Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  Her blurry eyes filled with tears as she shamefully picked up her jeans, tank top and undergarments and began to dress as she typed a text to Casey.

  I did something stupid.

  When she hit the ‘send’ button, she hoped Casey was awake. In the weeks all of this craziness had transpired she thanked God for her best friend. She thought time and time again ‘if only’ she was attracted to Casey instead of heart-sick over that blue-eyed pain in her ass.

  What happened?

  I slept with my lawyer, Jackie’s boss.

  Oh…okay. Well, that’s a biggie.

  Yup. I was drunk and now I want to jump out the window

  When the phone rang, Jill nearly had heart failure as she quickly quieted the ring as to not wake her guest. “Hello,” Jill half whispered.

  “Hey…don’t beat yourself up. This is typical self-sabotage shit,” Casey’s voice was soft and reassuring.

  “How can any self-sabotage be normal?” Jill’s voice cracked from the tears now falling down her face. “I can’t deal with this right now…I just want my head to stop replaying it over and over.”

  “Oh Sweetie…you’re torturing yourself. Look, you’re hungover and very emotional which is normal. Grab Molly and meet me at our café; we’ll sit outside and have some coffee and food.”

  Jill giggled in spite of her breakdown, “There two things wrong with that plan. One it’s only 6:00 a.m. and two he’s still here.”

  “Well, you could wake him and tell him to get out or you could avoid the scene altogether and tape a note to his head.”

  Jill definitely didn’t want to deal with him at the moment. Her head was pounding, her stomach was churning and her heart was aching. She would have to tell him it was a one-time thing. Hopefully he knew, but either way it wouldn’t happen again. The only reason it did in the first place was that she was lonely and heartsick. Besides, court was in a week and regardless of the judge’s decision, she wouldn’t see him again. So the second option sounded the best. She grabbed a pack of post-its from her desk, scribbled a message.

  Please let yourself out.

  She couldn’t have made it any clearer that what happened between them was not the beginning of anything…only that it was what it was; she hoped he shared the same perspective. What Jill didn’t want to deal with was him pursuing her, she had enough stress. She quietly crept into her room and was relieved to hear a faint snore come from the bed. She tiptoed up to the bed and stuck the post-it to her pillow. It was bright green so she was sure it would stand out enough for him to see it.

  Jill turned on her heel and quickly left the room, put Molly’s harness on, and left the apartment. But not before grabbing the sunglasses off the entryway table, they were the same pair she’d been wearing for the past few weeks; Jackie’s….from the very first time she looked into those eyes and knew this was the one. This was her person. She just wished Jackie felt the same way and as she walked through the park toward the café, the thoughts filled her brain. The biggest one was why she still had feelings for Jackie and this whole ‘lesbian’ thing. What the fuck am I thinking? She thought as she paused by a clump of bushes for Molly to sniff around. But that was the thing…she wasn’t thinking, she was feeling and Jackie Evans was in her heart no matter how much Jill wished she wasn’t. This blonde pain in her ass was tangled up in her every waking moment; even in her dreams Jackie was there.

  “This unrequited love is for the birds,” Jill said aloud. The excitement of the feelings Jill realized was leaving a huge hole of loneliness, but it didn’t matter how much she tried to talk herself out of Jackie Evans…she was in love.

  It was a beautiful morning, the birds were singing and the city was quiet…well quieter than usual. Not too many people milling about and the cars were sparse as well. She made a mental note to get up and walk Molly every morning at 6:30 through the streets of Manhattan. “Would be a perfect time to clear the head,” Jill said when she spied Casey sitting at an outside café table in front of a very quaint coffee shop. New York was no stranger to these types of places, and they were a dime a dozen. Most offering the same fair, so there really wasn’t one that stood out from the others, but this place was significant since this was their hangout. This was the place they met weekly to discuss life, love, heartache and all its splendor.

  “Hey girl,” Casey yelled out to Molly when she noticed the furry beast practically dragging Jill down the sidewalk.

