Songbird

by Jamie Campbell

  The next few weeks passed by much the same. I was on a seemingly endless merry-go-round of interviews, rehearsals, and preparations. I was getting back into the swing of things, I actually started feeling like my old self again. Thanks to Demi’s strict rules, my eating disorder didn’t come up in any of my other press engagements. I was able to freely talk about the tour and share my excitement about going on the road again.

  It wasn’t a fake enthusiasm either, I really did love touring. Travelling around the world, getting to perform every night and meeting fans, there was nothing better than that. It was what I lived for and to actually get paid to do it was like a huge bonus.

  Unfortunately, Forest hadn’t put one foot out of place. I was beginning to think he might not be like Braydon after all. That idiot was always late for rehearsals, he got songs wrong, and he had the arrogance to think that was perfectly fine to do. Apparently you can get away with anything if you’re sleeping with the star.

  When it was just Forest and I packing up on the last day of rehearsals, I wasn’t as freaked out as I would have been six weeks earlier. I was doing a final check of my costumes to make sure they were all there before they got packed away. I was checking everything three times just to make sure it was covered. I couldn’t have any disasters on the tour, I was ultra paranoid about it.

  “So, two days and it all starts,” Forest said from the doorway. I could feel someone standing there even though I wasn’t facing the door. If it wasn’t him, then it would have been a ghost.

  “Yeah, you nervous?” I didn’t turn around, just continued to check the dresses.

  “No, it’s not my show. The bigger question is, are you?”

  I wasn’t going to confess to anyone how scared I was with the entire thing. Only Demi knew that and she wouldn’t tell anyone either. “I’m sure everything will be fine.”

  “How about we get a drink then? To celebrate before we leave?”

  My hands stopped on the hanger I was checking. He made me lose count. I turned around. He was standing there casually, his hands in his pockets. His chocolate brown eyes flicked to the floor for a moment before they shot back up to mine. That look could have made my knees go weak, I swore.

  It was just one drink, right? That didn’t mean anything. Just two colleagues, sharing a beverage in a public setting. It was nothing. “Sure.”

  “How about tomorrow at Flannery’s? Say seven o’clock? I can pick you up.”

  “Seven sounds fine. I’ll meet you there.” Rule number one of not ending up in bed together, drive yourself. Mikayla taught me that one.

  “Sounds like a plan, see you then.” He gave me a slight wave as he left. I could still hear his footsteps down the corridor as I stood there like a statue. Damn I hated the way he affected me so much. I desperately didn’t want him to.

  But he wasn’t Braydon, and just because we were having a drink together, it didn’t mean anything would happen. My sole focus for the next year was the tour and nothing else. I could stay focused. It was just a drink between colleagues.

  Yet I couldn’t get that butterfly feeling out of my stomach, even the next day. I had the day off, the only one before we started on the tour. I had so many errands to do but I didn’t particularly feel like doing any of them. I kept checking the clock, counting down the hours until I met with Forest.

  I forced myself to pack, knowing it had to be done or I would be leaving with nothing. I made a list of things I needed to take and then set about putting them all neatly in my suitcase. I put on loud music, trying to keep my brain completely occupied so it didn’t wander.

  Finally, I started on my true errands. I checked in with my agent and publicist before heading to the grocery store. Everything had been going smoothly, too smoothly. I should have known.

  I filled my basket with snacks for the road and other necessities. Demi would only get healthy food to eat along the way, I wanted something a bit more comforting – like chocolate. I always craved sugar when I went on tour and I expected this one to be no different.

  While standing at the confection stand and trying to find something that wouldn’t melt in the heat of the bus, I heard a familiar voice beside me.

  “Choose the M&M’s, they’re your favorite.”

  It felt like I had been hit in the stomach at the realization of who was standing with me in the aisle. I turned around slowly, wishing my ears were wrong and my eyes would set me straight. Unfortunately, they were in unison. “But M&M’s will melt. I was thinking Skittles might be a good choice.”

  Braydon smiled, chuckling just a little to himself. He had a full day’s growth on his jaw, making him look even more impossibly attractive with his Italian complexion. His green eyes sparkled with amusement, probably at my discomfort.

  “So you’re getting snacks for the bus then? I heard you were going on tour. That completely changes everything. Skittles, definitely.”

  I picked up a bag of both M&M’s and Skittles. “I’m sure there’s room for both.” I turned to leave, not wanting to stay there a moment longer. Any time I spent in Braydon’s aura was dangerous. Every moment we shared flashed into my brain like a horrible movie.

  It all started off so well. He completely charmed the pants off me – literally – and we had the most amazing four months of my life. We ate out every night at a different restaurant, we went to art exhibitions, we frolicked on million dollar boats, and we spent every other moment in bed. It was intense, fun, surreal, and then horrible.

  On our four month anniversary, I found Braydon in bed with a groupie. She wasn’t even someone he cared about, just someone to have fun with and then forget. The betrayal felt even worse knowing how easily he could throw away what we had. A few minutes of fun for our entire future, it wasn’t a good trade.

