Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  Casey paused for a moment regarding her friend that was now blatantly avoiding eye contact with her since there was nothing that exciting in a plate of scrambled eggs Jill was staring into. “I don’t know why you want to get it over with so badly. It’s not painful or violating or anything like it was the first time with a guy. It is sensual, soft, amazing and absolutely beautiful. You shouldn’t want to rush it just because you just don’t want to be a ‘virgin’ anymore.” Casey emphasized the word virgin with air-quotes. “You should really want it to be with someone you care about, someone you trust, someone who is going to want to share themselves with you and not just someone who wants to devour you. Look, Meredith is great. She’s sexy, beautiful and just downright hot. But she is a bit of a freak in the sack and yes she will send you careening off the cliff of ecstasy…but that is all it will be, just sex. I don’t want you to come away from something you really want to explore, just feeling used and empty.”

  What could Jill say to that? Casey was right, as much as she wanted to be with a woman in an intimate way, she wanted it to be more than just sex…more than a conquest which is what she was beginning to think Meredith was only in it for. It was true that Meredith made her nervous, excited, and hot. She made the hair stand up on the back of her neck, turn her skin into goosebumps by the slightest touch of that woman’s hands, her voice raspy whispering sweet nothings into Jill’s ear; all of it made her want it, made her crave it, but also made her terrified. Terrified to submit to Meredith’s control, as much as she wanted to learn, she also wanted it to be a shared experience, a mutual encounter; not to be pawed and torn at until she got off.

  “You’re right,” Jill said finding Casey’s eyes with her own. “She certainly is hot and leaves me breathless just from a kiss. But I’m not in love with her…frankly, I am afraid to surrender basically because I think that is what it boils down to with her, she just wants my complete submission.”

  “You know she wasn’t always like that…she was once sweet and tender, no less amazing, but the West Coast changed her. I knew that when we tried to reconnect after she had come back. That wildness doesn’t work for me, I’m adventurous…but not like that.”

  Jill’s face contorted with confusion. “What pray tell, made you think she would be a good fit for me?”

  “Hey, you said you wanted to get your feet wet. You didn’t say anything about wanting love. You just seemed to want to have sex and I figured Meredith would be the girl for you. I’m still amazed you two haven’t done it yet.”

  “Came really close last night, almost did it in the elevator.” Jill shook her head when Casey’s eyes grew as wide as saucers…she was disgusted with herself. “Can’t believe I pulled my pants down, I was going to let her fuck me right there.” She dropped her head into her hands, “Oh God, I’m so ashamed.”

  “Look, we’ve all done crazy things when we’re drunk. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Besides, it didn’t happen so you shouldn’t feel too bad about it.”

  “Speaking of stupid things, I danced…well slow-danced with Jackie last night.”

  “Really? Why?” Casey was interested to know who initiated that little tidbit of news.”

  Jill shook her head at the memory, “she wanted to let me know that Meredith was making me look like a whore. We ended up arguing, that girl just doesn’t like me.”

  Casey turned her face away to roll her eyes, she knew there was something on Jackie’s end too otherwise she wouldn’t have cared what Meredith was doing, “well I doubt that’s true, besides…what’s not to like. You are an awesome person.”

  “Casey, you are a good friend.” Jill wiped her mouth on a napkin before tossing it onto her empty plate. She slid off the stool at the breakfast bar and slowly strode over to her sofa displayed in the center of her living room…the pinnacle of the apartment. But today she didn’t care about all her unique and eclectic art…she only cared about the cashmere blanket and the soft cushions which she would be sprawled across for the remainder of the day. “As you can see I won’t be going into work today, so you don’t have to stay. I’m sure you could find better use of your time.”

  “Well, I guess I could. But if I leave I don’t get paid.” Casey’s laughter rang through the rafters in the ceiling when Jill looked at her with a shocked expression. “I’m only kidding. But I will take Molly out for a bit. She needs the exercise and you need to sleep a bit more.”

  The loud ring of the cell phone jarred Jill from her nap. She was disoriented at first, looking around the room wondering what the noise was and where it was coming from, but as she became more coherent, she realized it was her cell phone ringing. As she picked up the phone from the coffee table, she accepted the call seeing Meredith’s name on the display screen. She was pissed at herself for not letting it go to voice mail and for not just having the phone on silent to begin with. She really wasn’t in the mood to talk to the woman on the other end of the phone. Meredith always had an attitude the day after Jill turned her down for sex and she wasn’t in the mood to hear it, but she relented and answered the phone.

  “Hello,” Jill eeked out through a raspy whisper.

  “Well hello…how are we feeling this morning?”

  Jill could hear the arrogance in her voice, “We are not feeling very good this morning.” She emphasized ‘we’ in an equally cocky tone.

  “Humph, well seven martinis will do that to ya.”

  “Seven?” Jill rolled her eyes at herself. “That explains it.”

  “It sure does. Look, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well today and you probably don’t want to hear this right now…but it needs to be said.” Meredith paused for a moment when she heard a loud sigh. “I thought this would be fun, but it has turned out to be more trouble than it’s worth.”

