Diana_Her True Story_In Her Own Words_25th Anniversary Edition

by Andrew Morton

  Father was so thrilled he waved himself stupid. We went past St Martin-in-the-Fields and he thought we were at St Paul’s. He was ready to get out. It was wonderful, that.

  As I walked up the aisle I was looking for her [Camilla]. I knew she was in there, of course. I looked for her. Anyway I got up to the top. I thought the whole thing was hysterical, getting married, in the sense that it was just like it was so grown up and here was Diana – a kindergarten teacher. The whole thing was ridiculous!

  I cried a lot on the Monday when we had done the rehearsal because the tension had suddenly hit me. But by Wednesday I was fine and I had to get my father basically up the aisle and that’s what I concentrated on and I remember being terribly worried about curtsying to the Queen. I remember being so in love with my husband that I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I just absolutely thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. He was going to look after me. Well, was I wrong on that assumption?

  So walking down the aisle I spotted Camilla, pale grey, veiled pillbox hat, saw it all, her son Tom standing on a chair. To this day you know – vivid memory. Well, there you are, that’s it, let’s hope that’s all over with. Got out [of St Paul’s], was a wonderful feeling, everybody hurraying, everybody happy because they thought we were happy and there was the big question mark in my mind. I realized I had taken on an enormous role but had no idea what I was going into – but no idea.

  I remember being so in love with my husband that I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I just absolutely thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. He was going to look after me. Well, was I wrong on that assumption?

  Back to Buckingham Palace, did all the photographs, nothing tactile, nothing. I was basically wandering around trying to find where I should be, clutching my long train with my bridesmaids and pages. Got out on the balcony, overwhelming what we saw, so humble-making, all these thousands and thousands of people happy. It was just wonderful. Sat next to him at the wedding breakfast, which was a lunch. Neither of us spoke to each other – we were so shattered. I was exhausted at the whole thing.

  My mother let me down terribly with the wedding. She kept crying and being all valiant and saying that she couldn’t cope with the pressure. I tended to think that I was the one under pressure, because I was the bride. So I didn’t speak to her for three or four years afterwards. She drove me mad when I was engaged – mad, mad. It was me that was being strong and her sobbing the whole time. Gordon Honeycombe [TV broadcaster and writer] used to ring her up the whole time – with the book [on the royal wedding]. My mum was very good-looking and she loved the buzz. But when I didn’t include her [in wedding preparations] she got hurt, so out came the Valium. She’s been on Valium ever since.

  HONEYMOON

  I never tried to call it off in the sense of really doing that but the worst moment was when we got to Broadlands. I thought, you know, it was just grim. I just had tremendous hope in me, which was slashed by day two. Went to Broadlands. Second night, out come the van der Post novels he hadn’t read [Laurens van der Post, the South African philosopher and adventurer, was much admired by Prince Charles]. Seven of them – they came on our honeymoon. He read them and we had to analyse them over lunch every day. We had to entertain all the top people on Britannia every night so there was never any time on our own. Found that very difficult to accept. By then the bulimia was appalling, absolutely appalling. It was rife, four times a day on the yacht. Anything I could find I would gobble up and be sick two minutes later – very tired. So, of course, that slightly got the mood swings going in the sense that one minute one would be happy, next blubbing one’s eyes out.

  I remember crying my eyes out on our honeymoon. I was so tired, for all the wrong reasons totally.

  By then the bulimia was appalling, absolutely appalling.

  We survived that all right. Then went off to Balmoral straight from the yacht; everyone was there to welcome us and then the realization set in. My dreams were appalling. At night I dreamt of Camilla the whole time. Charles got Laurens van der Post up to come and help me. Laurens didn’t understand me. Everybody saw I was getting thinner and thinner and I was being sicker and sicker. Basically they thought I could adapt to being Princess of Wales overnight. Anyway, a godsend, William was conceived in October. Marvellous news, occupied my mind.

  Obsessed by Camilla totally. Didn’t trust him, thought every five minutes he was ringing her up asking how to handle his marriage. All the guests at Balmoral coming to stay just stared at me the whole time, treated me like glass. As far as I was concerned I was Diana, the only difference was people called me ‘Ma’am’ now, ‘Your Royal Highness’, and they curtsied. That was the only difference, but I treated everybody else exactly the same.

