Heartbeat

by Belinda Williams

  “Fucking hell,” Levi breathed.

  If Gabe wasn’t holding me up, I probably would have collapsed onto the floor. Gently, ever so gently, he guided me over to Levi and nodded at him. I watched, strangely detached, as Levi’s arm came around my waist and Gabe stepped away from us.

  “So you would have had sex with her?” Gabe’s face was now inches from the lead singer’s.

  Johnnie looked past his shoulder at me, but remained mute.

  “Answer me!”

  Johnnie flinched. “Yes, yes, alright, I would have had sex with her if she’d let me.”

  “But you’d just had sex with Faith,” I cried. My knees gave out and Levi lowered me slowly to the arm of the chair.

  “Breathe, Chloe, just breathe, it’s OK,” he whispered in my ear.

  “No! No, it’s not OK!” I pointed a finger at Johnnie. “You! I would expect this of you, but Mama . . . ” I dropped my arm because what else could I say? My own mother wanted to film me having sex with a famous rock star because it would be good for my profile. There were no words.

  “Get out,” Gabe said, shoving him backward so Johnnie stumbled and almost fell.

  Johnnie nodded. “Yeah, I’ll do that.” He took a few steps in the direction of the stairs but remained facing us like he was scared to turn his back on us. “Again, I’m so sorry, Chloe, I—”

  “Now!”

  Johnnie jumped and his dark eyes went so wide he actually looked terrified of Gabe. He turned around quickly and left without another word.

  I stared after him. “Why? Why would he agree to do something like that?”

  Levi sighed. “You know that reckless kid at school who would take all the risks? That’s Johnnie. He probably thought it would be fun.”

  “Fun,” I repeated like I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

  “Hey.” Gabe crouched down in front of me and nodded at Levi. His friend shot me a worried look before moving away.

  “I’ll see you later,” he said.

  “Bye, Levi.” That was from me. I think.

  Gabe waited until we were the only ones downstairs. “Hey,” he said again, wiping away the tears that were trailing down my cheeks.

  I was crying? I reached up and touched my face, confused.

  Gabe leaned in and kissed my fingers softly. “I won’t ask if you’re alright.”

  I shook my head while more tears began to fall.

  “Do you want to stay here?” he asked.

  I blinked.

  “At my place,” he said. “While you decide what to do?”

  “What to do?”

  His gray eyes were sad as he got up to sit beside me on the sofa. “Yeah. I assume you don’t want to go home right now. You can stay here until you make up your mind.”

  In the silence that stretched between us my brain finally caught up and I understood something.

  I wasn’t going home.

  I didn’t want to. Not ever again.

  No matter what Mama said, or how she tried to justify it, I didn’t want to hear it.

  Tomorrow, first thing, I’d make arrangements to move out.

  Chapter 29

  “Damon’s already in the car. It’s time to go.”

  I looked up from where I was sitting at Gabe’s kitchen table and stared blankly at Viktor.

  “Tinker, what’s wrong?” He strode over and stopped at the edge of the table.

  Gabe was standing nearby making a coffee but remained silent.

  I swiped at my wet cheeks. Every time I tried to stop crying I seemed to find more tears. Every way I thought about it, the situation just didn’t make sense. Mama had always been my devoted champion and my biggest fan. At least, I thought she had. Now I was starting to see that her insatiable desire for constant media attention was about more than simply wanting her daughter’s career to go well.

  I sniffed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “OK. Let’s head home then.”

  “I’m not coming home.”

  Viktor stilled. A man like him never looked shocked but I could tell my unexpected response had thrown him. “Yes, you are. Come on.”

  I jumped up. “I’m not five years old!” My high-pitched voice echoed around Gabe’s vaulted ceilings.

  Viktor held up his hands. “I know that, but let’s not argue. It’s time to go.”

  “Didn’t you just hear me? I’m staying here.”

  Viktor dropped his hands and his eyes turned steely. “I’m not leaving you with him.”

  A bubble of hysterical laughter escaped. “Him? Gabe won’t hurt me.”

