the STRUGGLE

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  “Now what’s that doing here?” he murmured. Could Hannah have gone out to get the mail today and taken the doll along? She’d had it with her almost constantly since Mindy died and often rocked the doll as though it were a baby. Hannah had probably dropped it on the way back from the mailbox and just hadn’t noticed.

  Timothy picked up the doll and carried it under one arm. When he entered the house, all was quiet, and he didn’t smell any food. It was a disappointment, but he was used to it because Hannah hadn’t done any of the cooking since Mindy died. Timothy stepped into the utility room and put the doll on a shelf then went to the kitchen. Hannah wasn’t there, and he was about to call for her when he spotted a note on the table. He picked it up and read it silently.

  Timothy,

  I’m sure you’ll be disappointed when I tell you this, but I can’t stay here any longer. Every time I look at you, I remember that you could have prevented our daughter’s death, and it’s too painful for me to deal with. I’m returning to Pennsylvania to be with Mom and Dad. Please don’t come after me, because I won’t come back to Kentucky, and I can no longer live with you. It’s better this way, for both of us.

  —Hannah

  Timothy sank into a chair and groaned. He couldn’t believe it. After last night, he was sure things were better between them. Why had she let him kiss her and then slept in their room if she hadn’t forgiven him for being the cause of Mindy’s death?

  He shuddered and swallowed against the sob rising in his throat. He’d not only lost his daughter, but now his wife was gone, too. He didn’t know if he’d ever see Hannah again. She hadn’t even signed the note with love. Should he go after her—insist that she come home? Or would it be better to give her some time and hope she’d come back on her own? After so many weeks of trying to remain strong, Timothy could no longer hold in his grief. He leaned forward and sobbed so hard it almost made him ill. He didn’t care anymore. He was exhausted from trying to be strong for Hannah, and now he had nothing left. How much more could a man take?

  CHAPTER 46

  Paradise, Pennsylvania

  Sally had just entered the phone shack to make a call when the telephone rang. She quickly picked up the receiver. “Hello.”

  “Sally, is that you?” a male voice asked.

  “Yes, it’s me. Who’s this?”

  “It…it’s Timothy.”

  “Is everything all right? You sound umgerennt.“

  “I am upset. I came home from work today and found a note from Hannah.” There was a pause. “She said she was leaving me and returning to Pennsylvania.”

  Sally drew in a sharp breath. “Hannah’s on her way here?”

  “Jah. I’m not sure if she hired a driver or caught a bus.” Another pause. “I thought maybe you would have heard from her.”

  “No, but then maybe she didn’t call because she was afraid we would have told her she shouldn’t come.”

  “Would you have?”

  Sally sank into the folding chair, unsure how to respond. If Hannah had told her that she was coming, it would have been hard to dissuade her. But she was fairly sure if Hannah had talked to Johnny about this, he would have told her to stay put—that her place was in Kentucky with her husband.

  “Sally, are you still there?”

  “Jah, I’m here.”

  “What are you gonna do when Hannah gets there?” Timothy asked.

  Sally was glad he hadn’t forced her to answer his previous question. She shifted the phone to her other ear.

  “We’ll make her feel welcome, of course.”

  Timothy grunted. “Figured as much.”

  “Hannah’s obviously in great distress or she wouldn’t have felt the need to leave Kentucky. Seriously, we can hardly ask her to go as soon as she gets here.”

  “No, I suppose not, but Hannah’s place is with me.”

  “Maybe she needs some time away—time to think and allow her broken heart to heal.”

  “You might be right, but I’m hurting, too, and I think I should be the one to help Hannah through her grief.”

  “You may not realize this now, but a time of separation might be what you both need.”

  “It’s not what I need, Sally. When Hannah gets there, will you please ask her to come home?”

  “Pennsylvania has been Hannah’s home since she was a baby.”

  “Not anymore,” Timothy said forcefully. “Her home’s here with me!”

