Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  She looked up at the second-floor window of the townhouse and saw the blinds swaying. “Shit,” she said, hoping to slip into the house unnoticed. She wasn’t in the mood for a lecture laced with ‘I told you so.'

  Her eyes found the darkened storefront window and she stared almost through it and into her past remembering when she worked for her sister on weeknights and weekends as a receptionist. Joni needed to keep expenses down, it was hard to maintain the household bills plus Catholic School tuition, so when Jackie was fourteen she was recruited. There were times when Jackie resented having to work every weekend and she blamed her sister for ruining her social life. But the work ethic that was instilled in her is what gave her the drive to become the successful lawyer she was until Suzanne Brooks came into her life. Jackie quickly shook the memory of Suzanne from her head, she couldn’t handle the thoughts of the mess her life was in at the moment. It was Sunday and Madam Drina’s Psychic Visions was closed and Jackie knew her sister, who she hadn’t seen in four years, was waiting for her. Jackie sighed as she walked the few feet from the curb to the front door, but before she could walk towards the door, it flew open.

  “Oh my gosh, you look like death warmed over.”

  “Nice to see you too, Joni,” Jackie said as she rolled her eyes.

  “Come here baby sis and give me a hug.”

  Jackie wanted to fall into her older sister’s arms and cry her eyes out, but that would just start the lectures sooner and she was too exhausted to hear it.

  “Let’s go inside; you look worn out,” Joni said as she ushered her sister inside.

  It was all Jackie could do to climb the flight of stairs of the three-story walk-up. The first floor was converted into Joni’s psychic shop when Jackie was just a kid. Joni was in her third year at NYU and just about twenty-two when their parents were killed in a car accident on the Queensboro Bridge, leaving her the responsibility of caring for her much younger sister. They really had no other family to speak of, none that wanted to step up anyway. So Joni quit school and took on the role of mother and father to Jackie and subsequently her own life was put on hold to raise her sister and give her the best life she could.

  Once in the living-room Jackie tossed her duffle bag on the floor and plopped down onto the couch. “What smells so good?” she yelled out after seeing Joni disappear in the kitchen. “Oh shit, is that mom’s chicken noodle soup.”

  Joni reappeared with a tray that was donned by two large soup bowls and loaf of Italian bread and placed it on the small dinette table. “Yes it is, come on; you must be hungry.”

  “You have no idea. Is it the rolled out, fat noodles?” Jackie asked as she pushed her tired and aching body from the couch.

  “Of course,” Joni said as she gestured to the chair when Jackie approached the table.

  “You are awesome!” When she sat down, she noticed the bread, “Is this Zanetti's bread?”

  Joni smiled as she sliced through it.

  “Thanks Joni, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “You’d be homeless for starters.”

  Jackie rolled her eyes as she slathered butter on a thick slice of bread and dunked it into the steaming bowl of soup. She knew she would eventually have to hear it, but she didn’t want it to be tonight. But it didn’t matter what she wanted, Joni was in ‘mom’ mode and Jackie knew the lecture would be coming soon enough. Since the age of seven when her parents were killed, Joni was for all intents and purposes her mother; she was the one that raised her, clothed her, fed her, made sure she did her homework and made sure she didn’t break curfew…at least not too often, and Jackie was thankful for the mother that Joni was to her.

  Quickly changing the subject, she said, “So, how’s business been?”

  Joni looked up from her bowl of soup with a questioning gaze, “Good, you know I’m booked through the summer.”

  “That’s great,” Jackie said through a mouthful of noodles.

  “You know I can see right through your thin veneer,” Joni said with a smirk. Joni always had second sight, a gift of perception. She just knew things and could read people like their thoughts were displayed on a deli board across their foreheads. Jackie thought it was always creepy the way Joni would shout out, “tell him to call back” a second before the phone even began to ring. And when questioned, she would always say she just knew. This also became a huge hindrance for Jackie during her teen years because since Joni knew everything, she couldn’t get away with anything.

