The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Friday 19 February [Halifax]

  Wrote in this book the journal of yesterday. I might exclaim with Virgil, ‘In tenui labor!’ But I am resolved not to let my life pass without some private memorial that I may hereafter read, perhaps with a smile, when Time has frozen up the channel of those sentiments which flow so freshly now.

  Monday 22 February [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, at 3.35, went by Benjamin Bottomley’s to John Oates, at Stump Cross. Staid there 35 minutes. Saw a large electrifying machine he had just finished. Received one very slight shock, the first I ever had in my life.

  Tuesday 23 February [Halifax]

  Sadly disappointed at not meeting Miss Browne. I had little pleasure in my walk. Wondered whether she was ill or whether, as I would not call, she meant to give up seeing me. Felt the want of some companion whom I could love & the thought made me very vapourish. It was some comfort to ejaculate a prayer for God’s mercy. For the last month, or six weeks, I have generally, through the grace of the Almighty, contemplated his mercy during my walks.

  Thursday 25 February [Halifax]

  By Blackwall & Royston Rd to King Cross. Miss Browne joined me as I passed their house… Whether I call on her or not, she could not easily make up her mind to give up our walks. At a party the other evening at the Greenwoods’ of Bankfield, Miss Browne not there, Mrs Browne overheard Miss Ramsden & Miss Caroline Greenwood talking of Miss Lister & Miss Browne. The latter, among other things, said I should think it too great a condescension to call on Miss Browne. All this makes the subject become very tender with Mrs Browne. She said, ‘Elizabeth, I will not have you talked about.’… I said… that I would think about the thing & really would call, by & by. She said she should be very much obliged to me, that she did not deserve it but should be very much obliged. Of course, I bade her not to talk in this way, said I could not withstand that, & only gave her to understand how exclusively my call would be on her… Called at James Crossley’s for some toothbrushes & at Metcalfe’s about getting my old umbrella covered.

  Tuesday 2 March [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, at 3¼, down the old bank to the library. Miss Maria Browne there. Came up to me to say her sister had so bad a cold & cough & was so unwell, she could not possibly stir out today or, indeed, she scarce knew when. Expressed my sorrow, staid a few minutes & set off my usual walk, musing whether to call or not. I had made up my mind to call sometime, perhaps soon. If you do a thing, do it with the best grace possible & deserve all the merit you can. In the early stage of Johnson’s dictionary, Lord Chesterfield refused his patronage. Some time afterwards, seeing the good fortune of the work, he offered it. Said the Doctor in his letter of reply, ‘Had it been earlier, it had been kinder…’ I walked slowly up Royston Rd, stopped a moment at the gate; felt, I know not how, nervous; went in, found Miss Browne, not perhaps quite so unwell as I expected, sitting on the sopha [sic] reading the last canto of Childe Harold. Would not let her send for her mother till I had sat 40 minutes tête-à-tête with herself. Obliged & pleased by my calling. Well she might! Sat ½ hour after Mrs Browne made her appearance. A good sort of looking woman, who may possibly fill the office of grand-conversationalist of the family & not vulgar as I expected from the accounts of the Greenwoods, whose own mother, by the way, is by very many degrees the worse of the 2.

  Wednesday 3 March [Halifax]

  Spent all the evening talking to my aunt… about going to France, perhaps by myself in the autumn or with Tib [Isabella] in the spring of next year. My aunt is really good in giving in to all my wishes & says she will save money. No objection to my going by myself but the fear of my being ill. May perhaps go with me herself. I calculate forty pounds for our travelling expences [sic] & twelve or fifteen for three weeks in Paris… Talked of my ambition in the literary way, of my wish for a name in the world, all which she will second. She really is very good & is surely fond & proud of me. Talked of my fancy for Miss Browne. Told her I had gone to the lectures for no other purpose than to see her. She said she knew very well & that I should like Miss Browne better than Tib or M—, if I durst. No, that, I said, is a different thing. If I had had M— with me I should probably not have known Miss Browne at all, tho’ I should have & felt, & said I admired her notwithstanding.

