Keep Her

by Faith Andrews

  The day was one thing, but the night was a whole different beast. After work, I went to the market to get a few things to make my dinner for one. I picked up a bottle of wine and some flowers to replace the ones that were wilting in my kitchen. All of this just reminded me of how alone I was. Strong, confident, witty, smart—I was all those things and wasn’t too shy to admit it, but I was also lonely.

  Up until recently, I didn’t realize how badly I longed for someone to be home waiting for me with a home cooked meal, a bouquet of just-because-I-love-you flowers, and two wine glasses to toast our happiness. Was that too much to ask for? I really didn’t think so. Maybe I was just looking in the wrong places. Even though I thought for a fleeting moment that I could have all those things with Beck, it looked like I might have to start the search all over again.

  Sipping my glass of Chianti and watching another rerun episode of Friends, I decided to check on Marcus. I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up, laughing at the awkward ways Chandler and Monica had to hide their relationship from Ross. How ironic. I can’t even escape the memories in sitcom syndication heaven… sheesh.

  “What?” He finally answered. He was obviously still brooding.

  “Hi, Marcus. How you doing?” I ignored his tone and went on with my reason for calling.

  “Same as yesterday. Can’t get in touch with her, so nothing much has changed unless you’re calling to tell me—”

  “Nope. Sorry. Just wanted to check in.”

  “Bitch!”

  “Enough, Marcus. You can’t be mad at me forever. It’s not my fault. I’m sorry she’s not answering your calls, but when she’s ready she’ll let you know what’s going on.” Easy enough advice—would Beck do the same thing? I hoped so. I couldn’t stay guessing like this forever. It was torture. I understood exactly what Marcus was going through.

  “I’m sorry. I know it’s not your fault. I’m just so scared of losing her.”

  I understood that too. “I know, hun. But you won’t. Promise. I’ll help this time. Once she’s cooled down, I’ll help you get her back.” One of us deserved to be happy, right?

  “If you really mean that, then thanks.” His voice was raspy and subdued now. Maybe he was finally calming down and taking my advice. Or maybe he was putting on the aloof act too. It was all about how you made people see you, not the truth that was churning and bubbling the doubt inside.

  I may’ve had to be aloof in front of Fallon, but Marcus had no clue. “Hey, talk to Beck? Is he okay? You said Marissa was giving him shit?”

  “He didn’t say much when I spoke to him today. He was at work. Took on a few extra days because one of the guys had a family emergency or something.”

  Why that made me smile, I didn’t know. Okay. I did know. Beck was busy. It made me hopeful. Maybe he wasn’t avoiding me. Maybe he was just working.

  “Oh, okay. Sorry you two are both having girl trouble,” I said, trying to give a reason for my Beck-inquiry without looking suspicious. “At least you have each other.”

  “Yup. Guess so.”

  “You have me too, you know?” I wanted him to know that even though I’d given him and Tessa shit for everything I was ready to make up for all of that now.

  “I know Ry, and thank you. I just hope she comes around soon.”

  “She will. I’m pretty sure she loves you too. The few times she spoke about you to me she could barely hide her smile. That says a lot. Believe me, I know.”

  “God, I hope so.” It sounded like he was actually praying.

  I was about to ask if he wanted some company for a little while when my phone alerted me of an incoming text. “Hold on a sec?”

  “Yup.”

  I moved the phone from my ear to see Beck’s name light up the screen. My heart thudded quickly and my smile spread wide. Even if it only said one tiny word, he’d reached out and I needed to see what it said. “Marcus, I gotta go. Fallon’s texting me about work stuff. You sure you’re good? I can come over if you—”

  “I’m good. I’m gonna call it a night soon. Tomorrow’s another day.”

  “Maybe tomorrow’s the day. I have a good feeling.” I said it just to appease him, but apparently it did because I could almost hear the smile through the phone.

  “From your mouth, sis. Good night.”