  Jill wasn’t sure she heard her right. She thought for sure Meredith was going to whine and complain like she always did. ‘I thought you wanted this.’ ‘I thought you liked me.’ ‘Blah blah blah.’ But it sounded more like she was about ready to dump her. “What the hell does that mean?”

  It was Meredith’s turn to sigh on the phone. “Look…you’re gorgeous, charming and have amazing eyes and all that…but this really isn’t working for me. I mean, I just don’t have the time or patience for this and frankly, I don’t want a girlfriend. I thought this would be fun…like I said, but you are too high maintenance.”

  Jill really didn’t blame Meredith for dumping her, it wasn’t like they were a couple or anything. But to call her high maintenance. “Really!?” she said in a sarcastic tone.

  “Look, I like you…I really do, but this isn’t working for me. I don’t wanna have to jump through hoops for sex. We’ve been on several dates now and still you don’t trust me or you’re too scared or maybe you’re not even gay. I don’t know what it is, but I’m not in the mood for it.”

  “Fine…if that’s what you want.” Jill was surprised how hurt she was considering she was going to have the same conversation with her; except for the ‘high maintenance’ part.

  “It was fun and exciting. Last night was…well pretty hot, but…”

  “But what? If we slept together you wouldn’t be dumping me right now?” Jill was starting to get pissed off that this chick was insulting her.

  “Probably not, because then I would have known you wanted me. But I’m not the one you want Jill. I think after last night’s display, you know that as well. Look, my advice to you…whether you want it or not…is to reevaluate what it is you want from your supposed curiosity and who you want it from because we both know it isn’t me.” Meredith was feeling a twinge of sadness but not enough to weather Jill’s crazy storm. She had plenty girls knocking on her door and now that she freed herself, she was going to make up for lost time. “Take care of yourself Jill. You are a remarkable person and I wish you happiness.”

  Jill didn’t get a chance to think about what Meredith said, much less respond to any of it when the line went dead in her ear. She knew what Meredit
h meant when she said ‘after last night’s display.’ The way she gazed at Jackie, the way she looked longingly at her; she saw through her peripheral vision that Meredith and Suzanne were both watching them very intently. But she didn’t care, she was completely smitten. Although that comment about her being old really cut her to the bone.

  It wasn’t five minutes later that her cell rang again. “Guess there is no more napping for me.” She grumbled as she pulled herself from the sofa with the cell in her hand. Her brow wrinkled up when she didn’t recognize the number but knew there were too many irons in the fire for her to ignore it.

  “Hello,” she said with a questioning voice.

  “Good morning Sunshine,” Jackie’s jubilant voice boomed on the other end of the phone bringing a smile on Jill’s face.

  “Good morning yourself.” Jill paced the carpeted floor in her living room with a huge smile plastered across her face.

  “You were pretty drunk last night…how are you feeling today?”

  Jill walked out to her patio, suddenly she wasn’t feeling so sick and wanted to feel the warmth of the sun and smell the summer air. “Oh, I was a bit worse for wear earlier, but I’m feeling better now.” She was hoping Jackie would take that as the compliment she intended it to be.

  “Happy to hear. Anyway, the reason that I called is because of two things. First I wanted to say I’m sorry for acting the way I did last night. It wasn’t right and it certainly wasn’t my business.”

  “You don’t owe me an apology, it was just nice to know that you cared enough about me to be worried.” Jill’s smile grew larger thinking this woman who was starting to take up residence in her heart actually cared about her too.

  “Um…I’m not worried about you; you’re a big girl. I just didn’t want you to make a fool out of yourself.”

  “What?” Jill’s happy demeanor abruptly deflated. “What do you mean…make a fool out of myself?”

  “You know…how you were acting.”

  “And how was I acting?”

  “Like some dime-store floozy.”

  “Really now…or was it that I was acting like a whore. I believe those were the words you used.”

  “I didn’t really mean you’re a whore, it was just the way you were letting that woman paw you like that. It was obscene. It looked like you were gonna let her violate you right there.”

  Jill was astounded and pissed off. She had some nerve questioning her judgment like that…like she would ever do something so uncouth. “I’m not an idiot or an animal. I can control myself and I can certainly handle myself.”

  “Not by the looks of what I saw,” Jackie interjected.

  “Really…how the fuck would you know and what do you care? Why is my sex life a topic of concern for you? After all, you said you would never fuck my…what were the words you used? Oh yeah, that’s right…old withered up ass.”

  Jackie silently cringed on the other end of the phone. She called to apologize and here she is making it worse.

  “Oh, and not that it is any of your business…but I haven’t slept with Meredith and it certainly wasn’t because of a lack of persistence on her part. Also, she dumped me so you will be happy to know that I won’t be fucking anyone in the foreseeable future.” At this point Jill was seething; she didn’t want to hear anything else Jackie had to say. It was apparent this girl had disdain for her, although she really didn’t understand the reason. Maybe it could be from those two chance run-ins when Jill was short-fused and spoke out of turn, but she thought they had gotten past all that.

