by Mima
There were days that Chase felt like it couldn’t really be happening but it was. Angel came home for her Christmas break and demonstrated her sorrow over their father’s deteriorating health. It was her final year of university and vital that she do well, now that she settled on a Bachelor of English with feminist something or another; Chase didn’t understand what this meant in the real world but decided he would appear stupid if he asked, so he didn’t.
Angel and their dad were always close; whereas, Chase felt distanced from his father. It didn’t make it any easier to see him fade away, suddenly realizing that life was only temporary and there were no promises, it seemed to renew something inside himself. There were days, he felt a glimmer of hope, the lost 18-year-old from two years earlier had returned, reminding him that his life was more than babies and bitter, demanding women. He was still in there, somewhere, waiting to be dug back out again.
It was shortly after Angel’s return from school that Carl Jacobs died peacefully in his sleep. It was as if he waited for his favorite child to return home, sitting on his bedside, she said he opened his eyes and stared at her for a moment and seemed to nod, before closing his eyes forever. It sounded so beautiful when she repeated it and although Chase hugged her as she sobbed, he felt nothing. His own relationship with their father had never been strong, flimsy at best, especially since Chase was kicked out. It was almost as if a stranger died. He didn’t shed a tear during or before the funeral. How could he mourn a man that barely lived, but went through the motions? Would Chase be the same?
In truth, it was that thought that really haunted him, brought sorrow to his heart. Was his faith the same? Was he already dead, just not yet in the ground; too busy being everyone’s puppet on a string, going through the motions of this excuse for a life?
And that’s when he cried.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
His mother believed that it was a bad omen to light a candle unless it was during a power outage. Louise Jacobs insisted that doing so for any other reason was a way of ‘inviting darkness into your life’ and therefore, the children were never allowed candles on their birthday cake nor could Angel ever light a candle in her room; it was unacceptable in their mother’s eyes. She insisted that a terrible tragedy would follow.
Several days before Carl Jacobs’ death, apparently, she arrived at her son’s home to discover Audrey had lit a candle. It was an innocent act that was meant to freshen the air in a home that smelled like baby shit; she had forgotten about her mother-in-law’s peculiar beliefs regarding candles and was stunned when the older woman blasted her for such an ‘inconsiderate act’. Audrey attempted to calm the older woman with the assumption that her irrational beliefs stemmed from grief and anguish due to Carl’s deteriorating state.
“Chase, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think your mother might suffer from some form of mental illness,” Audrey said to him one morning over breakfast, as he wolfed down a huge bowl of steel cut oats and attempted to scan his phone for news. He almost choked on a strawberry that was combined in the mixture and immediately began to laugh.
“Really, Audrey? All these great psychology classes you took in college and the ones you take online now, and you just started to see that my mother has a mental illness?” Chase asked and felt laughter rise from his belly and light his whole body on fire, as he considered her attempt to make a serious diagnose of something that was crystal clear to the most uneducated person. “Really? What was the first clue? When she practically threw herself on dad’s casket at the funeral and made a huge scene or when she insisted that the name ‘Leland’ was actually evil and he was cursed? I mean, how many clues did you need?”
“It helps me understand your issues more clearly,” she continued, ignoring his attempts to belittle her suggestion, purposely showing her as little respect as possible. Audrey always bragged up her education as if he were a moron in comparison and took herself a little too seriously, so it was nice to remind her that even he was able to make an uneducated guess.
“Sure, Audrey,” Chase said in the most patronizing voice he could find, unconcerned with hurting her feelings; in fact, since his father’s death, he somehow felt more free, as if nothing owned him anymore, like no one had a grasp on him. He had even seriously considered leaving Audrey. Perhaps, the best way was to do everything in his power to make her hate him. It was better that she hate him than he hated himself.
“Your mother’s odd behavior made you into this weak man, who feels the need to ‘look after’ women, in some discipline or another, to have their approval,” She continued to ramble as Chase finished his oatmeal and gulped the remainder of his coffee. “She controlled your life, I see that now. She made you scared of everything.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Audrey?” Chase took his bowl and cup to the sink, carefully rinsing out both of them.
“Look, you even rinse out all your dishes, just like your mommy use to tell you to do,” Audrey attempted to poke at him but Chase didn’t care. He could see what she was doing. In fact, she did it all the time. If Audrey could somehow needle at him to start a fight, she did. A few times she was successful but most of the time it didn’t work. Chase didn’t give a fuck what she thought or said. It was irrelevant. As long as she looked after the kids, he didn’t give a crap what she did.
“It’s called common courtesy,” Chase calmly replied, as he returned to the table and reached for the phone, sliding it in his pocket. “You might want to look into that while studying all your psychology books.”
Ignoring his last remark, she continued. “Did your mother molest you?”
“What?” his reply was sharper than he meant it to be but the ridiculous comment was too shocking to take in a rational, calm manner. “Where the fuck did that come from?”
“Just the way she talks about you,” Audrey replied, her lips barely disguising the smile behind them. “She talks about you as if you’re an Adonis, perfect in every way, lovingly, while she barely talked about your dad even when he was dying.”
