The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Tuesday 8 September [Halifax]

  This meeting with Miss Browne seems to have stimulated & roused me altogether. I cannot live happily without female company, without someone to interest me… In the afternoon at 3.40, set off to Halifax. Went down the old bank & up Horton Street to the library… Miss Browne, not making her appearance, walked towards Westfield & met her at Blackwall. Turned back with her to the library… Asked her to walk. Found she had promised her mother to be back at 5; that her time was seldom her own; that ‘mama’ always inquires where she has been; that she did not like to see her poring over books in the daytime, but that she was kept stitching & attending to domestic concerns… Miss Browne is the most modest, unassuming, innocent girl (yet not wanting good sense) I ever met with. She is not brilliant. In fact, she has other things to do & reads by stealth. She said her mother, she believes, was thought a sensible woman by those who know her; that she had a most high opinion of me & told her how much she was honoured by my taking notice of her. My whole strain of conversation was complimentary & calculated to impress her with the idea how much I was interested about her. Desired her to bring her heart safe back from Chesterfield & Sheffield – that I thought it was a heart worth having & begged her not to throw it away. She seemed much pleased at my telling her she must walk with me some afternoon & drink tea at Shibden. Just before we parted I asked if she believed all I said. The poor girl said no. I begged her, at any rate, to be persuaded that I myself believed it, as she would not hesitate to allow if she knew how little given to flattery my conversation was to people in general… She modestly said, ‘Well, I must understand you’… looked modest & seemed rather at a loss… If I mistake not, she is more than flattered. What girl under such circumstances would not be flattered, & more interested than she might possibly be aware. I shook hands with her cordially. She modestly walked up to the house without once looking aside.

  Wednesday 9 September [Halifax]

  Sat 20 minutes at Northgate. A sad parting [from relatives who had been staying with Aunt Lister]. They got off 10 minutes before 11. Got to the Albion at Manchester by 4. Bitter complaints of the dirt & uncomfortableness of the house. A great many soldiers there & the town full of military in consequence of the late disturbances made by the cotton spinners to have their wages raised, & yet many of these very men can earn 3 guineas a week.

  Thursday 10 September [Halifax]

  At 3½, my aunt & father & Marian & I set off to Halifax. Took them to Furniss, the sadler, to look at my basket I ordered on Saturday. Made an inch every way larger than the order, & even the order too big for my purpose. Set off to Elland to order another (24 in by 14, and 8 in deep inside) and desired it to be sent to Furniss on Saturday. Had a pleasant walk, tho’ a few drops of rain on my return. Went the low way to Salterhebble but came back along the high road & a little on this [road], a very civil, well-dressed traveller, I suppose, in a neat gig, offered me a seat as it seemed so likely for rain. This, however, I civilly declined &, having parted with my aunt at the top of Horton Street at 4.25, walked from thence to the basket-makers in Elland & back to my Aunt Lister’s at Northgate in an hour & 40 minutes, a distance of more than 6 miles. Staid a little while at Northgate, walked from there with my Aunt Anne & got home at 6.40. Told her I met Miss Browne on Tuesday & walked with her to the 1st milestone beyond Salterhebble & repeated a part of our conversation in as much as it told to Miss Browne’s credit. My aunt expressed no dislike nor surprise at the thing.

  Saturday 12 September [Halifax]

  Letter from Mrs Norcliffe (Langton, Malton)… Kindly desires me to fix an early day for going… Looking over my things to see what I should want doing & at 1.40 set off to Halifax to see if my basket was done. Paid the man 6s. for it & got him to take the other back by giving him 4s., so that the charge being 7/6, I have lost little more than half.

  Sunday 13 September [Halifax]

  Set off at 6… to the lecture… Walked out of church with the fair one, meaning to have turned down by the vicarage but she said she was afraid she should not have seen me & wished so much that she had the courage to walk up the bank with me that I then said I would walk a little way with her. She envied my courage. This, I said, like all other qualifications of the mind, might be gained at last by practice… Miss Browne then asked me if I should be in the library on Tuesday. I said yes & in spite of the great deal she had to do, she offered to meet me at 4. In fact, she now begins to shew that she is as much pleased with me as I can wish. When she told me she was afraid I had not gone to the lecture for she could not see me on account of the number of people between us, I said I knew her & her sisters by their bonnets, particularly the drooping flowers in them, both which, together with the ribband [sic], I thought the prettiest I had seen. She seemed pleased, saying she thought I did not notice such things as these. I said no, not in general. Some people might have sacks about their heads & I not know, but there were some whose ribands I could count over for the last seven years.