  “Joni, please don’t psychobabble me tonight.”

  “Really, psychobabble? You didn’t complain about my abilities when I put you through law school. And it wasn’t just any law school. Noooo, you had to go to Harvard Law School.”

  Jackie winced at the accusation, “You know I was grateful, I was going to pay you back.”

  “Humph, pay me back. I never asked you to and you know that.”

  “I would rather pay you back than have you hold it over my head and throw it in my face on a constant basis.”

  “Really…is that what I do? I thought raising you gave me few allowances and one of them would be to tell you when you are being an ass.”

  “Here it comes,” Jackie said in an irritated tone as she tossed her spoon down on the table.

  “I know you don’t want to hear this right now…”

  “You’re right, I don’t. I’m exhausted, so can’t we just let it keep until the morning?”

  “Well Sweetie, this is as good a time as any…and it bears saying.”

  “Fine,” Jackie said as she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.”

  “Let me see if I can remember this correctly…you were on the fast track to becoming a junior partner at Stash, Logan, and Merriweather. You told me they were grooming you to eventually be a named partner and you just chucked it for a pretty piece of ass. What the hell were you thinking? Wait…you certainly weren’t thinking about yourself that’s for sure.”

  “Joni, I’ve always appreciated everything you’ve done for me, the sacrifices you made for me. I know it was hard after mom and dad were killed and I was no picnic for you. But I fell in love, so in love and I truly believed she was the one. So yes, I quit my job and followed her to South Carolina. I didn’t anticipate that I wouldn’t find a job in law down there, it was almost like I was blackballed or something. But it didn’t matter that I was working on the ship docks, I had a job and I was living with the love of my life.”

  “Then please tell me this…why did you have to follow her if the two of you were so in love, why didn’t she give up her job and move here to be with you? Hell, she was working at their sister firm and probably could have stayed on full time here.” Joni paused as she regarded the woman sitting across from her like a child, with her arms crossed and her head turned looking at the wall. “Could you at least do me the courtesy of looking at me when I’m talking to you?”

  When Jackie turned her head to meet her sister’s piercing stare she continued, “You wanna know why that didn’t happen? Don’t roll your eyes at me… It didn’t happen because she wanted the control, she wanted you to follow her around like a puppy, to do as she commanded, to bend to her every whim…she wanted a puppet, and you were oh so willing to tie on the strings.”

  Tears began to well up in Jackie’s eyes. A year ago she and Suzanne had the same argument. It was the truth, all of it; but she felt like a fool to admit it. “You’re right, I was a fool. But it is something I can’t change and quite frankly, I don’t need this shit right now. I’ve had my heart busted into pieces and I just got home from a long and hard ride. My face is still stinging from the wind. But what I can tell you is that all I can do is try and rebuild my life in New York where I belong.”

  “I know Jack…I’m so sorry.” Joni stood from the table and began to clear the dishes. “Why don’t you get a shower, you have some bugs sticking out of your hair.”

  Jackie felt completely grubby, her hair thick with dirt and the s
kin on her face chapped from hours of being windblown. “I may need to wash my hair five times before it will feel clean.”

  “I got the shampoo and body wash you like…oh, and I got you a loofa to scrub off the stench of the highway. You smell like exhaust and diesel fuel.”

  After forty-five minutes of scrubbing and re-scrubbing, Jackie finally emerged from her hot shower dressed in a tank top and her girl-boxers.

  “Well, you look a bit better.”

  “Thanks,” Jackie said wearily. It was nearing midnight and she needed sleep, but she missed her sister and wanted to spend a little more time with her since tomorrow started the work week and she wouldn’t see much of her then.

  “Oh, Suzanne called while you were in the shower.”

  Jackie’s stomach did a flip-flop just at the mere mention of her name. “What did she want?” her was voice flat.

