by JD Nixon
Weeks later, Daniel took me to have a final x-ray of my ankle. When Dr Kincaid examined it later that day, he instructed me to take the boot off permanently, put away the crutches and start walking on it again. I was nervous at first, expecting great pain, but although it still ached and was stiff, I was able to get around reasonably well, albeit slowly. Life started to return to normal.
Chapter 10
When I could walk confidently again, I made a momentous decision that ended with me standing at a door, shit-scared, pressing on the buzzer. I knew this was going to be messy, a very bad idea to start with, but I felt compelled to do it by emotions I didn’t understand and couldn’t control. Heller warned me repeatedly against this visit, but since when have I ever listened to his advice anyway?
He’s not home, I thought with relief when nobody answered. I have the day or time wrong. I was just about to make an eager escape when the door opened. Will stood there, his wild, curly brown hair particularly unruly, his soft brown eyes staring at me with infinite longing.
“Tilly,” he said gratefully. “You came. Thank you so much. I was sure that you’d change your mind.”
He invited me in. I wasn’t unaware of the effect my appearance was having on him. I’d dressed deliberately. A tight, low-cut gold top teamed with my most successful push-up bra, black denim miniskirt that showed acres of leg flesh and killer heels, with which my poor ankle was struggling to cope. I’d left my shiny dark brown hair long and wavy, and liberally applied a sensuous perfume. Heller had frowned at me when I’d met him at his Mercedes in the basement.
“I want him to see what he’s missing,” I’d told him defiantly, but that only made him frown even more. He’d driven me in silence to Will’s house, his disapproval hanging heavy in the air between us.
“You have one hour, Matilda,” he said emotionless, staring ahead of him.
“Give me two, please Heller. I have a lot to say,” I begged. He agreed reluctantly and drove off without another word, with what I thought was an unnecessarily dramatic squeal of his tyres.
Will regarded me with unadulterated hunger as I walked past him through the front door. I immediately noticed the differences since another woman had moved into his house. In his lounge room we sat apart, him on the lounge and me in an armchair. I’d decided to let him do the talking because despite what I’d told Heller, I really didn’t have much to say at all. But I was interested in hearing what Will had to say for himself. He’d bombarded me with text messages, emails and phone calls after our chance meeting at a resort a while ago, hoping to convince me to meet with him again. He wanted an opportunity to explain exactly why he’d dumped me and become engaged to another woman with indecent haste afterwards.
“Where’s your fiancee?” I queried courteously.
He seemed uncomfortable at my use of the term. “She’s at her mother’s house. They’re planning the wedding. I’m picking her up later tonight.”
Then he started talking earnestly, leaning forwards on the lounge, grasping my hands and staring deeply into my eyes. I didn’t hear anything new. It had started as a one-nighter at a teachers’ conference, morphing into a casual relationship and ending up with an unexpected but welcome pregnancy and a quick decision to marry the woman who would bear his child. Who wasn’t me, hence my dumping. But he’d realised since that he couldn’t stop thinking about me, wanting me, needing me. I sighed to myself. Blah, blah, blah. All the predictable crap I’d been expecting. Heller was right. One hour would have been more than enough. I tried to suppress a yawn.
Pulling my hands free from his, I stood and walked to his front window, my back to him. Gazing at his garden, I now only partially listened to his entreaties. Realising that he was losing his audience, Will stopped talking and came up, standing closely behind me. It shocked me how much his physical presence still affected me. Unwillingly, my breathing grew heavier and my heartbeat more rapid.
“Tilly,” he said hoarsely, placing his hands tentatively on my shoulders. His touch grew more assured when I didn’t reject it. Truth was that I craved his touch. It had been a long time since we’d slept together, since I’d slept with anyone, and I’d desperately missed him. I could smell the familiar scent of his cologne. It brought back waves of happy memories, loving memories. I didn’t reject his touch – I wanted him to touch me. Everywhere.
His hands rubbed up and down my bare arms. I kept gazing out the window.
“God, I’ve missed you so much. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think I could survive without seeing you, touching you, feeling you, tasting you.”
He swept my hair aside and delicately kissed my neck. His hot breath warmed my skin. I inclined my head away from him, so he had better access. He took advantage and kissed me up and down my neck, making my skin tingle. My nipples hardened and my breathing became ragged. I closed my eyes, enjoying those wonderful sensations of arousal.
His hands moved caressingly from my shoulders down my chest, until they were cupping my breasts, his thumbs rubbing across my erect nipples. I twisted my head to meet his mouth, and our tongues immediately entwined. I turned to face him and slid my arms around his neck, pressing up hard against him, rubbing myself against his stiffness. He moaned and then it was as if a dam wall broke, but passion and lust and need flooded out instead of water. It became a blur of hands and tongues.
He lifted my top over my head and impatiently unhooked my bra, leaning down to lick and suck on my freed breasts. I pulled his shirt over his head and raked my nails across his back.
He pushed me backwards until I bumped against his kitchen bench, hoisting me up onto it, uncaring about the mugs and plates that went crashing to the floor. Impatiently, he tore off my panties and flung them over his shoulder, pushed up my skirt and knelt down to frantically lick me and plunge his tongue into me. I closed my eyes in ecstasy, head thrown back, my legs wrapped around his neck, my hands in his hair.