  Anne makes preparations to go to the Norcliffes’ house, Langton Hall, arranging to stay overnight at York with the Belcombes.

  Monday 14 September [Halifax]

  Till 7, writing my journal of yesterday, all but the 1st 9 lines, & wrote a couple of pp. to Mrs Norcliffe to thank her for her letter & fix the day for coming. ‘The mail, I suppose, gets into Malton about 4 in the morning. Now, if people at the inn had a chaise ready for me, I should be at Langton about 5 and if Burnett10 or some one would quietly let me in, could go to bed for an hour or two & disturb no one else.’ After breakfast wrote a note to Parsons [in York] to desire him to be at home to cut my hair between 9 & 10 on Thursday night. Gave it to my father to put into the York P.O. as also (to save her the postage so far) my letter to Mrs Norcliffe, Langton, Malton. Walked with my father & Marian to Halifax… Never had so disagreeable walk in my life. A high wind blew clouds of dust full in our faces, & small rain made it stick like plaster… Went to the White Lion & saw them both off in the Highflier (for Market Weighton) at 11½ by the church clock.

  Anne undertook a round of farewell visits to her friends in Halifax, as she would not be back there until towards the end of December. She met Miss Browne for the last time until her return; Miss Browne also went on extended visits to relatives.

  Tuesday 15 September [Halifax]

  At 3½ set off to Halifax again. Went to a shop or 2 & got to the library as the church clock struck 4. Miss Browne came in a minute or 2 after & just escaped a heavy shower which kept us prisoners some time. She said she had left her sister making shoppings, who wondered what could induce her to run up to the library in such a hurry. She said she had promised her mother to be back by half-past four, but she made no difficulty about taking a walk, even tho’ it exceedingly threatened rain & she would not leave the library before it was quite fair because of spoiling her green lustre gown. I said if she did I would offer to give her another but it would be so impertinent. She replied, not impertinent but unnecessary. We walked by Blackwall… to King Cross. About 100 yds from here it began to rain. She wanted to turn back but I said we had better go on & take shelter in the inn. She consented after a few ‘hems’ & ‘hahs’ & the woman civilly shewed us into a room by ourselves where we staid about 12 minutes, not at all to the lady’s annoyance. I told her her gown sleeves were rather too wide & that her frill was not put on straight. I took it off & put it on again, taking three trials to it before I would be satisfied. She did not seem to dislike the thing, nor to be unhappy in my society. I think if I chose to persevere, I can bring the thing to what terms I please… I observed, however… that she had dirty nails & that her gown sleeves were not lined & she had no loose sleeves on. Is she very tidy? But she is pretty & I thought of what I should not… They are to set off for Sheffield tomorrow at 5 in the morning… In the evening, as also last night after supper, making a bag of oiled cotton to hold my sponge & toothbrush.

  Wednesday 16 September [Halifax]

  Busy all the day about g
etting my things ready. Mending, & in the afternoon & evening, making a lining for my basket. Came upstairs at 10½. Counted over my money, etc. Began packing about 12 & had all quite done at 3½… Dawdled so long that I was not in bed till 5.

  Thursday 17 September [Langton]