  “Just to make sure you got here safe since you weren’t answering her texts.” Joni sat at the other end of the couch and patted her lap.

  “Don’t you think I’m a bit old for that?”

  “Never too old for consoling, Sweetie.”

  Jackie placed her head in Joni’s lap as the tears began to stream down her face. “Did she say anything else?”

  Joni’s face turned solemn as she sighed, “No she didn’t. She just said ‘thanks’ and hung up. I’m sorry.”

  “Me too,” Jackie whispered as her chin began to quiver. She couldn’t hold it back any longer and the floodgates opened as she sobbed loudly.

  The next morning Jackie read through the texts from Suzanne while she was still sequestered in her bed, just not ready to get up and face the world, not yet.

  The first text was sent only thirty minutes after she left saying ‘I’m sorry,' the next four were the same variation of ‘text me and let me know you’ll alright.' She studied the time of each one and wondered how they corresponded with the times she pulled off the road for a brief stop. Jackie’s eyes flew open wide, “Bitch…that’s how she knew when I got here.”

  Without thinking, she tapped the screen of her Galaxy and the phone began to dial Suzanne’s number, but before she could end the call thinking it was a dumb idea; Suzanne picked up on the second ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Really…‘hello?’ Did you remove me from your contacts already?”

  “Jackie, how…how are you?”

  “How do you think?”

  There was a brief silence, “I’m glad you got to New York safely.”

  Jackie let out a cocky snort, “Yeah, about that…how did you know I was here?”

  “I did the math; it’s a twelve-hour drive.”

  “Bullshit Suzanne, you have some kind of GPS app on your phone that is tied to mine somehow, don’t you?”

  “Yes…but I just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay, that’s all.”

  Jackie shook her head and pinched her eyes tight trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. The question she mulled over in her head the entire ride to New York, the question she never asked, and the question she meant to keep silent came out in a whisper. “Did you ever love me?”

  The silence that befell after the Elephant in the room was identified was deafening. Jackie figured that the silence was the answer to her question. No, Suzanne didn’t love her. “Well, I guess I have my answer. I’ll leave you alone now.”

  “Wait…Jack. I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you, and yes I did love you for a while.”

  “A while?” Jackie half laughed.

  “New York was fun and I was definitely smitten, but when you told me you loved me the day I was going back to Charleston…I admit I was blown away. It had only been three months, and I was enjoying you…us; the idea of us and I was definitely in like with you; but I wasn’t ready for a relationship, especially a long-distance one. So when I suggested you quit the firm and come home with me, I never thought you would do it in a million years. So when you quit your job and showed up at my hotel room with a bag and a boarding pass, I figured what the hell. If this girl was going to give up everything for me, I might as well give it go. Maybe it will be something.”

  Jackie pushed the tears from her cheeks, “When did you stop loving me?”

  There was an audible sigh into the phone and Jackie knew Suzanne was annoyed by her display of emotion and asking so many questions, but she needed to know. She needed closure, after all, she gave up everything for Suzanne, so she at least deserved the truth.

  “I should have ended it two years ago when you proposed. I wasn’t in love with you; I’m not sure I ever was. I was already seeing Stacey at the time.”

  “Stacey Monroe, my bike club sponsor?”

  “Yes.”

  “That fucking bitch!” Jackie’s tears stopped flowing as her face turned scarlet red with anger. “How many more of my friends did you fuck? Who in between Stacey and Nancy whom you’re fucking now.” She shook her head to rid the images of catching her best friend in bed with her girlfriend.

  “Let’s not talk about that; it won’t lend any merit to the situation. I am not into monogamy or the whole ‘love’ thing and I don’t want to be tied down. I’m sorry, Jackie. I really am. You are a wonderful person, kind and sweet, charming, funny…oh, and hot; but it was just an affair that should have ended when I came back home. I shouldn’t have brought a stray with me.”

