Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

“I had no idea you were gay,” Jeff blurted out… “Oh shit, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.”

  Jill scoffed, “Humph…well it is something I wasn’t really aware of either until recently. I think I was coming on a bit too strong wasn’t I?”

  Jeff laughed, “Just a bit,” he said as he held up his thumb and index finger as a visual indication.

  “Well I might have ruined my chances to ask her out…but I hope she will at least have enough sense to see that woman for what she is. I would hate to see Jackie give in to that viper.”

  “I would hope not, that woman might have been beautiful, but she was certainly transparent. Besides, I’m going to give Jackie a big promotion. Hopefully, that will be incentive enough to stay,” Jeff said smiling at his client.

  Jill signed the bill then stood from the table. She was feeling a bit deflated, especially after signing her credit card slip for a twelve hundred dollar tab. Not that she minded celebrating with her lawyers but she could have done it cheaper. Trying to show off for Miss Evans turned out to bite her in the ass. She hoped the next time she saw Jackie, she could make a better impression. To be friends at least and maybe steer her away from the clutches of that harpy named Suzanne. That woman was no good.

  Chapter 13

  “What the hell was that?” Jackie’s voice rose three decibels as she pushed Suzanne off her.

  “What was what? I’m trying to kiss you.” Suzanne pushed herself back over the console in the car trying her best to reclaim Jackie’s lips. “Come on, I saved you just like you requested.”

  “Yes…saved me from offending or fucking a client; either way it would not have gone over well with my firm.”

  “Well don’t I even get a kiss of gratitude.”

  “You are unbelievable,” Jackie said while shaking her head side to side.

  “You can tell me that after I have my way with you,” she whispered through small kisses to Jackie’s neck. “Mmm, you smell good.”

  “Suzanne, get the fuck off me,” Jackie’s voice now bearing a harsh tone. “I want to know what the hell you meant by that bullshit you said in the restaurant.”

  Suzanne sat back in the driver’s seat with a hurt look on her face, “It wasn’t bullshit, I meant it.”

  “Meant it…really? I can’t believe you. Haven’t you hurt me enough?”

  “Jack…come on. I miss you; I, I um love you.”

  Jackie began to laugh, “You ‘um’ love me? Really? All of a sudden you love me. That is a fucking lie and you know it.” She looked over at the auburn-haired woman whose gaze was directed into her lap. Then she let out a cocky grunt. “But I don’t doubt you miss me. You miss me following you around like a puppy, you miss me catering to you…what you miss, is me bending to your will to make you happy. Because what you found in those other bitches you were fucking is that they had no desire to be your doormat or be subservient to you.

  “That isn’t true,” Suzanne’s voice barely a whisper.

  “Oh yes it is, let me remind you of what you said to me,” Jackie was now fuming mad. She pulled her phone out and pulled up the texts from that morning she first was back in New York and read them aloud. Jackie was ready for Suzanne to spin the words she put in text, make it something else…another meaning; just like she always did. Jackie was fed up with her games and she was ready to jump out of the car and walk home. But when she looked up and into the teary-eyed, sullen face of her ex…she instantly became sympathetic.

  “Are you crying?” Jackie was taken aback. She had never seen Suzanne cry, not shed one tear…not even get choked up. When they would argue Jackie would always be the one in tears shouting back at her attacker who never fought fair…about how she could be so cruel and cold, even called her the Ice Queen on many occasions. But now, what she saw…was it real? Were these actual tears falling from the Ice Queen’s eyes? Jackie always wondered if she ever actually cried would the tears come in some form of ice. But there was no ice…these were actual tears and the look on Suzanne’s face was one of remorse and sorrow.

  “I’m so sorry that I hurt you Jackie. I was a fool. I want you back and I promise to be better this time.”