  “I can’t talk anymore,” Sally said. “I need to fix supper for Johnny. One of us will call and let you know when Hannah arrives so you won’t worry about her. Good-bye, Timothy. Take care.” Sally hung up the phone quickly, before he could respond.

  She sat for several minutes, mulling things over. So Hannah’s coming home. I wonder what Johnny will have to say about this?

  Pembroke, Kentucky

  When Timothy hung up the phone, he sat in disbelief. After his conversation with Sally, he was convinced that she had no intention of trying to persuade Hannah to return to Kentucky.

  Needing some fresh air, he stepped out of the hot, stuffy phone shanty. He needed to talk to his brothers about this, and he’d start with Titus, since he lived the closest.

  Timothy sprinted up to the barn to get his horse and buggy, and a short time later he was on the road. He let Dusty run, and as the horse trotted down the road, Timothy’s thoughts ran wild. He remembered the day he’d told Hannah he wanted to move to Kentucky. She’d argued with him and begged him to change his mind. When she’d asked if he would be sad to leave Pennsylvania, he’d replied, “As long as I have you and Mindy, I’ll never be sad.” Little did he know then that less than a year later, he’d be sadder than he ever thought possible.

  “Maybe Hannah was right about my decision to move here,” he mumbled. “But if we’d stayed in Pennsylvania, Hannah would have continued to put her mamm’s needs ahead of mine, and she’d have spent more time with her than she did me.”

  Who am I kidding? My marriage to Hannah is in more trouble now than it’s ever been. I’d thought things were better last night, but I was wrong. Hannah obviously doesn’t love me. She probably had a moment of weakness and, when she woke up this morning, realized her mistake and wanted to get as far away from me as possible. No doubt she’d rather be with her Mamm right now.

  By the time Timothy pulled into Titus’s place, he felt even more confused and stressed out. He really did need to talk to someone who’d understand the way he felt about things.

  “What brings you by here this evening?” Titus asked, stepping out of the barn. “Is everything okay?”

  “No, it’s not,” Timothy said, climbing out of the buggy. “Hannah’s gone!”

  “What do you mean?”

  Timothy explained about the note he’d found and told Titus about the conversation he’d had with Hannah’s mother.

  “Would you like my opinion?” Titus asked.

  “Jah, that’s why I came over here. I’d also like Suzanne’s opinion. Is she in the house?”

  “No, she’s feeding the cats in the barn. You want me to call her, or should we go in there?”

  “Let me secure my horse, and then we can go in the barn.”

  When they entered the barn a few minutes later, Timothy spotted Suzanne sitting on a bale of hay with Titus’s cat, Callie, in her lap. Seeing Suzanne so large in her pregnancy reminded him of Hannah when she was carrying Mindy. How long ago that now seemed.

  “Oh hi, Timothy,” she said, smiling up at him. “Is Hannah with you?”

  He shook his head then quickly explained the situation. “I can’t believe she would just up and leave me like that,” he said.

  “She’s been an emotional wreck ever since Mindy died, and people like that don’t think things through before they act,” Suzanne said. “If you want my opinion, I think you should give her some time.”

  “So you don’t think I should go after her?”

  Suzanne shook her head. “That might make matters even worse.”


  Timothy looked at Titus. “What are your thoughts?”

  “I agree with my wife. If you try to force Hannah to come back to Kentucky, she might resent you more than she already does. It could drive a wedge between you that will never break down.”

  “What if Hannah never gets over Mindy’s death? She blames me for the accident, and I’m afraid—” Timothy stopped talking and drew in a shaky breath. “You don’t think Hannah will divorce me, do you?”

  Suzanne gasped. “That would be baremlich, and it goes against our beliefs.”

  “Jah, it would be terrible,” Titus said, “but I really don’t think Hannah would do such a thing.”

  “How do you know?” Timothy questioned.

  “If she got a divorce, she’d have to leave the Amish faith. Can you really see Hannah doing something that would take her away from her family—especially her mamm—and in such a tragic way?”

  “I hope not, but in Hannah’s current state of mind, she might do anything.” Timothy sank to a bale of hay and let his head fall forward into his hands. All he could do was wait and pray for a miracle.