  But that wasn’t the worst of it. Apparently there had been others, many others. I never had any idea. Okay, that kind of wasn’t true. I did have some inkling of what was going on but I didn’t want to believe it. So I just pretended it wasn’t real and carried on like I was the most important thing in his life. Only when I saw it actually happening with my own eyes, did the reality of the situation come crashing down on me.

  My boyfriend was a cheating scumbag. That was the crux of it. He apologized, of course. He tried to pretend it was just the one time, that it didn’t mean anything to him, and it was a mistake. He also promised it would never happen again but I knew that was a lie too. In my heart, I knew it was all a lie. I left him that day and started my spiraling descent.

  So I couldn’t control my boyfriend or my relationship, but I could control what I ate. I became obsessive over it, thinking about every single piece of food I put into my mouth. That’s when the eating disorder really started in full force. One day, I decided that I didn’t really have to eat at all. I could survive on half an apple a day, easy. That would show Braydon.

  It was stupid, looking back at it now, but at the time it was the most consuming thing I had ever done. Everything became about what I ate. Every thought I had involved food and I couldn’t stop it. Not until I went into hospital, anyway.

  So standing there with Braydon now, it was hard to remember all the good things without the bad. They were intrinsically linked.

  “Hey, Brierly,” he said, stopping me mid-stride. I knew I should have run away from him instead of walked.

  “What, Braydon?” I turned, sighing. I had no patience for him, despite how awesome he looked. I wouldn’t be fooled by those burning green eyes again.

  “I was wondering if you want to grab some dinner or something tonight? You know, before you leave?” His deep, gravelly voice was just as sexy as everything else about him. How many times had he lied to me with that voice? Told me he loved me when he was sleeping with someone else? Promised me we would be together forever and always?

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” If I didn’t walk away now, I wouldn’t be able to. I would no doubt do something incredibly stupid like jump into his arms or wors
e. I knew I had to put distance between us. A year of touring was suddenly looking very appealing.

  “Two friends, catching up. What’s wrong with that?”

  “You know why. Seriously.”

  He looked a bit taken aback. Good. I should have kicked him in the groin and run, that would have been justice. “Look, I’m really sorry, Brier. I heard about everything that happened, did you get my flowers at the hospital?”

  I probably did but tore the card into a thousand shreds with the last of my energy. Or someone intervened and made sure I never saw them. “Probably, I don’t know. I got a lot of flowers.”

  “That’s good,” Braydon said, like it was a surprise that people might care enough about me to send flowers. “I really wish you’d let me buy you dinner. Or even coffee. I miss you, Brier.”

  He always used my name when he wanted me to do something. And most of the time I was dumb enough to fall for it. Not anymore. “I’m busy. I’ll see you around.”

  This time, I didn’t let him stop me. I ignored the words that escaped his mouth and left him alone in the confectionary aisle. I really wanted to turn around and see if he was still watching me but I didn’t. After everything that happened, I needed to keep the tiny shred of dignity that I had left. It might have only been small, but I still had it. He couldn’t take everything away from me.

  I didn’t realize how much my encounter with Braydon had spooked me until later that night. My phone reminded me I was meeting Forest in an hour at Flannery’s. I held my phone like it was a live bomb, ready to explode at any moment.

  If I went to have a drink with Forest, it would be starting something. I knew it was supposed to be just a friendly drink and all but I also knew what I felt. The electricity between us was undeniable and probably completely impossible to resist too. There was no way we’d stop at being friends. Especially not with my track record.

  Did I want to go down that rabbit hole again? Did I want to spend the next year obsessing over this guy and paranoid that he was cheating on me with multiple women like Braydon? That kind of stress could really get to you – I should know.

  Starting a relationship, or even just a fling, was risky. You put yourself on the line and could do nothing but cross your fingers and hope it doesn’t kill you. At the very least you hope to survive it unscathed. But every time you got your heart broken, it took something out of you. You gave that person a piece of yourself that you never got back. Never. Ever.

  What would my attraction to Forest cost me? A scar on my heart was the best I could hope for. Relapsing and ending up in hospital again was the worst. When I weighed up the two ends of the spectrum, I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could start something with Forest. It would only end badly and perhaps next time I wouldn’t be able to survive it.

  I turned my phone off, determined not to look at it again that night. Forest would get the hint when I didn’t show. I couldn’t think of anything I could say to him that didn’t sound ridiculous. If I made up an excuse for cancelling, he would only think it gave him a reason to reschedule. I didn’t want to delay the inevitable, I wanted to completely cancel it.

  I pulled a tub of ice cream from my freezer, I didn’t know how long it had been in there. It probably predated my hospital stay. It tasted a little like it did but I ate it anyway. I sat on the couch in my old sweats and ate the whole thing. Welcome to my future.

  Chapter Five

  Sunday was an endless round of publicity, which helped keep my mind focused and not wandering to a certain person. When I checked my phone the next morning, it had several missed calls and texts from Forest. I was so cruel and I felt horrible guilt over it.

  But I had to be cruel to be kind. Having anything to do with me wasn’t going to be pleasant for him either. I was a mess, I didn’t have any right dating anyone. They would only be pulled into my madness and would regret it the longer they stayed in my vortex.