My orgasm was quick and intense. I would have screamed with pleasure, but wasn’t given an opportunity, because he dropped his pants and started urgently thrusting himself into me, his tongue back in my mouth again. I could taste myself on his tongue. I wrapped my legs around his hips and thrilled as he repeatedly drove deeply inside of me. Seconds later he exploded, collapsing against me, breathing heavily.
He took my hand and helped me off the bench, leading me down the hallway to his bedroom. Neither of us spoke. I noticed his bed had a new quilt and there were now a multitude of little, useless and annoying pillows littering the top of the bed. He pushed me down onto the bed gently and swept all the little pillows onto the floor in a gesture of contempt. He took off my miniskirt and heels and we lay together, face-to-face, naked and completely entwined, like old times.
“I have to keep seeing you, Tilly,” he whispered. “I am dying inside without you.”
“I have cried so much over you, Will. You broke me in two,” I whispered back. He kissed me tenderly, apologising over and over again.
“I’ve completely fucked up my life.”
I remained silent.
“But I just can’t abandon the woman who’s having my baby. Can you understand that?”
I shrugged one shoulder, but didn’t say anything.
“I hope we can keep seeing each other. Like we used to. Do you think we could do that?”
“As if nothing happened?”
“Yes. Please, can we try it at least?”
“Penny wouldn’t be pleased to find out that her future husband was screwing another woman before you were even married.”
“Tough shit! I’m doing a lot for her. She’ll never know anyway. And now that she’s pregnant she’s hardly interested in sex any more. We haven’t had much for months. I really miss sex with you. It was always so hot.”
And as he kissed my breasts, I considered his proposition. It didn’t hold much appeal for me. Come running every time he felt horny? No, thanks. He might value my body, but he didn’t value me.
“Well?�
�� he demanded.
“The problem though is that something did happen, Will. You dumped me. Penny became pregnant and you became engaged. In fact, a lot has changed.”
“Not my feelings for you.” Yeah, right.
“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come today.” I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. “And I’m really not interested in being your little bit on the side. But thanks for the insulting offer anyway.”
Anger flared in his eyes and he gripped me, pulling me back down onto the bed, his fingers digging painfully into my skin.
I twisted in his arms. “Let me go.”
“You’re determined to make me pay for all this, aren’t you?”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
He pinned me down with his weight, cradling my head between his hands and staring down into my eyes. “Tilly.”
“Let me go.”
“Tilly. Look at me. Please.”
I stopped struggling and returned his gaze. Our eyes locked together for a long while.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a low tone. “I didn’t mean to offend you. That wasn’t what I meant. I’ll be happy to see you whenever you decide.” He touched his lips softly against mine. “I’ll beg you if you want me to.”
Of course I wanted him to beg. I wanted him to grovel. I wanted him to crawl to me on his knees across a lake of broken glass. I wanted him to make amends for the pain he’d caused.
“I don’t know.”
He kissed down my neck, cupping my breast.
“Please, I’m begging. Just now and then.”
That reminded me how Heller had said that even if we slept together he would probably keep sleeping with other women “now and then” and how I’d threatened to do the same with other men. Maybe Will could be my “now and then” man.
And maybe not.
“I don’t know.”
He returned his lips to mine and we kissed, and before too long we were doing much more than kissing. We ended up having sex again, sweet, slow, tender sex.
I’m going to be in so much trouble, I thought drowsily as I dozed, entwined, next to him. I could have slept for hours, sated, but the incessant honking of a horn broke through my dreams. I sat upright in a panic.
“Oh shit! It’s Heller!”
We scrambled between us, trying to find all of my clothes. It was still a good five minutes though until I was dressed and ready to leave. At the door, Will grabbed my arm.
“So you’ll see me again?”
I met his eyes, mine full of conflicting emotions. I did and I didn’t want to see him again. There was something safe and familiar about an old lover that appealed greatly to me right then, but it was wrong to be with another woman’s man. I took the easy way out.
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” And he had to be satisfied with that.
I walked down the path of Will’s house as quickly as I could in the heels and climbed into the front seat. Heller stared at me, always an intimidating experience, his eyes as icy blue and cold as a pure glacier.
“So, you finished with him? Told him to stop contacting you?” he demanded in his dangerously quiet voice that signalled his anger. I avoided eye contact and tried to make a gesture that signified assent without actually lying. It was hard to lie to Heller.
“Matilda?”
I couldn’t answer. I fumbled with my seatbelt, head down.
“Matilda.”
I didn’t answer him. He grabbed me roughly by the chin, forcing my head up and searched my face with his laser-like eyes. Fury sweep across his features, like a summer storm rolling in, when he saw my satiated face. God knows he’d seen it enough. He slammed his fist down hard on the dashboard making me jump in fright.
“You are the stupidest woman I have ever met!” he yelled right into my face. I began to tremble, suddenly afraid of what was going to happen. “All you had to do was say goodbye, instead you’ve slept with him again, haven’t you?”