  Charles used to want to go for long walks around Balmoral the whole time when we were on our honeymoon. His idea of enjoyment – this will make you laugh – would be to sit on top of the highest hill at Balmoral. It is beautiful up there. I completely understand; he would read Laurens van der Post or Jung to me, and bear in mind I hadn’t a clue about psychic powers or anything, but I knew there was something in me that hadn’t been awoken yet and I didn’t think this was going to help! So anyway we read those and I did my tapestry and he was blissfully happy, and as far as he was happy that was fine.

  He was in awe of his Mama, intimidated by his father, and I was always the third person in the room. It was never ‘Darling, would you like a drink?’ it was always ‘Mummy, would you like a drink?’ ‘Granny, would you like a drink?’ ‘Diana, would you like a drink?’ Fine, no problem. But I had to be told that that was normal because I always thought it was the wife first – stupid thought!

  By October I was in a very bad way. I was so depressed, and I was trying to cut my wrists with razor blades.

  I got terribly, terribly thin. People started commenting: ‘Your bones are showing.’ So that was the October and then we stayed up there [at Balmoral] from August to October. By October I was in a very bad way. I was so depressed, and I was trying to cut my wrists with razor blades. It rained and rained and rained and I came down early from Balmoral to seek treatment, not because I hated Balmoral but because I was in such a bad way. Anyway, came down here [London]. All the analysts and psychiatrists you could ever dream of came plodding in trying to sort me out. Put me on high doses of Valium and everything else. But the Diana that was still very much there had decided it was just time; patience and adapting were all that were needed. It was me telling them what I needed. They were telling me ‘pills’! That was going to keep them happy – they could go to bed at night and sleep, knowing the Princess of Wales wasn’t going to stab anyone.

  In those days my greatest pleasure was that I was lucky enough to have a baby on the way. Got married in July, and William was on the way by October.

  PREGNANCY

  Then I was told I was pregnant, fine, great excitement; then we went to Wales for three days to do our visit as Princess and Prince of Wales. Boy, oh boy, was that a culture shock in every sense of the word. Wrong clothes, wrong everything, wrong timing, feeling terribly sick, carrying this child, hadn’t told the world I was pregnant but looking grey and gaunt and still being sick. Desperately trying to make him proud of me. Made a speech in Welsh. He was more nervous than I was. Never got any praise for it. I began to understand that that was absolutely normal. Sick as a parrot, rained the whole time round Wales. It wasn’t easy, I cried a lot in the car, saying I couldn’t get out, couldn’t cope with the crowds. ‘Why had they come to see us? Someone help me.’ He said: ‘You’ve just got to get out and do it.’ I just got out. He tried his hardest and he did really well in that department, got me out and once I was out I was able to do my bit. But it cost me such a lot because I hadn’t got the energy because I was being sick with my bulimia – so much; let alone the support for him or vice versa.

  Couldn’t sleep, didn’t eat, whole world was collapsing around me. Very, very difficult pregnancy indeed. Sick the whole time, bulimia and mor
ning sickness. People tried to put me on pills to stop me from being sick. I refused to risk the child becoming handicapped as a result. So sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. And this family’s never had anybody who’s had morning sickness before, so every time at Balmoral, Sandringham or Windsor in my evening dress I had to go out I either fainted or was sick. It was so embarrassing because I didn’t know anything because I hadn’t read my books, but I knew it was morning sickness because you just do. So I was ‘a problem’ and they registered Diana as ‘a problem’. ‘She’s different, she’s doing everything that we never did. Why? Poor Charles is having such a hard time.’ Meanwhile, he decided he couldn’t suggest too much.

  I felt so desperate and I was crying my eyes out and he [Charles] said: ‘I’m not going to listen. You’re always doing this to me. I’m going riding now.’ So I threw myself down the stairs.

