Songbird

by Jamie Campbell

  Annoyed with the interruption, I crawled to my handbag and pulled it out. The reminder said I was supposed to be in my dressing room now, getting changed and made up for the show. Naomi and Beatrice would be waiting for me so they could do my hair and makeup, probably impatiently tapping their fingers or feet.

  I collapsed onto the floor, holding my phone above my head and staring at the reminder. It wouldn’t just be my stylists waiting for me, it would be forty thousand of my biggest New Orleans fans.

  They would be so disappointed when they were told the concert was cancelled. All those sad faces, their homemade posters and glittered hair would be redundant. They’d stare at the stage expectantly, hoping they were confused and didn’t hear correctly. They might not even get that far, if security acted quick enough they would bolt the doors shut and post a simple note on the signs to advise them of my absence.

  Some of the younger fans might cry because their excitement was so suddenly taken away from them. Their enduring mothers would buy them a program and say they could watch the concert on DVD instead. They’d try to cheer them up.

  Too many tears had been shed today. I sat up. I couldn’t do it to them. It wasn’t their fault I made bad decisions and let the wrong people get close to me. That blame rested squarely on my shoulders. I wouldn’t do it to them. My fans had been more loyal to me than any guy had. They didn’t deserve the fallout of a breakup. They would still be there tomorrow, long after any of my boyfriends had fled.

  I tested my legs, seeing if they would hold me up. They were shaky, much like the rest of me. The nearly-empty vodka bottle taunted me from the coffee table, mocking me for taking away my ability to stand.

  If I didn’t get my body to cooperate, the concert was not going to be pretty. I needed coffee, I needed a shower, and I needed it two hours ago.

  I stripped off my clothes and staggered into the shower. Letting the steaming hot water rush over my skin, I let it wash away my misery. Forest had no right lying to me. He shouldn’t have done it and that was all on him. I was just the one stupid enough to fall for the act.

  I leant against the wall, my hands resting on my knees. Maybe I could do my entire show while sitting on a chair? I shook my head, that wasn’t going to be a good look. My fans paid to be entertained. They deserved to see the show they paid for, not some drunk half-assed attempt.

  The water felt good, some of my brain was starting to un-fuzz. I turned off the water and found some clothes. It didn’t matter what I put on, I would be changing as soon as I reached the venue anyway. It was tempting to slip on the hotel robe but I resisted.

  The coffee machine above the mini-bar looked complicated, especially to my muddled mind. The coffee would have to wait, perhaps I would drop by Starbucks on the way there. I would kill for a macchiato with a double shot.

  I grabbed my cell phone and headed for the door, hoping I wouldn’t have to wait long for a cab in the foyer. I was still a long way from sober and I probably looked as horrible as I felt. If not worse.

  Opening the door, there was a weight on the other side, making it open quicker than I expected. Demi fell into the room, her eyes wide open with surprise. I quickly checked the corridor, making sure Forest wasn’t there too. It was empty.

  “Have you been there all day?” I asked.

  She nodded, getting to her feet with a slight stagger. Perhaps she had been drinking too. “Yes, I’ve been here all day,” she said, more than a little angry. “I have also been worried sick about you. Where are you going?”

  Emotions rushed through me, I was so touched she would actually sit in the corridor all day just because she was worried about me. I always was an emotional drunk. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into a hug she couldn’t escape from. It also helped with the swaying.

  “Demi, I’m sorry. I want to do the show.”

  She pulled back and held me in front of her. “It’s about time. If we hurry we can still make it and nobody will have to know we’re running late.” She started hurrying down the hall but I remained in place. “Come on, we need to go.”

  I shook my head. “I’m only going on the condition that Forest is fired. He cannot be there when we arrive and I will not have him anywhere near me ever again.”

  She sighed, I recognized the familiar slump of her shoulders. Poor Demi, she really did earn her salary. After the tour she might decide to retire from my employment. Hopefully she would last that long.

  “I’m serious, Demi. Marty can play lead guitar. Hell, I’ll play lead guitar for the entire show if I need to. But he can’t be there.”

  She slid her cell phone out of her pocket and started tapping on the screen. She had a whispered conversation with someone – probably Ryan – before hitting the call end button.

  “Done. He’s being escorted from the venue as we speak. I’ll keep him away from you, you don’t need to worry about Forest anymore. Now, can we please go?”

  I hurried down the hall to catch up with her. “I need coffee too. Lots of it.”

  “And breath mints. How much did you drink?” She made a show of giving me a wide berth and fanned her nose like something horrible had just assaulted her nostrils.

  “Not enough to be comatose,” I replied.

  My driver was waiting downstairs, Demi gave him a wave and he was behind the wheel as quickly as we slid into the backseat.

  There was no conversation as we crossed town to get to the Superdome. Nor did anyone say a word when we started down the corridors of the venue. Not that I could hold a conversation anyway, I was concentrating too hard on scanning the place for any sign or hint of Forest. I knew Demi said he was gone but I didn’t trust that he was. He could have lied about leaving too.

  Demi escorted me all the way to my dressing room and closed the door behind us. Only my stylists were allowed in and I’m sure Demi had given them a good heads up on what conversation was off limits. They were much quieter than normal.

