by Sarah Cole
“It doesn’t matter what I think. I know what is going to happen now. They’re going to take Emma away from me – from her father, the only parent she has.” I counter, and he doesn’t say anything. He just studies me, chewing on his bottom lip just like Clara does when she’s got something to say, but won’t say it out loud.
“You wouldn’t understand, Logan. You don’t have kids…” I tell him, walking to the sink to rinse away some of the evidence of my meltdown.
“You’re right, Flynn. I don’t, and I hope to God I never do because I’d only fuck them up like my parents did me, but Clara? She loves your daughter, and I stand by her. If she chose to tell the truth out there over whatever lies you thought she’d spew, she probably did if for a damn good reason. She’d never hurt you or your daughter intentionally. So, before you go pointing your finger about who’s in the wrong here, you better take a fucking good look in the mirror, man. Get your shit together, because regardless what happens in the next hour, your daughter still needs you for the rest of her life. You don’t get to throw in the towel because you have a case of wounded pride. And for what it’s worth, Clara needs you too.” He pins me with a pointed look before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
CLARA:
He hates me, and I don’t blame him. I’d hate me too if it wasn’t for the fact that I know for certain I just did the right thing. That’s the thing that sucks the most in life… making the right choices. Why is it that the right choices are always the hardest ones to make and the ones that end up costing you the most? Well, at least that’s what it seems like from where I’m sitting right now.
“You ok, honey?” someone says sitting down beside me. I don’t have to look up from my lap to know its Irene, the smell of her signature perfume invading my senses.
“I’m not sure.” I say, finally looking up to meet her soft eyes and she settles an arm around my shoulder.
“You did the right thing.” She gives me a little squeeze.
“I hope so…”
“You did.” She confirms. “I’d told him months ago, that he needed to find someone to talk to about that, but I didn’t realize he hadn’t or that it hadn’t gotten better since the last time I’d seen anything was before Emma was born. I’m sorry. Part of this is on me for not pushing him harder, but he’s so damn stubborn sometimes. Just like his Daddy was.” She smiles a sad smile.
I wipe away the traitorous tears that won’t stop leaking from my eyes.
“I know deep down I did the right thing, but I just wish I didn’t feel so crappy for doing it. I think we all know what is going to happen now, but I don’t want to lose them either. I want them to be safe and happy, but I’m selfish. I love them too much, and I know after that nothing will ever be the same again…I love him so much. I just want him to get the help he needs.” I try and force out over the thick ache of emotion that has lodged itself in my throat.
“Oh honey,” Irene soothes, rubbing my bare shoulder, “I wish I could tell you that everything will be alright between you, but like I said, he’s stubborn. The only thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that boy loves you. Not just a little bit either. He thinks the sun rises and sets with you, and it may take him a long time to get over it, but I know he’ll never stop loving you. Just remember that.”
“I just wish it didn’t come to this.” I say almost to myself.
“Life is messy. We just have to learn to clean it up and keep living.” She pats my knee and stands up to return to her seat with Mitch.
I’m not sure how long I sit alone on the hard bench tracing the floral pattern on my pencil skirt with my finger before Logan slides into the seat next to me.
“How are you holding up, sis?” he asks, picking up my hand and holding it in his.
“Well I feel like an ass, I’m pretty sure the man I’m in love with hates me regardless of what Irene says, I may never get to see Emma again, and Dad’s here... so, you tell me. Because right now I just want to throw up or disappear. I’m not sure which yet.” I look at my brother who gazes down at me sympathetically.
“Well disappearing isn’t an option. You already tried that once, and it didn’t turn out like you hoped. And these are new pants, so please don’t throw up.” He winks, and I lean into him and inhale the familiar scent of his Prada cologne as he wraps me in a hug that I needed desperately. I forgot what it was like to just be us with no cameras around. I forgot how much I’d relied on him my whole life, even when I thought he was being an asshole. He’s always been my brother and my biggest ally.