  I suppose I did [worry about William]; with Harry it wasn’t so bad [the morning sickness]. With William it was appalling, almost every time I stood up I was sick. But that was a combination, I couldn’t define which was which or what triggered it off but obviously I felt it was a nuisance to the set-up and I was made to feel it was a nuisance to the set-up. Suddenly in the middle of a black dress and black-tie do, I would go out to be sick and come back again and they’d say: ‘Why didn’t she go off to bed?’ I felt it was my duty to sit at the table, duty was all over the shop. I didn’t know which way to turn at all.

  There was only ever one cancellation when I was carrying William, the visit to the Duchy of Cornwall’s estate. And I was made to feel so guilty by my husband for that. Every time I got out of bed I was sick.

  I threw myself down the stairs [at Sandringham]. Charles said I was crying wolf and I said I felt so desperate and I was crying my eyes out and he said: ‘I’m not going to listen. You’re always doing this to me. I’m going riding now.’ So I threw myself down the stairs. The Queen comes out, absolutely horrified, shaking – she was so frightened. I knew I wasn’t going to lose the baby; quite bruised around the stomach. Charles went out riding and when he came back, you know, it was just dismissal, total dismissal. He just carried on out of the door.

  BIRTH OF WILLIAM

  When we had William we had to find a date in the diary that suited him and his polo. William had to be induced because I couldn’t handle the press pressure any longer, it was becoming unbearable. It was as if everybody was monitoring every day for me. Anyway we went in very early. I was sick as a parrot the whole way through the labour, very bad labour. They wanted a Caesarean, no one told me this until afterwards. Anyway, the boy arrived, great excitement. Thrilled, everyone absolutely high as a kite – we had found a date where Charles could get off his polo pony for me to give birth. That was very nice, felt very grateful about that! [When the Queen came to see William in hospital after Diana had given birth] She looked in the incubator and said: ‘Thank goodness he hasn’t got ears like his father.’ Came home and then postnatal depression hit me hard and it wasn’t so much the baby that had produced it, it was the baby that triggered off all else that was going on in my mind. Boy, was I troubled. If he didn’t come home when he said he was coming home I thought something dreadful had happened to him. Tears, panic, all the rest of it. He didn’t see the panic because I would sit there quietly.

  [At William’s christening] I was treated like nobody else’s business on 4 August [1982]. Nobody asked me when it was suitable for William – 11 o’clock couldn’t have been worse. Endless pictures of the Queen, Queen Mother, Charles and William. I was excluded totally that day. I felt desperate, because I had literally just given birth – William was only six weeks old. And it was all decided around me. Hence the ghastly pictures. Everything was out of control, everything. I wasn’t very well and I just blubbed my eyes out. William started crying too. Well, he just sensed that I wasn’t exactly hunky-dory.

  ROYAL LIFE

  When I first arrived on the scene I’d always put my head down. Now that I interpret it, that did look sulky. I’ve never sulked. I’ve been terrified out of my tiny little mind. I never sulked as a child, it’s just not in me. I was just so frightened of the attention I was getting; it took me six years to get comfortable in this skin and now I’m ready to go forward.

  One minute I was nobody, the next minute I was Princess of Wales, mother, media toy, member of this family, you name it, and it was too much for one person at that time.

  Basically my husband’s office got in a turmoil because one minute there was one and the next minute there were two and the presents coming in from the wedding were so phenomenal – from a swimming pool, to a desk set, to a photograph frame to six dining-room chairs. Chaos! I ended up writing my own thank-you letters. Eventually we sorted out something and I had Oliver Everett [former Assistant Private Secretary to Prince Charles], who used to work for my husband, come back to help me. I drove him quite potty because he pushed me into a corner that didn’t suit. There were basically lots of tears. From me!

  Edward Adeane [Prince Charles’s private secretary from 1979–85] was wonderful – we got on so well. Very much the bachelor and I was always trying to find him the ideal woman but I didn’t succeed at all. He was sweet. He said: ‘I know some nice ladies who might be ladies-in-waiting. Will you come and see them and meet them?’ So I said ‘Yes’ to them all, even though I didn’t really know them and one or two have gone by the wayside but the others have remained very strong and I’ve gathered a few on the way as well.

  I didn’t want to do anything on my own. I was too frightened.

