Keep Her

by Faith Andrews

  When the doorbell rang, it was nothing like all the times before. In the past, when I was expecting a visit from Marissa I was actually giddy—yes, giddy—with anticipation. We rarely ever fought because there wasn’t much time to do that. I worked crazy shifts at the firehouse and with her studying for the bar, lately we were lucky if we saw each other once a week. That worked for us. It made everything better when we did get to see each other. But I guess it was my stupid mistake for wanting to spend even more time with my girlfriend. Asking her to move in obviously wasn’t on her radar. Her wanting a break wasn’t on mine. But since that conversation a few days ago, a lot had changed and I wasn’t exactly feeling all warm and tingly when I opened the door.

  “Hi,” she murmured. I could tell by the puffiness of her face and the redness in her eyes that she’d been crying.

  “Hey,” I said back, gesturing for her to come in. I was harboring so many emotions it was hard to react. I didn’t like to see her upset, but I was hurt over the way we’d left things. Seeing her made it sting even more. But what was worse was the guilt that crept its way in. I didn’t know what the reason for her being here was, but I wouldn’t be able to lie to her if she asked questions.

  And she wasted no time rambling them off. “Where were you last night? Why didn’t you answer my calls? I think I made a mistake, Beck. Do you think we made a mistake?”

  Whoa. Way to get right to the point. “Ris, calm down,” I coaxed her, ushering her into the living room. “Why don’t you sit on the couch and relax? I’ll make you a cup of coffee and we’ll talk.” One of us had to be rational, otherwise this would be harder than it had to be. I just hoped I could do this the right way.

  She simply nodded as she wiped away her tears. I turned my back to head into the kitchen.

  I’d been making her coffee for two years. Cream and two sugars, with one ice cube so she didn’t burn her mouth. It occurred to me that I really did know everything about Marissa, except when it came to our future. I knew all her quirky, beautiful ins and outs—the way her feet rubbed together like a cricket’s right before she fell asleep, the way her tongue crept out of the side of her mouth while she furiously wrote notes while studying, the way she sang terribly off-key in the shower when she was happy. I knew all those things and so many more, so how could I have missed that the two of us were not on the same page when it came to moving in?

  Maybe part of me was an ignorant ass to not see this coming all along. She’d never really talked about marriage and always brushed off the idea of kids, but I still assumed she saw a future with me and that taking the next step would make her happy. I never imagined it would freak her out and have her second-guessing what I believed was a perfect relationship.

  The refrigerator hummed in the quiet kitchen as I plopped the ice cube in the mug. It was my turn for second-guessing. I might not have been so keen on the break when she dropped that bomb on me the other night, but being with Riley made things different. Was it shitty that sleeping with another girl made me realize this? Maybe. But it wasn’t just that. Being with Riley made me question things about my relationship with Marissa. I wasn’t the cheating kind, and even though it wasn’t technically cheating, I wouldn’t have been so quick to jump in someone else’s bed if I didn’t have my own doubts about my future with Marissa.

  Walking into the living room, balancing our Saturday morning coffee in my hands, I knew what I had to do. It wouldn’t be easy since I figured she was here to convince me otherwise, but suddenly I needed this break as much as she did.

  “You slept with someone?” she cried, jumping out of her seat on the couch. “We were broken up all of forty-eight hours and you fucked another girl? Beck, how could you?”

  I glared at her from where I sat, realizing that my honesty might not have been the best segue into telling her our break was a good idea. I reached for her arm to pull her back down to her seat, but she yanked it away from me.

  “Marissa, please. Can you sit down and let me talk to you?”

  “This is unbelievable. I just can’t believe—I’m not sure I want to hear what else you have to say. You’re obviously not the man I thought you were if you need to go out and fuck away our issues.”

  What I took from that wasn’t sadness, jealousy, or even anger. I heard the truth behind her words. “So, you are admitting we have issues. Not to mention that if I’m not the man you thought I was, then you’re certainly not the woman I thought you were.”