  After a couple moments of some doggie head rubs and baby talk, Casey looked up at Jill, “So I see you escaped.”

  Jill rolled her eyes and shook her head in disgust as she sat in the other chair at the table unsure what to say about the new mess she had thrown herself into. “He was still sleeping when I left.”

  Casey didn’t ask any questions, she figured if Jill wanted to talk about it she would and if not that was fine too. She continued to look over at her friend while sipping her coffee and scratching Molly behind her ears.

  “Drink that before it gets cold.” Casey gestured to the cup of coffee sitting in front of Jill.

  Jill picked up the cardboard cup of coffee and practically gulped it down like it was going to relieve some of her ailments. Casey became concerned when she saw the tears begin to slide down Jill’s face from under her sunglasses. She knew Jill was in pain and she knew what it felt like to love someone that didn’t love you back…want someone that you can’t have. It hurt like no other pain could hurt.

  “I miss her,” Jill said as she put the cup down. “I can’t believe I did something so stupid, she’s really going to hate me when she finds out.”

  “Jill, what makes you think she’ll find out and why should it matter if she does? You two aren’t in a relationship…you are not beholden to her for your behavior or whom you have or don’t have sex with. You are an adult…it’s your life.”

  “I know but…”

  “But what? Did you think keeping yourself pristine would give her pause, maybe think twice about choosing you instead of Suzanne?”

  Jill shrugged her shoulders like a mopey teenager.

  “I found the proof of that theory I talked to you about a week ago.”

  Jill sniffed and wiped at her eyes after she pushed the sunglasses up onto the top of her head. “What theory?”

  “Suzanne Brooks.”

  Jill cringed at the mere mention of her name. “Please, my stomach feels sick enough.”

  “Hold it together for a couple more seconds, you’ll love this.” Casey smiled over at the perplexed look on her friend’s face. “She is screwing around and you’ll never guess with whom.” She paused for a moment waiting for Jill to offer a guess, but the blank look on the woman’s face proved she was clueless. “Okay…I can see you are overwhelmed with suspense. Meredith.” Still seeing the blank look on Jill’s face she spelled it out for her. “Suzanne is screwing Meredith.”

  Jill’s eyes grew as large as saucers, “Oh my God. Really? How do you know?”

  “Well, I saw them together that Saturday afternoon that thing happened between you and Jackie.”

  Jill’s mind flashed back to the ‘thing’ as Casey put it…it was bittersweet, the kiss, the way her heart swelled…the hope and desire only to be torn away by harsh words and accusations. The memory of the slap brought her back to reality, shaking her head, Jill regained her focus on Casey’s inquisitive stare, “What kind of proof?”

  “I have pictures.” Casey sat tall in her chair, a bit puffed up with pride.

  Jill’s jaw dropped open, “How in the world did you get pictures?”

  The smile on Casey’s face widened, “My new girlfriend is a private investigator.”

  “Well, that’s convenient…wait a minute; you have a new girlfriend?”

  “Yeah. We haven’t been dating too long, but I really like her.” Casey grinned as her eyes deflected to the cup of coffee she picked up.

  “That is so great Case…I’m so happy for you. What’s her name and when can I meet her?”
Jill relaxed in her seat, it was nice to have something else on her mind other than Jackie or the mess she was currently in…which was still sleeping in her bed.

  “Are you kidding…The last girl I brought over you fell in love with.” Casey was kidding, but when Jill’s face fell and her eyes filled up, she knew the joke was ill-timed. “Hey, I was joking. Of course, I want you to meet her; you’re my best friend, well you and this furry sweetie pie.” Casey leaned down to kiss Molly on the snout.

  “I’m so sorry Case, I never meant that to happen. You must hate me.”

  “Hate you? Didn’t you just hear me say you’re my best friend?” Casey’s brow pinched together.

  “Yeah, but weren’t you mad that I fell for your girlfriend?”

