Second Rate Chances

by Stephens, Holly

  “I know I can't compare my pain to the kind of confusion you're going through right now. It's selfish of me but this is the first time we've been in the same room together, much less spoken to one another, in three years. I’m a shell of the person you think you know. Broken, Sam. That’s what I am, that’s how I’ve been for a while. I can’t help you get better.”

  Lil started to back away from Sam and to the door. “I'm going to go and I wish you the best. I do. You'll bounce back from this, Sam. You may not believe that now, but you will. Who knows?" she said with a tiny shrug. "Maybe this talk and seeing me have already helped. Maybe you’ll wake up in the morning and remember all that you’ve lost.”

  Lil stopped with her back against the door. She looked at Sam through the wetness of her tears clouding her vision.

  “Take care, Sam.”

  With those parting words, she turned her back on Sam, afraid to give him one last glance but knowing that the pained and confused look on his face would haunt her dreams later that night. She had to leave and get out of there. She was telling him the truth. There was nothing she could do for him.

  When she opened the door, she didn't pay attention to the chorus of voices that called her name. All three Travers men were calling after her but all Lil could hear was the sound of her sobs echoing off the white sterile walls.

  33

  SECOND RATE CHANCES

  CHAPTER 6

  Sam called out to Lil, his voice hoarse as he strained to get her to hear him. It was no use. Once Lil had her mind set to something there was no getting her to see reason.

  How had life come to this? A world where they weren't together? It didn't seem possible. They were so in love. Since that first day in college when they had both arrived at the dorms with their parents, they were inseparable. They had been through the deaths of family members; both of her parents and his mom. She was family in every sense of the word.

  Where his mind was at the present moment, he was planning to ask her to marry him. He didn’t have an exact date set on when he wanted to pop the big question, only that he knew he couldn’t go through life without Lil beside him. Sam had to wonder what could have happened for them to lose that. To not speak or even be in the same room together in the past three years

  Dashing into the room, his dad asked, “What happened, son?” His brother was right behind him, his gaze penetrating Sam.

  Sam rubbed his eyes. It would have helped if the action could erase the last fifteen minutes. Maybe then he and Lil could start over.

  “I don't know, Dad. Lil’s upset because I asked what happened between us. I yelled, she yelled.” He sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “She ran out of here saying she can’t help me.”

  Sam leaned back against the flat pillows the hospital had provided. He couldn't get comfortable. It seemed that nowhere was going to be comfortable in this new life.

  “Dad,” Sam began. “What happened with Lil and me? Did I cheat on her?”

  “No, you didn't cheat.” While Paul was eager to answer his question, Sam could hear the reservation in his voice.

  “I had to have done something pretty bad. Just tell me. I need to know. I have to make things right.”

  “Sam,” Paul took a deep breath. “It's not my place. I'm sorry. It really needs to be something you and Lil discuss.”

  “But she won't even look at me!” Sam shouted. “How can I get her to talk to me if she can't even be in the same room with me?”

  Sam watched his father’s reaction to his outburst. The man looked like he was battling something. The tight lines around his mouth, his eyes drawn in together. Something was on his mind, something he was afraid to tell Sam.

  “Listen, the doctor was just telling us he's going to send you home in a couple of days. He wants to monitor you a little more. Keep a close watch on you now that Lil has been by. He thinks maybe seeing her will prompt the memories to return.”

  “And if they don't?” Sam looked to his father for guidance. It was apparent that from the look in his eyes that he had none to give.

  “We'll figure that out.”

  “I just want to go home. Go back to before I hit my head.”

  Joshua snorted. It was the first sound he had made since entering the room. “What?” Sam asked. “What was that for?”

  “Nothing.” Joshua said as he turned his back on his brother. More pieces of the puzzle kept falling to the floor. First, his dad and the information he was keeping from him, and now his brother who had this less than cavalier attitude toward him.

  “A couple of days and we'll take you home,” Paul said to his son. “I promise you. We'll set your room back up just like it used to be.”

  “You don't understand, Dad. I don't want to go to your home. I want to go to my home.”

  “Well, that ought to make Chloe happy. You've got that big fancy condo downtown.”

  “Downtown? Since when did they put in condos downtown? Wouldn't the historical society have a fit about that?”

  “Dad,” Joshua cut in. “He doesn't know. He doesn't know that he's turned his back on The Village. That he's a preppy do good'er living the high life.” Joshua laughed while shaking his head. The reaction from his brother only fueled the anger welling up inside Sam.

  “You're right! I don't know! I don't know anything. Why are you being such an asshole? What have I done to you?” Sam demanded.

  “Nothing. That's what you've done to me. Nothing. It's all you've done to any of us.”

  “Stop it, both of you!” Paul shouted. “Josh, lay off your brother. He has enough going on that he doesn’t need you telling him how he’s changed.” Sam watched as his brother stormed out of the room.

  Sam looked at his dad, his voice dropping to that of a whisper. “What have I become? My girlfriend can't look at me. My own brother can't be in the same room with me. Dad, have I hurt everybody?”

  After several beats of silence Paul finally said, “You've changed Sam. Let's just leave it at that.”