  Wednesday 10 March [Halifax]

  In the afternoon… to Well-head… Mrs W— received me very civilly. Talking of Mr Knight’s father having been a collier employed both at Shibden & by the Walkers of Crow Nest led us to religious subjects & I was surprised to find Mrs W— apparently much less tainted with unitarian principle than I supposed, her mother & all her mother’s family being Socinians. Mrs W— asked after Miss Browne, as she did also the last time I saw her, & wondered how it was I had taken a fancy to her. I said she was just the mild, modest, unassuming sort of girl I always did take a fancy to & told how [I] had scraped acquaintance at Dalton’s lecture & had walked with her from church on a Sunday after morning service & after the lecture in the evening. Mrs W— thinks me very odd & asked if it was owing to education. I said no, I had not begun the sort of education she meant till my native character was sufficiently developed. I was fifteen when I first went to Mrs Knight. Was always a great pickle, never learnt anything at school. Was always talking to the girls instead of attending to my book. Talked a little of my being whipped every day at Ripon.2

  Thursday 11 March [Halifax]

  At 3.35, down the new bank to the library… Miss Browne came in, fancying me later than usual… Her brother is returned from Glasgow & he is not so averse as he was to her marrying Mr William Kelly. I see it will be a match. I told her to tell me in time as I should have to go immediately to the waters of Lethe.3 She hoped not. She hoped to see me when she was far away from here & it would be my own fault if she did [not]. I said she should not call it my fault but I should make up my mind never to behold her again & I must try to forget her as soon as I could.

  From this point, Anne’s interest in Miss Browne dwindled. The marriage between Miss Browne and Mr Kelly did indeed take place on 28 September 1820. The references to her grow less and less frequent as the time approached.

  Thursday 18 March [Halifax]

  In the evening, between 8 & 9, read from pp.263 to 307, vol.1, Gibbon’s Miscellaneous Works. He died in London ¼ before one p.m. 16 January 1794… Was born in 1737. His remains deposited in Lord Sheffield’s family burial place in Sussex. Fine day… (Fire in the hall.)

  Saturday 20 March [Halifax]

  Called at Whitley’s & got the blank book which is to form the next volume of my journal. Sat near ¾ hour at Northgate. My aunt has been told by several people of my attentions to Miss Browne – she comes out & joins me as I pass & we walk arm in arm in the most earnest conversation, yet I have only called once – when she was very ill. My aunt would not believe what they said at first. Walking, etc, with Miss Browne was so unlike me. The thing seems to be the talk & admiration (wonder) of the town.

  Sunday 21 March [Halifax]

  All went to morning church… Came out of church… & Miss Caroline Greenwood, to my astonishment, offering her hand. Shook hands with her. What could make the lady so much more complaisant than she has been ever since my return from York? Did her jealousy of Miss Browne & her mimic dignity of indifference to me slumber awhile? Foolish girl! I never thought of her unless to think that she, like the whole kit of them, is too vulgar to be endurable… My aunt & I read prayers… The screen put before the fireplace in the hall that there will be no more fires this season.

  Monday 22 March [Halifax]

  Did not take my walk as usual on account of dining at 5½ & going to Webster’s lecture in the Assembly room, Talbot Yard, in the evening… Mr Webster is a great, stout man, 6ft 2 or 3 inches high, at least. He seemed to understand his business as a lecturer & performed his experiments very neatly but his oratory is disfigured by frequent instances of bad grammar and an unpolished pronunciation… His explanations were clear & easy of comprehension, I should supp
ose even to Miss Watkinson’s young ladies4 who lined the front bench. Speaking of the aggregation of chemical elements; ‘Let us take a gr. of shot, for instance, for the sake of obtaining some tangible idea’ – what would Locke5 have said of some tangible idea? However, after reading Mr Webster’s book on chemical & natural philosophy & not remembering or observed in it any heinous sins against grammar, I did not expect that his oral language would be so thickly strewn with the misuse of the person of his verbs.

  Saturday 27 March [Halifax]

  In the afternoon at 3.40, down the old bank to the library… No Miss Browne. I could have said, changing only the gender, (as Gibbons wrote to Deyverdun, vol. 1. 604/703), ‘Êtes vous mort? Êtes vous malade? Avez [vous] changé d’avis? Est-il survenu des difficultés?’6 I wished to see her for, as Gibbon afterwards observed… ‘Such is our imperfect nature that dissipation is a far more efficacious remedy than reflection.’ My mind dwelt on M—… It struck me, if we should not meet for years & then, when she expected our being together, if I should be disappointed with her looks, etc, seen her grow old in the service of another, could I then cordially wish to realize the scheme of early days? If I should, by & by, meet with anyone who would quite suit me, could I refuse & still lose a substance to expect a shadow?

  Wednesday 31 March [Halifax]

  Went to… Mrs Stansfield Rawson’s, Savile Green. Got there a few minutes after 4. I was just thinking I should be obliged to tell Mrs Rawson I was afraid of needing an introduction (I only remember having seen her once, at a party at Mrs Ramsden’s 7 or 8 years ago when I think I was not introduced & I met her walking with her husband one evening last summer & we moved to each other) when she herself opened the door for me, held out her hand & said she was delighted that anything had induced me to go there. This gave me my queue [sic]. We all talked away as if we had been in the habit of visiting for years. The forms of etiquette need not involuntarily trouble anyone here… Miss Rawson (Catherine) put on the costume of the island of Mycone [Mycene?], white, reaching only to the knees, as if to shew the red worsted stockings & slippers down at the heels of the ladies of the island. A curious sort of dress but in which Miss Rawson looked uncommonly well. She is pretty, a handsome, elegant looking girl.