  We hurried through my preparation and I was standing in the pre-show circle before I could think too much. Thanks to Demi plying me with water and coffee, I could stand unaided and the world had stopped spinning around my head.

  In the circle, it was painfully obvious there was someone missing. Forest normally stood to my right, giving my hand an extra squeeze at the end. I missed him, even though I hated him. It was going to take some time to adjust, my traitorous body still craved his touch.

  “Let’s have a great show, everyone,” Demi finished. Everyone let their hands go back to their sides.

  Ace leaned over, his voice so low only I could hear. “What Forest did wasn’t cool. I’m sorry, Brier. Do you want me to smash his head in for you?”

  Despite my best judgment, I couldn’t keep the corners of my mouth from turning upwards. “Maybe, I’ll get back to you on that.”

  He patted my shoulder and took the drumsticks from his back pocket. Images of him using those same sticks to smash Forest’s head in flashed into my mind. I didn’t doubt Ace would have a good go at it.

  The band got their cue and ran onto the darkened stage. The crowd were going nuts out there, already screaming like their lives depended on it.

  I panicked, searching around for Demi. “What about lead guitar? Do I need to take my guitar on stage?”

  “No, Marty’s got it,” she said, before noticing my obvious unease. “It’s okay, Brierly, everything will be fine. Once you step out there, everything will feel like it’s normal. You are going to rock it.”

  I shook my arms, trying to get the nerves to leave. I had to be strong for all those people out there expecting me to be. They didn’t care that I’d had a bad day. They didn’t care my heart was smashed into a thousand pieces. All they wanted was to hear me sing and forget about their own problems for two hours.

  I needed to fit my mask firmly on my face and I needed to do it quickly. If I stepped out there without it, I would be eaten alive. They would know, they would sense my fear, and they would jump on it.


  I was wrong, I couldn’t do this.

  “Demi, I can’t.” I shook my head, trying to stop my feet from flying for the door.

  She was instantly right in front of my face. “Listen to me, you were born for this. Tonight is the same as any other night. All you have to do is go out there and sing, forget about everything else.”

  Forgetting everything sounded a lot easier than it actually was. My life didn’t cease to exist when I was on stage. On a good day, I could put my life on hold for the duration of the performance but it was too hard now. The whole thing was too tiring, a charade that required more energy and effort than I had.

  “I can’t. I need to go.” I made a turn and headed for the corridor. My band started playing on stage, the crowd screamed even louder with my imminent appearance. My hand was on the doorknob. All I had to do was turn it and I would be able to escape from it all. Flee into the night and run away from everyone.

  “Brierly, you can’t go.”

  “I’m still mostly-drunk, Demi. I’m not going to give them what they want. I’m not good enough.”

  “So you’re going to let them all down?” Demi challenged. I refused to turn around and look at her. “You said you couldn’t do that to them.”

  “If I go out there, I’m going to disappoint them,” I pointed out.

  “If you leave, you’ll never get a chance to prove yourself wrong. They deserve that.”

  “They’ll get over it.”

  “They might, but will you?”

  Demi knew me too well, she knew exactly what to say to me so her words cut into my stomach like a blade and then twisted around to inflict even more pain.

  I didn’t want to listen to her. I wanted to take the easy way out and walk away. I wanted to be alone, far away from any judging eyes and cruel words.

  The band were still playing the intro, repeating the same bars over and over again until I appeared. Ryan was probably making his way over to yell at me for the delay. I needed to scurry out before he reached me.

  But Demi was right. If I walked away, I would be more disappointed in myself than my fans. I wouldn’t be able to face them again, knowing I had disappointed forty thousand of them.

  I turned around slowly. She jumped on the concession of defeat. “You are Brierly Wilcox, you have fought damn hard to be where you are today. This is just one concert, one night, you can do this. I know you can.”

  I nodded, because if I spoke I didn’t know whether I was going to cry or not. Demi hurried over to the edge of the stage where my poor band were still repeating themselves in a loop. She gave them a signal, giving them a heads up that I was about to join them.

  I stood by the entrance, taking a few deep breaths and trying to block everything out of my head except the task at hand. I still didn’t know whether I could do it, but Demi was right, I had to try. I could fail miserably, but I would be able to live with myself knowing I had given it a shot.

  My mask was slipping, my tried and trusted method of keeping my private life private was at risk of being pulled away completely. I couldn’t let that happen. It was time for the performance of my life.

  Demi pushed me onto the stage. I stumbled before I could recover my footing. I shot her a dirty look before I reached my mark. I counted down until the lights came up.

  And just like that, my mask was back on. I smiled, I laughed, I pretended like the world was full of kittens and rainbows. In that perfect world, Forest didn’t make me his mistress, my wounded heart wasn’t exposed on breakfast radio, and I didn’t want to force myself to vomit whenever things got too hard.

  I played the entire show like it was my first and I hadn’t sung the songs a thousand times before. I said the same jokes, told the same stories about why I wrote the songs, and I refused to look at the spot where Forest was supposed to be standing.

