Were All Animals

by Mima

  “It’s going to be a bright, exciting future for us, right Chase?” Diego’s eyebrows shot up as he paced across the floor, almost as if he thought better when in motion, rather than sitting in a chair. A smile spread across his face, a spark glimmered in his eyes and Chase was somewhat jealous of his enthusiasm and confidence. Why couldn’t he see his own life in such a way; boundless with no end of possibilities?

  Perhaps because he had his own dreams cut off so abruptly in his youth after a series of events that closed off a lot of possibilities. Where he once saw marriage and kids as a trap that had taken his life away, he now knew that it was merely an excuse; after all, he was free of his marriage, now well into divorce proceedings and his children appeared to all but have forgotten him, but now he was stuck in a different sort of rut. It was just harder to identify this time around.

  Maybe it was him that was the problem.

  As if thinking of his family somehow made a mysterious connection over the miles, he was surprised to discover that Leland wanted to talk to him on Skype that night. Feeling slightly unsettled about his day at work and all the changes that were coming forward, some he didn’t even fully understand yet, Chase welcomed the simplicity of a conversation with his child. All three of his children on FaceTime, one by one, each child disappeared. Easily distracted, none of them would stick in front of the computer long, while Leland gave a detailed description of a snake he found in the backyard and his confusion about how he couldn’t have it as a pet.

  Eventually, he ran off too, Albert suggesting taking them upstairs to get ready for bed, the house was suddenly quiet as Audrey took over the computer.

  “They’re very energetic, aren’t they?” she asked with a small grin on her face, she looked happier than he had ever seen her. There was a calmness, an ease of conversation that they never had while married, it was almost as if she shed the old version of herself and now was a lighter, happier woman; something he had never could’ve foreseen years earlier.

  “It looks like they never stop,” Chase replied, feeling a smile settle on his lips. “I’m glad they’re so happy, though.”

  “They are. We all are, Chase.”

  “Now that I’m gone,” he made the joke, but deep down, knew it was true.

  “It’s not that,” she corrected him. “We weren’t a good fit. We never were and I tried to make it something it couldn’t be.”

  “But I think the kids are happier with Albert than me,” Chase spoke bluntly, exposing the small sorrow that he hated to admit. “I think I was a horrible father.”

  “You weren’t a horrible father,” Audrey corrected him. “It was a horrible situation. Kids are kids. They are adaptable. They just want love and attention and really, it wouldn’t matter if it was Albert or if I was someone else or you again, it isn’t like that with them. Kids aren’t complicated like adults.”

  “I can’t help feel like…” He drifted off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. “Like something I did or didn’t do will fuck them up, you know?”

  “Chase we all feel that way,” Audrey let out a laugh. “All parents feel that way, regardless of what they do or don’t do. I hear it every day at work.”

  He knew that Audrey continued to study and where she once worked for the minister at her church, she now had a position with the government. It was limited in hours but she was determined to do social work full-time. She’d certainly have her work cut out for her in Hennessey and surrounding towns; fortunately, her strong personality would be ideal for this position.

  “No one is a perfect parent,” Audrey reminded him and shrugged. “It’s a tough job and at least you’re there for your kids if they need anything or want to talk. Do you know how many fathers who live outside of the family home, aren’t? Think about that Chase.”

  He nodded.

  “So, how are you? How are things in the big city of Calgary? I’m thinking about taking the boys there sometime to see you,” she spoke excitedly. “It would be fun.”

  A spark of hope filled Chase. “That would be amazing, Audrey. I hope it’s soon, my boss is talking about moving our offices to Ontario. If that’s the case, I guess I’m going too. I’m not sure what to do.”

  “If you like your job, then I say go,” Audrey replied as she rolled her hair up into a bun and clipped it. “I would if I were you.”

  “I don’t know, I-

  “Chase, you gotta go,” Audrey let out a small laugh. “You even said yourself, Calgary never had any major appeal to you. They’ll probably pay for moving expenses and who knows, maybe there will be a promotion of some kind. Why are they moving?”

  “Ontario is more central. Diego is also talking about Vancouver, just cause…I don’t know, it’s prettier or something.” He let out a laugh. “I just kind of step away and go with the flow.”

  “Who’s Diego?”

  “Jolene’s brother. He runs the company. It actually started in the states and Jolene takes care of the Canadian side of things.” Chase explained.

  “Ah oh, you’re twitching, what’s wrong with him?” Audrey let out a laugh. “You always twitch when you’re anxious.”

  “I do?” Chase was surprised.

  “Yeah, your right eye, I can’t explain it and you probably didn’t know, but you do,” she replied, finally leaving her hair alone. “Trust me, body language is one of the things I’m studying. You make an interesting case study sometimes.”