  Sam could tell he wasn't going to get anything else from his dad so he decided to drop the subject, for now. “So the doctor says in a couple of days I can leave. Where am I going to go? Does Lil even still own the cottage?”

  Paul took a seat on the edge of the twin hospital bed. “The last I heard, yeah, she still owns it. As for where you're going to go, you have options. You can go to your condo or you can come home with me. You'll always have a home there.”

  Sam closed his eyes and prayed for sleep to take him. He wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Preferably the part where he lived in a high-rise downtown and he was engaged to his boss' daughter.

  ~~~~

  Lil could barely see through the tears in her eyes as she drove away from the hospital. She tried to regain some sort of composure because there was no way she could go to work with a tear-stained face. Pulling off to the side of the road, just before the welcome sign to The Village greeted her, she took a few moments to dry her eyes and calm down.

  Seeing Sam had done a real number on her. He truly believed that they were together. That nothing had ever happened to tear them apart. It was all too much. She felt like the air was being sucked out of the hospital room. She was losing focus. Her breathing became labored. She had to leave. It was a chicken move, but had she not acted fast, she would have ended up alongside him in a bed of her own. Panic attacks were something she had learned to work through. There was no working through a panic attack of that magnitude.

  Lil picked up her cell phone and dialed the office. She had to catch Ellie before she left for lunch. When the familiar sound of her best friend’s voice filtered through the channels, Lil breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Hey.” Lil was afraid to say too much more knowing that her voice still sounded gravelly.

  “Hey you. So...how did it go? Tell me he's bald? Oh!” Lil could picture Ellie clapping her hands and stomping her feet from excitement. “He's bald isn't he? I knew it! The boys never get their daddy's
hair and his daddy,” Ellie moaned into the phone, “is one hot piece of–”

  Lil cut her off before she ventured into how hot Paul Travers was. “Ellie, I need you to cancel my appointments for today.”

  “What happened? Lil Harper, you tell me right now what's going on.”

  “I can't. Not yet anyway. Listen, just call and reschedule my appointments. I have something I need to take care of. I won't be in for the rest of the day. I'm sorry. I gotta go. Just do this for me and I'll talk to you soon.”

  Lil ended the call before Ellie could say another word. She loved her best friend dearly, but she knew Ellie well enough to know that she would have beat the information out of her with a steel bat, then taken her to the bar at noon to get her wasted. The offer sounded tempting, but Lil had someone else she needed to talk to first. Someone who she had confided everything in. Someone she hadn't had to speak to in over a year.

  Lil dialed the number she still had programmed on her speed dial and waited. When the receptionist answered the call, Lil said the familiar words she thought she'd never have to say again.

  “This is Lil Harper. Please tell Dr. Kingston that I'm on my way. We need to have an emergency session.”

  ~~~~

  Lil sat in the office of Dr. Evelyn Kingston, her therapist who helped her through the break up with Sam. It wasn’t just the break up that left Lil needing guidance; it was what had led up to the separation. Dr. Kingston had helped Lil see that she wasn’t responsible for what happened. After blaming herself for a year, Lil finally understood that it wasn’t entirely her fault. Sam held just as much responsibility as she did.

  Nothing had changed in Dr. Kingston’s office. The walls were still a chocolate brown. The pictures that hung were of her famed Weimaraner. Oddly, the worn leather of the couch felt comforting to Lil. She had thought after her last session when she had deemed herself no longer in need of Dr. Kingston's help that she'd never see this place again.

  The door to Dr. Kingston's private office opened. Lil had never liked looking at the people who came and went. Therapy was a private matter and she tried to respect every person.

  When she heard the front door softly close, Lil looked up. Dr. Kingston stood with a smirk on her face and her arms crossed over her chest.

  “Well, well, well. Let me guess. You saw him?” Dr. Kingston was never anything but matter-of-fact. “Come on in, Lil.

  “You look good,” Dr. Kingston said as Lil passed through the office doors. “My receptionist is still intact. Either you've been doing your breathing or you're on the edge of the cliff.”

  Lil smiled. “Both.” Dr. Kingston closed the door to her office and gestured for Lil to have a seat. The long chaise lounge was a nicer addition than some stuffy old couch that was neither comfortable nor comforting.

  Dr. Kingston took her usual perch on her Queen Anne chair. She was a stunning woman for someone who was well into her sixties. Her short, pixie cut gray hair gave her the appearance that she was in her early fifties instead. Her immaculate complexion glowed under the soft lighting that she always used in her office. She was shapely in that she reminded Lil of her grandmother and how she liked to curl into her side. She tried picturing that with Dr. Kingston.

  “So let me guess,” Dr. Kingston began. “This session is in order because Sam's lost his memory?”

  Lil stared at the doctor. “How did you know?”

  “I shouldn't tell you this, but the hospital called. They wanted me to take him on as a patient.” Lil's face clouded with confusion. “With amnesia patients,” Dr. Kingston explained, “as part of their therapy they are required to see someone. Naturally because there isn’t an influx of therapists in the area, I was one of the ones they called. Of course, I told them it would be a conflict of interest. So,” she smiled at Lil, “I've been patiently waiting for your call.”