“I’m sorry for just leaving like that, Lo. I didn’t mean to make you worry, but I knew if I said anything, you’d hound my ass and convince me to stay.”
“You’re probably right, but I see it now. I get why you did it. You’re different; calmer-more you.” He says, pulling back and tucking me into his side.
“I’m just pissed that you drove yourself across the country and came out here with no protection or real plan. Clara, you can’t just do stuff like that. There are weirdos out there.”
“Trust me, Lo… I understand. By the way, where’s Meredith?” I ask, wondering where my little sister is.
“Palm springs, doing only god knows what.” He replies.
“By herself? She’s only nineteen!”
“Definitely not alone, but she’s just being Meredith. I’m worried about her though. I don’t want her to get herself into trouble. I think she misses you.” He says.
“I doubt that…she thinks I’m a ‘fun crusher’.” I use air quotes. My sister has been sucked so far into the Hollywood lifestyle that anything other than partying and spending sprees doesn’t register to her. To her, I’m just her boring older sister that needed to mind her own business because I’m not her mother. Or at least that is what she tells me and anyone else around that will listen.
“Yeah, she says that, but I think she secretly misses you telling her what to do. She never really had Mom around like we did when we were younger, so I think that you fill that role for her in some ways. You should call her. She’ll be a little bitch to you, but she needs you. She won’t listen to me, and Dad just lets it happen because it makes good TV.” He says, and I roll my eyes. That’s an entirely different set of drama for a different day. Just as I’m ready to respond, the judge enters the room once more, and I feel my stomach drop with anticipation.
General statements are made, and soon it’s time for the verdict, and I grip Logan’s hand tightly and feel Emily move in on my other side, looping her arm through mine in support.
The judge starts, “We have reviewed all of the facts regarding this case including testimonies made on the parent and caretaker’s behalf. We understand that the circumstances are extremely unique and it’s clearly not a cut and dry situation. So, after careful consideration, the State of Georgia orders the immediate removal of Emma Jean Alexander from her residence, and places sole temporary custody with Clara Elizabeth Scott in her permanent residence. The state stipulates that Flynn Marion Alexander will regain full custody of his daughter after seeking treatment and counseling. The child will remain in Ms. Scott’s custody until Mr. Alexander is cleared by means of psychiatric evaluations that will be performed at monthly intervals. Mr. Alexander will be granted visitation three times a week, as long as Ms. Scott and a social worker are present at the time. A social worker will be assigned to the case, and will be in touch regarding the finer details. Emma Jean Alexander must be removed within twenty-four hours. Disregarding these court orders will result in the placement of Emma Jean Alexander in a temporary residence of the state’s choosing. Do you understand the verdict?” the judge pins me with a look, and I think my legs are going to buckle beneath my weight.
“Yes, your honor.” I choke out. I’m getting Emma? I turn to find Flynn a couple rows behind me wearing a pained expression. His tear-filled eyes lock on mine and his jaw clenches before he looks back to the judge and nods.
“Remember this is only a tempor
ary solution. It is never the intent to separate children from their parents. This is only a matter of safety, not of questionable love or parenting. Good luck to you, and thank you for your service Major Alexander.” The judge sounds his gavel signaling the session is over, and stands, leaving us to our new reality.
I turn back around only to see Flynn already storming through the doors, and I excuse myself to chase after him.
“Flynn! Flynn, stop!” I plead as my heels click on the marbled floor. He stops, and even from where I’m standing I can see his shoulders heaving while he struggles to keep his emotions in check.
He slowly turns to look at me, and I almost wish he hadn’t because the combination of hurt, anger and defeat I see swimming in his eyes nearly knocks me sideways. He’s looking at me like I’m a monster. My entire body is trembling as I close the distance between us. Out of habit, I reach to comfort him, but he pulls away as if I burned him with my touch.
“Are you alright?” I ask, and I know it’s a silly question considering the circumstances.