  Chase laughed. “I bet.”

  “So what’s the deal. Is Diego shady or something?”

  “Nah, he’s cool.” Chase bit his lip. “Hey Audrey, did you ever wonder if I was gay?”

  Her eyes widened and she laughed; heartily, at that. “What? Did Maggie take you to a gay bar or something?”

  “No,” Chase shook his head, shyly replying, “It’s this Diego guy, the boss? He kissed me?”

  “Wow! Unbelievable!”

  “Yeah, so I thought maybe there was something about me, maybe-

  “You’re not gay,” Audrey quickly reassured him. “Curious, you might be but not gay.”

  “But I have such terrible relationships with women, maybe that’s why?”

  “No, you’re having a difficult time discovering the real you. Your mother beat that out of you a long time ago and you’re slowly getting it back,” she spoke honestly. “I’m sure that this Diego wishes you were, though.”

  “I never thought of it that way before,” Chase admitted.

  “It’s true like I say, you make for a great case study in many things,” Audrey’s eyes scanned down as if analyzing the keyboard. “You’re a work in progress. We all are but you started from a more difficult place.”

  Chase didn’t reply but shared a smile with her.

  “So, I have some gossip for you,” Audrey quickly changed the subject. “Kelsey’s back home. I guess she made some movies?” she rose her eyebrows when she said ‘movies’ a satirical grin on her face. “Her mom approached me about getting her into counseling which is probably a good idea, that girl is her own worst enemy.”

  “I agree.”

  “And your ex, that Lucy girl? Her boyfriend, I think was arrested and so was that Brad guy you used to work for at the bar. Did you know this shit was going down there? Be honest with me?”

  “I knew about the movies,” Chase replied. “I didn’t know about the underage ones, though. I quit when I thought he was trying to solicit Kelsey and well, I kind of threatened him.” He was apprehensive to add the last part, fearing she would repeat the story. “Between you and I, that is. I didn’t think anything else happened. I certainly didn’t know Kelsey went back after I left town.”

  “Yeah and tried to blame you because you wouldn’t pay attention to her,” Audrey finished his sentence. “I always thought something was going on with the two of you.”

  “No, she wanted there to be but
I wouldn’t let it,” Chase felt like a weight was falling off his shoulders. The more he revealed to Audrey, the more they talked about things he had suppressed over time, the more a heaviness inside of him seemed to slide away. “I liked her though and kind of felt sorry for her.”

  “Lost puppies,” Audrey grinned. “Cute till you get them home.”

  Chase smiled and nodded.

  “I’m proud of you, Chase,” her words shocked him and he felt any defenses fall to the ground but he remained silent. “I know we’ve had our differences but you really are a good person. You have a conscience and that says a lot. That’s one of the things I discovered about you while doing these case studies. You made mistakes, we all have, but I pushed your buttons a lot and I did it on purpose.”

  “But you stuck around,” she continued solemnly. “You took care of your kids. You protected your friends. When I asked you to stay away from the kids for a while so they could adjust to things here, you did it. I know it wasn’t easy for you but you did what was right. Although your moral compass isn’t always turned all the way on,” she hesitated with a grin on her face, a moment of tranquility connected them and Chase felt stunned by her remark. “You were a good guy and I never acknowledged that and I think it’s time I did.”

  “Thank you,” his voice was barely a whisper. “I never…I never thought you felt that way.”

  “I did. I do,” she replied, her face full of calmness and neither said anything more, but he could see the tears in her eyes as she abruptly ended their conversation and turned off the camera.

  He was left staring at a blank screen. Tears falling down his face, each carrying a little bit of the self-hatred that he carried around for far too long. Chase had assumed he ruined every life he touched. Wasn’t that really why he was alone? Hadn’t he feared of doing the same thing to someone else? Hadn’t he felt that he hadn’t done enough for his ex-wife, his kids, Maggie, Kelsey, his family? That he had never been enough for anyone? That if he had only been a little bit more, that maybe it would’ve made a difference?

  Taking a deep breath, he was shaking and weak as he rose from the chair. It was as if he were a child, reborn into a new world with a brand new set of eyes. He crossed the floor with no destination in mind, no truth in his heart, just a lot of unknown floating on the surface. It was then that he realized that we are all animals; led by our desires, ready to fight in the light of fear and yet with a soul that leads us on a path of wherever we must go. It would never lead us astray.

  His hand shook as it reached for a vibrating phone that sat on the counter. He picked it up and a smile crept on his face. It was a message from Diego.

  Chase, my friend. Our story is not over. It has just begun. Buckle your seatbelt. You’re in for one hell of a ride.

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