by Alex Wolf
I was mortified by what happened. It was embarrassing.
Leaving was hard, and I cried. I hated crying. The pain was too much to bear when I watched Valerie kiss Jake goodbye. Jake explained in the car that Kelly was a manipulative bitch who got Gage under her spell when they were seeing each other. He told me it was toxic, that she’d lied about so many things. It was too late by then.
He thought he loved her. It wasn’t until he found out she was married as well and sleeping with other men. She’d been playing him the whole time. Their relationship wasn’t even real. When I asked how he believed her, Jake reminded me that she was in southern California and it was long distance.
I felt bad for Gage, but it was no excuse for what he’d done. People hurt people all the time. It didn’t give him a blank check to be an asshole to anyone he wanted, just because he was famous or whatever.
He was still a person and so was I. I wasn’t going to run after someone who didn’t want me around. But, I did hope he figured out a way to deal with whatever demons he clearly had.
I focused on school, letting everything else go. My hair grew out without a fresh cut and I added a few pounds to my frame. I ate my feelings at night, alone in my apartment. I couldn’t watch TV and music was never played when I was home. I didn’t want to hear his voice. I just ate the cookies that showed up in my shopping cart and let the heartbreak wash over me as my mind raced on the couch.
I was pathetic. But I was allowed to feel this way for the allotted amount of time I gave myself.
I knew Valerie still kept in touch with Jake even if she never mentioned it. They had something going even if they’d both deny it to the grave. I thought about all the times before this, when we’d hang out together, laughing.
Despite trying to hide it, I knew Valerie had gone off on Gage when we got home. I lacked the details but was sure she’d given him a nice piece of her mind over the phone.
I also got the feeling there was some tension between Jake and Gage, although I didn’t expect Jake to take my side. They were best friends. They made money together and neither of them would throw away the band over me. They would move past it even if my heart ached every day.
I secretly Googled the band and Gage. I knew they had a list of songs and demos for the album, but they wouldn’t be released until it was complete. I read all about Kelly and the story sickened me. She was crazy, and it appeared that she wanted Gage back. Every time I found a new article or photo of them from the past, I had to remind myself that not everything I read was true. They looked great together and had an attraction that burned through the computer screen. She was gorgeous. I don’t know why I tortured myself.
Valerie began to disappear once in a while and I figured she was with Jake. I knew from my web searches that the band was home.
She stayed nights over at his place while I surrounded myself with books, the only thing that was a constant in my life.
Oddly enough, guys seemed to start noticing me more. I was asked out. I turned them all down politely. There was no way I was ready for something like that. Maybe after graduation. I also remembered Valerie telling me guys came out of the woodwork once you told them you were with someone else. She claimed it was a scent in the air and they tracked it like animals.
I laughed. Maybe she was right, but I still turned down every invitation. I had everything I needed at home to somewhat satisfy my needs and plenty of fantasies to play back through my mind like a favorite movie.
Gage
I kept writing at my apartment. Jake got me out eventually, and while I didn’t become a full-blown alcoholic, I drank a bit. I liked the way it eased my stress and seemed to make everything a little less important. My senses were all still raw, like frayed nerves and exposed wires. Anything to dull them was all right with me.
I didn’t give in completely due to the fact we’d be recording soon and then touring to promote it. If I gave in to the temptation now, I’d be a wreck on tour. The band was my only silver lining and I couldn’t blow it. They were all counting on me.
Somehow, through all the binge drinking back in LA, I managed to keep my dick in my pants. I almost gave in one night. We went to her apartment that overlooked the city lights. I guess the girl was some YouTuber or some shit. She was hot, but she wasn’t Bristol. I didn’t want something like that to end up online for the world to see. I was aware of how successful these people were, and they thrived on drama. I told myself it was me being responsible, but honestly, my heart was just crushed. I couldn’t sleep with someone else. Not right now.
It almost happened again when I was back in Denver at my bar. I felt at home there apart from the fact Bristol was seemingly in every corner of the room some nights. I looked for her sometimes but never saw her. Valerie was there, but she kept her distance with Jake and didn’t speak to me at all. She called me every name in the book on the phone shortly after it all went down, and I guessed that was good enough for her. Her eyes flashed red when I made eye contact with her, proving her loyalty to her best friend. I admired that even when I wanted to beg her to tell me how Bristol was doing.
