“I’m fine, besides you won’t be like this forever. Anyway, I need to get dressed, I’m freezing.”
After nodding, she watched as he wheeled over to the French doors to gaze outside at the backyard, then ran upstairs to do something about her now-dry hair to get out the knots and get dressed.
“Fuck.” The longing on Lily’s face kicked him in the gut. He wanted her with every fiber of his being, but not like this. Not with every movement stilted and pain-ridden. He wanted to lift her onto his lap and pleasure her until her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed against his chest. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to do that again. Yeah, the docs said it was just a matter of time but it’d already been over seven months. How freakin’ much longer? He loved her, but he wasn’t good enough for her anymore. He couldn’t give her what she needed or wanted. That was the problem. Every waking moment reminded him of what he was—helpless. He’d been taking care of himself since he was in high school and had started driving. Once he’d gotten his license, his parents decided he could take care of himself, and they’d left to travel the world for his father’s business.
After that he’d seen them on the holidays—mostly—but it changed forever on September eleventh two thousand and one. They’d been in a meeting with their financial advisor at the World Trade Center when the planes hit. Away at college, he hadn’t even known they were back in the states until he’d gotten the call from his father’s secretary. It had been his sophomore year and after that, he and Logan, his best friend, joined the ROTC. The rest was history.
As he watched through the glass of the French doors, a pair of Sand Hill Cranes strutted along the edge of the lake. Their tell-tale squawk could be heard all around the neighborhood and sounded like someone was being killed. After a moment, a smaller version of the bird ran to catch up to the parents. Seeing the bird family reminded him again of what he couldn’t give to his wife. They’d tried for years and now in a chair who would even give them the option to adopt? Sure, the docs said he’d walk again, but he knew from experience they said lots of things that didn’t pan out. The coffee churned in the pit of his stomach as disappointment swirled in his mind.
He’d lied to Lily when he said he’d dropped the mug while reaching for it. If she thought about it, she’d probably have realized it too. He didn’t want her to know the truth. Hearing the shower running upstairs, he’d taken the chance. Pushing up with his arms he made it to his feet as they’d showed him in PT. But that was as far as he got. He was upright for a whole two Goddamn seconds before the pain took his breath away. His fingertips had just reached the mug handle when he fell backward into the wheelchair, and the cup slid from his grip. He’d been fucking lucky to land in the chair and not on his ass on the floor. The mug? Not as lucky.
So much for getting better. Over seven damn months and he still couldn’t take more than a step or two without pain so bad he’d almost passed out. What the fuck, man? Seriously. Did they think he was stupid? The more he thought about it, the angrier he grew. This is not the life Lily had bought into. Not to be stuck with half a man, to wait on like the child he hadn’t been able to give her. And he didn’t want her pity, she might try to mask it but he knew she had to feel it, her and everyone else he came across. Look at the poor soldier in the wheelchair, but don’t look too close, you might have to talk to him.
Except Logan.
True or not, in Logan’s face he saw guilt which was even worse than pity.
There was no way he’d wish this on anyone else and definitely not his best friend. Alex understood the guilt, and if he’d been in Logan’s shoes he’d have felt the same way, but it didn’t mean he’d accept it. Was it too much to ask to have his old life back?
Apparently.
Fuckin’ A.
The roar of the C-120 overhead reminded him he wouldn’t be going back to Afghanistan or on any other deployment. The doctors had been clear on that at least. There’d be no more front lines for him. It’d be a desk job—maybe. Or a medical discharge. Fuck that.
Before he’d realized it, he’d sent the mug sailing across the kitchen into the backdoor. His timing was perfect as usual. The door opened, and Logan had to duck as the mug flew by his face and shattered against the door frame. Logan shook his head as he shut it behind him, his shoes crunching on the shattered pieces of ceramic.
“Fuck, Alex. You trying to kill me?”