  Lil sat quietly on the lounge. She should have considered this possibility. Of course Sam would need to see someone.

  “What happened?”

  Lil took a deep breath and spilled everything that Chloe had said over the phone.

  “And how did that make you feel?”

  “Honestly? I felt sucker-punched. How could he, after all this time, need my help?” Lil laughed although there was nothing funny. “How ironic that when I needed him he wasn't there.”

  “But you went?”

  With a dejected sigh Lil said, “Yeah, I went.”

  “Why?”

  “Because,” Lil’s voice was soft and unsure. She looked at Dr. Kingston and tried to reign in her tears. “It’s Sam. How could I not go?”

  “Without knowing anything that was wrong with him? That’s putting someone else, someone who you spent a lot of time in that very chair trying to get over, first. I’m proud of you. I can imagine it wasn’t easy.”

  Lil shook her head no. It hadn’t been easy but she didn’t want to portray the role of the martyr. It might have pained her to face him but she wasn’t the kind of person who kicked a man when he was down.

  “What happened after you got to the hospital?”

  “His dad and brother were standing together in the hall. When they saw me standing there they both ran to give me hugs. Paul thanked me for coming. He said he knew it wasn’t an easy thing for me to do.”

  “That's good news. Two people who cared for you, and I'm willing to bet, still do.”

  Lil nodded. “Yeah, it was good to see Paul and Joshua. Good and bad. It's been so long and they had changed so much. And their faces.” Lil recalled the worried looks from both men. “They were so stressed.”

  “Naturally. A loved one was in the next room, clearly confused out of his mind. Did they tell you his diagnosis?”

  “No, the doctor came out and explained it all to me. Then he encouraged me to go see Sam. I did.” Lil locked eyes with Dr. Kingston. For several moments they stared at one another.

  “And how did seeing Sam make you feel?”

  “Conflicted?” Lil said the word like she was looking for the right answer. “His eyes lit up when he saw me like they used to do. He even told me he wanted to run and wrap his arms around me. I couldn’t do a thing except fall apart. I wanted to run to him, I wanted to scream at him. Instead, I avoided his questions and we argued. I don’t think I helped at all.”

  “No,” Dr. Kingston said after a few seconds of silence. “I imagine you didn’t help.”

  “How can I?” Lil stood from the chair and began to pace the room. “It's been three years. How can I help him? And why me? I haven't been a part of his life for so long. He's moved on. He's about to be married. She should be the one helping him but she wasn’t even there!”

  “Sam is confused. I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a second. Put yourself in his shoes,” Dr. Kingston said. “What if you woke up and thought the two of you were still together when you weren't? How do you think you'd feel? And if he shut you out? How would that make you feel?”

  When Dr. Kingston put it like that, Lil had to rethink her whole not helping strategy. “He thinks we just bought the house. He doesn't know…”

  “You don't have to say it. I assumed that if he did you would have been more hysterical than you are.” Dr. Kingston was quiet while she thought over how to say what she was thinking. “I'm going to be honest with you. I think it would be good, not just for Sam, but for you as well to consider helping him. You need the closure you never got the first time. This is like a second chance at redemption for you. Maybe to finally get past these pent up feelings that are still buried deep within your soul, you need to forgive Sam once and for all.”

  Lil couldn't believe what Dr. Kingston had said. She knew her mouth was partially open and her eyes had to be three times their normal size. There was no way she was serious. Lil knew she needed closure but could she really mean spending time with him? Hanging out, doing the things they used to do?

  “Listen to me,” Dr. Kingston began, clearly seeing the look on Lil’s face. “Sam doesn't know wh
at happened between the two of you, but he will find out. This is monumental news for him. One day he's buying a house with you, the next day he wakes up and he's engaged to another woman. He's going to want to know what happened. He deserves to know what happened. It's best he hear from you than someone else.” Dr. Kingston had moved from her seat and was now standing in front of Lil. She took the girl’s hands in her own. The act was so motherly it almost made Lil tear up. “I know you think that you can run away from this, but you can’t. You've told me how it felt when he left, but you never told Sam. This is your chance to finally get out those words.”

  Lil closed her eyes and when she reopened them, Dr. Kingston had a solemn look on her face. She truly believed that helping Sam could help her.

  “I'm not asking you to go out and make a decision today but think about it. I only want what's best for you.”

  Lil nodded and withdrew her hands from Dr. Kingston's grasp. A single teardrop had fallen and instead of wiping it away, Lil let it fall.

  Dr. Kingston gave her a kind smile and stepped away, moving toward her desk. “I want to keep regular appointments with you until I see fit. Make sure Charlotte sets up the next one at your earliest convenience.”

  Lil couldn't speak. Instead, she bowed her head slightly to let the doctor know that she had heard her. She had a lot to think about.

  Helping Sam for Sam.

  Or helping Sam for Lil.

  CHAPTER 7

  Sam sat in his car looking at the cottage he once called home. An unfamiliar car was in the driveway but Sam had no intentions of getting out and knocking on the door, even though it killed him not to know who was inside with her. He was driving aimlessly with no destination in mind when he ended up at Lil’s.