“What the hell,” she said as the doors opened and she shot out of the elevator rushing toward the front door. She waved to the girl at the concierge desk, pretty sure Suzanne probably would be giving her an earful when she puts two and two together. She kind of felt sorry for her…but she did what she had to do. It was time to face it head on and close that chapter for good. No more Suzanne, she even deleted her contact information from her phone and blocked her number. There would be no need for future contact, even if Jill told her to get bent…she would not be knocking on Suzanne’s door ever again.
Jackie quickly pushed through the revolving door and with a smile she greeted the door man.
“Have a good evening,” he said as he tipped his hat to her.
“You as well,” Jackie yelled as she began to sprint down the sidewalk. She didn’t know what she was going to say when Jill opened the door, she hoped the words would come to her once she saw Jill’s face.
Jill had just come in from her patio, it was just a little too muggy for her and she needed to refill her wine glass. She couldn’t stop reliving the memories of the day and she shook her head thinking she was crazy for blurting out ‘I love you’ in court. Jackie looked at her with such shock, like she was half crazy. But Jill didn’t care, she wanted Jackie to know…she wanted her to say it back, what she wanted from Jackie Evans was anything but what she got.
Jill rolled her eyes at herself for even thinking that someone like Jackie would or could ever love her. After all, she was a decade older and newly divorced. From some of the stuff she had read it seemed lesbians didn’t want to get involved with a woman who was married to a man and fresh on the lesbian trail. So when Jackie took her home with the possibility of sex, Jill was an eager participant. She wanted to be with the woman she loved, she wanted to feel Jackie’s touch, her kiss and complete unadulterated passion. But what then? After it was all said and done, would Jackie have felt anything other than guilt? Would the act of sex have ruined for them anyway…maybe more than it is now?
As much as Jill reveled in the memory of their near sexual encounter, she was also saddened. Jill wanted it, but she was glad it didn’t happen. She knew if it did, she would be feeling far worse than she was right now. And right now, she was heart-sick knowing Jackie Evans would never be hers and the thought of that caused a pain in her chest laced with tears.
Jill knew it was time to move on, Jackie wasn’t hers and made it pretty clear by her non-actions, she wasn’t interested. It was getting late but she couldn’t bring herself to sleep, to lie in her bed tossing and turning with a hopeless feeling of never finding love. Even trying to think about moving on into this life; being single, forty-six and a new lesbian made her want to cringe. What would she do, where would she go? Bars, clubs…filled with twenty-somethings. Internet dating? It was all too depressing to ponder, then her thoughts went back to Jackie the way they always do and wondered if she was with Suzanne. Were they having dinner…sex?
Jill shook her head trying to will the image away of Jackie and Suzanne naked, bodies intertwined and orgasmic bellows filling the air around them.
“Oh God, help me,” Jill groaned then swallowed the remnants in her glass. “I should have started with vodka.”
She had taken a couple days off from the Shelter to deal with court and wrap up any legalities she might need to handle. So with the thought of sleeping in and wanting to drown her sorrows, she grabbed another bottle of pinot and headed for the sofa. Molly was already comfy and passed out on the middle cushion. “Not sharing tonight? Isn’t that just typical female behavior,” she said with a cocky laugh. Not wanting to disturb the dog, she plopped herself into one of the chairs, poured a glass of wine and turned on the TV.
The news was on, typically she would have changed the channel right away. The news was always too depressing to watch, if it weren't weather-related, she would switch the channel. She dealt with enough drama in her life, especially her life at the shelter; she really didn’t want to hear or see any more heart-wrenching stories. But this one was a car accident involving a motorcycle.
Earlier today, an accident involving a tow truck and a motorcycle has claimed the life of the driver. Sources indicate the victim was a white female, she was hit head-on by the tow truck.
“Oh my God!” Jill jumped from her seat in search of her phone. Just as she picked it up from the coffee table, it rang. “Hello.”
“Did you see the news?” Casey asked with worry in her voice.
“Yes, have you talked to her? It can’t be her…right?” Jill asked as she felt her stomach drop.
“I just tried to call her and it went straight to voicemail. I was hoping she was with you or you have talked to her.”
“No. Oh God…could that be her?” Jill’s legs felt as if they were turning to jelly. She knew she could collapse at any moment.
“When was the last time you talked to her?” The panic in Casey was beginning to surface.
“Earlier today when I left her house,” Jill said as she began to pace the floor.
“Really? Nothing else from her?”
Jill could hear Casey’s voice shake and the terrible feeling she had in the pit of her stomach was nothing short of dread. “This can’t be it, Jackie can’t be dead.” Tears filled her eyes as she braced herself against the wall.
“Wait, we shouldn’t jump to any conclusions,” Casey said feeling her heart-rate quicken.
“Case…you know as well as I do she is on that phone like a banana in a cage filled with monkeys. Let me call her, I’ll call you right back.”
“I’m coming over.” Casey ended the call.
“Oh dear God….please let her be okay.” Jill pressed the app on her Galaxy with Jackie’s picture, it rang once and went to voicemail. “Hey Jackie, it’s Jill. Um, saw a really disturbing news story about a motorcycle wreck and wanted to make sure you’re okay. Of course you are…I’m being silly, I know. Um, please call me as soon as you get this…I don’t care how late.”