“You should know better than to ask that. You’re a smart woman.” He bites out condescendingly, and I let him because right now I feel like it’s warranted.
“I just wasn’t sure how you wanted to handle this…” I trail off and he places a hand on his hip in frustration while the other rakes over his face and he shakes his head in disbelief.
“Well, I guess I’ll pick up Emma, and bring her to your house. I’ll bring the essentials and you can figure out when to come grab the rest of your shit this week while I’m at work.”
I feel like he just dunked me in ice water. “Don’t do that…”
“Do what? You heard the judge.”
“Be cold… you might be angry, but you aren’t a cruel person.” I say, and he just continues to level me with the anger I feel rolling off of him.
“What does this mean for us?” I ask. I don’t want to, but I have to even though I already know the answer. I knew the minute I looked in his eyes while I was being questioned.
“Us? God, Damn it! How can there even be an us when I can’t even look at you?!” he explodes, neither of us aware that a crowd of our friends and family have gathered and are now witnessing our demise.
“I thought you said you loved me!” I clutch at my chest, as if the action alone can force the pieces of my shattered heart back together. It’s a desperate question on my part, but I have to know.
“Fuck, Clara! I say shit… I talk a big fuckin’ game, how else would I have gotten into your pants? How could you do this to me? To Emma? How could I possibly love someone who would do this? You brought this media shit storm with you!” he gestures to where we stand, but I see it. I see the pain in his eyes, and I know he’s hurting. Like he just said… He says shit, and I know most of what he just said was in anger to hurt me- picking on my biggest insecurities. But even knowing all of that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Hell, he may not love me, but maybe… maybe one day he’ll understand why I did it – and he’ll thank me.
“That’s ok, Flynn.” I concede, still clutching at my chest; partly because it’s aching and partly because I want to reach for Flynn again and I know I can’t. “You don’t have to love me, and I understand why you’re saying this. I do. You don’t get it right now because you’re angry – I wouldn’t expect anything less. But just know regardless of how you feel about me, I love you enough for the both of us.” He holds my gaze for another moment before continuing on and walking out the glass doors. I lose sight of him as he’s engulfed by reporters, and I stumble my way to the wooden bench that lines the wall and bury my face in my hands and finally let out the painful sobs that I’ve forced down until this point.
I know it won’t matter how much time passes. There will be no forgetting or moving on- not really, because we’re fused together somewhere deep in our bones. Somewhere where no other person could ever touch.
21
FLYNN:
I push through the crowd of reporters, fighting my way past them and ignoring the onslaught of questions and flashes. It is a divine miracle that I make it to my truck without assaulting someone. I make it a few miles out into the country before I have to pull over. My feet hit the gravel as I hop out and fall to my knees finally letting out the awful feeling that is eating away at my insides.
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!” I roar into the summer air, and I cry. I fucking cry like the coward I am, because it’s my fault and I know it as sure as I know that the sun rises and sets each day.
This is all my fault, and instead of manning up like Clara asked me to do countless times, I let it get out of control and now I’ve lost everything I love, including Clara. Yeah, I love her-more than I ever thought I was capable of. I don’t know why I told her I didn’t. It was a dick move, and now the crushed look that I put on her face will be another memory that torments me. I’m just so pissed. We were supposed to be in this together, and I don’t know at this point if I’m angrier with her or myself. If I had to pick, I’d say myself, but it’s easier to blame her than look in the mirror like Logan said and accept that I’m the fucking problem here.
I wipe my eyes with my bruised and swollen hands and climb back into my truck and head to pick up my little girl. I don’t know how I’m going to let her go… I don’t know how I’m going to let them go. My house was finally a home again, and it had nothing to do with the things it held inside. It was the people and the love that was barely contained within the walls. How am I going to get better when everything that’s keeping me sane is being taken from me?