  “’Night, love. Talk to you tomorrow.”

  I hung up the phone and rushed to check the message.

  Beck: Hey

  So it was only one word. It meant that whatever I said next would set the tone for the rest of the conversation. I took a deep breath and put on my Aloof Riley hat.

  Me: Hey

  Two could play the indifferent game.

  Beck: Sorry I never called this morning. I went in to work and took on a few extra shifts.

  Me: That’s okay.

  Beck: Talk to Marcus?

  Me: Yup. He’s still upset, but a little calmer. Hope she comes around soon and doesn’t keep him waiting in agony.

  I meant that for both me and Marcus. Would he pick up on it?

  Beck: Ry?

  Me: Beck?

  Beck: I didn’t get back together with her if that’s what you’re thinking.

  I closed my eyes and did a happy dance in my head. That was good, but I wasn’t about to let him think that was what I’d been waiting for.

  Me: Sorry to hear that?

  Beck: Not sorry at all.

  Me: Well then, I’m happy it worked out the way you wanted it to.

  Beck: Ry?

  Me: Beck?

  Beck: I want to be with you… I really do, but I think we need to take a step back. Last week was amazing and intense and I loved every minute of it, but I don’t think I’m in a good position to start a new relationship right out of an old one. It wouldn’t be fair to you either.

  Seriously? Did I just read that right? My heart sank to my toes, the blood left my brain, and the tears started to well up in my eyes. Was he freaking kidding me? I wanted to throw the phone across the room, but I also wanted to forget this texting bullshit and call him up to scream at him. Had I imagined our whole magical weekend? Was I a total sucker for thinking Beck and I were on the same page? God, this hurt. I’d been rejected before, broken hearted even, but this… this fucking sucked. I really liked him. I wanted more than just fun. I thought he did too.

  Aloof Riley. Aloof Riley—where the hell are you right now? Please take over my fingers and ignore what my brain is telling me to type.

  Me: Ok

  Beck: Ok? That’s all you have for me?

  Screw you, Aloof Riley. Say what’s on your mind.

  Me: No, I have a lot more for you, but it seems you don’t want it right now.

  Beck: Oh, Riles. That’s not it at all. I’m sorry it came out that way. I want to try this. I just can’t make you promises.

  Me: I totally understand. No worries.

  Beck: Can I see you one night this week?

  I wanted to say yes. I wanted to see him more than he could possibly imagine, but I also couldn’t be just a good time to him. I wanted more than that, and he wasn’t ready to give it to me. What was the use in getting my feelings dragged through the proverbial mud while he figured himself out? That was the story of my life. It was time for me to change that ending.

  Me: I’m really busy this week. I took on a few extra clients. Maybe next week?

  Beck: You blowing me off, sweet thing?

  Me: Nope, wouldn’t dream of it.

  Beck: LOL ok good.

  Me: Perfect

  Beck: Just like you

  Before this went somewhere I couldn’t handle it going, I decided to cut him short.

  Me: So sweet. Thanks, B. I gotta go do a little work before bed. Talk to you later?

  Beck: Night, babe.

  Me: Night

  After I texted my last response, I threw the phone to the opposite side of the couch to prevent myself from writing what I really wanted to. My plan to play it cool seemed to work, but it was all
a lie. Inside I was nothing close to calm and aloof. I was heated, anxious, bursting with a thousand different uncontrollable emotions. I wanted what Beck couldn’t give me right now and I didn’t want to settle for less and take the chance that he’d never be ready to give it to me. Deep down, I felt that if I gave him the time he needed, it would work out the way I wanted it to, but it was all about coping now.

  Playing this game of pretending I was someone I wasn’t was no fun at all.

  Almost one week of brush offs and oneworded texts. I was losing my fucking mind trying not to overreact. After all, it was my dumbass idea to back off from Riley. It was my idiotic idea to plant it in her head that I didn’t want anything serious. It was my stupid mistake to think I could live without her now that I’d gotten a taste of how good we could be together.