  CHAPTER 47

  Paradise, Pennsylvania

  Hannah sat in a wicker rocking chair on her parents’ front porch, watching two of Dad’s cats leaping through the grass, chasing grasshoppers. It made her think of Mindy and how she’d loved playing with Bobbin. Mindy had also liked playing with her doll, but a few days after she’d arrived at her folks’, Hannah had realized that Mindy’s doll must still be in Kentucky. She’d had it with her when she was walking down the lane to call for a driver, so she assumed in her grief, she must have dropped it along the way. It was probably just as well. Seeing it all the time would be a constant reminder of what Hannah had lost.

  Tears sprang to her eyes. She remembered the time she’d entered the living room and spotted Mindy leaning against the wall, wearing Timothy’s sunglasses and a grin that stretched from ear to ear. She’d been such a happy child—so spontaneous and curious about things.

  “Mind if I join you?” Mom asked, joining Hannah on the porch.

  “No.” Hannah motioned to the chair beside her.

  “Are you doing okay?” Mom asked, taking a seat. “You look like you’re deep in thought.”

  “I was thinking about Mindy and how much fun she used to have playing with the cat.” Hannah sniffed. “Thanks to us moving to Kentucky, you and Dad missed so many of the cute little things Mindy said and did. I wish….” Her voice trailed off, and she stared down at her hands, clasped firmly in her lap.

  Mom reached over and took Hannah’s hand. “It’s all right, Hannah.”

  “Would you like to hear about some of the things Mindy did?”

  “Of course.”

  “One day Mindy and I were walking on the path leading from our house to the mailbox. She stopped all of a sudden and looked up at me with a huge smile. Then she said, ‘I love you Mama.’ ”

  Hannah stopped talking and drew in a shaky breath, hoping to gain control of her swirling emotions. “Another time, Mindy was picking dandelions and kept calling them ‘pretty flowers.’ She had a dandelion in her hand when she died, Mom.” Hannah paused again, barely able to get the words out. “I…I will never forget the shock of seeing my precious little girl lying there so still, with a withered dandelion in her hand.” Hannah nearly choked on the sob rising in her throat. “I don’t think I can ever forgive Timothy for causing Mindy’s death.”

  Pembroke, Kentucky

  “Not long ago, Trisha and I were talking about how food always tastes so much better when it’s eaten outside,” Bonnie said as she and Allen sat on the front porch of the B&B eating supper. They’d invited Trisha to join them, but she’d declined, saying she wanted to give the newlyweds some time alone and would fix something for herself in the guesthouse.

  “You’re right about the food tasting good,” Allen agreed, after taking a bite of fried chicken. “The only problem with eating outside is this hot July weather. Whew! It makes me glad for air-conditioning! I don’t know how our Amish friends manage without it.”

  Bonnie smiled. “I guess one never misses what one’s never had.”

  “That’s true.”

  “By the way,” she asked, “have you seen Timothy since he ate supper with us last week? I’ve been wondering how he’s doing.”

  “Not very well. I saw him yesterday, and he’s so despondent. It’s a miracle he’s been able to keep going at all.”

  “I wish Hannah hadn’t walked out on him. She may not realize it, but she needs her husband as much as he needs her.”

  “I agree.” Allen reached for Bonnie’s hand. “If we ever had to go through anything like that, I’d want you right by my side.”

  She nodded. “I’d want you near me as well, but I hope we’re never faced with anything like what Hannah and Timothy are going through right now.”

  In the two weeks Hannah had been gone, it had been all Timothy could do to cope. He missed his wife so much and longed to speak with her. He’d called her folks several times and left voice messages for Hannah, but she never responded. He’d gotten one message from Sally the day Hannah got there, but it was brief and to the point. She didn’t think Timothy should try to contact Hannah and said Hannah would contact him, if and when she felt ready.