  “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

  I didn’t want this to turn into a brawl, but I needed to be honest. There were things that needed to be said. “It means when I asked you to move in, you fucking clammed up. Not only did you reject my invitation to take the next step, but you reminded me of all the times you’ve pushed away my hopes for the future.”

  The look in her eyes went from hurt to defensive in a split second. “Beck, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but now is not the time for me to make this kind of decision. You have no idea the stress I’ve been under with this exam. I feel like I’m going crazy. And this is just the beginning. Once I pass, I’ll be putting in hours that will seem ungodly to you. Your shifts at the firehouse have nothing on the torturous hours of a first year law associate.”

  “Yeah, okay.” I rolled my eyes and scoffed at her. I was used to three days with no sleep, and as a probie… let’s not go there. Rookie year on the fire department was worse than any fraternity hazing. “Just because I’m not some CEO hotshot doesn’t mean I don’t get what it’s like to work hard.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying, Beck. Why can’t you understand where I’m coming from? How important this is to me? I’m sorry if I freaked out and made it like I didn’t want to be with you. I love you. I do want to be with you. I want to make this work.”

  There was no denying our love for each other, and I did understand her need to focus on her career, but in the last few days I’d realized that we were on different paths at this stage in our lives. “Maybe you’re not saying it now, but you’ve said a lot of things over the years that are just becoming clear to me now.

  “Marissa, you don’t want all the things I stand for. I don’t expect you to drop your dreams for me, but I also don’t want to drop mine for you. I took the job with the department partly because I saw the benefits of having a fireman for a dad, first hand. Mine was completely hands-on and retired when he was still young enough to toss around a ball with his kids. I want that. All of it. But, with the way things are going with you, when I’m retiring from the FDNY, you’ll be a big-wig lawyer to the stars, still working twenty-hour days and making millions.”

  “And that’s a bad thing?” she shrieked. “Please tell me that being a successful career woman is not a turn off for you, Beck. Here I thought I was making a decision for a solid future—for our future—and you’re telling me I’m not?” I could tell by the way her hands were scrunched into fists at her side that she was furious. Rather than point out the obvious, it was time to ask her the question that could make or break everything.

  “Do you want kids, Marissa?” It was a hefty question. One I never thought would matter to me at twenty-four, considering I wasn’t sure I wanted a family before I met Marissa. But I had changed all my bachelor-for-life ways since then. It took spending time at my firehouse with some of the greatest husbands and fathers I’d known and falling in love with this girl to realize I wanted the all-American dream. But if she didn’t want that, maybe I was with the wrong girl.

  “Why are you bringing this up now? Why can’t we worry about this later?”

  “Why wait until later, Ris? Why prolong the inevitable?”

  “Because I don’t want to lose you. All I’m asking for is more time,” she pleaded. Her tears welled up in her eyes and then flowed freely down her face. I wanted to reach out and swipe them away for her, but I didn’t want to give the wrong impression.

  But I also wasn’t sure I was ready to say g
oodbye for good.

  Wrapping my arms around her and cradling her face against my neck, I kissed the top of her head. So much for wrong impressions. I just couldn’t pretend I didn’t care, regardless of the disappointment I felt over things not going my way. She was a good person who had a lot going on. We both had shit to think about. “Can I make a suggestion?” I finally asked.

  “What?” she replied, her voice muffled against my chest, her tears creating a wet spot on my T-shirt.

  “Let’s take this break—”

  Her head popped up and I could already hear the words that were going to come out of her mouth. But before she could speak, I placed a finger to her lips and continued, “This test is warping your brain. You’re stressed out—for good reason. You need to focus on that. You shouldn’t have to worry about me and my demands or about making life-changing decisions right now. I’m sorry for adding more to your already overflowing plate.