  So many times this week I wanted to show up at her place and tell her to forget all about it. To tell her I’d take her however I could get her, even if it meant going all in, hasty, rushed, and frenzied—the way it all started.

  But something kept holding me back. I didn’t think my conscience was smart enough to be convincing so the only explanation was that I had Riley’s best interests at heart. If she was being standoff-ish—and she was—it had to be for good reason. Maybe she was second-guessing things herself. Maybe I wasn’t worth the trouble. Maybe she’d already moved on. The possibilities were endless and driving me fucking mad.

  I kept busy—well, as busy as a fireman with no fires to put out could be—at the firehouse, but today was my first day off and I found myself moping around my apartment with absolutely nothing to do.

  So it was like a fucking miracle from the heavens above when I received a text from Marcus, asking me to come over to Tessa’s and watch the game with them, and… Riley. When I heard she was there the hope that coursed through my body was electrifying. I got dressed and ready so quickly it had to be a record for the Guinness Book. I set another world record for getting to her place and finding a parking spot on her usually crowded block in under twenty minutes. Eager much? Yup… you betchya. I needed to see this girl again, even if it wouldn’t be the reunion I was hoping for.

  After ringing the bell, Tessa opened the door to greet me. Instead of a warm, welcoming smile, she shot me an intentional look that told me she knew exactly what was going on with Riley and me… even though I had no idea myself.

  “Hey, Tess. Thanks for inviting me over. This is for you.” I handed her the six pack of beer and leaned in to kiss her cheek.

  She pulled back, arching an eyebrow. “Mmm hmm. Thanks for the beer, but I’m not happy with you right now.”

  “Me? What did I do?”

  She gestured me inside, putting her finger over her mouth. “Shh. We don’t need Marcus knowing about you and Riley, especially since there isn’t exactly a you and Riley anymore, is there?”

  I followed behind her, shaking my head. Girls were so confusing. It was Riley who’d backed off lately, not me. I could only imagine the conversations these two had been having since she came back from Arizona and went back to being all gooey eyed around Marcus. “Listen, Tess. I don’t know what she’s told you, but—”

  “Hey, stop monopolizing my girl and get in here. The Yanks are losing—again. I think we need to do our old ritual to get them out of their slump.”

  Marcus was seated on the couch with Luca bouncing up and down on his knee. My friend was so chipper it was almost sickening. But it was a nice change from the miserable grouch he’d been while Tessa was gone. Now that she was back, now that they were in love and the whole world knew it, he was happy. I needed to be happy for him.

  “Hey, bro. What’s the score?” Ignoring the hole Tessa was burning into my back with her disapproving stare, I joined my friend on the couch and sat back to hopefully watch the Yankees rally up a win.

  Riley still hadn’t made an appearance, but I heard her voice coming from the kitchen and assumed she was in there on the phone—probably with a client. She did say she’d been extra busy these days; I had no choice but to believe her. Even though I didn’t.

  She was avoiding me. Avoiding her feelings. But the fact that they’d invited me over with her here meant she didn’t totally hate me and wasn’t afraid to be in the same room.

  I’d have to wait to see her to gauge her feelings toward me. Had she encouraged Marcus to invite me? Did she even know I was here? God, it was killing me to wait. I was visibly squirming in my chair and Marcus noticed.

  “What the fuck, dude? You all right over there?”

  “Yeah, sorry. Hurt my back working out the other day. Can’t get comfortable.”

  He bought my excuse, and I stretched out my muscles, looking over to the door that separated the living room from the kitchen for the hundredth time in a minute.

  When it swung open, my eyes met with hers and the air escaped my lungs in a whoosh as if I’d been holding it in since I got here. She looked effortlessly beautiful, like always. Her short hair was pinned back and off her face, revealing the stark icy blue of her eyes. She was wearing little if any make-up at all, and it looked like she’d just thrown together her outfit without any thought—a tight fitting ribbed tank top and a pair of casual shorts that showed off her silky tan legs. Even when she went for the natural look she was smoking hot.