I refused to answer him and turned my head to look out of the window, heart pounding. He screeched off in a rage, ignoring basic road safety in his intense anger. We didn’t speak at all on the way home.
We parked in the basement garage and I immediately jumped out and bolted up the stairs to my flat. I didn’t know what made me think I could outrun him, especially in my heels and with my ankle still a little stiff. But I almost made it and was about to slam the front door in his face, when he pushed it open forcefully, smashing it back against the wall, dislodging a chunk of plasterboard. He advanced on me until I was backed up against a wall, trying not to look afraid. His eyes were frozen as they bored into me, his sensuous mouth grim.
“You slept with him, didn’t you?” he bellowed at me.
I nodded and managed to find my voice. “It’s none of your business, Heller,” I said defiantly.
“It’s every bit my business!” he shouted.
“It’s not! We’re not a couple. I can do what I want to. I can sleep with whoever I want to.”
I’d never seen him so angry before. His nostrils flared with rage and his face flushed an unbecoming red. He clenched his fists tightly and without any warning punched a hole in the plasterboard wall with each fist, one! two!, either side of my head. I flinched, worried I was going to wet myself in fear. He glared down at me and I started trembling again.
He circled my throat with his hand and leaned down so that our eyes were level. His voice was dangerously soft. “You will not see that man ever again.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
“You will not see that man again,” he repeated, grinding it out through tightly gritted teeth.
“He asked to see me again. He still loves me,” I insisted, though my defiance was rapidly fading. I just wanted him to leave.
“He doesn’t ‘love’ you. He’s using you for sex.”
“He still loves me.”
“Did he tell you he still loves you?”
I hesitated. “No.”
“Did he tell you he’s willing to leave his fiancee for you?” I didn’t want to answer. “Well, did he?”
“No.”
The sound he made was pure exasperation. “He’s using you and you’re too naive to realise.”
“I’m not naive! I’m twenty-five, not fifteen. And I’ll keep seeing him if I want to. You don’t own me.”
He moved his face even closer to me, until our noses were almost touching. I couldn’t escape the coldness of his eyes and voice. “Matilda, you won’t see that man again.”
My voice tremored. “I’ll be the one who makes that decision, not you. Get out. Leave me alone.”
Undecipherable expressions crossed his face. He let me go and quickly turned and strode away, kicking out at a side table hard enough to send it flying across the room, the lamp on it crashing to the floor and breaking. He slammed the door behind him with such force that three screws popped out of the hinges and my clock fell from the wall, the glass face smashing when it landed. I stood unmoving for a while, my hand clamped over my mouth.
A minute later, Daniel cautiously opened my door and peered around. His brown eyes widened when he saw the two ragged holes in my wall and my terrified expression. “His lordship’s in a bit of a temper, huh?”
I nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. He gathered me to his chest, hugging me tightly. I clung to him, not able to stop the tears from coming. He led me over to my lounge and we sat in silence for a while together, hugging. He stroked my hair until I felt a little calmer.
“It’s a scary sight, isn’t it?” Daniel said wryly. “I remember the first time I felt the full force of his temper. I was about fifteen at the time. I’d lived with him and the twins for about a year and, well, I’ve told you what a horror I was to him then. Anyway, I stole all the money from his wallet and sneaked out of the house one night. Clive and he spent the whole night out on the streets looking for me. When I finally turned up at home the next morning, drunk and badly used, he wanted to murder me.
Literally. He picked me up by my shirt, slammed me against a wall and yelled at me. I’ve never been so scared in my life. But later on, when I thought about it I realised that it was only because he cared so much about me that he was so angry. And when he calmed down, I talked to him about it and understood his worry and fear for me. I’d like to say that I never put him through anything like that again after that incident, but I have to admit that it took me a while to stop being such a shit to him. But it was the only time he ever reacted like that. I guess he’d just had enough and I’d pushed him too far.”
I had a lot to mull over. I knew what Daniel said was the truth. Heller cared very deeply for me and undoubtedly his anger had sprung out of concern for me. But I didn’t want him thinking that I was his property or that he could dictate my life.
“Why’s he raging anyway?” Daniel asked, standing up and stretching.
I looked up at him. “I was supposed to be telling Will to get lost, but I ended up sleeping with him again. Twice actually.” It was a feeble attempt at bravado, and it fell flat.
Daniel stared at me in disappointment. “Tilly, why would you do that? Especially after the way he treated you. No wonder Heller was so angry. You have more self-respect than that, don’t you?”
“Apparently not,” I said in a small voice. His disappointment stung me even more than Heller’s anger.
“Well, you’re on your own in thinking that was a good idea. I’m with Heller on this one. Your ex-boyfriend’s going to be married soon. What about his fiancee? She’s expecting to have a family and a life with that man. You’re no home-wrecker, Tilly. He ultimately chose her, not you, and you shouldn’t forget that. It’s only going to end in more tears for you.”
I felt as though I’d let everyone down, especially myself. I hated myself. I felt dirty and slutty and stupid. What I’d done was just plain wrong and there was no point in sugar-coating it. I didn’t bother hiding my fresh tears. I didn’t think I’d ever been more miserable in my life.