Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  “Jack…” Jill’s voice laden with tears, “Something’s wrong with Molly.”

  “Oh God….where are you?”

  “In the park.”

  “Same place we always go?”

  “Yes….please hurry.”

  Jill ended the call leaving Jackie confused, terrified and freaking out that the elevator was taking its time.

  Once she exited the building, she darted towards the park. It was only a mile away and she knew she would get there faster on foot than a cab, but running in heels was not easy; so to avoid a busted ankle or face, she opted to take them off and run in her bare feet through the fields and paths of Central Park.

  Jackie was heaving and wheezing trying to keep her pace steady and she cursed herself for how long she had gone without exercising. She could see Jill in the distance on her knees hovering over Molly and her stomach dropped. “Oh God!” she choked out of her dry throat as she picked up her pace.

  When she got within a few feet of her girlfriend, she could see her head and shoulders bouncing and knew she was in tears and her heart sank. Jackie slowed her pace trying to catch her breath so she could console Jill, but as the tears fell from her own eyes, she knew they would be consoling each other.

  Jackie placed a comforting hand on Jill’s shoulder before she dropped to her knees, “What happened?” Her words were still shaky from the labored breaths she continued to exhale.

  Jill turned her head to address the question; Jackie could see the utter pain in her red, swollen and teary eyes. “Oh Baby, come here,” Jackie pulled her into a comforting embrace as she let her tears fall as well.

  Jackie’s eyes scanned the faces of the few people standing around them as she held her sobbing girlfriend. It touched her to see the concern and empathy in their expressions; a few were even teary eyed. She let her eyes trail down to the dog lying still on the ground and she knew Molly was gone. Two months earlier they had just celebrated her fourteenth birthday with a juicy bone from the local butcher shop and some chicken mixed in with her kibble. She clearly recalled their conversation about the vet giving Molly a clean bill of health and feeling very fortunate that this precious furry creature was still part of their family considering German Shepherds don’t usually live past the age of ten. Then the memories of the dog began to flood her mind and she lost the fight to restrain her tears as she pulled tighter to Jill.

  “I’ll call Jason, he has a Jeep,” Jackie said as she pushed the tear soaked hair behind Jill’s ear.

  “I don’t understand it, she was fine…running around, barking, playing catch and fetch. She looked so happy; I don’t know, maybe I overdid it, but she was having so much fun I didn’t want to cut her play time short. It’s all my fault.” Jill broke down into inconsolable sobs.

  “Oh Baby, this isn’t your fault. She died doing what she loved to do, playing with you in the park.”

  “She died in my arms.”

  Jackie could see Casey making her way toward them and said a silent prayer of thanks, she needed help with this situation. Consoling Jill was the easy part, but now she would need to get someone here to help her pick up the dog and take her to the vet. She knew Jill would not handle that part well. Casey would be a good distraction, maybe even get her back to the apartment while she and Jason took care of everything else.

  “Hey Case,” Jackie said still holding Jill close to her while rubbing her back. Jill seemed to be in a calmer state at the moment. She kissed Jill’s forehead, “Babe, Casey’s here.”

  She could see the tears building in Casey’s eyes as well, after all, she and Molly spent a lot of time together. “Please help Jill for a minute while I make a call.”

  Casey was quick to respond and pulled Jill into an embrace.

  Jackie politely asked the onlookers to go on their way, as she began to dial Joni’s number, Jason had moved in moments after she moved out. “Jason, I’m glad you picked up. Listen, I need you to come to the 61st Street entrance of the Park. Bring the Jeep.”

  “Why, you have a body you want to dispose of?” He laughed into the phone.

  “Yeah, Molly died.”

  “Oh shit, I’m so sorry.”

  Chapter 32

  It had been nearly two months since Molly died and Jill was doing everything she could do to keep herself busy with her work. Before her dog died, Jill was walking the main floor inspecting the accommodations and the staff ensuring each resident of the shelter was happy, well fed, groomed, and walked at least three times a day. But these days she couldn’t bear to see the faces of the abandoned pets and not think of Molly whose family dumped her because she was old.

  All Jill could think about was that sweet, sad face and the hopelessness she saw in Molly’s eyes every night until she adopted her and brought her home. Jill knew she gave the dog a great life for the very short time she had her, but it didn’t do much to help quell the pain in her heart. When Molly died in her arms on that hot July afternoon, she couldn’t help but be transported back to when her son, only three days old, took his last breath in her arms. It was a memory and a pain she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy, and she would rather lose a limb than have to relive it again. But there it was alive and in color playing through Jill’s brain.

  She hadn’t meant to be so absent from the apartment or from Jackie, but she couldn’t bear to be left alone with nothing but her thoughts and the ghost of her sweet Molly. Jill had only wanted to occupy her days with the foundation while Jackie was at work, but it soon turned into sixty to seventy hours a week creating a significant schedule conflict which led to sometimes two or three days between the times she would see her girlfriend.

  The distance between them had begun to grow slowly, but soon it was a rift that Jill felt in the pit of her stomach. Their once steaming hot sex life had been reduced to a simmer leaving an awkwardness whenever sex was initiated…almost as if they were strangers and even though she went through the motions she was sure Jackie felt it too.