“Cause she was in denial of his death,” Chase snapped, suddenly feeling a crushing anger take over where calmness prevailed only seconds later. She knew the buttons to push. “All mothers put their kids on a pedestal. Well, real mothers.”
He threw in the final comment as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door, suddenly uninterested in continuing this conversation, smart enough to realize on what path it was headed. She was trying to egg him.
“I’m a real mother!” she shot back, her voice rushing behind him as she grabbed his arm and pulled him back, almost causing Chase to lose his balance. Instinctively, he attempted to pull his arm from her grasp, as the two started to struggle; him to get away from her, while her to hold on. Upstairs, Leland started to cry, followed by the twins and in that moment, Chase wanted nothing more than to run away and never come back. Frustrated he turned around to tell her to check the kids, that he had to go to work, when he felt his head swing back as a heavy hand tore across his face with such great force, almost knocking him against the nearby wall.
Fury tore through his body like a lightning bolt and he grabbed her by the shoulders, attempting to push her back, but she continued to claw and pummel his chest, her face full of rage, both eyes squinted to almost slits, as if she were suddenly a different form of herself; the ugliest form he had ever seen. Unable to hold her back, unable to stop her from hitting him, he shoved her. Watching her fall to the ground, attempting to grab the kitchen table behind her, Audrey’s eyes were full of terror as she hit the ground and let out a cry.
“Get out!” She screamed and Chase wasted no time in doing so. His heart raced, while anxiety began to replace his original anger, fear of what he had become. If anyone had told him he would ever attack a woman, ever push a woman, Chase never would’ve believed it. He had such respect and admiration for the so-called fairer sex, that the idea of ever hurting a woman
seemed unfathomable; until now.
He wanted to hurt Audrey. He wanted to say the words that sent the sharpest cuts through her soul. He wanted to grab and shake her. He wanted to see her in misery, in pain. He hated her. He hated everything about her; how she looked, the way her voice lazily spoke, slowly, as if to be condescending to those around her, the way she attempted to manipulate and play a different role for everyone. She was one to talk about others having a mental illness! What kind of mother allowed her children to cry non-stop without looking after them? What kind of mother attacked her kid’s father? What the fuck was wrong with her?
Chase was grateful that nosey, old Flora wasn’t out tending to her garden that morning because the last thing he wanted to deal with was her too, on top of everything else. He started the car and tore out of the driveway. It wasn’t the first time, but he was starting to feel like it would soon be the last. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t handle living in that house. He couldn’t handle Audrey. If it wasn’t for the kids, he would’ve been long fucking gone.
But then he looked into his three little boys eyes and his feet were nailed to the ground. He couldn’t leave them with that lunatic. He couldn’t walk away.
Could he?
When he got to work, Chase felt himself cool off; even if just slightly. The parking lot was deserted, which meant that he would be able to work on his boxing; something that always made him feel better. It calmed him. It helped him regain control.
But it didn’t that day.
He was met instead by Harold and the news that felt like a rug was ripped out beneath him. The gym was closing.
“I can’t make it work anymore,” Harold explained, as the two sat in his office. “I had to choose between this and the other gym and this one isn’t doing well, especially with the new exercise classes that are going on in town, a lot of people want something new and different.”
“Can we do something like that here?” Chase felt as though he were grasping at straws, his brain searching for an answer.
“I’ve already thought of it,” Harold confessed and gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, it’s not going to work out. Believe me, I hate delivering this news as much as I’m sure you hate getting it, but I can offer you a great recommendation and of course, if anything comes available at the other gym, I will let you know. I know it’s a bit of a drive but it’s the best I can do right now.”
He had a job until the end of the month. All dreams of leaving Audrey were gone; he was stuck.
Feeling desperate after Harold left, he text Maggie with the entire story. She didn’t reply.
The night was long and no one came in. It was one of the evenings when the specific class that Harold spoke of was taking place. It was always dead on that night.
It angered him that his boss hadn’t made more of an effort to change the situation. Why didn’t he grow, try to introduce new things to the gym? Things that made it fun? It seemed like the logical thing to do, yet, people weren’t always prone to logic.
He was so preoccupied with his thoughts and worries, Chase almost didn’t hear the door open. Feeling drained and depressed, he felt a glimmer of hope when he saw Kelsey walk in. Her eyes somehow seemed enormous and innocent, her coat opened over a fitted sweater and normal jeans, but somehow she filled them out a little too well for him in such a vulnerable moment.
He looked away, not wanting to give her any signs of hope, feeling more depressed by the temptation he knew she was about to offer. She had been friendly, yet relentless since that night at Bud’s. The worse part was that he really did like her, but it was almost as if she was Maggie’s polar opposite in every way. It was ironic when he considered how much he lusted after Kelsey’s sister to no avail, only to have the opposite situation with the youngest of two Telips’ girls.
“What’s wrong?” she immediately zeroed in on his face, her question simple and yet powerful at the same time, as she tilted her head, her right foot tilting inward in a nervous gesture.
