the STRUGGLE

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  “Hannah, it’s time for us to go now. We must return to the house and spend time with our guests,” Timothy said, gently touching her shoulder.

  Hannah wouldn’t even look at him. Finally, Hannah’s mother and father led her slowly away.

  Timothy stayed at the grave site a few more minutes, fighting to gain control of his emotions. He knew he had to find a way through the difficult days ahead, but he didn’t know how. Worse yet, he feared that his wife, who’d been so close to their daughter, might never be the same.

  CHAPTER 42

  Paradise, Pennsylvania

  I’m worried about Timothy and Hannah,” Fannie told Abraham as they ate breakfast a week after they’d returned from Kentucky.

  “I know you are, Fannie, but worrying won’t change a thing.” Abraham rested his hand on her arm. “We’re told in 1 Peter 5:7 to cast all our cares on Him.”

  “I realize that, but it’s hard when you see a loved one hurting and know there’s nothing you can do to ease their pain.”

  “There most certainly is. We can pray for them, offer encouraging words, and listen and be there when they want to talk.”

  “You’re right.” Fannie sighed. “I just wish we could have stayed in Kentucky longer. I really think Timothy and Hannah need us right now.”

  “But remember, Fannie, Hannah’s folks are still there, and I think it might have been too much if we’d stayed, too.”

  “But we could have stayed with Samuel,” she argued. “There’s plenty of room in that big house of his, and we would have been able to go over often and check on Timothy and Hannah.”

  Abraham stroked Fannie’s hand. “We’ll be going back in a few weeks for Samuel and Esther’s wedding. I’m sure Hannah’s folks will be gone by then, and it’ll give us a chance to spend more time with Hannah and Timothy.”

  “That’s true, but how can we celebrate what should be a joyous occasion when our son and his wife are in such deep grief?”

  “While there will be some sadness, it’ll be good for everyone to focus on something positive,” he said. “Samuel went through a lot when he lost Elsie, and he deserves to be happy with Esther.”

  Fannie nodded. “You’re right. And since I’ve come to know Esther fairly well, I believe she’s the right woman for Samuel and his kinner.”

  “I agree, and I hope Timothy and Hannah are able to be at the wedding, too, because I’m sure Samuel would be disappointed if they didn’t come.”

  “Do you really think Hannah will be up to going? You know how upset she’s been since Mindy died.” Fannie paused, feeling the pain of it all herself. “Abraham, it about broke my heart to see the way she shut Timothy out. She barely looked at him the day of Mindy’s funeral.”

  “I know.”

  “Timothy thinks she blames him for Mindy’s death.” Fannie’s forehead wrinkled. “Do you think our son is responsible for the tragedy?”

  Abraham shrugged. “Guess there’s a little blame on everyone’s shoulders. Timothy for not putting in new screens; Hannah for not keeping a closer watch on Mindy; and even little Mindy, who shouldn’t have been playing near the window.” He sighed. “But as I told Timothy when I spoke to him on the phone last night, blaming himself or anyone else will not bring Mindy back.”

  Fannie nodded slowly. “You’re right, of course, but it’s a hard fact to swallow.”

  “I also reminded our son that in order to find the strength to press on, he needs to spend time alone with God.”

  “That was very good advice,” Fannie said. “I just hope Timothy will heed what you said.”

  Pembroke, Kentucky

  “You really need to eat something,” Sally said, offering Hannah a piece of toast.

  Hannah shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

  Sally frowned. She was worried sick about her daughter. Over the last week, a number of women from the community had brought food, but Hannah wouldn’t eat anything unless she was forced to. She simply sat quietly in the rocking chair, holding Mindy’s doll.

  If all I can do is offer comfort and sit beside Hannah, then that’s what I’ll do, Sally thought, taking a seat beside Hannah. “You can take comfort in knowing that Mindy is in a better place,” she said, placing her hand on Hannah’s arm.

  “Better place? What could be better for my little girl than to be right here with me?” Hannah’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “It’s Timothy’s fault Mindy is dead! If he’d just put new screens in the windows like I asked—”

  “Kannscht ihn verge ware?” Johnny asked as he entered the room.