  The tears were coming in a steady stream and her sweet southern accent was somber and sad, and it was everything Jackie could do to keep her own tears at bay. “Where was this Suzanne a year ago…even six months ago? You fucked my best friend in my bed…and I forgave you; I was willing to look past it because I was so in love with you. But you had to rip the last remaining piece of my heart from my chest, torch it and hand me back the ashes along with my walking papers. And now…now you want me just to be okay with all that; just go back to you, to South Carolina where you rule the roost,” Jackie shook her head and let out a cocky grunt, “No fucking way. I’m happy with my life here, I am back on track.”

  “I’ll move here. Please Baby, just give me a chance to make it right this time…I promise to make you happy.” Suzanne mumbled through her tears.

  “You’ll what? Move here. Are you fucking kidding me?” Jackie had enough booze in her that she didn’t care anymore, she was going to let out her pain and anger. She slammed her fist into the dashboard causing Suzanne to jump. “All of the fucking sudden, you’ll move here…well isn’t that convenient. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you are genuine…there’s got be something else fueling this fantasy.”

  “I’m telling you the truth, I swear. When I accepted the proposal for partnership, I only did so after I got the text from you.”

  “Well there it is, the reason for your return to the Big Apple. It’s not for me, it’s about your precious fucking career…stop denying it,” Jackie’s voice had risen well beyond the decibel of yelling, she was in a full-fledged scream now.

  “The offer was always on the table, Jack. When you left I thought it was what I wanted, but it left a hole in me and I realized that I really did love you all along. I wanted to tell you, to hope maybe you would come back to me…but you told me you had a girlfriend, a job at a law firm and getting your life together. I didn’t want to disrupt that…but then when you sent the text saying you weren’t really happy; I don’t know, I called Dan Stash and took the job.”

  “Just like that, you took the job in hopes to what? Win me back with your southern charm and wiles? Oh, how romantic; the Ice Queen does have a fucking heart.”

  Suzanne felt like her chest had just been slammed with a wrecking ball and the tears flowed with the pain. “That’s not fair.”

  “Not fair…you know what’s not fair? Four fucking years of giving you everything that I was, that I had…every part of my heart, my soul and my love and it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to keep other women out of our bed and it wasn’t enough for you to love me back so spare me your hurt fucking feelings,” Jackie knew she was harsh, she was hurt and angry. Without looking at the sobbing woman to her left, she crossed her arms over her chest and with an even and calm tone said, “Take me home.”

  The car didn’t move for nearly five minutes as the driver tried to collect herself. Jackie’s resolve was about to crash down around her; it was killing her to hear Suzanne cry. She knew the pain well, she had been in Suzanne’s shoes not too long ago crying and begging for her to change her mind. But she didn’t and Jackie didn’t want to make this easy for her and give in, although she wanted to. For some strange reason, she still loved Suzanne.

  Finally, the car began to move. Jackie continued to look out of the windshield terrified to look over at the woman still sniffling. Fortunately, her cell rang giving her a reprieve.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey gorgeous. How’d your dinner go?” Casey said in a very cheery voice.

  “Okay…it certainly was interesting.”

  “Are you home now?”

  “No, on my way, though,” Jackie was finding it hard to make conversation.

  “Cab or subway?”

  “Cab.”

  “Why don’t you take a detour and come over. I’ll make us som
e cocktails and order a pizza. You can tell me all about your interesting dinner.”

  “Case, I’m sorry. Not tonight. I’m beat and had way too much to drink already. I’ll see you tomorrow at your friend's condo…okay?”

  “Oh okay. Well, yeah…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. This should be fun setting up the new lesbian and watching her squirm.”

  Jackie could hear the disappointment in Casey’s voice, but she couldn’t bring herself to go over there when her mind was processing all Suzanne had confessed. She would not have been good company. “Yeah, it certainly will be funny to see her fumble all over herself. Look, the cab is about to pull up. I’ll text ya tomorrow.”

  “In the morning?”

  “Sure,” Jackie could barely keep it together as it all began to sink into her drunken brain. And her voice cracked.

  “Have a good night.”

  Jackie smiled slightly, “You too. Bye.”

  “Cab huh?” Suzanne’s tone nearly a whisper.

  “What the hell was I gonna say? My ex is driving my drunk ass home, oh and wait…has professed her love to me.”

