by Sarah Cole
“Is she alright now?” I ask.
“Do you really care?”
“Of course, I care Logan.” I say, and I hate it. I hate that I’m mad at her still, but I’m only mad because she was right and I look like an ass. And I hate that I love her so much it feels like a part of me is missing knowing she probably wants nothing to do with me after today despite what she said earlier.
“Well, it didn’t really seem that way earlier. You treated her like gutter trash. She just wanted to do the right thing, and you’re punishing her for it. You should be worshiping the ground she walks on because God knows she deserves it. Someone would have taken notice of your symptoms sooner or later, and where would Emma be if you didn’t have Clara?” he’s whisper yelling, no doubt so Clara doesn’t hear. I don’t answer him, instead just hug Emma closer to me.
“Exactly. So, if you love my sister at all, even just a little bit… get yourself together, and man the fuck up. She’s a good woman, and she’s had enough shitty examples of men in her life, me included. Don’t you let her down too.” He turns and opens the door, gesturing for me to go first.
I step across the threshold and from where I’m standing I can see through the doorway to the kitchen where Clara sits at the countertop head in hands and a glass of wine in front of her, and Emily is rubbing her back.
CLARA:
I hear the doorbell ring, but I don’t bother to get up already hearing my brother’s footsteps pounding down the wooden stairs. It’s probably my father anyways. He had some work to do from the hotel, but he said he’d bring some dinner by later so we could talk. I’d rather not, but apparently today is the day for doing things you’d rather not do, so just lay it on me.
“You haven’t touched your wine at all. It will help relax you.” Emily offers.
“I don’t want it. Flynn’s supposed to be bringing Emma over, and I’m tired enough as it is. I need to be able to get up with her if she needs me.” I say placing my head in my hands, wishing everything would just go back to how it was.
“You know I will be here to help until tomorrow evening, so you can get some rest. Do you think you can handle all of this?”
“I don’t know.” I say honestly, not looking up. “I will do anything and everything for Emma, but I’m terrified. I never thought I’d have to do this alone.”
I hear the front door latch and only when I hear two sets of footsteps do I look up. My eyes lock on Flynn’s blue gaze and I think I see a flicker of concern before it’s wiped clean and replaced with a cool mask of indifference.
“Will you hold her while I unload the truck?” he asks, his voice eerily calm and devoid of emotion.
“Yeah… come here sweet girl.” I say holding out my hands as he passes her over as we’ve done thousands of times before, except this time there isn’t any laughter, or tickling or funny sounds. There’s no love.
Emily gushes over Emma and how much she’s grown in the past few weeks since she’s been away, and poor Logan looks absolutely terrified of her.
“She doesn’t bite, ya know? She doesn’t even have any teefers yet.” I say in a baby voice, holding her up for Logan and she starts babbling. He cracks a smile, and tickles her cheek.
“She’s pretty cute.” He says.
“Prettiest girl in the whole world.” I say, turning her around so I can blow a raspberry on her tummy like she likes, and she giggles.
“Sorry to interrupt playtime, but I should get going since I’m apparently not safe for Emma to be around.” I hear Flynn’s voice from the kitchen doorway, and I shoot him a glare. Now he’s just being a jerk.
“Clara, can you come here for a second?” he asks, motioning towards the front door.
Once we get to the door, I see a heap of stuff. My suitcases, the pink monogrammed duffel bag I got Emma, portable crib, bouncer, swing, changing pad, diapers, everything. He motions for me to hand Emma over and I do as he cuddles her close, and my heart breaks for him. I know how much he loves her, and I never wanted this to happen. I wanted him to get help before it did…
“I think you should have everything you need. You can come by Monday when I’m at work and get whatever else you need. The social worker left me a voicemail and said the first visitation is Wednesday at five at my place, and apparently my first shrink appointment is Tuesday morning. Just thought you should know.” He shrugs, like this isn’t affecting him.
“Yeah, I talked to the social worker earlier. They work pretty quickly it seems. This isn’t forever-”
“Damn right it isn’t.” He harshly cuts me off before I can finish the sentence.
“Ok, then…” I say, raising my eyebrows in sarcasm.
“Be sure to turn on the security system. The new one I had installed is just like the one at home – my home.” He corrects himself. “Just want to be sure Emma’s safe.”
“Of course. I’ll protect her with my life, Flynn. I love her, and I will take care of her for you.” I say, hoping it eases some of his worry.
“I know, Clara.” He replies, lowering his lips to Emma’s forehead.
“Daddy’s going to miss you so much, Emma Jean. I love you, be good for Clara, and remember what we talked about earlier… ok?” he talks quietly to her, holding her close, and I feel the hot, wet tears fall down my cheeks once more. He finishes saying good bye and hands her to me without a word, and shuts the door behind him.
***
The doorbell rings, and I cringe as I run on tiptoes to the door. I just got Emma to sleep up in my room. It took her forever since it’s a new place, so now Emily, Landon and I are just watching TV in the family room.
I check the peephole only to see my father standing on the front steps looking completely out of place. It’s a funny thought considering this is the house he was born and raised in, his growth chart marring the same doorframe upstairs as mine is.