  Casey ran her hand through her short locks and waved a waitress down she saw tending to another customer. “At first, but when I realized you were in love with her and I could see something in her…who was I to stand in the way of that? I just wished she wasn’t so stupid.”

  “Hey, you’re talking about the woman I love.” Jill giggled as she finished off her coffee. “Wait, what about the pictures of Suzanne and Meredith? Have you seen them?”

  “Yup, they are definitely caught in the act.”

  “This is going to devastate Jackie. I can’t believe that bitch is doing this to her.” Jill regarded her friend across the table trying to read her face. “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know…but she needs to know, I’m just not sure how to tell her. Because you know she’ll hate whoever tells her.”

  Jill nodded her head, she knew that was the absolute truth. As much as she wanted to go running to Jackie with the news, she knew it would not be received well especially with evidence. “I guess you could send it to her anonymously.”

  “I could, but I think she would blame you anyway since…well, you know.”

  Jill let out a cocky snort, “Yes…I do know.”

  Jill was on her way into the courthouse a week after her conversation with Casey. She couldn’t get Jackie out of her head and the fact that bitch named Suzanne was making a fool of her. Casey said she would take care of it since it didn’t matter if Jackie hated her or not. But chances were even if she knew and ended it with Suzanne she wouldn’t come running into her arms. However, it didn’t stop her from creating the fantasy and living it in her head.

  She was nervous about what she would face today in court. Not only having to be faced with Bill, but also having to see Jeff. He had called her several times after their indiscretion some of which she promptly ignored, the others she let him know her feelings. She wasn’t proud of the way she left it with him, but hoped he caught on to the fact she wasn’t interested in anything outside their professional relationship. “Ugh…what a fucking nightmare!” Jill’s voice bellowed out louder than she intended causing the people around her to gawk.

  When Jill walked into the courtroom, she was taken aback by the sight of Bill and his new wife and the infant in her arms. “A boy?” she whispered as the sound of her heels on the marble tile floor echoed through the room. She diverted her eyes when Bill’s smiling face looked up in her direction. Her throat tightened and she felt almost out of breath. Oh dear God…not now. The fear of a panic attack was now all she could think about, this would not look good and she was sure that bastard Hardy would use it as a weakness and show how it supported their claim of her instability then and now still.

  She looked over at the plaintiff’s table expecting to see Jeff and dreading it at the same time. She did not want to have to reiterate what she told him the last time he called her, ‘No, I don’t want to go out with you. No, I don’t want to see where this goes. It was a lapse in judgment with too much booze. Take it for what it was…it won’t happen again.’ But when she saw the blonde hair, her heart nearly leap from her chest and suddenly she became very nervous for different reasons.

  Jackie sat at the table reviewing her notes, she was certain this case was a slam dunk…a no brainer. They were going to walk out of there winners. But this would be the first case she’d litigated in a very long time, so she was quite nervous…not sure if it was the case or seeing Jill after kissing her, the kissing she still thinks about…and dreams about. Why couldn’t she get this woman out of her system?

  When she heard the door behind her open, a nervous feeling invaded her gut and she began to tap her pen rapidly on the table. The sound of the heels on the marble floor boomed in her ears at an almost deafening level and it was all she could do not to turn around. She needed to keep her head in this case and watching that woman strut down the aisle in what she could only imagine was a form-fitting designer business suit with a slit in the skirt and the thought of it made her quiver.

  “Hey there,” Jill said with an uneasy pitch in her voice.

  Oh dear God…that voice. Jackie could barely swallow the nervous lump which formed in her dry throat. “Hey,” she said as she cleared her throat.

  “What are you doing here? I thought Jeff was going to present this case.” Jill looked down at the woman who seemed to be doing everything she could to ignore her.

  “Well Jeff had an emergency to deal with, so you’re gonna have to settle for me,” Jackie’s forehead rested on her hand while she scribbled down nonsense on her legal pad.

  “I didn’t mean it like that…I’m just surprised to see you here that’s all.”