  [On organizing her diary] What I can remember is that I didn’t want to do anything on my own. I was too frightened. The thought of me doing anything on my own sent tremors, so I stuck with whatever Charles did. If that included a wife I went with him all the way – wherever. But the pace was phenomenal. I knew I couldn’t do engagements as well as get married, plus doing up two houses.

  [On Grace of Monaco’s Funeral] When Grace died, I said to Charles: ‘I feel I’d very much like to represent your mama at the funeral’, and he said, ‘Well, we’ll have to ask her but I doubt she’ll let you go.’ And I said: ‘Well, I think it’s important because she was an outsider who married into a big family and I’ve done the same, so it would [feel] right.’ I went to her private secretary, who was then Philip Moore, who said he didn’t think it would be possible because I’d only been in the job, three or four months. And I said I could do it perfectly standing on my head. There was no worry about that. I knew exactly how to behave etcetera etcetera and I wanted to be a part of her funeral because I admired her so much; she was so sweet to me.

  So I went to the Queen and I said: ‘You know, I’d like to do this’, and she said: ‘I don’t see why not, if you want to do this you can.’ And I said: ‘That would be marvellous, thank you.’ I went there, did my bit, came back and everyone was all over me like a bad rash. ‘Oh, you did so well!’ and I thought: ‘Well, interesting.’

  BUILDING UP HER WARDROBE

  On the day we got engaged I literally had one long dress, one silk shirt, one smart pair of shoes and that was it. Suddenly my mother and I had to go and buy six of everything. We bought as much as we thought we needed but we still didn’t have enough. Bear in mind you have to change four times a day and suddenly your wardrobe expands to something unbelievable. Hence, probably, the criticism when I first arrived on the scene of having new clothes all the time. Three seasons and I had to deck myself out from January to December overnight with hats, gloves, the lot. After that I asked Anna Harvey from Vogue, where both my sisters had worked, to come and help me out with the basic things like two of this, three of this, one of that. But after that I was on my own. Once I got established names like Victor Edelstein and Catherine Walker I could do it myself, ring them up and talk to them. But, before then, Anna definitely helped out for the first year. I had to find a niche where I was happy with the designer and what I required. I couldn’t have fashionable clothes because it wouldn’t have
been practical for the job but I had to have clothes that had to last all day long, sensible colours and sensible neckline and skirt length. I never knew a thing about having weights in hems [to prevent skirts from blowing up in the wind]. I found it all out in my own time. No one helped with that.

  FIRST ROYAL ENGAGEMENTS

  [One of] the very first royal ones was with Elizabeth Taylor. It was a play at the Victoria [Palace] theatre called The Little Foxes. I remember I turned up in a fake white fur coat and all the antis came out against me for evermore. So that went back into the cupboard, never to be seen again. I was pregnant with William and it was agonizing because I didn’t find Elizabeth Taylor very easy to talk to. I thought she was stuck-up. I’d hoped she’d help me out because she’d been on the stage, in inverted commas, more than I had. I remember getting through that evening feeling amazed.

  [On switching on the Regent Street Christmas lights] I remember wearing a pair of navy blue culottes with a pink shirt and I felt so sick. I couldn’t do them up because I was pregnant but I didn’t have anything else to wear. And I was so nervous. I had to make a speech in front of the whole of Regent Street. I was shit scared.

  It didn’t get easier – I just got used to what people required from the Princess of Wales. What Diana thought wasn’t going to come into it – yet. I hadn’t got enough background on what the Princess of Wales was supposed to do. I could adapt but it took some time. [Although] I’ve never been over-awed by anything that’s come my way.

  I went to Hereford [SAS headquarters] and did a driving course. Bombs were being thrown at me. It was terrifying. Graham Smith was my first policeman; he came from Princess Anne. He’d been with her a few years. I remember asking him as a first question: ‘Do you like horses?’ He said: ‘No.’ I said: ‘Good’, because at the time I wasn’t interested in horses. He was sweet but it took a long time to get used to having a policeman – God, suddenly to have this man in your car, music had to be turned down, I had to make sure he was fed, all those things which you don’t have to do, but I was brought up to look after others.