“It’s kind of late.” I say opening the door. It’s after ten o’clock, but he holds up a white paper bag from Mae’s and a carrier with milkshakes in the other.
“I brought Mae’s.” he says with a porcelain smile.
“Then I guess I’ll let you in, but you have to be quiet because Emma’s upstairs sleeping.” He uses his free fingers to zip his mouth shut, and I want to roll my eyes knowing that nothing could make my father shut his mouth if he doesn’t want to.
I watch him as he soaks in all of the details of the house, the new and the old, and his eyes fall back to me.
“They did a good job with this place. Modern, but still kept the original features, which is good for resale.” He says. Of course, he’s always thinking in terms of money.
“Yeah, don’t plan on reselling it anytime soon, but I like it. My best memories are in this house.” I say pulling out a stool for him, as I round the island to the refrigerator to grab some ketchup. I see that his face falls a little with my comment, but sometimes the truth hurts. I think we all learned that today.
“I’m sorry, Clara.” He says, softly.
“For?” I prompt. I know I’m being cold to him, but I tried for over half my life with him, and didn’t get anything in return. There comes a point when you just have to turn the warmth off before you burn through all the resources you have.
“Too many things to list, so we’ll just start with a blanket, everything apology, then move on to today. It’s my fault.” He says, putting down his burger as his eyes drift to Logan who walks to the fridge and grabs one of the beers he brought over. He twists the top off and leans against the cabinet, like he’s just here for the show. I can’t say I blame him. It’s taken me nearly twenty-six years to get an apology of any sort from this man, so you have to take what you can get, even if the apology isn’t meant for you.
“I don’t understand. Out of all the shit you’ve done, I don’t see how today is your fault or has anything to do with you.” I hedge.
“Because if it wasn’t for my meddling, the press wouldn’t have known where to find you in the first place.” He confe
sses, but I’m still confused.
“What do you mean? I know Logan didn’t tell you where I was, and even he didn’t know where to find me until recently.”
“It wasn’t that hard to figure it out. I know you better than you think I do, and I figured this would be where you’d turn. You always loved it here when you were a little girl.” He sighs, picking at his food.
“What did you do?” I ask, knowing there is more to his story.
“I wanted you to come home. I was selfish in thinking that if I hired someone to give you a hard time and scare you a bit, set the reporters on your case, and stir up drama you’d come home to what you know… where you have a support system to deal with that sort of thing. I’m sorry. I underestimated you, and after seeing everything that started happening to you, it made me think about what is really important. All I ever wanted was to build a life for my family and make a name for myself so I could give you guys opportunities I never would have gotten, but when your own children run away from you to find happiness, it made me wonder what the hell I’ve been doing… I don’t know what we’re going to do about Meredith, but you two have solid heads on your shoulders and I want to salvage some of the love in this family.” he looks between Logan and I, but my brain is still hung up on one of the details.
“What do you mean you hired someone to give me a hard time?”
His eyes flicker to mine, and his brows furrow. “I – this guy came around looking for work in security for the family. He was ex- army, and so I gave him some work…asked him if he-”
“Wait!” I interrupt him, “Was that guy by any chance Darren Woods?” I ask.
“Yeah, that sounds right.” He says scratching his head, and my eyes go wide as I look to my brother. I told him the whole story, and the fact that we found out who that guy was all those years ago. We just hadn’t pieced together how everything was connected, but now I know.
After it registers what my dad is saying, Logan explodes, crossing the room and grabbing my father by his collared shirt and shoving him back into the wall of cabinets.
“You fucking son of a bitch! You almost got your own daughter killed!” Logan rages.
My father stutters, clearly surprised by Logan’s outburst since he’s usually cool as a cucumber.
“What?!” he chokes over my brother’s arm that has him pinned by the throat.
“That’s the same mother fucker that we told you about years ago, but you wouldn’t fucking listen to us. He tried to kill her then and you swept it under the rug. He disappeared but then he came back snooping around and you offered her up to the psycho. He came here pulling the same shit and tried to fucking burn her alive in this house… then he came back to finish the job!” Logan bellows, and I try to shush him since Emma’s upstairs sleeping, but it falls on deaf ears.
“God, Dad! You’re a smart man, but sometimes you can be so ignorant. You’re so blinded by your own greed that you don’t stop and think for a single second about how what you do can affect someone else!”
“I’m sorry, son.” He sputters, his face beet red from lack of air.
“Lo, ease up.” I say, tugging at his arm. As pissed as I am, I don’t need the cops being called because someone tried to kill someone in my house. I hear a noise behind me and see Emily standing there with wide eyes at the scene in front of her. She silently asks me if I’m ok and all I can offer is a shrug because I honestly don’t know. I’m at the end of my rope, and I don’t know how much further I have until I hit the bottom of the hole.
“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to your daughter…the one that almost died because of your selfishness.” He spits, and my father’s eyes fall on me. Whether they’re watering from being choked, or if he’s going to cry I am not sure, but either way it’s sobering. He gives my brother a look that I’ve seen countless times. The one that says, ‘we’ll talk later about our issues.’