  My aunt, having determined to go with me as far as York, to put herself under the care of Mr Horner, the dentist, we set off at 11, & my uncle walked with us to Northgate. Tired of sitting at Northgate, I went to the White Lion &, tho’ I had an inside place in the Highflier, mounted the box with the coachman. It began to rain a couple of miles from Halifax & came on so heavily that I got inside at the inn on Clayton Heights… Set off from Halifax at 11.40. Got to Leeds at 3, where we had a wretched dinner, to Tadcaster at 6 (I on the box from Leeds to Tadcaster) and reached the Tavern, York, at 7½. Stopped & left my aunt’s luggage at the George Inn in Coney Street as we passed… I hastened to make 1 or 2 shoppings, to get my hair cut, inquired if Mr Horner was at home & ordered about my aunt’s rooms at the George. Preferred going alone &, tho’ at this early hour, (about 8), one could not walk about unobserved. Some men & women declared I was a man. Did all my jobs to my satisfaction & then went to Parsons who, as he cut me close behind, & curled my hair like the crest of a helmet at the top of my head, as they wore it 8 or 10 years ago, amused me with an account of his month’s visit to Paris last June. He went in the cabriolet of the diligence &, excellent provisions, was franked from the White Bear, Piccadilly, to Paris, for £3 18s. He said he found Paris very expensive; that with one thing or another, it cost him 22 or 23 francs a day, but he could manage better another time, for, not being able to speak a word of French, he had gone to the hotel frequented by the Duke of Wellington & all the English, Meurice’s, one of the most expensive hotels in Paris. The Hotel de Suede [Tuede?], near the Italian boulevards, he understood was a very good one. Speaking of the shameful badness of the police of York, he said tho’ there was certainly a great deal of vice in Paris, yet it was kept so entirely out of the way of all those who did not seek for it, that no one would be annoyed in the streets of Paris at any hour unless they chose it, for the bad women were only to be distinguished by looking behind them or on one side, since they durst not speak first. Got to the Belcombes’ at 9. I had tea & my aunt went away in ½ hour. Thinking of meeting the Norcliffes rather agitated me11 & my spirits were anything but buoyant. Anne, however, soon assured me that no fault was to be found with the spirits of the party at Langton. Mr & Mrs Norcliffe looked as usual. Charlotte12 had stayed all night there with Harriet [Milne née Belcombe] & Isabella had given them imitations of Talma.13 Anne & I had about 20 minutes tête-à-tête after the rest went to bed… Left Anne a few minutes before 12 & James went with me to the Black Swan in Coney St. where he had secured me a place in the Whitby mail… There were several bad women standing about the mail. They would have it I was a man & one of them gave me a familiar knock on the left breast & would have persisted in following me but for James. Paced about one of the front parlours at the Swan till 20 minutes past 12, when we drove off… Got to Malton at 3. Found a note from Mrs Norcliffe, who had ordered a bed to be ready for me & said it would be soon enough if I ordered the chaise at 8½ in the morning. In about an hour, just as I was dropping asleep over the kitchen fire, the chamber-maid, seemingly in her teens, made her appearance. She shewed me into a large, double-bedded room which, however, on examination, she found to be preoccupied. She then took me into a small back room, where the bed was literally smoking from some gentleman who had just left it. This, however, I was too sleepy to mind &, seeing that it was, in good truth, clean-sheeted, ordered up my luggage, jumped into my friend’s birth [sic] which needed no warming, & slept soundly for a couple of hours & a half.

  The house party at Langton Hall consisted of the family – Mr and Mrs Norcliffe, Isabella, Mary (now the widowed Mrs Best), Mary’s two little girls, Rosamond, aged ten and Mary Ellen, aged nine, Charlotte Norcliffe and Anne herself. There was also a friend of the Norcliffes staying, Miss Mary Vallance, a brewer’s daughter, from Sittingbourne, Kent. The Norcliffes had spent some time touring Europe and Anne was both apprehensive and excited about her meeting with Isabella, after almost three years’ absence. Earlier in the year, thinking about their impending reunion, Anne had indulged in a little fantasising. On 12 February, 1818, she had confided her thoughts to her journal: ‘… Lay in bed thinking & building castles about Isabella, as in fact I did last Saturday. How fond she would be, what sort of kisses she would give. Whether Miss Vallance would find us out.’ However, later in the year, when she arrived at the Hall around nine-forty on the morning of Friday 18 September, the romantic dreams were soon dispersed. That first night together, about which Anne had fantasised earlier, was not a success.