  “I’ll have you know I’m quite a good litigator…but if you prefer I’ll try to get a continuance since your attorney isn’t available today.”

  “Jackie…I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sure you are great…I trust that you are. It’s just good to see you.” Jill rounded the table and stood in front of her attorney giving her no choice but to look up.

  Jackie did relent and slowly raised her head and regarded the woman standing directly in front of her. And just as she had feared, Jill was breathtaking…the way the sun illuminated her from behind dramatically and that smile on her face. But she couldn’t return the smile, she knew what Jill wanted and she couldn’t give it to her. Even if she was going to break up with Suzanne, how could she take another step into uncertainty? The last time she took the risk…she lost everything.

  “Could you sit down please?” Jackie’s voice was becoming increasingly indifferent.

  Jill took her seat, her focus left her apparently annoyed lawyer and landed on the sounds of muddled voices coming from the other side of the room. She could see the happiness in Bill’s face by the smile that stretched across it, the way he watched as his new wife cradled their child in her arms. The baby looked to be about three or so months old and she guessed it was a boy from the color of the blanket. Then the pain of the loss she had tried to bury resurfaced, the hole in her heart and in her life gaped open once again. She shook her head trying to will away the memories of her son, the short three days she spent with her little boy James the love of her life. But they didn’t go away, they came fast and hard; memories of the troubled pregnancy, the miracle of his birth and when that sweet little thing stared so deep into her eyes she knew he could see right into her soul. Then the last memory of her baby boy when he closed his eyes for the final time and with his death, came the death of her own heart. And with tears in her eyes, she looked over at Jackie, the one who had broken through that barrier, the one that put love and life back into her…making her heart beat once again. No more just existing, no more just going through the motions. She was in love, and she was tired of burying it…it was time to tell her, what Jackie did with the information after that would be up to her.

  “This is as good a time as any,” she said aloud wiping the tears from her cheeks.

  “Time for what?” Jackie asked as she turned her head to glance at the woman to her right.

  “Time to tell you something.”

  “If it’s about Jeff…I already know.”

  Jill’s face nearly drained of its color, “Know what?”

  “You didn’t think he would
miss the opportunity to rub my nose in the fact that he’s your new fuck buddy.”

  Jill thought she was going to drop out of her seat, “He told you what?”

  “That you two are gigging…you know doing the non-gay thing.”

  Jill shook her head in disgust, “That bastard.”

  “Look, it really doesn’t matter anyway. It’s your life, and I could care less who you are screwing these days,” Jackie said the words, but it was hard for her to bite back the anger. She was a big fat liar because she did care, it sent her into a jealous fit when Jeff came into the office the next day bragging like they were in a locker room or something. And again she had to evaluate why it mattered to her.

  “It does matter. It matters to me, I’m not ‘gigging’ with him as you put it. It was a one-time thing…he came over to prepare me for court because you bailed on me and one thing led to the other. I’m not proud of what happened, but I was drunk, upset and lonely. I told him it was a one-time thing over and over again. I’m sorry…so very sorry. I wish I could undo it but I can’t.”

  “Wait a minute…you’re blaming me for this?” Jackie narrowed her eyes while looking into the serious face her client.

  “What…no I’m not blaming you. Why would you say that?”

  “Well, you said ‘since I bailed on you.’”

  “Well, you did bail on me.” Jill’s facial expression displayed frustration.

  “So if I’d kept this case you wouldn’t have slept with Jeff?”

  “Well no, because you would have been there and not him.”

  “So you are blaming me.” Jackie's voice was filled with irritation and she regarded the woman sitting to her right with an annoyed expression on her face.

  “No, I’m not…it’s just that…” Jill dropped her head, shaking it from side to side. “I just don’t understand why you have such disdain for me. I’m so sorry for anything I’ve done that has hurt you so much and pushed you away from me. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy and if I’ve done anything to cause you unhappiness, I am sorry.”