Heartbeat

by Belinda Williams

  “Kill myself? Yeah, for a while I didn’t want to be me. I didn’t want to die either.”

  “But . . .” I hiccupped and turned my face toward him.

  “It was a drug overdose,” he told me. “Some bad shit. I didn’t actually want to die. Like I said, the thought of being someone else, someone normal for a while, was too tempting to resist.”

  “You are normal!” I protested.

  His dark gaze softened. “Yeah, I figured you’d say that. You were the reason I didn’t take all the drugs. I left some. I could hear your annoying voice in my head telling me not to.”

  I smiled through my tears. “Me?”

  “Yeah. You’re halfway across the world and you still won’t leave me alone.”

  I threw my arms around him and pressed my head against his chest. It had always been like this. Mama used to complain we were like twins even though we were a couple of years apart.

  “Good,” I said, the sound muffled. I lifted my head because what I had to say next needed to be heard properly. “And Damon? You need to know I think you’re perfect. If anyone ever says otherwise—”

  “It’s OK, Tinker. I don’t need your fairy dust anymore. I’m going to be a fairy for real from now on.”

  A bubble of laughter escaped instead of a sob, and Damon gave me a tired smile. “I’m done with being a regular boy. It’s boring.”

  “I love you.”

  “I know, and I love you too.”

  “WHY DIDN’T HE TELL me?”

  I skidded just outside the door to Damon’s hospital room and found myself face to face with Mama. I’d been so numb about what had happened to Damon that I hadn’t stopped to consider whether I would run into Mama here.

  She appeared distraught. More than that, she looked a mess. April Allen never looked a mess. She wore an old pair of jeans and a creased navy T-shirt I recognized from my childhood. Her usually straight auburn hair was wavy, and God forbid, tousled. She wore no make-up. It made no sense that I felt relieved to see fine lines around her eyes and mouth, and the sprinkling of freckles she always made sure to cover up.

  “That he’s gay?” My reply wasn’t snide, just tired.

  “Yes,” my mother whispered. She hugged her arms to her body like she was cold.

  “He didn’t think you’d like it,” I told her honestly.

  If she’d learned about Damon’s sexuality earlier, then perhaps I’d have tried to soften the blow. After all that had happened between us recently, I just didn’t have the energy.

  She reached over and clasped my arm. “Some of my best friends are gay!”

  “You were never happy with anything Damon did, so why would this be different?”

  Mama released me and put a hand to her head. “That’s not true!”

  “Yes, Mama it is. I could never do anything wrong, but Damon could never please you. In the end he thought it was easier to be forgotten.”

  A soft sob escaped my mother’s mouth. “This is my fault.”

  “Don’t you dare,” I told her.

  Her brown eyes widened.

  I tugged her away from the doorway and to a quiet nook just down the hall. “This is not about you, do you hear me? It’s about Damon and his self-worth and the fact that he’s had to live his entire life on the edge of the spotlight. He’s been too scared to be himself. He came out to me when he was fifteen. Fifteen. That was four years ago. He knows exactly who he is. He’s just scared to live it. Frankly, I couldn’t care less what your opinion of his sexuality is. Just promise me you will support him and if you can’t do that, stay the hell out of the media and keep your mouth shut about it. This is not another opportunity for media exposure, do you understand me?”

  My mother’s chin quivered. “Is that what you think of me?”

  “Once upon time, no.”

  Mama nodded like that was the response she’d expected. “And that man in the photo? Is that his boyfriend?”

  I shook my head. I’d already asked Damon about him and Emilio. He admitted to having a crush on Emilio, but nothing like the crush he’d had on Gabe for all these years. The night the photo was taken they’d gone to a club together. It wasn’t long after I’d blurted to the band that Damon was gay and Emilio had been trying to be a friend. Despite sharing that very heated kiss, apparently Emilio was still in love with his ex. Damon had been drunk and lonely and for Emilio it was a moment of weakness. It sounded like they’d become friends since. My already good opinion of Emilio was even better as a result.