“Bad timing. Sorry.” But he wasn’t, sorry that is, well for almost hitting Logan, yes, but not for smashing the mug. For the few moments, the cup took to go from his hand to the door, he’d been in control. Crazy yeah, like by smashing it he had control, it was his decision, and he’d done it. Even if it was just an empty cup.
“Are you okay…” Lily’s voice trailed off as walked into the kitchen and saw Logan. “Hey, Logan. Alex, what happened?”
“Besides this jackass trying to take me out? Yeah, everything’s good.”
“What?”
“It was an accident. I threw the mug at the door as he opened it. I didn’t know he was there.”
“Why would you…” Alex tried to keep his face impassive, but he was just itching for a fight. Lily, Logan, himself, anyone would do just fine. He was frustrated, he needed to do something, make a difference, not sit in a fucking chair and be waited on.
“Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a mug in our kitchen,” Alex answered while meeting her eyes, silently asking for her to drop it.
“Well damn. I guess I’ll be going shopping, not that I ever need an excuse to spend money. Be careful, Logan. Let me get that cleaned up.”
“I’ll get it, Lily. I’m sure you have stuff to get done. Chloe said you were on a tight deadline.”
“Are you sure? But yeah, I’ve got to get a presentation to the customer by five today. I still need to make us something to eat.”
“Oh. I was hoping to take Alex out for a bit.”
“Out? Fuck yeah. A change of scenery would be great. Wait, unless it’s PT. I’ll be happy to skip that shit.” Lily shook her head, but at least she didn’t look upset. He needed her to understand what he couldn’t say to her, at least not yet.
“You have to take your pills…”
“You’re not my mom, you’re my wife. I’ll be fine. Okay? Just get some work done. Logan won’t let me starve. Right?”
“Yup, I’ll make sure we get something while we’re out. Deal?”
Lily sighed but nodded. “Sure. Will you be gone long?”
Alex rolled his eyes at his wife. The smothering needed to stop, or he’d lose it for sure. “I’ll be with Logan. I’ll have my phone, everything will be fine. You don’t need to worry so much, okay? Seriously, babe.”
He hadn’t called her by any pet names for a while, and that seemed to get through to her in a way his other words hadn’t. “I’m sorry…”
“Hey, Lily. You have nothing to be sorry for. Chloe is the same way with me. It’s from always worrying about us. You can’t stop cold turkey. But Alex is right. I won’t let anything happen to him.”
Nodding again, she stepped over and kissed Alex on the forehead. He fought the urge to pull her into his arms and kiss her the way she deserved. But he couldn’t, not until he could be a real man again and he prayed that it would really happen.
After Lily had gone upstairs to her office, Logan grabbed the broom and swept up the remnants of Alex’s mug. “What was that? Since when does your wife kiss you on the forehead and you just sit there?” Logan asked as he swept the pieces into a pile.
“I’m worthless. Stuck in this fucking chair, and she has to do everything. I hate it.”
“Then do something about it. You’re not confined to barracks. This isn’t punishment. I’ve never known you to give up. Use those balls you’re so proud of or do you need to grow a new set?”
“Fuck you. My balls are just fine. It’s the rest of me that is fucked.”
“Then what the fuck? Have you talked to her about stuff? Chloe would kil
l me if I tried that shit.”
“No. I don’t know what to say. I can’t make love to my wife, I can’t work, I can’t do the one job I love. What kind of a husband am I now? She needs someone who can be a real partner.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it. She loves you. You need to get over yourself.”
“Stop telling me what to do. I’m not a child.”
“Damn it, Alex. You’re my friend, hell, the brother I never had. But I’m not going to let you throw away your marriage out of some false sense of pride.”
“I didn’t ask your opinion. If you don’t want to be here, no one’s making you stay.”
“You’d like that. It’d be easier, wouldn’t it? Well, fuck you. Go get ready.”
At first, Alex was going to object, but the pull of getting out of the house for something other than rehab was too great. It’d only been a week but home already felt like a prison.