  Friday 18 September [Langton]

  I had been asleep about 2½ hours when the chamber-maid awoke me at 7½. Ordered a chaise to be ready a little before 9… The hostess, very neatly dressed, came to the door to see me off & I was on my way here at 9. The man drove me by the wold in 40 minutes. Nobody downstairs. Isabella Norcliffe in her dressing-gown waiting to receive me in my own (the blue) room. She seemed a good deal agitated at 1st, but when this went off, I thought her fatter than when I saw her last & looking remarkably well… Took off my pelisse & went down to breakfast a bit before 11. Mr & Mrs Norcliffe seemed glad to see me & I very sincerely rejoiced to find them in spirits so much better than (before seeing Anne Belcombe) I fancied they would be.

  Saturday 19 September [Langton]

  Tried for a kiss a considerable time last night but Isabella was as dry as a stick & I could not succeed. At least she had not one & I felt very little indeed. She was very feverish, quite dry heat & seemed quite annoyed & fidgeted herself exceedingly at our want of success, saying she had grown fit for nothing & asking what could be the matter with her. It was certainly odd as she by no means seemed to want passion. I carried the thing off as well as I could, that is to say very well, tho’ I confess I felt surprised & disappointed. Went to sleep in about an hour. Tried again just before getting up & succeeded a little better, tho’ far from well.

  The next night saw an improvement but by the third night Anne was beginning to have reservations.

  Monday 21 September [Langton]

  [Isabella] dotes on me & her constancy is admirable & her wish to oblige & please me overcomes every other, yet her passions seem impotent without the strong excitement of grossness & her sentiments are very far from being those I most admire. But so far she is improved in temper. She has seen a great deal of vice abroad & heard a great deal of loose conversation. Her mind is not pure enough for me, but time must tell the event of our connection… Just before dinner, Isabella gave me a prayer book in 14 languages which she brought me from Venice.

  Tuesday 22 September [Langton]

  Mr Norcliffe, Isabella & I… went a coursing at 2 & were out a couple of hours. After ranging about almost an hour, found a couple of hares on the wold. The dogs worried them almost to their seats. Went into the stubble fields – worried another poor thing, & killed 2 more after 2 fine runs, the greater part of which, to my sorrow, as we did not follow, we could not see. I rode Butcher Bob’s poney [sic] & was exceedingly tired from not having ridden of so long. Charlotte lent me her habit.

  Saturday 10 October [Langton]

  Soon after breakfast, Miss Albinia Dalbiac [one of a family of new arrivals who had joined the house party] stole away by ourselves into the drawing-room & sat down to chess. I lost 1 & won 2 games.

  Monday 12 October [Langton]

  Walked with Miss Vallance a couple of hours on the wold. After supper, Isabella Norcliffe put on the dress in which she had acted at Florence, & gave us the part of Constance in the Earl of Warwick. Very well done – and a most spirited &, Mr & Mrs Norcliffe agreed, most like, imitation of Talma in Hamlet on the French stage. Isabella’s talents for the stage are certainly first-rate.

  Anne leaves Langton Hall on 2 November to visit a
n old Halifax friend, Ellen Empson, now living at Elvington. The Norcliffes left their home also, to travel south for the winter in order to improve Charlotte’s health.

  Monday 2 November [Elvington]

  All of us set off from Langton… at ¼ before 12… Arrived at Fisher’s door in York at 20 minutes past 2… Set off in Mr Empson’s gig a little after 5 & reached Elvington a little after 6. Ellen seemed very glad to see me & she & Mr Empson were looking well. Put by all my things before getting into bed.

  Tuesday 3 November [Elvington]

  Three walnuts after dinner must have disagreed with me. About 7½, felt a universal sensation of pricking & swelling, & went in a hurry to bed. Crimson all over me. Every feature double its size & much pain in my head & stomach. Lay till 10½ when, being better, (tho’ still very crimson & swell’d)… added a page to my letter to Marian & wrote 2½ pp. to Miss Marsh, Micklegate, York, leaving the letters at my door to go early in the morning.

  Wednesday 4 November [Elvington]

  Had a tolerable night but rather swell’d & headachy this morning. Read the 1st four letters of The Fudge Family in Paris. 1 vol. 12 more lately published. Edited by the author of the 2 penny post-bag. In verse. (Amusing & ridiculous enough.) Mr & Mrs Empson went to York in the gig at 11… brought my trunk & the golden gage plum tree Mr Norcliffe had given me & which ought to have been sent to Shibden immediately.