  Jackie was blown away; she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. That she gave up her career, her home and everything else for a woman that kept her around because she felt sorry for her. “Well, I appreciate your honesty.”

  “Look Jack, you deserve someone to love you the way you should be loved. But it’s not me.”

  Jackie sat up on the end of her bed, her gut felt like it had been punched and her heart felt like it had been through a grinder. After hearing all that she did, she was pissed off for being played the fool but mostly pissed at herself for still loving Suzanne Brooks.

  After she had ended the call, Jackie left her bedroom and walked into the kitchen where she smelled coffee. “Oh thank you, sis,” she said as she poured herself a cup.

  She spotted a white bakery box on the dinette table and was instantly drawn to it; she hoped Joni went out early and brought back some donuts and pastries.

  Sure enough when she opened the box, it was filled with an assortment of Italian goodies from Zanetti's Bakery. Something she missed terribly since she was away for four years. Then she saw a note lying next to the box. She picked it up and began reading it as she bit into the semi-warm cruller.

  Jackie,

  No sense in wallowing in self-pity. Here is the number to a dog walking agency. The owner is a friend of mine and is doing me a huge favor. And before you roll your eyes and think this is beneath you…dog walkers make about $200.00 a week and that is $200 more than you are currently making. So while you try to resurrect your dead career in law, this will be a nice, stress-free way to enjoy companionship and the outdoors. So call Tony this morning, he’ll be waiting for you to reach out.

  PS – I have a couple of late sessions, so order a pizza or something for dinner.

  Love ya, Joni

  “Really…dog walking,” Jackie sighed loudly and began to call the number on the note.

  Chapter 4

  Jill walked into her new home with a firm grip on her handbag. After clearing out the safety deposit box of the money she had stashed for a rainy day and selling all the jewelry Bill had ever bought her, including her wedding rings; she was holding nearly a hundred thousand dollars in cash. But life in New York City was expensive. Even though the condo was owned outright, she would still be responsible for condo fees and all other living expenses, and without an income Jill knew the money wouldn’t last long.

  Jill toyed with the idea of selling her classic Mercedes, it was worth a good bit and the extra cash would help ease her financial restraint, and she thought a car would just be a hindrance in the city. Just driving to the condo was a nightmare in an
d of itself, she really couldn’t imagine driving the streets of New York City every day. But since everything was still up in the air, Jill tabled the ‘selling of her car’ for the time being just in case the city wasn’t a good fit for her or she was suddenly forced out of the condo by a court order. Either way, she was looking at having to tighten the purse strings. It was time to put herself on a budget, albeit, it had been awhile since she lived at her means, but she had to make this work. There was no way she wanted a dime of alimony from her cheating bastard of a husband. She was going to make this work come hell or high water.

  Since Jill had beaten the movers, she began to wander through the high-priced New York City apartment trying to avoid the memories attached when her eyes welled up. Quickly she shook her head to stop the tears from continuing as she tried to figure out why she was upset, it wasn’t like she didn’t know the marriage was doomed and headed for an end at some point. Maybe it was the fact even at forty-six years old Bill was able to have the family he always wanted and he just threw her away like yesterday’s garbage. It really burned her ass that his ability to be a parent was not limited to his age, and with his thirty-year-old wife, he could have all the kids he wanted. She just hoped he would not name his new son after him, after all, they had a son who was given the name of William James Abbott IV and it was the name he was buried with. She shrugged her shoulders as it occurred to her, that if Bill had discarded her the way he did, then it was probable he would forget or just plain ignore the fact they shared a child.

  Jill walked up to large windows in the living room which overlooked Central Park. It was a beautiful June afternoon, warm and sunny with a gentle breeze blowing through the trees. Wanting to marvel in the splendor of the elements, she opened the slider and walked out onto the patio and took a deep breath. The aroma of fresh cut grass that loomed in the air mixed with the late spring foliage was refreshing and she longed for a beer making a mental note to add it to her shopping list.