  That night, Demi picked me up and took me to the airport. We had decided to start the tour in New York instead of L.A. Something about the L.A. crowds being too close to home and remembering my downfall too well made the decision for me. I wanted the best shot at succeeding as possible so New York it was.

  On the five hour flight over, I still hadn’t seen Forest. The band were taking a different flight, not the red eye. They didn’t have to stick around doing publicity, they could have a restful day instead. God they were lucky.

  “So we are in New York for just the one day,” Demi started, going through our itinerary. “Then we’re going to Boston and continue downwards. We’ll then loop back up again to cover states like Pennsylvania and Kentucky. It’s kind of a zigzag across the country really.” She stared at the map, trying to make sense of it. I guessed we were going to get really good at memorizing that map by the end of it.

  “Do you think we’ll have any time for sightseeing?” I asked. It was crazy that I had been around America twice and I had barely seen anything. My life consisted of floating between the concert venue and the hotel or bus. I was always being asked questions about places I’d been and I just had to make something up. Especially when it came to overseas venues like Paris. I’d never seen the Eiffel Tower even though I’d been there three times. Crazy.

  “We’ve tried to schedule in days off,” Demi said apologetically. I already knew what the answer was. “But it’s mainly just touring. We’ll try and fit some stuff in.”

  We always tried, it never happened. If intentions counted for anything, than I would be twice as rich as what I was. “We should keep it in mind. Even if it’s just an hour here and there.”

  “Of course.”

  I settled into my seat, knowing I needed to sleep. We would have no time to rest once the plane landed. It was go, go, go until we returned in one year’s time. I so wasn’t ready for it.

  I managed to get some sleep, and before I knew it, we were landing in JFK Airport. There were definitely some perks to being famous. One was not having to wait around to leave the airport. I was first off the plane, didn’t have to worry about standing in line, and I didn’t get my own bags. Everything would follow me to the hotel, I was on a much tighter schedule than my luggage.

  The traffic was a nightmare, already putting us behind schedule. We weaved through the mass of cars and cabs until Madison Square Gardens finally came into view. I had only played there once before and it was awesome. It was truly exciting to be starting the tour there. Even if no-one showed up, I would still be happy just to get to stand on the stage once again.

  “It’s crowded down here today,” I commented.

  The taxi driver turned around while we were stopped at lights. “There’s a big concert on here tonight, traffic’s been banked up all day. It’s a madhouse. Teenagers everywhere.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, big star apparently. I’ve never heard of her. Brierly something. Big with the teens, so my daughter says.”

  I exchanged a glance with Demi, I could tell she was thinking the same thing. Perhaps my crew wouldn’t need to fill seats tonight. Just maybe I would have sold enough to not be performing to an empty stadium.

  As we drove around to the back of the venue, the line around the Gardens was clear to see. There were people everywhere, all forming an orderly queue to the door. And they were all there to see me. Me. The has-been who was a laughing stock of the entire world for ending up in a hospital because of a broken heart.

  It was crazy seeing so many people waiting. Traffic crawled along the street, giving me the perfect opportunity to see everyone. When I was on stage, the lights were too bright to see much. Everyone just became a sea of faces and bodies. I had to really concentrate to pick out particular people. But there, in the car, I could see each and every one of them.

  Some of the girls had my t-shirts on, my face plastered across their chest. Some had really dressed up for the occasion with glitter in their hair and purple streaks like I used to wear. Whatever happened to my purple streaks? My light pink o
nes seemed to be my color of choice lately.

  Those kids, with their signs of love, that was the reason why I was doing the tour. They were my hardcore fans, the ones who believed in me even when I didn’t. I loved them so much and they’d never truly know. I just prayed I could give them everything they wanted that night. I didn’t want to disappoint even just one of them.

  We headed underground to the entrance. I could have stayed there all day in the car just circling the line but I guessed that taxi fare would probably be more than my ticket sales for the night.

  “The venue is quite large so stick close or you’ll get lost,” Demi instructed me as we left the car. I followed her through the weaving corridors. She wasn’t wrong, the place was a maze. If I made one wrong turn that night in a quick change, I was going to be doomed. The lights would come up on cue and I would be wandering around the corridors. I made a mental note to pay extra attention, that couldn’t happen. Not tonight when it was opening night. Everything had to be perfect or nobody would turn up for the rest of the shows. Everything hinged on that one performance.

  I didn’t see any of my band along the way. They were usually hanging around somewhere, all organized because of the extra time they got. If I was on their schedule, everything would always be perfect.

  “Where’s the band?” I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me. Or perhaps I just didn’t want to accidently run into Forest, maybe that was more like it.

  “They’re already in sound check, right where you are supposed to be right now. That damn traffic has already put us behind.”

  If there was anyone more stressed than I was, it was Demi. If we failed, not only would it damage her career, but she would have to put up with me too. She wouldn’t be able to get another job for a while so she would have to be stuck with me.

  “It’s okay,” I reassured her, feeling a sense of calm out of nowhere. “We’ll do sound and then get ready. It’s going to be fine, I just know it. Did you see the crowds out there?”