I took care of all my needs with my hand, the only thing I could trust not to shatter me into a million pieces. I never knew a woman could be as good as Bristol before I met her, because everybody was empty. I was a notch on their bedpost or a story, but not a man. I was never just me without that singer status. I knew I could’ve met Bristol anywhere without her knowing me and we’d click.
We did click.
We got the call a month after being back. We were set to record the album, but our manager had relocated to New York and asked us to fly out there. We agreed since recording was our ticket to fame and it might be fun to party in the Big Apple. I boarded the plane with the others, leaning back in first class to sleep off the night before. Women were all over me, but I somehow kept my honor intact, even though I thought it was silly. Bristol and I weren’t together. I could fuck anyone I wanted.
But, I didn’t. It somehow made me feel a little better about myself.
I packed my bag the day before, knowing we were going to go out that night, and asked Jake to take it to the airport. I had to take a quick shower and throw on my clothes for the night, before calling a cab to take me to DIA. I had little memory of the night before, other than the disappointment on the girl’s face when I didn’t take her home, but it didn’t matter as I reclined the seat a little further.
“Are you going to keep your shit together in New York?” Jake glared at me.
I lowered the dark sunglasses down my nose. “I won’t fuck it up.”
“Whatever.”
Things had been tense with him since the incident. I wondered what kind of shit Valerie kept feeding him in his ear, even though I knew I deserved it.
“I was just celebrating last night.” My eyes closed again. “I didn’t fuck anyone.”
“Whatever you say, man.”
I slept for the flight, waking as Jake nudged me. I opened my eyes and cursed my hangover as I sat up straight. I was thankful as hell that we had a big apartment waiting for us in Manhattan and no plans until tonight. I was going to sleep all day after this early-as-fuck flight and rest up for the night.
A car took us to the brownstone as the guys chatted about the city along the way. I glanced out the window a few times but it was blurry. I’d dreamed about coming here for music and I was too fucked up to appreciate it. When we got to the building, the rest of the band handed their bags off and headed out to lunch. I joined the kid in the elevator with all the luggage and leaned back as he told me how much he loved the band. I thanked him as I always did with fans. When we walked into the massive apartment, I looked around and forced a smile.
At least I got to pick my room first.
“Where’s the master suite?”
He glanced at me before unloading the bags on the floor. “It’s the door at the end of the hallway. Has the best view.”
“Thanks.” I handed him a hundred
-dollar bill and walked toward it to stake a claim. It was mine.
The room was gorgeous with a four-poster bed all made up. The view overlooked Central Park and I could see the Empire State Building and the Chrysler building if I stood at just the right angle. It was perfect. Felt like the whole world was right there in my hands.
I dove into the bed and passed out.
Jake woke me up in the large, comfortable bed as I blinked.
“Nice room, asshole.”
I stretched my arms up over my head and grinned. “First come first served.”
He smirked and seemed a little less pissed off than he did on the flight. Thank fuck.
“We have dinner in an hour. Take a fucking shower and look presentable.” He was still a dick, but his tone had switched to a more joking note.
I watched as he left and closed the door. I felt better, and my stomach growled so that was a good sign. I would eat and tone it down for the rest of the trip. I showered and dressed for the five-star place Jonathan was taking us to. I met the rest of the guys in the living room. Jake pulled me aside and showed me his phone where there were some pictures of me with the coed last night as well as a few of her friends. It started on an Instagram account but traveled to the gossip sites and I closed my eyes.
“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath, knowing how it made me look.
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t fuck any of them.” I wondered if Bristol had seen them yet. At the same time, I hoped Kelly did so she’d know I wasn’t as hung up on her as she wanted me to be. It was a double-edged sword.
We left to meet the car that took us to the restaurant. Jonathan was there along with our press manager and they both shot me dirty looks.
Guess they saw the pictures.
Carly, in typical damage control fashion, took me aside and told me that she’d handle the pictures but warned me in a low voice to cut it out. I nodded and sat down, making a point of ordering iced tea with the meal. That was met with approving looks, particularly from Jake. He’d been with me through a lot.
Jonathan told us about the state-of-the-art studio we’d be recording in the following day. It offered everything we needed, and it would be a quick recording. There were a few tours already interested in us pending the release. Everything looked great.
I ate my last bite of steak and leaned back. The food helped energize me all over again. Jonathan said he had some stuff to do in our down time and that he’d show us his new house, including a helicopter tour. He looked around the table to excited smiles and nods.