***
Lorna meets me on the front porch of her ranch style house, holding Emma in her arms. When my daughter sees me, her face lights up in a toothless smile, and I almost lose it all over again.
“I’m so sorry, Flynn. Maggie called me and told me what happened.” She says, and I just wish she’d spare me her sympathy. I did this to myself. I let it get this far; Clara just drove the final nail into my coffin.
“Yeah, thanks.” I take Emma from her arms and bury my face in her sweet baby scent as she wiggles and kicks.
“It’s going to be ok, Flynn. Emma will be fine with Clara for a little bit while you take care of yourself.” She says, resting her hand on my shoulder.
I know she’s right, not that it makes any of this easier. The only reason that I’ve been as agreeable as I have, and haven’t already taken Emma and disappeared is because I know she’ll be with someone who loves her almost, if not as much as I do. I just worry about their safety with Darren still nowhere to be found. I may be pissed off beyond belief, but don’t think for a second that I’m letting them far out of my sight.
I pull Emma from her carrier in the truck and head into my house. Evidence of Clara and her absence assault me as I walk through my house and climb the stairs to my bedroom. I lay Emma in the center of the bed and curl up next to her. I don’t know how to do this. I turn my face into the covers, but immediately regret doing so because all I can smell is Clara, and it just deepens the hole that is growing in my aching chest.
“Baby girl, you’re going to have to leave home for a little bit, but don’t worry. Daddy’s going to do everything to get you back where you belong as soon as he can. I love you so much Emma Jean. You be good for Clara, and you take care of each other, ok? Daddy needs to get better so he can take care of you both like he should have done a long time ago. I’m sorry, baby angel.” I kiss her little cheeks and pick her up, snuggling her into my chest as I roll off the bed and head to her room to pack her little pink duffel bag. I put her in her swing to buy me a few minutes while I pack bags for both her and Clara.
I carry the swing into the master with me and stare at Clara’s open Louis Vuitton luggage that I pulled from the back of the closet. I never anticipated needing it so soon, because in the back of my mind I always envisioned the next time she’d need it would be for a romantic weekend away, a family trip to Disney, or our honeymoon someday… I was going to marry that woman, but after t
oday, I don’t think things will ever be the same as they were before. She’ll never be able to forgive the things I said.
I sort through the clothes in the closet, and pull off an assortment of things that I see her wear regularly, then go to the dresser and pack her some undergarments and pajamas. I almost think better of my decision, but grab a couple of my t-shirts that she likes wearing to bed and toss them in her bag, as well. I don’t know why I do it other than the fact that even though I’m beyond angry, the biggest part of me wants her to have something from home. Because this is her home, or at least it was, now it’s just a house with four walls and a bitter and broken man that lives inside them.
After loading up my truck with anything that they could possibly need, I load Emma up, and make the familiar drive to Clara’s. When I arrive, it is near dark and I see a fancy ass rental car in the driveway. I assume that it has to be either her father or brother because Emily isn’t quite that ostentatious, and while I hate the fact that she’s got to deal with all this shit at once, she’s so much like me. She put off facing her father and dealing with the heavy shit for far too long, and now it’s come full circle. Funny how karma is such a bitch sometimes.
I grab Emma from her seat and scale the steps to ring the doorbell. I don’t know how she’s going to handle being back in this house after everything that has happened, but I made sure everything is just as it was. Obviously, some of her personal belongings were lost, and the furniture isn’t exactly the same, but I did my best. There are footsteps on the other side of the door, and then it opens to perfectly coiffed Logan who is still dressed in a suit. I swear this guy needs to get his fucking hands dirty.
“Not cool, man.” He says in greeting, glaring at me.
“What?”
“You fucked up, Flynn. Clara’s fucking devastated, and you pull that shit. We had to call an ambulance because we couldn’t get her calmed down. She had a panic attack and couldn’t breathe.” He says quietly. The news he’s sharing guts me even more as he steps out onto the porch, closing the door behind him.