  “No, he’ll do other things.”

  From behind me I heard Gabe set a mug down on the counter and I held a hand up. “No, I got this.” I rounded the table to stand directly in front of Viktor. “You’re overstepping the mark.”

  His jaw clenched. “My job is to look after you.”

  “That doesn’t extend to you having a say on who I choose to spend my time with.”

  Viktor’s lip curled in disgust. “You’re too good for him.”

  “You have no right! Do you understand? No right!” Perhaps poking my finger into the chest of my toughest bodyguard wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I was suddenly unable to control all the anger I had about what Mama had done.

  He caught my wrist gently. “You don’t know anything about him.”

  Instead of twisting out of Viktor’s grip I stared at him in surprise. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Viktor shot a hard glance over my head at Gabe, who was still watching us from the kitchen. “Have you asked your boyfriend here about his past?”

  I wrenched my hand from his grip. “You’ve run a background check on him!”

  Viktor crossed his arms over his broad chest. “It’s my job to protect you.”

  “Well, you’ve gone too far, do you hear me?” I cast a distraught glance back at Gabe. He stood perfectly still and his fingers were white where he was gripping the counter. Oh my God, this was so many shades of fucked up. If Gabe wasn’t scared away by my Hollywood lifestyle, my overzealous bodyguard would do the trick.

  “That may be, but I take my instructions from your mother—”

  “Mama can burn in hell for all I care!”

  Viktor didn’t move but the lines in his forehead deepened. “She’s just looking out for you, Tinker.”

  “I don’t need babysitting! Now please leave me alone.”

  Viktor still didn’t move. “I can’t leave you here without a bodyguard, not after—”

  “Dammit Viktor, would you just fuck off!”

  Viktor’s mouth dropped open.

  Alright, so this was Viktor shocked. I immediately felt terrible and was grateful when Gabe came around the counter and took my hand. The regular Chloe would have rushed over and apologized for speaking to Viktor like that, but I couldn’t. Not now. He’d been about to mention the stalker and I just couldn’t deal with that right now. I didn’t have the strength to have that conversation, but I did have enough stubbornness to hold my bodyguard’s gaze.

  Viktor looked down at his feet and rubbed his jaw. “I’ll pick you up in the morning and take you to the studio.”

  “I’ll be dropping Chloe on-set tomorrow.” They were the first words Gabe had spoken since Viktor had stepped into the kitchen.

  Viktor stepped forward. “Like hell you will.”

  I opened my mouth to tell him to back off, but Gabe got in first.

  “I promise I’ll make sure she gets there safely.”

  Viktor’s hands formed fists against his sides. “You her bodyguard now?”

  “No, I’m her boyfriend and I’ll do whatever it takes to look after her.”

  “Whatever it takes?” Viktor growled, his blue eyes flashing with distrust. “You’re hiding something and you expect me to trust you with Chloe, you—”

  “Viktor, that’s enough!” I cried, horrified by my bodyguard’s behavior. “Would you just go?”


  Viktor’s hands unclenched. “Wait until your mama hears about this.”

  “Oh, go for it. Be my guest,” I spat. “And while you’re at it, tell her she set me up with the wrong rock star. And make sure you let her know this one doesn’t like to be filmed while we’re having sex. I’d also like her to give me the footage from the night of the birthday party so no one else can get their hands on it. Can you pass all of that along for me, because I don’t think I’ll be coming home anytime soon, OK?”

  I snapped my mouth shut. Oh well, so much for it being none of his business, but he just wouldn’t let it go.

  Viktor paled. “What are you talking about?”

  I let out a shaky sigh. This was part of the reason I hadn’t wanted to tell him. I knew how much he adored my mother. His loyalty to her and our family had been unwavering for over twenty years. I may have just shouted at him for going beyond the role of bodyguard and interfering in my personal life, but I understood why he had. In a strange way, he was family.

  “You heard her,” Gabe said, his voice cold. “Chloe’s hurting right now and she needs some space. I promise I’ll take good care of her.”