  “No, he’s not. Damon doesn’t have a boyfriend right now.”

  “Why ever not?” Mama demanded. “He’s smart and gorgeous and talented and anyone would be lucky to have him.”

  I blinked. “Maybe you should tell him that yourself.”

  Mama sniffed, still on the brink of tears, but straightened as if determined. “Yes, I think I will. Are you staying?”

  “Not long,” I told her. “I have to return to Paris to finish filming.”

  “OK. I won’t lose him, Chloe, I promise. I may have lost you, but you’re fine without me. My darling boy is hurting and he needs me. I’m just so sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”

  She strode purposefully back toward Damon’s room.

  “Mama?”

  She stopped and turned. “Yes, Chloe?”

  I stared at her, trying to find the right words. I was still so angry with her for what she had done, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to hate her either. Despite her crazy actions, she had supported me too many years to count, even if it was misled at times. I wasn’t sure when or if I’d be able to trust her again anytime soon, but like Johnnie had said, ‘Family’s important.’ Currently my family was in pieces and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing it altogether.

  I had to accept my part in recent events, too. I was twenty-one and I’d let Mama have too much say in my life for much too long simply because it had been easier. Safer. It was up to me to take charge of my life and set some boundaries. It was time to take some risks, too.

  “You haven’t lost me,” I said softly.

  She nodded slowly. “But I can do better. I will do better.” She disappeared into Damon’s room without a second glance.

  Usually Mama would demand to know my schedule and make me promise to call her when I arrived and ask a whole lot of questions about filming. Somewhere deep inside I kind of missed her interference, but I wasn’t sad. For the first time in my life she was starting to listen to me and treat me like an adult. Maybe there was some hope for us after all.

  GABE AND I WERE ON the next plane out of LA to Paris so he could perform with Gypsy Hour and I could finish filming. By then, the media juggernaut was in overdrive. It was all over the news that Gabe and I were back together. Shots of us leaving the hospital and at the airport made front-page headlines. Meanwhile, Mama had gone into protective mode, sheltering Damon from the worst of the attention. He was refusing to talk to the media, as I’d expected. Mama had released a short statement, but declined to say anything further.

  I spent the flight catching up on emails and my laptop was currently open on a copy of the official media release Mama had Alana prepare. “My son is recovering from an unintentional drug overdose and I ask that our family is given space and respect during this difficult time. I won’t be making any comments on his sexuality except to say that I’m extremely proud of my son,” I read to Gabe.

  Gabe continued tapping a steady beat on my wrist with his thumb. “Sounds like she listened to you.”

  “Yes, I think she did.”

  “You sound surprised.”

  “Happy. Mostly, I’m happy about it, if that’s possible right now.”

  He stopped his rhythm and covered the top of my hand with his palm. “Good. I’m sorry you have to be so far away from Damon right now.”

  “He’ll be OK.” It was such a relief to know that Damon finally had my mother’s support.

  I scanned the rest of my emails. I paused on one from an u
nfamiliar address: Katie.Bright@gmail.com. The subject line read: Paris. There was an attachment.

  Was she a member of the production crew? Maybe there had been a change to the filming schedule I needed to know about. Highly likely given my unexpected departure for a few days.

  I clicked to open the message and froze.

  “What is it?”

  I shifted the laptop so he could see it and closed my eyes. “It’s another one.”

  “Son of a bitch.”

  This time the image was of me and Johnnie on the balcony in Paris sharing a kiss. A single sentence sat below: There’s no happily ever after for sluts like you.

  “I’m going to kill him,” Gabe said, his voice low.

  My eyes flew open. I was still reeling from the message and had forgotten Gabe didn’t know about the kiss. “What? No!” I lowered my voice at the curious look from the flight attendant. “I meant to tell you about that. I kissed him to say thank you.”

  “When has Johnnie ever deserved your thanks?”

  In a rush of words I explained the conversation I’d had with Johnnie before everything with Damon had happened.