“I lost my job,” Chase replied and avoided her eyes. “Harold’s closing the gym.”
“Oh,” Her comment was soft, sensual, causing him to look up as she hunched forward. “I’m sorry, Chase.”
He didn’t reply just gave a quick smile.
“I feel responsible for you losing your last job.”
“You’re not responsible,” Chase answered gently, suddenly appreciative of some compassion. Where else would he find it, especially when considering he had no support now that Maggie was gone. Clearly, she had forgotten him along the way. “It’s no one’s fault, it just is…I guess.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” Chase let out a short laugh. “Throw myself over a cliff somewhere.”
She fell silent.
“You wouldn’t really do that, would you?”
“What?” Chase asked, a glint of humor in his voice, he quickly felt guilty when he saw her eyes water. “No, it’s a joke Kelsey, I was joking.”
Awkwardly, she rushed over and hugged him. It was a quick hug, but just long enough, He could smell a flowery scent fill his lungs, as her long hair brushed across his face and her delicate fingers briefly touched his back. A chaste hug, all things considered, but it helped to soften his disposition.
“I’m sorry, Chase.” she stood up and pushed back a strand of hair. She placed a hand on his shoulder and ran her fingers back and forth, slowly gliding past his neckline to touch his naked flesh. The temptation build up in his quickly, almost uncontrollably and he couldn’t deny that he instinctually wanted to give in to them; lock the door, take her in the shower as he once had with Claire Shelley and unleash all his cravings until she moaned in pleasure; but he couldn’t. He immediately felt shame. She was only 17. What the fuck was wrong with him? Was it because she reminded him so much of Maggie? Was he some kind of fucking deviant, pedophile? Was he nothing more than a dirtbag?
Then again, as she always reminded him, there was only a couple years age difference between them. He would turn 21, where she was on her way to 18; how could it be any more fucked up to be attracted to her than have sex with the much older women like Flora, who was early retired, but she was still retired. His desires were strong. Was that normal? It wasn’t like he had any other guys to talk to this kind of thing about. His high school friends were replaced by Maggie and they were all gone, moved on to bigger and better things in the city.
Just then, the door swung open and one of the regular clients, a middle-aged woman, walked in. Her eyes evaluated the situation between Kelsey and Chase, clearly not pleased by what she saw. Kelsey seemed unconcerned and merely shot her a dirty look. She gave Chase a quick kiss on his cheek and said bye, before rushing out the door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
For the most part, Chase didn’t mind staying home with the children when Audrey returned to work. It actually surprised him how quickly he fell into a routine with Leland, Chet, and Devin; it was just a matter of having everything on schedule, from feeding times to cleaning the house while the children all slept. Once he got the hang of it, things actually went quite well. Not to suggest everything was perfect; there were days when he was ready to pull his hair out but for the most part, the months leading into springtime flowed along nicely.
Audrey insisted it was only because she had gotten the children on a schedule that he was having any luck at all. For some reason, it was impossible for his wife to accept that perhaps the children felt more at ease with him than her, therefore things flowed much more smoothly while she was gone. He sensed the resentment in her voice and saw the jealousy pouring out of her eyes when she arrived home to a silent, clean house rather than the disaster Chase often found himself returning to when he still had a job.
Not to suggest that he felt great about himself since becoming unemployed. In fact, he hadn’t realized how much people’s wo
rk defined them until he didn’t have a job. Removing that one factor from life created a huge empty space in his identity; making him feel pathetic when he went to the grocery store, surrounded by all the local moms, as they eyed him over a shopping carts. At first, he felt a sense of shame, even though he had done nothing wrong. He felt like he owed everyone an explanation; little did they know that just a few months earlier, he had been working close to 60 hours a week and now, he changed diapers, cleaned up messes and tried to keep the household together.
Flora and his mom were a huge help. It was difficult to take all three kids anywhere, so he often would bring Leland along while he ran errands, leaving the twins with one of the two women. He wasn’t so secure with his mother being alone with two babies but he noticed that she was protective of the children, almost as if they were her own. Her voice was tender when she spoke to them, a tone that greatly differed from the one she used with the rest of the world. Chase wondered if she had once spoken to him and Angel in that manner but somehow doubted it.
Although their relationship had improved since the arrival of the children, Louise and Chase would never have a close bond again. She was off in her own little world, almost as if his father hadn’t died only a few months earlier. Angel was still a basket case since Carl Jacobs passed away, often calling Chase in tears, the stress of her final year of university combined with her deep sorrow was almost too much and he was left trying to boost her up when she was at her lowest point. He certainly understood how that felt and although they hadn’t always had the best relationship, Chase did recognize when it was time to step up.
Since she was also in Calgary, Chase sometimes wondered if her and Maggie’s paths ever crossed; but then realized how ridiculous that was and never asked. Calgary was one of the largest cities in Canada, so it was unlikely for it to happen but it worried him that Maggie seemed to have but fallen off the face of the earth. When he attempted to ask Kelsey if her older sister was okay, she often got defensive, as if he were only using her to keep a connection with his former best friend.