  “What a slap in the face,” Timothy mumbled as he made himself a sandwich for supper. Since he wasn’t much of a cook, he’d been eating sandwiches for supper every evening unless he ate at one of his brothers’ homes. Both Esther and Suzanne were good cooks, so he appreciated getting a home-cooked meal. He’d eaten supper at Bonnie and Allen’s one night last week, and that meal had been good, too.

  If I could just talk to Hannah, he thought, I might be able to convince her to come home.

  Timothy wanted to go to Pennsylvania and speak to her face-to-face, but Samuel and Titus had both advised him to stay put and give Hannah all the time she needed. Trisha, who had lost her husband a few years ago, had reminded Timothy that everyone was different and that it took some people longer than others to deal with their grief. Timothy understood that because he was still grieving for Mindy. He really believed he and Hannah needed each other during this time of mourning. He also feared that the longer they were apart, the harder it would be to bridge the gap between them.

  Through prayer and Bible reading, Timothy had been trying to forgive himself, but it was difficult knowing Hannah might never forgive him or come back to Kentucky. How could he go on without her? Nothing would ever be the same if they weren’t together as husband and wife.

  Timothy set his knife down and made a decision. He would call his mother and ask her to speak to Hannah on his behalf. He just hoped Hannah would listen.

  CHAPTER 48

  On Monday morning, during the second week of August, Titus showed up at Samuel and Esther’s house with a big grin. “Suzanne had the baby last night, and it’s a boy!” he announced, after he’d entered the kitchen, where they sat with the children having breakfast.

  Samuel jumped up and hugged Titus. “That’s really good news! Congratulations!”

  “How are Suzanne and the baby doing?” Esther asked.

  “Real well, all things considered. Her labor was hard, but then I guess that’s often the case with first babies. The boppli is healthy and has a good set of lungs. Oh, and he weighs nine and a half pounds, and he’s almost twenty-two inches long.”

  “That’s a pretty good-sized baby,” Samuel said with a low whistle. “Much bigger than any of my kinner when they were born. I think Leon was the biggest; he weighed seven pounds, eleven ounces. The other three were all six and seven pounds.”

  “What’d ya name the boppli?” Marla asked.

  Titus’s grin, which had never left his face, widened. “Named him Abraham, after my daed. ‘Course we’ll probably call him Abe for short.”

  “I like that name,” Leon spoke up. “It’ll be nice to have another boy cousin.”

  “I�
�m sure Dad will be happy to hear you named the baby after him.” Samuel motioned to the table. “If you haven’t had breakfast yet, you’re welcome to join us.”

  “I appreciate the offer, but I’m too excited to eat anything right now. I’ve gotta call the folks and leave ’em a message. And I want to stop and tell Timothy the news. Then I’ll be heading back to the hospital to see how my fraa and boppli are doing.”

  “What about Suzanne’s family?” Esther questioned. “Do they know about the baby?”

  Titus bobbed his head. “Suzanne’s mamm went with us to the hospital last night, so she was there when the boppli came.”

  “I’ll bet she was excited,” Esther said. “Especially since this is her first grandchild.”

  “Jah. Since Nelson seems to be in no hurry to find himself a wife, our little Abe will probably be the only grandchild for Suzanne’s mamm to dote on for some time.” Titus rolled his eyes. “Which means he’ll probably end up bein’ spoiled.”

  “We’re really happy for you,” Samuel said. “There’s nothing quite like becoming a parent.” He patted the top of Jared’s head.

  Esther smiled. She knew how much Samuel loved his children and hoped it wouldn’t be long before they could have a child of their own to add to this happy family.

  Paradise, Pennsylvania

  Fannie had just finished making french toast for breakfast when Abraham ambled into the kitchen with a smug-looking smile. “I’ve got some good news,” he said, clasping Fannie’s arm.

  “Glad to hear it, because it’ll be nice to get some good news for a change. Seems like there’s too much bad going on in our world these days.”

  “I just came from the phone shack, and there was a message from Titus.”

  “Oh? What’d it say?”

  “Suzanne had her boppli last night, and they named him after me.”

  Fannie smiled widely. “They had a boy?”