  Hannah slowly shook her head. “No, I don’t think I can ever forgive him.”

  Johnny stood beside Hannah and placed his hand on her shoulder. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that we don’t get to choose our fate. We can only learn how to live through it.”

  Hannah just continued to rock, staring straight ahead.

  “God doesn’t spare us trials,” Sally said. “But He does help us overcome them.”

  Hannah made no reply.

  “Maybe we should leave her alone for a while.” Johnny nudged Sally’s arm and motioned to the kitchen. “Let’s go eat breakfast. Timothy’s finishing his chores in the barn, and I’m sure he’ll be hungry when he comes in.”

  Sally hesitated. She really wished Hannah would join them for breakfast but didn’t want to force the issue. Maybe Johnny was right about Hannah needing some time alone; she had been hovering over her quite a bit this week. With a heavy sigh, Sally stood and followed Johnny to the kitchen.

  When Timothy joined them a few minutes later, Sally couldn’t help but notice the tears in his eyes. He was obviously as distressed about Mindy’s death as Hannah was, but at least he continued to eat and do his chores. Yet Timothy spoke very little about his feelings. Maybe he thought not talking about it would lessen the pain. Sally knew otherwise.

  The three of them took seats at the table, and after their silent prayer, Sally passed a platter of scrambled eggs and ham to Timothy. He took a piece of the ham and a spoonful of eggs; then after handing the platter to Johnny, he said, “I appreciate all that you both have done, but you’ve been here almost two weeks now, and I think it’s time for you to go home.”

  “But Hannah’s not doing well, and she needs me,” Sally argued. She couldn’t believe Timothy would suggest that they return to Pennsylvania right now.

  With a look of determination, Timothy shook his head. “Hannah and I need each other in order to deal with our grief. As long as you’re here, she’ll never respond to me.”

  Sally winced, feeling as if he’d slapped her face. Did Timothy honestly believe that Hannah, who hadn’t said more than a few words to him since Mindy’s death, needed him more than she did her own mother? She was about to tell him what she thought about that when Johnny spoke up.

  “I believe you’re right, Timothy. Sally and I will leave in the morning.”

  CHAPTER 43

  Timothy leaned against Dusty’s stall and groaned. It had been three weeks since Mindy’s death, and things seemed to be getting worse between him and Hannah. He’d figured once Hannah’s parents went home, Hannah would return to their own room at night, but she’d continued to sleep in Mindy’s bedroom. To make matters worse, whenever Timothy spoke to Hannah, she barely acknowledged his presence. Didn’t she realize how horrible he felt about Mindy’s death? Didn’t she know that he missed their daughter, too?

  Despite his grief, Timothy knew he needed to get back to work or they wouldn’t have money to pay their bills and buy groceries. Yet he couldn’t leave Hannah by herself all day—not in the state she was in. So he’d called and left a message for Suzanne last night, asking if she’d be willing to come and sit with Hannah. He hoped that either she or Titus had checked their voice mail, because Samuel and his driver would be coming by in an hour to pick him up. If Suzanne didn’t come over by then, there was no way Timothy could go off to work. He couldn’t ask Esther to stay with Hann
ah. Between taking care of Samuel’s kids and doing last-minute things for her upcoming wedding, she had her hands full. Thankfully, Bonnie and Allen had returned from their honeymoon a few days ago, so Esther’s help wasn’t needed at the B&B anymore.

  Forcing his thoughts aside, Timothy finished feeding Dusty and Lilly then went back to the house. Hannah was sitting in the rocking chair with Mindy’s doll in her lap.

  “We need to talk,” he said, kneeling on the floor in front of her.

  Hannah kept rocking, staring straight ahead, with no acknowledgment of his presence. If her pale face and sunken eyes were any indication of how tired she felt, she hadn’t slept much since the accident, but then, neither had he. How could he get any quality sleep when his wife stayed two rooms away and wouldn’t even speak to him? He longed to offer Hannah comfort and reassurance, but it wouldn’t be appreciated. Hannah had shut him out, and he wasn’t sure she would ever let him into her world again. Her brown eyes looked so sorrowful behind her tears, yet she wouldn’t express her feelings.