Jill ended the call and stared down at the picture from Jackie’s contact information. Suddenly it didn’t seem real, she didn’t seem real and Jill was enveloped in that awful, sickening feeling when realizing the possibility that Jackie could be dead. Then Jill lost the battle of her emotions and the tears poured from her eyes like a faucet.
“Stop being stupid…you don’t even know if that is her,” Jill said aloud, but even she couldn’t ignore the signs; motorcycle, woman, not answering her phone. Her resolve was fading quickly and as it was crumbling, she felt strange tremors rip through her flesh like electric shocks. She could feel her heart, the erratic high-speed beating was not only making her nauseous but winded as well.
Jill had to know, she had to face the truth if in fact it was Jackie whose life just ended as much as that thought made her want to throw her guts up. She stammered back to the television still hearing the news talk about the accident and the traffic jam it has caused. It was a Friday night, but she still thought it strange that there would be so many people in cars to cause a traffic jam at such a late hour, but it was New York City…however true that fact would be, she would never get used to it. Maybe in the winter, it would be different she thought as she entered the living room and chuckled at such an odd thought at this very moment.
It was almost sickening to watch the scene unfold, the chaos of the motorists beeping their stupid horns like they were too important to wait for the crumpled up metal to be hauled away or the body lying beneath the sheet be yanked to the side of the road lest they have to waste one more precious second of their time. “Assholes!” she said aloud as she was perched on the very end of her tufted wingback lounge chair, her knee anxiously bouncing while she wrung her sweaty hands together.
The news reporters might as well have been speaking Chinese because the words were senseless mutterings that had no meaning to her at this moment. It was like some sadistic torture she was putting herself through, but she had to know something. She continued t
o redial Jackie’s phone over and over, hanging up each time her voicemail message started to play; just the sound of her sultry voice at this moment was too much to bear. She looked at her phone repeatedly checking the ring volume, checking everything hoping not to miss the call she wished would be coming any minute, Jackie’s voice on the other end giving her shit for blowing up her phone...something she would welcome no matter how pissed off Jackie would be.
But when the news camera panned over the scene of the wreck and she caught sight of the motorcycle, she paused the screen. Unsure whether modern cable TV science was a blessing or a curse at this particular moment; until she spotted the sticker on the chrome side of the backrest. One that she commented about in the past, “Why do you have to advertise it? Are you looking for trouble?” was what she so insensitively asked when she saw the heart-shaped sticker with the ‘gay rainbow’ slicing through it. Jackie’s retort was, “I’m not advertising, just showing my pride.” That was when she knew it was Jackie’s motorcycle and that motionless frame underneath the sheet in the middle of the road was in fact, Jackie Evans.
Jill stood from her seat, her hand clamped over her mouth, “Oh dear God…no.” It just wasn’t possible, how could that be Jackie? Jill’s heart hammered in her chest as the tears poured down. Then the gaping hole opened in her heart and with it came loud bellows of sorrow erupting from her throat. Jill sank down to her knees in the center of her living room as she dropped her face into her hands and sobbed like a child. Memories of the time they spent together, the times they argued, the look in her eyes before their lips touched. The sweet, sultry sound of her voice, that infectious laugh and her million dollar smile. Everything from Madame Drina’s foretelling of her heart, to that amazing dance when her heart opened completely and she knew. She knew then of the desire and the yearning she felt was not just some form of a crush or infatuation. It was the raw emotion that ripped at her every time she laid eyes on that gorgeous blonde, every time she thought about that smile, and every time she looked into those piercing blue eyes, the way their eyes would lock on each other making her drown in the ‘gaga’ feelings that would flutter through her heart.
Now those dreams were gone and the death of them tore through Jill like a fragmentation grenade, obliterating her very soul. The cat and mouse game they played was the marrow of her life, exciting, and hopeful once she knew she had the hots for Jackie until she finally realized it was more than just that. She was desperately and completely in love. So when she shared her feelings today in court and Jackie took her home she thought that would be it…she loves me too. Because she thought that the sharing of feelings between lesbians was sex, how foolish she felt to realize she was so naïve and close-minded for even one minute to think that ridiculously.
As she crumpled to the floor and lay there motionless the tears and nasal mire battled for residence on her face as well as the carpet she rested upon. While she lay there numb to the world outside her pain, she wondered if Joni knew yet, if she had a premonition or had seen it all happen in her clairvoyant mind. She wondered if there would be a funeral and how she would handle the finality of saying ‘goodbye’ to the woman that stole her heart and she wondered if Jackie knew how much ‘love’ was meant in those three little words she whispered in her ear. “If only I hadn’t seen that picture…where would we be now?” Knowing that was the only reason the encounter came to a screeching halt…that stupid fucking picture was what brought her back to reality.
Jill whimpered silently while in her mind she could only see Jackie and that beautiful smile.