  “Jackie…please don’t go, don’t leave it like this.”

  “I can’t do this again. I just can’t…you destroyed me. I don’t think you really know the magnitude of that statement. You fucking ripped my heart out. How could I ever trust you again?”

  Suzanne’s hand shook while it stroked Jackie’s blonde hair while tears continued to stream down her face, “I do know and I’m so sorry. I’ll do whatever it takes…please Baby.”

  Jackie turned to look at her, chin quivering and eyes pleading she reached to touch her face but quickly retracted her hand. “I can’t do this.” She mumbled as she pushed her way out of Suzanne’s rental.

  “Wait, Jackie….wait!” Suzanne opened her door and quickly exited the vehicle and closed the distance to the woman practically running from her. “Jackie…wait. Please!” Her voice filled with panic and desperation.

  “Suzanne get back in the car.” Jackie turned around just in time to receive a full on tackle nearly knocking her to the ground. “Stop…get it together,” she said as she tried to push the hysterical woman off her. Then the light from the top floor caught her eye and she could see Joni staring out the window at the drama induced exchange. “Great!” she mumbled cringing at the fact that Joni would surely be giving her the ‘Are you out of your mind speech.’

  Finally she got a hold of Suzanne’s wrists and pushed her back, “Suzanne, stop. Please give me a minute to deal with this. I need to think.”

  A small smile appeared on Suzanne’s lips, “Does that mean you’ll give me another chance?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’ll take it. Will you still come see me after your dinner party tomorrow night?” The look on Suzanne’s face was hopeful.”

  “I need to figure this out. I don’t know.”

  “Can I call you?” Suzanne pulled her into another hug and whispered in her ear, “I’ll wait for you.” Then she kissed her and this time Jackie didn’t pull away.

  Jackie stood there stunned from what had transpired as she watched Suzanne pull away. She couldn’t believe Suzanne had said all those things…begged her, clung to her in desperation, she was just flabbergasted. She looked up at the window again seeing the concerned look on her sister’s face then slowly turned around and opened her front door.

  Jackie was overwhelmed with emotion as she climbed the steps to the main living area; everything from disbelief to anger, but most of all she felt numb and the amount of alcohol in her system at that moment wasn’t helpful. She knew when she walked through the front door Joni would be waiting there with her arms crossed or firmly gripping her hips, tapping her foot and ready to begin the yelling. Jackie couldn’t deal with her sister’s anger or disappointment right now, she needed something to make the voices in her head stop…booze, sleep or a bullet; something, anything to get her head to shut up.

  When she opened the door, Joni was standing just a couple feet away as expected. But Joni didn’t yell, lecture or ask her where her head was… “Are you alright?” Joni asked.

  Jackie shook her head, she didn’t realize that the wetness on her face was her own tears and at the moment Joni reached for her sister, Jackie collapsed in her arms. “Momma,” she whispered.

  Joni knew whenever her sister called her ‘momma’ it was a sign she was in way over her head and needed help. “I’m here Sweetie…I’m here.”

  Joni’s brain tried to figure out what went on to have her sister so broken as she held Jackie close while she cried it out.

  When Jackie opened her eyes the next morning, she felt as if her head was going to implode. A headache concocted of a hangover and too much crying did not meld well. She was afraid to lift her head for fear of having a stroke so she decided to stay in bed and not give the day its due. As she flipped over to snuggle deeper into her pillow, Jackie saw an image in the corner of her room which caused her to sit up abruptly ignoring the throbbing which commenced.

  There was Joni, sitting in a chair in the corner of her bedroom which was used mostly as a hanger for clothes, sound asleep. Had she been there all night? Jackie had a vague recollection of the events after she came through the door last night and wasn’t even sure how she got into bed, let alone why her sister was asleep in the chair.

  “Hey…Joni,” Jackie whispered as she placed a hand on her forehead in some effort to minimize the pain.

  Joni stirred in the chair then moaned as she tried to move her neck. “Hey yourself,” she said as her eyes opened to slits. “How are you feeling?”