  Timothy was even more worried because he’d noticed that Hannah had lost a lot of weight since the accident. She ate so little, and then only when someone practically forced her to do so. Did she think that not eating would dull her pain, or was she trying to starve herself to death? He hoped she wasn’t so depressed that she wanted to end her own life. He couldn’t deal with another tragedy—especially one of that magnitude. He’d just have to try harder to get through to her.

  “I love you, Hannah. Please talk to me.” Timothy’s fingers curved under her trembling chin.

  She winced and pulled away as if she couldn’t stand the sight of him. Her reluctance to look at him or even speak his name was so strong he could feel it to the core of his being. Even his gentle touch seemed to make her cringe. If only there was something he could do to bridge the awful gap between them.

  “Why are you shutting me out?” he asked, trying once again. “Don’t you think I miss Mindy, too?”

  Hannah turned in her chair, refusing to make eye contact with him.

  Timothy swallowed around the lump in his throat. It hurt to know she didn’t love him anymore.

  A knock sounded on the back door, and he went to answer it.

  “I got your message,” Suzanne said when he found her standing on the porch. “I’d be happy to stay with Hannah while you go to work today.”

  Timothy breathed a sigh of relief, trying to stay composed. “Let’s go into the kitchen so we can talk,” he said.

  When they entered the kitchen, Timothy shared his concerns about Hannah. “I know it’s only been a few weeks since Mindy died, but Hannah’s still grieving so hard it scares me. What if she doesn’t snap out of it? What if—”

  “I’ll try talking to her,” Suzanne said. “Maybe she’ll open up to me.”

  “You might be right. Since she doesn’t blame you for our daughter’s death, she probably won’t give you the cold shoulder the way she does me. I can’t get her to respond to me at all.”

  Suzanne offered Timothy a sympathetic smile and patted his arm. “Things will get better in time; you’ll see.”

  Timothy sighed. “I hope so, because the guilt I feel for not putting in new window screens is bad enough, but having my wife shut me out the way she has is the worst kind of pain.”

  “I can only imagine.”

  A horn honked, and Timothy looked out the window. “Samuel and his driver are here, so I’d better go. Thanks again for coming, Suzanne.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  As Hannah continued to rock, her shoulders sagged with the weight of her depression. She almost felt paralyzed with grief and was sure that her life would never be normal again.

  When she’d refused to talk to Timothy, she’d seen the pained expression on his face, but she didn’t care. Because of him, she was miserable. Because of him, she’d never see her precious little girl again.

  Hannah stopped rocking, lifted Mindy’s doll, and studied its face. If Mindy had lived and been crippled, that would have been better than her dying, she thought. Then she remembered a conversation she’d had with Esther some time ago about her brother, Dan, who was struggling with MS. Hannah had mentioned that she didn’t think she could take care of someone like that. If she could have Mindy back, she’d gladly make the sacrifice of caring for her, even if she was disabled.

  Suzanne stepped into the living room, disrupting Hannah’s thoughts. “I’m here to spend the day with you,” she said, handing Hannah a cup of hot tea.

  Hannah shook her head. “I don’t want anything to drink, and I don’t need you to babysit me.”

  Suzanne set the teacup on the small table near the rocking chair and took a seat on the sofa across from Hannah. “Timothy is really worried about you.”

  Hannah said nothing.

  “We’re all worried, Hannah.”

  Hannah started the rocker moving again. Creak…Creak…Creak … It moved in rhythmic motion.

  “I know you’re going through a hard time, but if you ask God for strength, He will give it to you. When you’re hurting, He will give you comfort in ways that no one else can.”

  Hannah’s throat constricted, and a tight sob threatened to escape. “God doesn’t care about me.”

  “He most certainly does. God loves and cares about all His people.”

  “Then why’d He take Mindy?”