  Jackie had no defense for what Jill was throwing at her. All she wanted to do was apologize for sticking her nose in where it didn’t belong and for all the not so nice things she said, but it got all twisted up and an apology now would seem half-hearted, but she threw one out there anyway.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You should be.” Jill ended the call and threw her phone across the patio hitting the door and causing a crack to appear in the glass. “Oh great…that’s just great.”

  Chapter 20

  “I’ve been working with a realtor to assist us with the apartment hunt,” Jackie said as she continued to run her fingers through Suzanne’s hair while they lay naked and intertwined.

  Suzanne’s head rested on Jackie’s chest, she was about asleep when the statement jolted her. “Hmmm?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Well it is late my dear and we both have an early start tomorrow. What were you saying?” Suzanne rolled over to the other side of the bed and pulled the covers up.

  “I was saying that I have a few apartments for us to see this weekend.”

  “Oh, I can’t this weekend. I’ll be in corporate meetings.”

  “All weekend, can’t you get away for an hour or so? Please come with me. Aren’t you tired of living in a hotel room?” Jackie watched as Suzanne rolled on her side facing the other way. “Babe come on, I’m sick of these four walls. I want our own place, it’s September already…don’t you want to be in something permanent before the holidays?”

  “Of course I do, but I’ll be tied up all day,” Suzanne yawned. “You go, check them out and let me know. I trust your judgment.”

  Jackie felt a distance…almost a coldness and she shuddered. This was indicative of their old relationship and she was terrified they were going to fall into old patterns. She rolled over and pressed herself against Suzanne’s back, holding her close and kissed her cheek. “I love you.”

  “Mmhmm. I know Baby…me too.” Suzanne’s words came out in a barely audible whisper as she drifted off and began to slightly snore.

  Jackie rolled onto her back, her gut twisting, her heart aching. This was definitely the old patterns and the thoughts of going back to the way things used to be made her want to throw-up. As much as it hurt her to leave all those months ago, she didn’t want to go back to the same bullshit which caused all the trouble in the first place. Whenever Suzanne acted indifferent as she had been for the past several days, it was always then that Jackie would find out she was cheating on her. It happened too many times in the four years they were together, too many for her to ever admit to anyone. But each time she would forgive her, Jackie loved her and didn’t want it to end over something that was so meaningless; at least that is how Suzanne spun it. But the fact was she was terrified to leave her…what would she do, where would she go? She was a prisoner for all intents and purposes.

  But now it would be different. She was home, loved her job and her sister and enjoyed the fact they had become friends. Jackie could walk away this time and she wasn’t about to allow Suzanne to treat her with such disrespect ever again. If this relationship was going to work this time, she demanded…and she would fill Suzanne in on this as well…monogamy. If she was going to be faithful, so was Suzanne. And she was faithful in all her relationships except with Casey, but she justified that as being okay because it was what ultimately brought her back with the love of her life, or so she thought.

  As Jackie lay there listening to the gentle snoring of the woman next to her and staring at the ceiling, Jillian Abbott popped into her head. It had been a few weeks since seeing Jill, but that wasn’t surprising since she was avoiding the woman. Anytime Jeff had a meeting with Jill, Jackie conveniently had another client appointment. There was too much animosity between them now and the fact was, they just didn’t get along and Jackie didn’t want to be the receiver of any further lectures. Although she had bumped into her a few times unprovoked, of course, each causing a ‘shit on Jackie’ outcome and she certainly didn’t miss that, but she found herself missing the funny and quirky woman she had come to know. Then she wondered if Jill had found anyone and done the deed she was so desperate to do. At least she didn’t have to watch the ridiculous display this time and again she questioned herself on why she cared. She couldn’t say ‘she’s my friend’ this time when it was obvious after their last phone conversation that the Jill disliked her and she didn�
��t blame her for it one bit. She really didn’t care for herself much after that conversation…but there was really nothing she could do after it was over, so she just let it go and had done her best to avoid any more run-ins.

  It was Saturday afternoon, Jackie had just mounted her bike after seeing the last apartment. She was excited…there were two really nice ones she was interested in so she made an appointment to see them both again and this time she’d hoped Suzanne would join her in this decision and share in the excitement of getting a place together. She was tired of shacking up in that hotel, she wanted her own space again.

  She strapped her phone into its holder on the handlebars and pushed her helmet down onto her head. As she reached for the phone ready to select her music for the ride back to her sister’s house, a text appeared.

  Hey…I’m in a bind and need your help.

  The text was from Casey, the first thought which came to mind was that it was sent to her by mistake. After what she did surely Casey wouldn’t want her help.

  Um…Hi. Did you mean to text me? Jackie inquired.

  Yes, Jackie…I was hoping you could help me.

  Sure…what can I help with?

  I’m at Jill’s dog sitting and have an emergency. Will you fill in for me? The other sitter is out of town and you’re the only other one Molly knows.

  Jackie paused momentarily contemplating what her response would be. I’m not sure Jill would want me there, we aren’t on the best terms as of late.

  She won’t be home for hours and I’ll be back before she gets home.

  Okay…what’s the emergency?

  There was a pause in Casey’s response and Jackie figured she was trying to fight off the urge to say ‘none of your fucking business’ since she was asking for a favor.

  It’s personal