My father takes a few steps pulling me into his arms, and holding me tightly, and it’s such a foreign feeling, but one that most people take for granted. I realize how lucky Emma is to have Flynn as a father, because there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that he would never let her down in all the ways my father has me over the years. I was lucky to have him too, if only for a moment. My arms eventually find their way around my father when he doesn’t let go, and it’s only then that I find he’s crying.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I don’t know what I would’ve done. We’ll find him. I’ll find him, and he’ll pay. I’ll make sure of it.” he says in broken sentences and I cast a concerned look at my brother who’s still looking more than just a little pissed off.
“Why don’t we sit down and talk?” I offer, as I awkwardly pat his back. I’m definitely not used to my father being touchy feely, let alone emotional so this is new territory.
“Now, what do you know about Darren? Have you talked to him recently? We need to go to the cops because we lost track of him after the last incident and haven’t been able to locate him since.”
Dad shakes his head, “He fell off the grid about six or seven weeks ago, and the address in LA he gave was just temporary. I haven’t had any contact with him since I wired money to his account. I had Gary check, and that account is closed now. I should have paid more attention…”
If he’s looking for forgiveness on this, he’s not going to find it here. If he’s being genuine regarding the other things, we may be able to work it out over time, but it isn’t going to happen overnight.
“I’ll make this right. Clara, again… we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe not at this exact point in time, but what you did still doesn’t change the fact that Flynn needs help. It was a shitty thing to do, but there’s a little bit of blame to go around.”
“I’ve been such a shitty father to you guys. I don’t think any number of apologies will erase that, but for what it’s worth, I’m going to do my best going forward to fix that. You guys lost your mother too early, and that’s my fault too.” he starts, and I see Logan move out of the corner of my eye, as he strides to the French doors and strolls through, slamming them behind him. I turn back to my father who sighs, and continues, “He’s angry with me. He’s been angry with me for almost fifteen years, so I don’t expect it to change overnight. There’s a lot you don’t know, sweetheart, and I’ll fill in all the details someday. But right now you need to focus on you, and that little girl upstairs. Just know I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m your father, and despite what you might have thought I always loved you. I just wasn’t sure how to show it, and now I hope it isn’t too late because I’ll spend the rest of whatever time I have left, trying to make it up to you kids. Now I’ll get out of your hair, but I’d like to see you again before I have to leave tomorrow night.”
I nod, still processing everything he just said. He stands and kisses my head before letting himself out the back door that Logan just left through. Only a few moments pass before I hear their angry voices having it out, but I don’t even try to break it up. That’s their mess work out whatever it is, and I’ve got enough problems of my own to sort through.
22
FLYNN:
Their absence weighs heavily on me as I lay in my empty bed and watch the sun come up through the window. I wasn’t able to sleep at all. Every time I’d close my eyes, Clara’s swollen, tear stained face would assault me. And every time I’d roll over, I’d catch a hint of her perfume or shampoo on my pillow. I spent the rest of the night wondering how Emma was doing in an unfamiliar place, or if Clara thought to enable the alarm, or wondering if she’d call me if she needed anything, but why would she? I told her that I didn’t love her that that I was basically just trying to get into her pants. I still have no idea why the fuck I did that, or why I didn’t apologize last night when I saw how much she was hurting. One word - pride. And she’s a bitch.
Any attempt at sleep is futile at this point, and I decide to go for a ru
n, hoping it will calm my jangled nerves. I pull on a pair of shorts and my running shoes and head out the door as I take off down my driveway. I pound the pavement with my feet until I feel like my lungs won’t work; only then, do I turn around and head back home with a new sense of purpose. As the miles wore on, the answers became clearer and clearer to me. Clara did the right thing by my daughter, like she always does, and she was trying to help me. I see that now, and I’m embarrassed that I need help, but I’m more embarrassed by the way I treated her. I love that woman with my entire heart and soul, and my dad would roll over in his grave if that’s the way I showed it.
I may not be able to get my girls back under my roof yet, but I will. First I need to apologize to Clara, and find a way to prove to her just how much she means to me. I don’t deserve Emma or Clara, but damn it, I’m going to fight every day until I do because I don’t think I can live a life that doesn’t include Clara and her love. I slow my pace to cool down as I hit my long driveway, and I see Clara’s father sitting on my porch step looking a little worse for the wear. He rises to his feet when he hears me approaching.
“Mr. Scott.” I greet, slightly winded.
“Please, call me Quentin.” He holds out his hand for me to shake, and for a moment I think about leaving him hanging. But it is Clara’s father and regardless if they have a good relationship or not, I still plan on following tradition and asking for her hand one day soon, so I take it reluctantly.
“What can I do for you, Quentin?” I ask.
“I just wanted to talk with you. I didn’t get to formally introduce myself to you yesterday, and it didn’t really seem appropriate given the situation. I knew your parents once upon a time. I’m sorry to hear of their passing.”
“Thank you. Would you like to come inside?” I ask.
“Would it be awful if I asked to stay out here? It seems like I’m indoors ninety-nine percent of time, and it is good to be able to breathe a little bit.” He chuckles.