  “I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that accidents happen, and—”

  Hannah’s face contorted. “It was an accident that shouldn’t have happened! God could have prevented it, and so could Timothy. He should have put new screens on the windows when I asked him to. Now our daughter is gone, and she’s never coming back!”

  Hopkinsville, Kentucky

  “Are you sure you’re ready to begin working again?” Samuel asked Timothy as he set a ladder in place inside the doctor’s office they’d been hired to paint.

  “Whether I’m ready or not is beside the point. I have to work. We need the money, and I need to keep busy so I don’t think too much,” Timothy said after he’d opened a bucket of paint.

  “It’s good to be busy, but I’m concerned that you might not have given yourself enough time to heal before returning to work,” Samuel said. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping well.”

  “I haven’t. It’s kind of hard to sleep when I know it’s my fault that my daughter is dead. And knowing Hannah blames me for the accident makes it even worse.” Timothy clenched his fingers tightly together. “When I look in the mirror these days, I don’t like what I see.”

  “That’s narrish. Blaming yourself will only wear you down.”

  “It might seem foolish to you, but that’s the way I feel.” Timothy dropped his gaze as he continued. “I keep hearing Hannah that day, asking me to fix the window screens upstairs. But I was too worried about planting the field. I kept putting it off and finding other things to do. Now in hindsight, I keep asking myself, What was I thinking? Replacing those screens, especially in my daughter’s room, was far more important than the corn crop that ended up getting destroyed. Same goes for the rest of the projects I did instead of taking care of the screens. Mindy’s life was at stake, and now I’m paying the price for being so stupid.”

  Samuel moved across the room and clasped Timothy’s shoulder. “It takes a strong person to deal with hard times, and you’re a strong person. So with God’s help, you can choose to forgive yourself and go on with your life. And never forget that you have a family who loves and cares about you. We’re all here to support you through this difficult time. Remember, Timothy, I was in a similar situation over a year ago when I lost Elsie. I know it’s not exactly the same, but the pain is just as strong. In time, good things will happen again in your lives. I never would have believed it myself, but good things have happened for me.”

  “I appreciate hearing that, and I know as time passes it might get easier. I couldn’t get through this without my family’s support, but I
sure wish I had Hannah’s. She won’t even speak to me. In fact, she avoids looking at me.” Timothy groaned. “I really don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Would you like me to talk to her? With all I went through after Elsie died, I might be able to help Hannah through her grief.”

  “You can try if you like. Suzanne said she’ll attempt to get through to Hannah, too, but I doubt it’ll do any good.” Timothy picked up his paintbrush. “Guess we’d better get to work, or this job will never get done.”

  Samuel nodded. “Just remember one thing: I’m here for you, day or night.”

  CHAPTER 44

  Pembroke, Kentucky

  Mom, Dad, it’s so good you could be here for my wedding today,” Esther said as she sat with her folks eating breakfast at Bonnie’s dining-room table. Mom and Dad had arrived yesterday afternoon and would be staying for a few days after the wedding. Esther’s brother James and his family, who lived in Lykens, Pennsylvania, had also come. But due to Dan’s failing health, he and his family had remained in Pennsylvania.

  “We’re glad we could be here, too,” Mom said, smiling at Esther. “There’s no way we could miss our only daughter’s wedding.”

  Dad bobbed his head. “Your mamm’s right about that.”

  Esther glanced across the table at Samuel’s sister Naomi. She and her husband, Caleb, as well as some other members of Samuel’s family, were also staying at the bed-and-breakfast. Esther appreciated the fact that Bonnie had graciously agreed to let them all have their rooms at no cost. They’d set up a cot for Trisha in the guesthouse, and she’d slept there last night, since they needed all the extra rooms for their guests. Trisha would be living in the guesthouse full-time after Esther was married.

  “I can’t believe this day is finally here,” Esther murmured. “I just feel a bit guilty getting married when Timothy and Hannah are still grieving for Mindy. Samuel and I had thought about postponing the wedding for another month or two, but Timothy wouldn’t hear of it.”