  Viktor nodded but the movement was distracted. He looked over at the door then back to us. “I’ll go now.”

  He left. Only moments ago Viktor had been ready to drag me out of Gabe’s place kicking and screaming. Now he was gone.

  I released another sigh. “Thank God. I’m so sorry he spoke to you like that and that he ran a background check on you.”

  Gabe dropped my hand and went to retrieve his coffee. “He’s doing his job.” He took a sip and gazed out the window.

  I studied his profile and Viktor’s earlier words popped into my head: He’s hiding something. I immediately felt guilty for thinking it. Whatever had happened in Gabe’s past, I knew the man standing before me was decent because his actions told me so.

  Or did I?

  Before I could help myself, the next words slipped out. “I’m sorry Viktor brought up your past.”

  Gabe blinked and turned to me slowly. “He was doing his job,” he repeated.

  Have you asked your boyfriend about his past? Viktor’s words echoed in my head again and I fought to stay silent. If there was something in Gabe’s past, he needed to tell me himself. He shouldn’t be pressured—or worse, interrogated—into telling me.

  Gabe sighed and put the coffee back down, then came around to stand in front of me. He placed his hands on my shoulders, his gray eyes stormy. “My childhood was rough and I got into some trouble as a kid. I don’t like to talk about it if I can help it.”

  My heart fractured a little at the pain in his eyes. “You don’t have to! I don’t want you to if you’re not comfortable and it isn’t right that Viktor spoke to you like that and—”

  Gabe placed a finger on my lips to silence me. “All I’ll say is Mom was the only good thing in my life.”

  I gave him a tentative smile. “I’d like to meet her one day.” My smile disappeared. Talking about his mom brought back the painful situation with Mama and Damon.

  “Damon!” I cried. “Oh shit. I need to talk to him. I need to—”

  “No, you don’t.” Gabe caught me in his arms before I could run away. “You can talk to him later.”

  I pushed against his chest. “No, I really can’t. I can’t leave it like this. He’s super secretive about his sexuality and I just outed him like that to the entire band! He must be so angry with me right now.”

  He didn’t let me go. “Answer me this. Do you love him?”

  “Of course I do!”

  “Does he love you?”

  “Yes!”

  “Then it will be OK, trust me. Let him cool down. You need to cool down, too. He’s your brother. He’ll forgive you.”

  I relaxed into his arms. Maybe holding onto him wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

  “Do you think so?” I said into his shoulder. The warmth of him, the solidness of his chest, it was all so reassuring.

  “I know so.”

  I buried my face in his chest, not caring he was still wearing the T-shirt from rehearsal. Even his sweat smelled good. He sounded so certain that Damon would forgive me, but how could he know for sure?

  Until this afternoon I thought Mama would never do anything to hurt me. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to forgive her for what she had done. What if Damon was so hurt by me telling the entire band—who he worshipped—that he was gay, that he wouldn’t forgive me either?

  Chapter 30

  The next day on-set was a complete train wreck. I just couldn’t seem to focus and Malcolm got so annoyed at me missing lines or not doing the right thing that he kept yelling at me. Just after he’d shouted something particularly nasty at me, Faith grabbed my arm and dragged me off the set.

  “I’m taking her for a coffee break.” The tone of her voice dared him to argue with her.

  Malcolm seemed happy to see us go and I let Faith tug me to my trailer.

  Inside, she guided me to the seat. “Sit.”

  She turned away and took a sparkling water from the small fridge and handed it to me.

  “Trouble with lover boy?” The question was gentle rather than flippant.

  “What? No. Nothing like that.”

  After Viktor had left, I’d felt so lost that Gabe had taken the initiative of running a bath for me. He was a complete gentleman. He laid out some spare clothes for me to sleep in—an old T-shirt that was clean but somehow still smelled of him. A bath had seemed like an indulgent idea because I’d thought there was no way I’d be able to relax, but to my surprise I’d almost fallen asleep. It turned out I was exhausted. When I’d gotten out, Gabe had led me to a guest bedroom but I told him I wanted to lie down on his bed instead. I just wanted to be close to him. The last thing I remembered was him asking me what time I needed to get up in the morning.