  Everything was reminiscent of what happened to her marriage after James died, she knew it was something she needed to address but she couldn’t figure out how to get out of this funk she was in. No amount of talking with Casey or fighting with Jackie was helping. She had slipped into a vortex where only she existed, alone in her pain and depression. And no matter how she tried to break free, the pull was too strong. She knew if something didn’t change soon she would cause irreparable damage to her relationship and that thought terrified her, however as much as she loved Jackie she just couldn’t shake the haze she was in.

  As these thoughts jackhammered through her head, she tried to sit calmly in the small waiting room outside of Madame Drina’s office. She had made an appointment under a different name a week ago, she had hoped to get in sooner, but Joni was booked. She could have used her real name to get some preferential treatment, but then Joni would have told Jackie and she wasn’t in the mood to try and explain why she needed to see a Psychic. The fact was she didn’t view Joni as one of those phony psychic’s, sure she had second sight and some clairvoyant tendencies, which she had seen first-hand…but she needed this to be a professional one-on-one therapy session.

  The opening of the door startled Jill from her thoughts causing her to nearly jump from her seat. It was then she realized drinking a latte with the double shot of espresso was probably not the wisest decision she ever made, but the damage was done and she would just have to go with the caffeine nervousness on top of her own.

  She heard Joni’s voice follow behind an older woman, who looked to be around sixty or so. Jill figured there was no age limit in wanting in the know, so to speak. Joni who was walking the older woman out of her office hadn’t seen Jill since she was sitting back in the corner of the waiting room. But when Jill looked up at the woman who resembled the love of her life dressed in her gypsy get-up, her heart sank. This is the stuff she should be talking to Jackie about, but every time she tried she wouldn’t get the words out right and they would end up argui
ng because she couldn’t seem to get Jackie to understand what she was trying to say.

  “You can come in now Jill.”

  Jill nearly fell out of her chair when she heard the words echo past the open doorway. She stood up on shaky legs and slowly walked into Joni’s office afraid of what was going to happen when she stepped inside.

  “Close the door behind you please.” Joni’s voice was flat.

  “How did you know…,” Jill’s eyes found the floor when the piercing stare became too intense. “I guess that is a stupid question, huh?”

  “Humph…no, I didn’t see a vision or anything. But I did recognize your voice when you made the appointment. Why did you use a different name?”

  Jill shrugged her shoulders, she suddenly felt stupid and wanted to run out of there. “I don’t know, I didn’t want you to tell Jackie I was coming in to see you.”

  Joni quietly sighed, she had grown quite fond of Jill over the past year…but she hadn’t seen much of her as of late. Jackie had been tight-lipped over the whole ordeal but she knew something was amiss and she was pretty sure she knew the reason why. She had wanted to talk to Jill for a while now but it was not easy to get her alone to talk to her without Jackie wondering what was going on. Jackie was not one to let things go since she had such a complex. So Joni had known this was a blessing in disguise, but she wasn’t sure what Jill was here to discuss…she hoped it wasn’t the ‘how do I break up with your sister’ talk.

  “Jill, please know that my business and my personal life are completely separate. I wouldn’t have told her…even after knowing it was you coming in, I didn’t tell her. There is complete anonymity here.”

  “Thank you,” Jill found Joni’s eyes and returned the smile.

  “So what are you here for? A reading or…”

  Jill interrupted, “No, can we dispense with the formalities? I just really need to talk. I’m a mess and I don’t know how to change it. I’m sinking deeper and I feel so far away from her, it’s terrifying me.” Jill paused to wipe the tears falling down her cheeks, “I don’t want to lose her.”

  Joni’s heart sank. She could see the pain in Jill as it reflected a vivid scarlet hue in her aura. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?” She knew Jackie’s version of things and what she thought was going on, but now she wanted to hear it from the source.

  “I knew it would be hard when Molly was gone. When Jackie and I would talk about the hypothetical, we tried to have an idea or a plan of what to do. I know she loved her too and I’m not trying to diminish that or make this all about me. I thought I would be able to handle this, I’m not so fragile that I would collapse because my dog died…or at least that’s what I thought. I knew with Jackie by my side we would get through this and move on with our amazing life together. But this….” Jill’s glance fell on her lap and her twiddling fingers…she took a deep breath as if she was willing strength to the forefront. “This has blindsided me.”

  “In what way?”

  Jill raised an eyebrow as her attention was focused back on the blonde gypsy sitting across from her. “Molly died in my arms and when that happened, it brought back the memories of my son. Not only of losing him, but the pain and hopelessness that I suffered through. I battled it for weeks, but….”

  “Did you tell Jackie any of this?”

  Jill shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Jill, don’t be sorry. I’m not here to judge you or tell you what to do. What you are experiencing is a manifestation of the most painful time in your life through the loss of your dog and your son, and the similarities in which they both left this world. But what you are attaching to this memory is the memories of abandonment which was the cause of your hopelessness. Has Jackie acted in any similar ways that your ex-husband did?”

