Jay had to be patient. He couldn't go racing up to campus and lock himself in Stephen's office, like he wanted. But he could let Stephen know that his company was very much desired.

  He could send Stephen a message that was impossible to interpret. Something that marked the day as something special and indicated Jay's readiness to turn over a new leaf. He knew that the conversation with Jeni wasn't going to change everything about him. He'd still be the same person with the same fears and insecurities, but he wasn't going to be a slave to those feelings anymore.

  * * * *

  Ninety minutes later, Jay understood why epiphanies rarely led to permanent changes. He stood naked in front of the mirror, his phone in one hand, his thumb hovering over the button to snap a photo. He'd been locked in that position for a good five minutes, gaze anxiously shifting between the image in the mirror and the image on the phone's tiny screen. All he needed to do was move his thumb a few centimeters, and the deed would be done, but even reassuring himself that he wouldn't have to send the picture couldn't unfreeze him.

  He hated the way he looked in photographs, naturally. In twenty-four years, he'd never taken a single photo that turned out passable. His school pictures were catastrophic, year after year, and he always looked like an ass in the more relaxed candid pictures. A fat ass. The camera was an unflinching observer, brutally honest, and worst of all, permanent. It wouldn't help that he was trying to do this with a crappy phone camera in a room with unflattering light. Not that there was any particular type of light that would help him.

  But he'd promised himself that he was going to do something to prove he was serious about becoming a new person. This was the perfect solution. What did it mean for his epiphany if he couldn't even bring himself to take one picture? A picture that he could delete immediately, no less. A picture that would never have to be seen by another set of human eyes, even the eyes it was theoretically intended for.

  "Okay. Okay, you're being silly. This isn't that big of a deal. It's a photo. Well, a nude photo, but people take dirty pictures of themselves all the time. It's not illegal. They aren't going to throw me in prison for taking a naked picture. Just do it on three. One. Two. Three."

  The flash reflected back in his eyes, and when his vision finally cleared of the dancing black spots, he realized that the glare completely obscured his figure. Which might have been the universe trying to tell him something. It counted, though. Just because the picture didn't turn out didn't mean it didn't count. He could close his phone, pull his clothes back on, and pretend none of this ever happened.

  Except, he really did want to send a clear message to Stephen. And if he couldn't even stand the thought of Stephen seeing a photo of him, how would he ever be able to get naked in front of Stephen for real? He would have to get himself to that point sooner or later. If only because he wanted more from Stephen than a hand job, wanted to give him something more than blow jobs.

  Jay cursed softly, turned off the damned flash, and lifted his hand again. Nearly his entire body was visible in the mirror, only the bottom three-quarters of his legs cut off. Would he be more attractive if he had an erection? Or would that be too ridiculous? Or was the whole situation ridiculous? Would Stephen even want this picture or was he being stupidly optimistic to even consider that possibility? No, he couldn't let himself think like that anymore. He had to trust Stephen. He had to. It wouldn't work between them if he didn't have any faith. And Stephen had made himself quite clear on the fact that he didn't want Jay to shield himself away. He needed to be completely vulnerable, exposed like he'd never been before.

  Stephen had said that he loved to look at Jay. He didn't understand it then or now, but maybe it wasn't for him to understand. Maybe it was just something he needed to accept.

  With that, he pushed the button again. This time there was no bright flare of light to blind him, and the image on the phone was sharp and blatant. He didn't let himself look at it for too long, afraid that he would lose his nerve completely. He attached the image to a text that said Amy's gone for the night. With a final, uneasy breath, he hit send.

  The response a minute later surprised him, and the phone chirped at him twice before he had the courage to actually read the message.

  Don't get dressed. Leaving here in five minutes.

  Jay gaped, the breath knocked out of his lungs. He'd hoped for some sort of positive response, but it hadn't occurred to him to expect an enthusiastic one. It took him another minute to formulate the perfect response, his fingers trembling so badly he could barely use the touchpad.

  I'll leave the door unlocked.