Chapter Two
As Logan’s car backed out of the driveway, Lily breathed a sigh of relief and sent up a small prayer. She’d hoped Alex’s attitude would improve once they’d gotten home, but instead it had gotten worse. The sessions at Walter Reed had warned her that this could happen, but she’d thought she knew him better. He was a different person these days. Pain had a habit of changing people. If she hadn’t known it before, she sure as hell knew it now and it didn’t make it any easier to accept. His attitude went back and forth between being pissed off at the world and apologetic for needing so much help from her. It was maddening, and she wasn’t sure who would lose it first, her or him.
The mugs could be replaced. But she refused to let him throw their marriage away, even if it’s what he seemed hell bent on doing. Everything she’d tried so far to get through to him had failed, and she was running out of ideas. Maybe a frying pan to the head? Nah, that would be assault with a deadly cooking implement. She didn’t think she’d do well in jail. There had to be some way to get through to him.
Grinning for the first time in a week, she booted her computer and got to work. The Walcott presentation needed to be finished by the end of the day to email it over for their review before she gave the presentation at Walcott’s offices in the morning. In the BAI world—before Alex’s injury—she’d have been done early. Instead, she’d barely started.
He was still drawing pay, but Lily wasn’t sure what the future was going to hold. They needed her business to make sure they stayed above water. Besides, it kept her from having a meltdown. Work gave her something to focus on and was probably the only thing keeping her sane. Unfortunately, everything she’d tried to create since they’d been home had been total crap. It wasn’t going to cut it. A job was a job, and she never went back on her commitments. Deadlines were made to be met, and she’d be damned if this time would be any different.
The Walcott Corporation was a new client. Her accountant had referred him while she was still up in Maryland, and she’d been happy for the work even though so far it had been a struggle. They bought the property the old Ramada Hotel had occupied until Hurricane Frank had destroyed it five years ago. Since then the land had been vacant. There’d been lots of speculation especially since it was prime beachfront property. Then last year it had sold. She had never heard of the Walcott Corporation, and she still didn’t know much other than they were a privately-held company. As long as they paid their bills, she didn’t really care. Although it did seem kind of odd that they’d come out of nowhere. There’d been a lot of speculation about what the property would be used for, and until they’d begun construction, no one had a clue.
Terrence Walcott along with five of his top staff had given her a tour of the facilities the day after they’d gotten home. The fitness complex included a state-of-the-art fitness center, spa, upscale restaurant, and shops more luxurious than anything else in Willow Haven.
It was a huge project, and a coup for Lily to have gotten the job, especially having been off the radar in town so long. But she wasn’t going to look a gift horse, or in this case project, in the mouth. She had a good group of clients, but this could open lots of new opportunities if she didn’t screw it up.
And screwing it up was all she’d done this week. It was like hitting her head against a brick wall trying to come up with something, anything, that she could present. Now she was out of time. Finally, though she’d had a breakthrough last night after Alex had gone to bed. After messing with it for four days, she’d come up with the perfect logo, and from there the rest had fallen into place. But that’s how it always worked for her. If she could get one part, the rest was cake. Now she just had to hope that Walcott and his team liked it too.
Lily’s stomach growled. Holy shit. It’d been four hours since Logan and Alex had left and she’d been working. Blowing her bangs off her forehead with an exhale, she flexed her neck and shoulders to work out some of the kinks that being hunched over a keyboard created. Then she stood up and stretched, relief that it was done lightening her mood.
She’d done it, put together the presentation and even better—she liked it—really, really liked it. The low rumble in her tummy was getting a bit louder and insistent. Then she remembered with all the distractions she had never eaten breakfast, no wonder she was so hungry. It sucked when your body got used to eating. She’d liked it better when she could eat once a day and be done with it. Once a day and a bottomless cup of coffee, at least when she was working on a project.
Giving into her body’s demand for food, she figured she’d grab something then go over the entire presentation one more time before emailing it to Mr. Walcott’s assistant, Enid Mercier. It never hurt to double check, there was nothing worse than sending an email or a report and finding a typo after you hit the send button. It was the stuff of her nightmares…or had been until Alex’s injury. Now her dreams were filled with visions of her husband being blown to bits. The dreams had been coming with less frequency at least, but she longed for the time when she could have a full night of sleep without waking up in a cold sweat convinced her husband was dead.