  “So, for now I say you study your ass off, ace the shit out of that exam, and then we revisit this. Things will be different then. Our heads will be clearer. You’ll see.” She stood silent, taking in my words. They were pretty rational for someone who was once so immature. Damn, I’d grown up.

  She let out a huff of air as if she’d been holding her breath for some time and wiped the last of her tears from her face. Her features began to relax. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but… I think it’s a good idea.”

  Hearing her words was like having a ten ton weight lifted from my chest. “See, I’m not as dumb as I look,” I joked.

  I inched closer to seal our deal with a hug, but she backed away, zeroing in on me. “Promise me this has nothing to do with the girl you slept with.”

  Her words cut into my heart like a razor sharp blade. I wasn’t expecting her to say that and I didn’t want to lie to her, but I’d be lying to myself if I said Riley wasn’t part of the reason I was pushing this break. Marissa needed time to devote to her career and I needed time to see what else was out there before I settled down with someone who didn’t necessarily want the same things I wanted. Maybe not even what else, but who else. Riley.

  But I just couldn’t bring myself to admit that I wanted more time with another girl to see if she was capable of giving me things Marissa wasn’t willing to. So instead of starting a war, I did something I’d never done before. I looked Marissa right in the eyes… and lied.

  That prick wasn’t gonna call me, was he? It was almost eight o’clock on the night after my little sexcapade with Beck, and I was sitting around waiting for his call like a hopeless, desperate, groupie. This was so not me. Pathetic.

  When my phone did finally ring, I startled and swooped to grab it, only to feel my heart sink when Fallons’ number flashed across the screen. I contemplated letting it go to voicemail, but then decided after my dead end discussion with Tessa, I needed some Fallon-inspired wisdom. “Yo,” I picked up, answering after the third ring.

  “Spill. Now. No beating around your non-existent bush.”

  “Ewww, and how the hell do you know it’s non-existent?”

  “We use the same wax girl at the spa, doll. Now, spill.”

  I laughed, but I felt my smile quickly fade when I remembered feeling like a two-bit whore for sleeping with Beck and that I was apparently unworthy of the call he’d promised. After huffing out a long breath and closing my eyes, I finally spoke. “I did something stupid. Well, I didn’t think it was stupid while it was happening and I certainly didn’t think it was stupid when he told me I’d be hearing from him today, but now… I just feel very stupid.” Four stupids in one tiny answer. I was explaining myself rather well, wasn’t I?

  “First off, sounds like you did someone stupid, not something. Second, who is this stupid? I want deets.”

  Sounded easy enough. We’d been down this road plenty of times before, but once I told him it was Beck, all bets would be off. I could just hear the impending shriek of OMGs now.

  “Promise not to have a titty attack when I tell you?” I pleaded. I wasn’t in the mood to relive every toe-curling detail, and since Fallon already had a thing for men in uniform, he was going to want me to elaborate on every single kiss, lick, and suck. Right now all I wanted was someone to vent to—I wanted validation that I wasn’t crazy for feeling like there was something there. Maybe I was wrong for calling Fallon. Maybe I should’ve called one of the girls instead. “You know what, Fal, I just remembered I have to—”

  “Oh no you don’t, bitch,” he interrupted. “You are going to tell me who you have your skimpy little panties all in a bunch about. And if you don’t tell me now, I’ll come over there and go all Patrick Swayze in Ghost and sing outside your door until you let me in.”

  He wasn’t kidding, either. He’d serenaded me with worse than Henry the Eighth for holding out on him in the past. My neighbors wouldn’t appreciate Fallon’s off-key rendition of It’s Raining Men at this time of night. Taking one final breath for courage, I winced in anticipation of his reaction as I said his name, “Beck Matthews.”

  I could swear the bastard’s phone dropped to the floor, but listening closer I heard what sounded like over exaggerated hyperventilating. “Are you effin serious, Riles? Beck Matthews as in your brother’s best friend, Beck Matthews? As in FDNY calendar material, Beck Matthews? As in I fantasize about him at least once a week, Beck Matthews?” Fallon always found a way to put the queen in drama queen.