  Chapter 11

  Jay settled on the bed, reasoning that would be the most logical place to wait. He'd done his best to prepare for Stephen's arrival, including showering and putting a bottle of Amy's baby oil next to the bed, which was the closest thing he could find to actual lubricant. He didn't know if they'd use it, but it was best to be prepared for any eventuality. He wished he had condoms, too, but there was a big bowl of them right on the table at the Center, and if Stephen wanted things to progress that far, he could always grab a few on his way out.

  The minutes crawled by, leaving Jay nervous and squirming on the bed, half-hard despite the nerves fluttering through his torso. They weren't centralized at his stomach, but rather had free rein over every inch of him from his throat to his groin. There was a good deal of excitement mixed in with the fear, and more than a dash of arousal, and the combination made him feel like he was going to crawl out of his skin.

  When the front door opened, Jay had no doubt that it was Stephen. He opened his mouth to call a greeting, but his throat wasn't cooperating and he couldn't generate more than a soft, "Stephen." Seconds later, he was there, looming over the bed, impossibly tall and impossibly there. The weight of his gaze was more than Jay expected, and his fingers closed around the blanket unconsciously. Heat stained his face, neck, and chest, and he knew Stephen could see his blush. He probably looked like a tomato, but it was impossible to hold back the flush or dampen the heat growing beneath his skin. He might be able to get a bit of control of himself if Stephen would look away, but his eyes were unwavering.

  "Do you know what I was doing when I got that picture?" Stephen asked.

  Jay shook his head. He hoped it wasn't anything important.

  "Going over the budget. And do you know what happened to me when I saw the text?"

  Jay shook his head again.

  Stephen answered by unbuttoning his pants and pushing the flaps aside to expose his hard cock, jutting out from the light nest of hair, the crown a deep red. Jay's groin tightened at the sight of it, blood rushing to his cock so fast it made him dizzy. He was still trying to get his bearings when Stephen pushed his pants off and stripped his shirt. If there was one thing Jay would never, ever get enough of, it was the sight of Stephen's body. And he'd never seen it quite like this before, in the full light, nothing obscured or covered in clothes. Jay reached for him without thinking, knowing nothing except the deep, constant need to touch his smooth skin and
verify that he did, in fact, exist outside of Jay's imagination.

  Stephen took his hand and climbed onto the bed, swinging his leg over Jay's hips and straddling him.

  "You remember when you asked me if I ever thought about fucking?" Jay muttered thickly, his tongue too big for his mouth and his breath sharp, almost painful, in his throat.

  "Yeah."

  "I really, really want you, Stephen."

  Stephen pressed his chest to Jay's, his mouth dipping tantalizingly close to Jay's lips. "That's good to know. But first things first."

  "What... "

  Stephen cut the question off with a firm kiss and Jay could only moan as Stephen's tongue sweetly invaded his mouth. His arms went around Stephen as he gave himself over to the kiss, his senses absorbing every single detail of Stephen's body. Objectively, it wasn't really that much different from any of the other dozens of kisses Stephen had bestowed on him, but it felt completely new all the same, worlds away from everything that came before it. There was no doubting voice in the back of his head, urging him to hold himself back, to hide himself before it was too late, and Stephen was moving so deliciously on top of him. Every time he shifted his weight or leaned into the kiss, Jay's body lit up, flesh burning hotly as the lightest friction along his skin.

  The kiss ended far too soon for Jay's liking, but Stephen didn't seem perturbed by his protesting moan. He kissed down Jay's neck to his chest, moving lower than Jay had ever allowed before. Stephen wasn't in any sort of rush, and near as Jay could tell, he wasn't following any predetermined plan as he kissed over Jay's throat and chest, but he was very focused. Like he had a specific goal in mind, and he wasn't going to let anything stand between him and it. He smoothed his hand over Jay's chest, dragging his fingers through the patch of hair in the center while the tip of his cock nudged at Jay's thigh, leaving trails of warm pre-come.

  Stephen's mouth reached Jay's nipple, and remembering how Stephen had reacted when Jay had caught Stephen's nipple between his teeth, he braced himself. The lapping of his tongue didn't feel any different from any other patch of skin he tasted--that is to say, it felt amazing but not surprising. Not until Stephen caught the hardening skin with his teeth and something white-hot flashed through him.