As her foot hit the last step, she heard the kitchen door open. Perfect timing. Maybe they could have lunch together unless Logan had stuffed him full of crap earlier. That was a definite possibility, the two of them together were dangerous—not in a bad way—just always getting into trouble. She and Chloe had often joked that they’d never grow up and always act like twelve-year-old boys. Rounding the corner and entering the kitchen she called out.
“Hey. Did you have a good time, butthead?” Damn. She hadn’t meant to call him that. It’d been one of the names she used to call him and she cringed inside waiting for his reaction. That’s when she noticed he wasn’t alone, Logan was there too, and he had a four-legged furry thing on a leash sitting next to him in the kitchen. A dog?
“Bringing home strays, Logan?”
“Nope, he lives here. Unless you’re tossing him out? Oh wait, you meant the dog, didn’t you?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“He’s mine,” Alex cut in. It was the last thing Lily expected, and she’d hoped that Logan had gotten it for the girls. Except Chloe would have killed him.
“This is Hunter. He’s a service dog. Logan put in a request after he knew when I’d be released from the hospital. He’s trained and everything.” The dog sat next to Alex like he was waiting for her approval. Lily had no clue what type it was. Brown and tan medium-length fur made him look like he was covered in scruffy patches. Not exactly the cutest pup ever. Then she looked into his chocolate-brown eyes. It was like he understood everything, Alex’s pain and frustration, and her fear. How she could tell that she had no idea, she sure as hell wasn’t a dog whisperer. But somehow, he seemed to see into her soul.
Maybe this would be a good thing. Alex smiled down at the dog. Smiling, really smiling—even the corners of his eyes crinkled up. That alone was a minor miracle. “Gee, Logan. Thanks.” No sense in letting him off the hook that easily.
“You’re welcome,” Logan answered wit
h a sheepish grin. He knew her well enough to expect an ass kicking. But anything that could make Alex smile like the old days was okay with her.
Lily moved closer to Hunter and crouched down until she was eye level with their new furry family member. “Are there any rules? Can I pet him?”
“No, he’s mine.” Alex’s words and tone were so gruff, if she hadn’t looked up, she’d have believed him. The smile plastered on his face took the sting out of his words. She’d been waiting for more than seven months to see that smile, and there it was. Thanks to Hunter. She was in love with him already. “Just kidding. You can as long as he’s not working.”
“Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Every day for the next two weeks, Alex and Hunter need to go for training at Paws for Hope. Will you be able to take him if I can’t?” Logan asked.
“No problem.” Lily held out her hand and let Hunter sniff her before she scratched behind his floppy ears. “What kind of a dog is he?”
“A mutt. Actually, a shelter rescue. The Paws for Hope people search shelters for dogs to rescue and train to be service dogs. Isn’t that great?”
Lily nodded. It was amazing. Whoever thought of it should be given a medal. “Logan, what made you think of doing this?”
“I can’t take the credit. You remember Tag, right? I think you met him a few times.”
“Yeah. He and Mac were injured a while back, right?”
“Yup. Just over a year ago. His Humvee hit an IED and Mac pulled him and a bunch of guys to safety.”
“Yeah. I remember. We brought food over to Charlie and Shannon’s house after we heard the news.”
Logan nodded. All the men knew that the wives helped each other when one of their own was injured or worse. She shuddered at the memory. It had been a devastating week. Three dead, and four wounded in two separate incidents. But Logan’s voice pulled her back to the present.
“It was his idea. He says Jackson, his dog, changed his life. I figured it couldn’t hurt to see if I could get one for Alex. But of course, that was before I knew what an asshole he’d turned into.”
A Soldier's Triumph: An Eagle Security & Protection Agency Novel (Beyond Valor Book 3) Page 2