  Gabe eyed the image again. “It was peck on the cheek. That’s all?”

  “Yes,” I assured him.

  “He didn’t try anything?”

  “No. He was a gentleman.”

  Gabe’s eyes flashed with skepticism.

  “Alright, he was as much of a gentleman as Johnnie can be.”

  Gabe blew out a breath. “And he saw paparazzi from the balcony?”

  “Yes.”

  “So it could have been one of them.”

  “Yes, I’m pretty sure Marc has been looking into some of photographers who have taken shots of me recently.”

  “I’m sure he has, but you know what this means, don’t you?”

  “My stalker isn’t going to leave me alone?” I replied wearily. I’d kind of gathered that much when the photo of Damon and Emilio had been released to the media.

  Gabe’s brow furrowed. “Whoever it is followed you to Paris.”

  Chapter 40

  If I’d thought security was strict before, once I returned to Paris I felt more like a member of the royal family than a Hollywood actress. Marc flew over to continue the investigation and the production team was fully briefed on the situation, so I was under watch at all times.

  I knew Marc hadn’t found any real evidence of Malcolm being the stalker, but I couldn’t help but keep my distance from him. The director made me uncomfortable at the best of times, and now he was being unnecessarily nice to me it creeped me out further. If I were a normal human being, Malcolm’s sudden sweetness would make complete sense. I’d almost lost my brother, I’d been through an awkward breakup with my boyfriend that involved my closest friend (sort of), and I had a crazy stalker. What boss wouldn’t be sympathetic?

  “I don’t know how to act when he’s nice,” Faith whispered in my ear between takes. “It makes me want to be a bitch to provoke him.”

  “Aren’t you already being a bitch?”

  She grinned and nudged me with her shoulder. “I like it when you’re feisty.”

  “Assertive, not feisty.”

  “Well, it suits you.”

  “Are you sure about drinks tonight?” I asked.

  Faith shrugged. “Yeah, why not? Safety in numbers and all that.”

  That wasn’t what I had meant. Gypsy Hour had played their final Paris show the night before and the guys were having drinks in the penthouse suite this evening before they flew to Germany to perform. Johnnie had invited Faith via me. Getting Viktor to agree to go was more difficult. I was sick of hearing words like ‘too dangerous’ and had to enlist Marc to convince him it would be alright, which of course he couldn’t guarantee. At which point Viktor insisted Marc come as well. I was pretty sure Marc’s presence was the only reason I was attending tonight and I owed Lena’s boyfriend big time.

  “Do you like him?” I asked, not able to hide my interest.

  “Who? Rock Boy? He’s interesting.”

  Interesting was definitely an appropriate description of Johnnie Walsh, but I wasn’t sure Faith had meant it in that way.

  “Really?” I said.

  “What? You think he’s too young for me?”

  “No, I didn’t say that.” I suppose now I thought about it, Johnnie was around ten years younger than Faith.

  Faith shrugged. “He’s fun.”

  “Oh, right. I get it. Fun.”

  Faith grinned at me. “You never would have joked about that before, you know.”

  Huh. I supposed she was right. A lot had changed in the weeks since my birthday. Losing my virginity had been a major change, but it was more than that. Since I’d turned twenty-one, I’d learned how to stand up for myself both on-set and at home with my mother.

  I returned her grin. “So come and have some fun.”

  Faith draped an arm around my shoulders. “I think I just might.”

  OH BOY. SO ROCK-STAR drinks and regular drinks were two very different things. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting, but this wasn’t it. The penthouse at the Paris hotel the band was staying at was packed with people. I recognized a few of the roadies, dressed casually in jeans and T-shirts, throwing back beers. The slicker, more styled guests had to be from Gypsy Hour’s management. But the women. Where had all the women come from?

  “Jesus,” Faith said when we walked in. “Groupies anyone?”

  Viktor simmered silently beside me. He was definitely not happy to be there. There were too many people and people equalled risk.