  “That would be the one.” I smiled to myself, feeling kind of proud of my Fallon-approved accomplishment. My friend had just made it like I’d conquered someone far out of my league. I couldn’t deny that it felt insanely good to have gotten a taste of one hot hunk of desirable man.

  “Well, hot diggity damn, girl. What the hell is stupid about fucking the shit out of Beck Matthews? I’d switch places with you any day.”

  “Okay, well, I don’t think he’d be too keen on that considering he’s straight, and the reason I feel stupid is because… ” I paused, trying to think of the reason that sounded best. There were plenty of them, but I didn’t want Fallon to know how truly pathetic I felt for allowing my fling with Beck to hold any significance.

  “Oh, shit, Riles. You like him, don’t you?” Even through the damn phone this guy knew the real deal.

  I deflated against the cushions, wishing I could sink into their warmth and bask in it. The plush cushiness brought back memories of my legs wrapped around Beck, fisting the soft material as he made me scream out his name. Mmmm, yummy.

  Snapping back to reality, I let out a frustrated whimper. “See. I really am stupid. Why do I let these things happen to me, Fal?”

  “Before I make you rehash your whole evening to me with complete, colorful descriptions, let me ask you something.”

  “Go.”

  “Do you want to do it again?”

  Of course I did, but did Beck want to do it again? He was on a break with Marissa, but he left this morning because she called. For all I knew, he was at her place right now making up. I wasn’t going to be the other woman. Hells no.

  “I don’t know if that matters. Things are complicated, Fal. Besides the fact that he’s my brother’s best friend and I’ve known him since he was a damn toddler, he also has a girlfriend, or had a girlfriend… I don’t know. And then there’s the little issue of me being the biggest hypocrite that ever walked the planet. I’ve been giving Tessa and Marcus the third degree over whatever it is they have going on. If I start up something with Beck, they’re going to lynch me for it.” Shit, this was more complicated than I’d thought.

  “Can I ask another question? Kind of off topic, but I think it’s still a valid one.” Fallon’s reactions had gone from curious to concerned. This was why I’d called him. I could always count on him when it came down to it.

  “Of course,” I answered, feeling like his questions would help me get the answers I needed.

  “Why do you care if Marcus and Tessa are together?”

  The question was easy e
nough, but the answer was a lot more complicated. “Because they don’t belong together.” That barely scratched the surface.

  “Okaaaay, meddling sister and jealous friend, that still doesn’t answer my question. Why. Do. You. Care? Let them figure it out for themselves. It has nothing to do with you.”

  “You’re wrong. It has everything to do with me. Tessa barely has anyone in her life to lean on. She has me and I’m not sure exactly how close she thinks she’s gotten to Marcus, but I guess we can say she kind of has him, too. But once he’s done messing with her and tosses her aside like he always does—I’m all that’s left. And that’s if she allows me to stick around.

  “It’s not my story to tell so I won’t, but she has a piece of shit for an ex who made her life a living hell. He was abusive and possessive and made her turn her back on me, on everything. I don’t want to lose her again—this time because my brother can’t commit. She can’t handle the aftermath of being duped by Marcus Grayson after everything she’s been through.

  “I love Tessa with all my heart, but she’s no good for Marcus either. If and when he does decide to actually date someone, I think he needs to test the waters slowly at first. He can’t dive into the deep end with a woman full of baggage and emotional issues. They are just no good for each other. End of story. I want to protect them both from inevitable heartache.” It was a mouthful, but it was what I’d been telling Marcus and Tessa all along. They were setting themselves up for doom and gloom, and I only wanted to prevent it for both of them.

  “Riles, you can’t live your life protecting other people all the time. Especially your brother. He’s a grown man now, and just because your mother isn’t around to give him a good ass-chewing now and then, doesn’t mean you have to take her place. Wanna know what I think?”