  From the crowd’s reaction, I don’t think they noticed anything was wrong. The beaming faces huddled around the stage didn’t waver, they continued to shine at me like every other night. Same reaction, different people.

  I eventually calmed down, my nerves disappearing somewhere between the first and second set. I relaxed into the performance, forgetting that anything else mattered. My mask was comforting, it allowed me to be someone else for a few hours. And it was much better than the person wasting their life on the floor of a hotel bathroom.

  It was the time in the show where I introduced the band. I went to the top of the stage and stood next to Ace. “Give it up for the mighty Ace on the drums.” The girls in the audience squealed as Ace wailed on the drum kit, taking his moment to shine.

  I sauntered over to Luke and Ronan before moving onto Marty. “And we’ve got Marty on the guitar. Take it away, Marty.”

  He strummed like there was no tomorrow, doing a few riffs that would make any rock god envious of his mad skills. I danced along as more loud squeals filled the air. The audience were on fire, one of the loudest I had heard on the whole tour.

  The introductions didn’t go for long enough, it felt like I was missing someone. I looked around at the faces, all happily playing their instruments and waiting for me to move on.

  The realization that I was missing Forest hit me hard. I always left his introduction for last because I knew he liked to play a tune that went for a little longer than everyone else. He loved the song, it was always fun watching him enjoy playing it.

  I was speechless. Tears stung my eyes as I stood there in front of the entire audience without a thing to say. This was the moment when I was about to break down. And I had forty thousand witnesses to my downfall.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I stumbled over my words for a moment as I tried to recover without anyone noticing. I blinked, trying to force away any hints of the lingering tears. Now was not the time to crumble, now was the time to be stronger than I had ever been before.

  For just a second, I had let my true self be exposed and I couldn’t let that happen. Once I showed my vulnerability, I feared I wouldn’t be able to cover it up again.

  “Okay, who’s having a good time?” I asked the audience. The noise was unbearable, even with my earpiece in. I guessed they were enjoying themselves. “Great, let’s keep it going.”

  I gave the signal to the band and they immediately launched into my next song. I started singing on cue, hoping I still remembered all the words.

  The rest of the show went by in a blur. By the time I said my final goodbyes, I was exhausted. I hurried backstage and refused to talk to anyone. I brushed past Ryan, ignored Demi, and headed for my dressing room.

  I changed clothes and made a beeline for the exit, not even stopping to take off my makeup or thank the band like I normally did. I just wanted to get out of there, I needed fresh air more than I needed anything else.

  My driver was already waiting for me. We sped off before anyone could catch up with me. I asked him to go directly to the hotel and use the quickest route possible.

  I was glad when we finally arrived, it seemed like it took too long but I knew it wasn’t nearly as long as I thought it was. I hurried up to my room, barely still keeping it together. My plastic room key was held poised and ready to get inside. I slid it into the slot and breathed a sigh of relief.

  Except it wasn’t dark like it should have been and the room wasn’t as empty as it should have been either. Forest’s head whipped around to look at me. I froze, unable to move. My head screamed to run but I didn’t have anywhere to go. The room was my only sanctuary, as least it was until two seconds ago anyway.

  “Get out,” I said through gritted teeth.

  He took a few steps toward me, I held up my hand to make him stop. “Brierly, you have to hear me out. You don’t know the whole story, you must-”

  I cut him off. “I don’t have to do anything. You need to get out before I start throwing things. How did you even get in here?”

  “You gave me a key.” Oh right, I forget that it was less than twenty-four hours since we were rolling around naked in
the bed together. It had been a long day, it felt more like a week.

  When I had woken up that morning, everything had felt so perfect and right. It also felt real which I guess was my first mistake. Nothing in this business was real, not even love. Everything was an illusion, put on for spectators to talk about and buy into. The moment they looked away, the lights were turned off and the shadows came out.

  Forest was a shadow. He had seemed so tangible and real but in the harsh light of the truth, he vanished. The guy I thought I loved, had declared my love to, had entwined my body with, was merely an illusion.

  “Just get out,” I sighed.

  “You had Demi fire me.”

  I would have laughed if I wasn’t about to crumble into a thousand different pieces. “Of course I did. I already have one team member that wants to kill me, I don’t need your betrayal too.”

  “I want a chance to explain.”

  “You had ten weeks to explain,” I replied. I crossed my arms and looked away from him. I couldn’t hold his gaze, it was too painful. Those deep brown eyes looked as hurt as I felt. “Tell me you aren’t married and I’ll give you a chance.”

  He hesitated as he tried to formulate a response. It was the only answer I needed. Forest couldn’t deny he was married because it was true. Demi had seen the evidence in black and white, he had already confirmed it at the Superdome, only a miracle would be able to erase the truth now.

  “Just like I thought,” I continued. “Now, get out.”

  “Okay, I’m technically married. I never said I wasn’t when you asked me.” He sounded desperate now. All the traces of his usual cool exterior were completely gone. It was like he was two different people. The guy I used to know, and the guy I didn’t know at all. “But it’s not what you think. I had to get married, it wasn’t because I was in love with her. We’re married on paper only.”

  “Do you have any kids?” I asked, my voice as cold as stone.