  Jill shook her head again. She began to feel like a chastised child.

  “If she has been there for you in every way, why are you shutting her out?”

  Jill realized that Jackie had been talking to her sister about the situation and she didn’t blame her one bit. She had become absent in the relationship just the way Bill had when James died. But she couldn’t understand why. “I don’t know…all I know is sometimes I can’t even look into her expectant eyes because I feel so damaged. I feel like I’m ruining everything and I don’t know how to stop.”

  “Do you still love her?”

  Jill’s eyes pinched tight trying to stop the tears from falling as she nodded her head, “Yes…so very much.”

  This time Joni sighed loudly, “Look, it’s easy for me to say all the things that you already know. What you went through when you lost your baby and subsequently your husband was very traumatic. What happened with your dog has brought these feelings of fear, inadequacy, and self-preservation out again. This is all normal. However, it is a different situation with completely different players. This is what you have to realize. Even if you have to tell yourself every five seconds until the grips of the anxiety and fear will loosen. But you have to try. Because I will tell you that Jackie is already feeling like she’s losing you to this. She is feeling inadequate…and with you and her both feeling that way, it won’t bolster anything but more distance between the two of you until the foundation of your love is fatally damaged.”

  Jill’s hand found her chest as she rapidly shook her head from side to side while the tears poured down her face. “What can I do, please help me. I don’t know how to fix this.”

  “Because you couldn’t fix what happened with your husband and because he left the relationship and left you to deal with it all on your own, you are trying to fix it on your own…and you will fail.”

  Jill’s eyes grew wide and she felt the anxiety begin to overtake her.

  “I know she loves you and she is terrified she’s losing you. That should give you hope to know that you are not in this alone. She is there waiting for you, waiting and hoping that any attempt she makes at trying to help would not be met with resistance.” Joni reached across the arm of the chair to place a comforting hand on Jill’s knee. “I’m gonna give you the same advice I gave Jackie a little over a year ago. If you’re afraid of losing her, then make an effort not to.”

  Jackie spent the afternoon trying to prepare one of Joni’s fabulous Italian dishes, eggplant parmesan, linguine, homemade escarole soup and of course some of that amazing Italian bread from Zanetti's. But something didn’t quite translate from the recipe she had written down for her yesterday afternoon when Jackie had stopped by to cry on her sister’s shoulder. She thought it was strange when Joni encouraged her to take the following afternoon off to prepare the feast. Joni told her to put out candles, open a bottle of wine and put on some romantic music. It was to be her last ditch effort before the ‘I’m unhappy’ talk. Since Molly died Jackie has seen less and less of Jill and again those feelings arose that plagued her with Suzanne, always justifying her reasons for not jumping into things…but of course, she took the risk again, leaving her pail behind and cursing herself for letting herself fall again.

  Joni had insisted this take place on this dank and cold fall evening. She wasn’t even sure when Jill would be home, if she would be home. Seemed she had stopped letting Jackie know her schedule weeks ago. But here she sat at 6:00 p.m. with the only light in the apartment being the flicker of a candle. She sipped from her glass of pinot noir hoping for some liquid courage if Jill came home before the slightly charred smell of the eggplant became stale and sour.

  She started the playlist she made months ago, one of all romantic songs. It was the sad ‘over love’ song by James Bay ‘Let it Go.’ And she wondered if this love was savable. Jill was in a faraway dark place that she wasn’t permitted to enter and with no way to understand much less help, how would they survive this. One thing she did know was that this love was worth saving, she wasn’t ready to let it go…not without a fight.

  She pushed the tears from her eyes, swallowed the rest of the wine in her glass and passed the song making a mental no
te to delete from the playlist. She poured herself another glass then glanced at her reflection in the window while she took a large sip. She had pulled out all the stops, she could walk the red carpet at any posh event the way she was dressed and made up. She hoped to God something would wake up her sleeping beauty and giggled when she said the words aloud, “true love’s kiss”.

  It was 6:45 p.m. when Jill walked from the elevator to her door dragging her feet with each step. Joni had kept her for close to two hours and she was exhausted having her psyche probed and although it was her idea, she didn’t know the toll it would take.

  As she put her key in the door she tried to swallow the giant lump in her throat unsure if she would find Jackie home or not. What would she say if she was home? It had been so awkward when they both were home together for the past month, neither knowing how to change it…even knowing what to say. So they both sat at opposite ends of the sofa watching TV until one of them left for bed with barely a word of ‘good night’ and certainly a kiss good night was a long ago memory.

  When she walked through the threshold letting the door fall shut behind her, she could smell sauce and garlic wafting down the hall. Without a wonder or a thought she walked down the darkened hall towards a faint light she saw reflected in the darkened windows and when she entered into the expanse of the living room she gasped at the sight of Jackie standing there surrounded by the glow of the candles. “Oh my God.” She whispered as her girlfriend closed the distance with two wine glasses.

  “I’m so glad you’re home,” Jackie said in her raspy voice as she handed Jill the glass.

  Jill’s stomach clenched when Jackie kissed her cheek. “Thank you.” She said as she gulped down the purple liquid.