  I mentally devoured her entire body, staring a beat too long. Tessa cleared her throat, noticing my ogling and my eyes darted up to meet Riley’s again. “Hey, Riles.” I said as nonchalantly as possible.

  “Hey,” she said back, looking down at her fidgeting hands. Fidgeting was good. In this case at least. It meant she’d noticed how I was looking at her, how she affected me. I wanted to have the same effect on her. Her fidgeting made me think I did.

  I unwillingly broke my gaze from hers to make it like I was paying attention to the game. I cursed something at the screen, seeing how Pettitte had just blown another run for the opposing team, and everything started to fall into its usual place. That was, until Riley sat down next to me and I nearly let out a girly pussy-like gasp. She was so close, all I wanted to do was touch her. I could smell her perfume and her fruity shampoo and I just wanted to reach over and sniff all of her in.

  Tessa must’ve sensed that I was acting like a blood-starved vampire in the company of a virgin victim and broke the silence. “Beck, can you help me grab a few more beers from the kitchen?”

  Marcus responded something barbaric about him being able to help out his girl before I could answer, but Tessa shushed him and I got up from my seat to follow her into the kitchen, leaving Marcus, Luca, and Riley alone. I hoped Luca would be the center of attention for however long Tessa decided to keep me hostage, ripping me my new asshole. I didn’t need Riley confessing to him now of all times.

  When the door had swung closed behind us, Tessa turned to me and asked, “So? Want to explain why you chickened out and broke my girl’s heart?”

  Broke her heart? Riley was acting completely indifferent. “Whoa. Hold up a minute,” I defended myself with my arms up in front of my chest. “She’s been avoiding me, declining my invitations to hang out. Did she tell you any of that?”

  “She told me plenty. Especially about how you changed your tune after Marissa showed up last week. She’s only giving you the space you asked for, Beck. You’re obviously not trying hard enough—unless of course you don’t want to try harder.” She gave me that look again. It made me wonder if all mothers were taught that you’re-in-trouble glare the second they gave birth.

  I geared myself up for the wrath that would probably ensue after I told Tessa the truth. But what the hell? I was already on her shit list. “I can’t try any harder, Tess. I don’t want to lead her on. Don’t get me wrong. I want her. I really do. I have a great time with her and not just in bed—she’s an incredible woman. I can see myself with her.”

  “I’m sensing a but, even though it seems simple to me.”

  “There’s nothing simple about it. It’s very complicated—you of
all people have to understand that, Tess. I don’t want Marcus to think I’m fucking around with his sister. He wouldn’t understand me jumping into something with Riley right out of my relationship with Marissa. Hell, he doesn’t even know the whole story with her because he’s been so preoccupied with chasing you around the country.”

  “Never mind me and Marcus, go on.”

  “I can’t give her everything she wants right now. Maybe someday, but until then, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. I’m willing to do this casually and have fun and even be discreet for the sake of not making Marcus have a coronary, but I don’t think she wants that. I think that’s why she’s been avoiding me.” It was the only explanation. Our connection was fucking insane, but where our hearts were involved, we were on two totally different pages.

  Tessa huffed, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. She’d been through so much, a lot of it similar to my situation with Riley, since starting things up with Marcus. This wasn’t easy for her, either. She was invested in the Graysons… that was clear. “What a clusterfuck. I wish I had a solution, but I’m still trying to figure out my own screwed up life. I’m finally getting there and I couldn’t ask for more when it comes to Marcus, but—let’s just say I understand complicated. It’s been a theme in my life, and while it worked out to my benefit this time, sometimes people aren’t fit to deal with complicated. Sometimes people just want what comes easy. Riley needs easy—she’s had enough hardship. If you can’t give that to her then you need to walk away… for good.”