  Jackie dropped back down to the bed, “Like I’ve been beaten with a baseball bat.”

  “Hmm, that’s not what I meant.”

  “I know what you mean Joni and I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it.”

  “Okay, are you going into work today?”

  “Ah, I guess I better. Need to do some damage control.”

  “I won’t ask…but I would like to know what went on between you and Suzanne out front last night.”

  Jackie rolled her eyes and pulled the covers over her head, “Oh God…”

  “Come on…get up and get into the shower. The hot water and steam will help your head. I’ll make some coffee and breakfast.” Joni stood and pulled the covers off her sister, “Chop chop.”

  Jackie sat naked on the toilet lid while she waited for the water to get hot. She scrolled through the half a dozen texts from Suzanne which were sent in the early morning hours and she figured Suzanne must have been up most the night and hoped she was too.

  I didn’t want to blurt everything out last night. I wanted to tell you on Friday when you came over after your dinner party. I didn’t expect Wednesday to happen and was going to tell you when we got back to my room, but I didn’t get a chance to since you pretty much jumped me as soon as we walked through the door and later when I had the chance I lost my nerve. I was afraid you wouldn’t think I was genuine because of what happened. I’ll admit that I was lost in you…kind of reliving the excitement of our affair four years ago, but it was new too. It reconfirmed why I am here and made it truer to me than ever. I love you!

  Jackie pressed the phone against her forehead, there were several others, but she just couldn’t bring herself to read them, her emotions were tumbling all over each other and she didn’t know what she was feeling at the moment. Life was good again…it was simple and calm, something it never was with Suzanne. And now when she was doing really well on her own again with a job she loved…in walks Suzanne, that beautiful and sexy southern harlot who bewitched her once and Jackie was sure it was happening again. Even with all she had gone through in the past and all she knew now, Jackie still couldn’t stop thinking about Suzanne. How could she believe Suzanne would be true, be faithful this time? Jackie knew one thing for sure, she wasn’t ready to just fall back into those arms and re-pledge her love.

  What if she did? What if she went up that
proverbial hill without a pail and threw all caution to the wind? Then what? Wait for Suzanne to get bored with her again or cheat on her again? There was a time when Suzanne was sweet and romantic…she cast her net of charm over Jackie only to put her on a shelf. How could she trust it wouldn’t happen again?

  “Ugh!” She grunted as she stepped into the shower and let the hot water beat atop her skull.

  After the shower, Jackie didn’t feel much better, however, she was hoping some coffee and food would do the trick. After sitting at the table, she directed her attention to the cup of coffee in her hand.

  “So…” Joni finally broke the ice after getting tired of watching her sister blatantly avoid the subject by becoming mute.

  Jackie regarded her sister from her peripheral vision, “So?” she replied, stuffing a piece of toast in her mouth.

  “Don’t act stupid. What went on with Suzanne last night?”

  Jackie stopped chewing, she could barely swallow the toasted bread from the dryness that had crept up almost immediately. She put her fork down and turned slightly in her seat to face her sister. “She came back into town.”

  “Well…duh! Are you seeing her again?”

  Jackie didn’t know how to answer that, she wasn’t exactly seeing her. There was just sex the one time and a plan to possibly meet up on Friday. Then she thought about Casey and cursed silently as she shook her head to answer her sister’s question. “Um…not really, it was just a hook-up.”

  Joni’s eyebrows raised, “Was that what all the screaming and crying was about…sex?”

  “No…last night I asked her to save me from practically being raped by one of my clients. I had this feeling she wasn’t gonna take no for an answer…so I texted Suzanne to save me.”

  “Okay, so why all the raised voices and the tears.”

  Jackie sighed loudly as she closed her eyes trying her best not to allow her own tears to fall. “She said she is moving to New York and taking a partnership offer from the firm. She said she’s doing it for me, she loves me and wants me back.” When she opened her eyes, she could see a shocked look on her sister’s face. It was a rare occasion anyone could shock the clairvoyant.