  Saturday 3 April [Halifax]

  At 4.35 set off to call at Cross-hills on Miss Ellen Greenwood from Burnley. Mrs Greenwood opened the door for me. As I entered the little room, saw at least one of the young ladies making her escape down the stairs. After sitting a good while with the old lady (she seemed to have dined & to clip the King’s English a little), Miss Greenwood & Miss Susan made their appearance. Miss Ellen & Miss Caroline were dressing for a party at Dr G. Alexander’s. They are a sad, vulgar set & heaven forgive me if I wrong the mater familias, but I verily believe that, when I have seen her, she has often been more diligent in the potion way than, for her spirit’s sake, was necessary. I really must shirk the whole squad somehow or other.

  Monday 5 April [Halifax]

  As it seems now fixed for my aunt & I to set off to Paris on the 12th, next month, it is time for me to attend to French in earnest… In the afternoon, at 5.35, down the new bank to the Saltmarshes’… Mrs Waterhouse called for us & we 3 went to the lecture… Mr Jeremiah Rawson came in soon after us & Mr Waterhouse when the lecture was ½ over. All went away together. In passing Mrs Smurfitt’s door, Emma proposed having some hot meat pies. We all went in, sat round the kitchen fire, ate a hot veal pie (price 3d.) & had 6d. worth of ale, the greater part of which & one pie, fell to the lot of my uncle’s man, William Green, who wondered, doubtless, what was become of us all &, I not liking him to stand starving at the door, was called in. Heating & eating the pies took up 25 minutes. We all walked home with Emma. She wanted to go in & sup, & the rest might & would apparently have been persuaded, but I said I was the steadiest of the party & thought we had much better let her go to bed & go home ourselves. Emma wanted to rap at their aunt Catherine’s window & frighten her as we passed & they would have done so, but I said, ‘No, that would be too giddy a trick.’ Jerry Rawson joked about who was to pay for the pies, etc. Mr Waterhouse paid. Jerry threw down a shillling saying, ‘Come, I will give you that towards them;’ He is a sad, vulgar dog. Returned down the north parade & got home at 10.20.

  Friday 9 April [Halifax]

  [Good Friday] All went to morning church & staid the sacrament… Walked from church with Miss Caroline & her cousin, Miss Ellen, Greenwood, & they accompanied me over the bridge to the bottom of the bank. Miss Caroline introduced the subject of Miss Browne by observing how much I staid at home [Miss Browne was away from home just then] &, on my saying I went out every day but got home from my walks as soon as I could, she said, ‘No, not always. I have seen you when you have not seen me, walking very leisurely in that shady lane near Mrs Wilcock’s.’ [Anne’s usual walk with Miss Browne.] ‘Oh,’ said I, ‘That is when I am settling the affairs of the nation with my prime minister.’ She caught at the term. I said it was inconsiderately made use of as it expressed a subordinate situation. I asked her to choose a term for me. She replied, ‘Angel.’ I answered I should have many orders of angels & as she had invented the term for me, begged she would take the first rank. She should be called Angelica, the other Ministeria. She told me my mind was so engrossed with this new object it effaced all others & I forgot old ones. I said she never made a worse hit, for that my mind was the most convenient, capacious concern possible. It admitted new impressions without crowding or incommoding old ones & that all things keep their proper places. She said the last time I saw her I would not have the word friendship made use of. I answered I was wrong then, that it was friendship. She denied this, saying it could not be, for I should think of circumstance & situation. I said I never minded these. She asked me to give my sentiment a name. I answered it was perfect esteem, but desired her to give it a name. She replied, ‘Enthusiasm. A passion that would only last a short while.’ I said that, in consequence of hearing a report of my choosing to walk with Miss Browne, yet not to call on her I had called & sat half an hour with her & meant to do myself the honour of calling again as soon as she returned. She seemed astonished & incredulous, but I confirmed the thing. She asked if the ladies had returned the call. I answered Miss Browne had been ill. She asked how I liked ‘scrawk’, Mrs Browne. I said better than I expected. Very well, for I had heard so much of ‘slobbering in the pot’, etc, I scarce expected to find her presentable. Miss Caroline likes me certainly, after all, & did not seem to dislike the opportunity of saying all this to me. I never offered my arm but walked by the side. Miss Ellen Greenwood apologized for not having called but waited for Miss Caroline to accompany [her] who had no shoes till she got some (expected) from Leeds.