  Faith sat down beside me. “Whatever’s going on, it can’t be good. If you don’t deal with it, I think Malcolm might fire you.”

  I blinked, still lost in my thoughts about how sweet Gabe was. “Seriously?”

  Faith grimaced. “That might be a bit extreme, but he’s reached new heights of asshole today due to your lack of focus.”

  I swore under my breath and Faith raised an eyebrow. I didn’t usually cuss like her, but since yesterday it felt good.

  “Talk to me,” she said.

  With a deep sigh, I did my best to relay what had happened—leaving out the bit about telling the band that my brother was gay.

  When I was done, Faith sat back. “Yeah, that ought to do it.”

  “Sorry?”

  “Your lack of focus.”

  I smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

  “So where are you going to live for the next couple of weeks?” she asked.

  “Honestly, I’m still figuring that out.”

  “Gabe seems happy to have you there.”

  “He is.”

  “But?”

  I hadn’t meant to sound so uncertain about my situation. “But it’s not the way I would have liked to move in with my boyfriend. Plus, he’s going on tour soon.” Not to mention, we’d only just started going out and he was my first real boyfriend. I didn’t want to rush things or force us to take things too seriously before we were both ready.

  “So stay with me until you decide what to do,” Faith said. “We’ll be in France filming soon so the last thing you need is to worry about finding a place before you go. Sort it out after we get back.”

  I gaped at her. “You’d do that?”

  “Sure. Why not? My place is plenty big enough and it’s not like we’ll be sharing a room. You don’t host crazy parties or anything, do you? Oh wait, that’s me.”

  I giggled. It felt good to laugh a little. “Sounds fun.”

  “It will be. Roomie.” Faith slung an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me.

  It was so unlike Faith to show any sort of personal emotion or affection that I felt my eyes sting with
tears. I’d really grown to treasure our friendship. We were so different—except we weren’t, according to Gabe—but we seemed to complement each other.

  I sniffed and Faith pretended not to notice. “Are you sure?” I said.

  “Do I look like the sort of person who makes offers she can’t keep?”

  I smiled. A genuine smile this time. “No. And thank you.”

  Faith let go of my shoulders and shrugged. Our moment of closeness was over. “Whatever. You’ll be happy to move out and find your own place when we get back from Europe because I’m such a total bitch.”

  “I doubt that.”

  “Anyway, we need to talk to Marc about getting you a bodyguard. Oh, and keep your loud animal sex to yourself and do it at Gabe’s place, alright? I don’t need to be reminded I’m single.”

  She reached for my hand and pulled me to my feet. “Come on. We have a movie to film. And I’m really enjoying seeing Malcolm in a bad mood. It’s therapeutic.”

  “SO, I’M GOING TO MOVE in with Faith for a while.” I looked at Gabe from beneath my lashes and let the mug of tea I was holding warm my fingers. He’d made it for me when we got back to his place after he’d picked me up from the studio.

  It had been a long day of filming, but fortunately after my conversation with Faith I’d been able to pull myself together enough to get through the rest of the day without Malcolm strangling me. At least, I thought I’d pulled myself together. The sight of Gabe waiting by my trailer at eleven pm to drive me home had nearly undone me. What was it about his quiet confidence that continued to take my breath away? He hadn’t made a big deal about coming to pick me up and it seemed like it was the most natural thing in the world despite all that had happened recently.

  In the kitchen, Gabe sat quietly for the longest time, his lip curled like something was amusing. That amusing thing had to be me, but there was tenderness in his eyes, too.

  “So it’s you, not me, right?” he said, his lip curving some more.

  “Huh?”

  “You want to move in with Faith because you’re more comfortable there.”

  “Oh, yeah, no, I didn’t mean that I’m not comfortable here, it’s just that I thought . . .” Oh God, what had I been thinking again? I couldn’t think when Gabe was looking at me like that.