  “We should go,” he said in my ear.

  I shot a desperate glance at Marc, who was standing beside him. Nothing ever seemed to ruffle him.

  “We’re here now,” Marc said. “We’ll be keeping a close eye on you, Chloe. If you intend to leave the premises, you let us know first.”

  “Of course.” In my mind I imagined jumping in the air and giving him a high-five. For all his ‘tough guy’ outer shell, Marc understood this was the last chance I’d have to see Gabe for weeks before they continued the European leg of their tour.

  “I don’t like it,” Viktor murmured, and Marc put a hand on his shoulder.

  “Nor do I, but if you don’t let her live, whoever it is wins.”

  I gave Marc another grateful look and then let Faith tug me through the crowd. When the other attendees saw who we were a few of them gaped and people gave us room.

  The members of the band were gathered around one of the open French doors that led to the balcony. When he saw us, Johnnie came forward and slipped a hand around Faith’s waist then gave her a polite kiss on the cheek.

  “I see your reputation precedes you,” he said.

  Faith blinked at his chaste greeting. Perhaps she’d been expecting Johnnie to stick his tongue down her throat. Either way, I was going to leave her to decide what she preferred.

  I slipped past them and straight into Gabe’s arms.

  After a very long, heated kiss, he eased back.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hey,” I replied, my head spinning. “What’s with all the women?”

  “What women? The only woman I need is right here.”

  “Levi needs a woman,” I heard Johnnie say from behind me.

  “There’s more than one here,” I pointed out.

  “And the problem is?” Johnnie shot back.

  Gabe gave me a wry grin and rolled his eyes. It seemed as though he’d finally forgiven Johnnie for the birthday kiss video.

  “You’re not angry at him anymore?” I asked quietly.

  “That would be too much effort. For all his bravado, he’s easily misled and mostly harmless.”

  “Mostly,” I agreed.

  We kissed again and then I rested my head against his chest. “I’m going to miss you.”

  “Me too. But we’ve still got tonight.” He looked down at me meaningfully.

  I inhaled a tight breath. Oh, those
eyes of his were doing naughty things to me.

  He leaned in and his lips brushed my ear. “How long before we can slip away?”

  I bit my lip. Now, I wanted to go now, but I’d have to find Marc and Viktor and tell them where I was going. I sighed and told Gabe as much.

  His mouth curled in amusement. “So they can stand guard outside the door while we—”

  “Stop! I don’t want to think about it,” I moaned, which is exactly what I wanted to do while I was naked with Gabe inside of me. The thought of doing that while Viktor was nearby was beyond cringeworthy. Even if I could keep quiet, he’d still know what we were up to. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Gabe chuckled. “So let’s just slip away then.”

  “I can’t. Can you imagine if they can’t find me?”

  “So tell them you’re going to the bathroom.”

  My life really had reached new lows when I had to tell my bodyguard I wanted to go to the bathroom.

  Gabe read my dismay. “Go to the bathroom in my room and I’ll meet you there.”

  “Oh.”

  “Oh.” Gabe’s eyes told me exactly what that meant.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “I’m sure if I’m not alone with you in the next two minutes I’m going to be arrested.”

  I swallowed. I liked the sound of that way too much. “I’ll meet you there.”

  “Deal.”

  TEN MINUTES LATER I left the bathroom alone, trying to pretend I wasn’t unsteady on my feet. We hadn’t been long, but Gabe had proved expertly efficient. I’d left him inside and he would meet me at the bar in a couple of minutes.

  I smiled innocently at Viktor as I came out and headed for the bar. Oh boy. Did I need a drink. Who knew bathrooms could be so much fun?

  At the bar I saw Levi sitting talking to the guy serving drinks. Levi raised his hand and patted the stool next to him. I smiled and joined him.

  “You know you’ve reached new heights as a rock star when this is the mini bar,” he joked.

  “I’ll say.”

  I ordered a glass of champagne and turned back to Levi. “So apparently all these women are for you?”