Jackie sat in the police station waiting for the desk Sergeant to call her number as she thought back to the imbecile that stole her bike and shook her head at her own irresponsibility. She was nervous and had such tunnel vision when she got off her bike, she didn’t realize she left the key in the ignition. “Stupid.” Jackie said to herself trying not to breathe too deeply since it smelled like shit and intense B.O.
Jackie couldn’t stop remembering seeing the young woman on her bike, “Shit!” Jackie murmured as she remembered running full force trying to reach the bike before it sped away…but to no avail. With Jackie just a few feet away, screaming ‘STOP’ at the top of her lungs. The girl looked to be in her early twenties and Jackie did get a good look at her smiling face and middle finger as the thief sped away on her Harley.
Jackie shook her head, she couldn’t believe this was the night she was having. All she wanted to do was get to Jill’s and tell her that she did love her, but now here she sits in this God forsaken police station. So with only time on her hands she couldn’t help but think about the events leading up to her sitting there amongst the dregs of New York City.
“FUCK!” Jackie screamed out as she continued to run after her into the middle of the road, nearly getting herself run over in the process. Frantically reaching into her back pocket for her cell she instantly panicked when she didn’t feel it in either back pocket.
With a loud, frustrated sigh, she desperately looked on the ground, her eyes darting up and down the sidewalk where she had been running. She knew she had the phone in the elevator, she deleted all of Suzanne’s contact information. “Dammit…where the fuck is it.” Suddenly she saw it in the middle of 76th Street, but before she could make her way to the phone…a Metro Bus ran it over.
Jackie screamed as she watched the bus run over the phone, not just one tire…but every tire on the bus’ left side took its turn obliterating the cell phone. “Fucking hell.”
When the road was clear, she somberly walked to the smashed phone and picked it up. The screen was completely smashed and it was fractured in at least three different spots. “What can go wrong now?” But before she could tempt fate to deliver its third wallop, she thought it best not to stand in the middle of 76th street feeling sorry for herself. She didn’t want to be the next bus victim.
As she crossed the street, she pulled her hands through her hair in frustration. “Now what?”
“I’m such an idiot.” She looked around hoping to see a cop on patrol, but didn’t see one. She had no way to call anyone…not the cops to report her bike stolen or her sister for a ride. She didn’t even have her wallet with her, it was locked away in the side compartment of her bike, no identification, no money and no cards. Now she was frantic.
Turning back towards the hotel hoping to be able to use the phone and call the police. But when she approached the door, she could see Suzanne looking a bit irate while speaking to someone she assumed was a manager. Thinking better of entering the lobby, she headed back to the street.
“Can I call for a cab, Miss?” The doorman asked Jackie as she paced back and forth.
“No, but can you get me a cop?” Jackie half laughed, thinking it was a crazy thing to ask, but not more than a few minutes later one of the NYPD’s finest pulled up.
Jackie rushed up to the police cruiser, “Excuse me, Officer. Can you help me? My motorcycle was stolen.”
“I’m sorry Miss, you will need to fill out a report at the precinct.”
“Really? You can’t help me at all?” Jackie's voice displayed her frustration.
“No.”
“Can you give me a ride?”
“No, it is against the law to have civilians in the car. You’ll have to call a cab.”
“I can’t, my wallet was with my bike and my cell is busted, now what the fuck am I supposed do?”
“Hey, watch your language. Let me see your ID.”
Jackie rolled her eyes and threw up her hands, “Seriously, didn’t you just hear me say my wallet was with my bike?” She paused to gauge the cop’s reaction. “Meaning it was stolen too.” She shook her head and crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry Miss, but you will have to go down to the precinct. The closest to here is Central Park or 19th.” He turned away and got back in his car then drove away leaving Jackie standing there with a ‘what the fuck’ expression on her face. It was dark now and with no wheels or no way to call anyon
e for help, “Now what?” She could see Jill’s building from where she was standing, but she needed to report her stolen bike since her driver’s license, ATM card and every credit card she had were with it. Since it was dark now, there was no way she was going to venture into the park, too many weirdos inhabited the park at night, besides 19th is closer to Jill’s, she just hoped it wasn’t an all-night event.
“Good thing I didn’t wear heels,” Jackie said as she looked down at her motorcycle boots knowing the mile and a half run to the police station would be daunting. “Oh well, all is fair in love.”
Jackie began to think about Jill and the look on her face when she turned and left her bedroom. Kicking herself for letting Jill walk away that hurt and angry, and she wondered what Jill was doing now. Hating her, crying? Jackie shook her head, she didn’t deserve that woman crying over her. “Dammit,” she said aloud. She needed to get to Jill and make this right before irreparable damage was done and she lost any chance she had with that gorgeous brunette.
The loud voice calling her name shook her from the thought train she was on…she stood when she heard her name a second time called by a young detective.
When Jackie took her seat, the detective smiled and shook her hand. “Good evening, Miss Evans, I’m detective Jones. What brings you in here tonight?”
“My motorcycle was stolen,” Jackie said with an annoyed look on her face as she watched Detective Jones root through his desk drawer for a pen.
“Where?”
“At The Carlye.”
“The Carlye, in Manhattan?” The detective looked at her quizzically.
“Yes.”
Without A Pail Page 27