We headed back to the apartment feeling optimistic. All of us decided to stay in and rest up for the following day. I took in the view from the balcony with Jake as we sipped water.
“This is all too good to be true. We’re finally about to do it.” Jake laughed.
“I can’t imagine how many new fans we’ll have if we land one of those tours.” I looked at all the lights down below. Cars were driving on the street and I could see the tiny, moving figures. The city made me feel so small and so huge at the same time.
“I’m proud of us.”
We tapped our water bottles together.
“I’ve been sober less than twenty-four hours. Don’t get too excited,” I said dryly, not sure I trusted myself.
“You’re not gonna fuck this up. I saw the way you smiled at that dinner. This is everything to you.”
I shrugged.
“You’re our voice. Make people listen.”
“I will. I promise.” I looked out at the park. I had other things I wanted to promise, but the focus was this record right now. My friends were the ones who needed me right now.
Bristol
I hunched over my laptop as I heard Valerie laugh across the room. It was restrained, but I still heard it. I knew she was texting with Jake, who was in New York with everyone recording the album. I kept up with everything online because she didn’t talk about it. I may have even joined the band’s fan club under a fake name.
I saw the pictures of Gage with the girls from the bar as well as reading the good news. It hurt seeing the smiles on their faces but his were vacant. Gage was drunk. I could practically smell the alcohol on him through the screen.
That made me worry on several levels. I knew he enjoyed a beer or two sometimes but drunk wasn’t his thing. Was he doing drugs too? Was he going to blow his big shot? Did I do that to him?
He always said drugs and alcohol messed with the music. Now I wondered if it helped him to escape things that hurt deep inside. Maybe he was using those things to replace me. What was hurting him?
I leaned back and reached for the tea I was drinking. It was keeping me relatively awake, but Valerie’s happiness was irritating. I turned my head to see her with an ear bud in, smiling.
I was still focused on school, but I still thought about Gage all the time. It went past my allotted time of mourning. I worried about him. The moment I saw him, I knew he was a force to be reckoned with. There were a million bands out there, but they didn’t all have the same talent that Nine Muses had. They didn’t have Gage singing for them and pouring his soul into all of it.
He had drive and motivation. I knew he was hurting somewhere deep inside and his demons were strong when they reared their ugly heads. He probably had people pulling on him left and right, sucking the life right out of him. They wanted him in their pictures, their beds, and to say they owned a piece of him. Kelly took more than a piece and destroyed him. I got the best parts I could, and in that time, I fell in love with him. I hated that I did, but I loved him. I didn’t know if those feelings would ever leave me.
I needed to move on and focus on my own goals. Gage left me back at the beach house and he hadn’t reached out at all. I didn’t know what I’d do if he did, but the lack of contact had me struggling to keep my head above water. I wasn’t the girl that bragged about the time I spent with him. I didn’t tell anyone about him even when they asked. He was my secret.
Eventually, his name stopped being associated with mine and I disappeared into the woodwork again. I let Valerie take center stage with her vibrant personality and pretty smile. Part of me wanted to resent her for it.
I thought for sure that she and Jake would be the ones that had a huge fight, and he’d cheat on her, and I’d pick up the pieces while Gage and I went on with our fairytale romance. How naïve was I?
God, I was turning into a bitter person. I stood and stretched, needing some fresh air before I got back to it. I told Val I’d be back as I left the apartment in a jacket and made my way to the corner coffee shop. I had a hat pulled over my hair that was sticking out all over the place and groaned as I realized that I was a hot mess. I walked to the small, cozy place and walked in to the counter to order.
I took my steaming coffee to a table by the window and sighed, sitting down. I needed to clear my head and get back to work. That was so much easier before Gage complicated my life. I stared outside as the drink cooled, noticing the little hair salon on the corner. It was where I chopped my hair off into the bob last summer. It made me smile when I thought back to that day and how happy Valerie was with it.
Valerie.
I needed to get over her connection to Gage. We’d been friends for a long time and it wasn’t like she was dating my ex or something. She had her own man, and she was happy. I needed to support her.
I checked my account and realized I could treat myself to a haircut with the money my parents gave for the month. I looked down at my phone the way I had for weeks, checking for anything. I knew a message wouldn’t be there, but still I always checked.
I knew I wasn’t going to be happy like this after college. I needed to immerse myself in my new life, surround myself with a positive presence. Gage could be my last impulsive act in college and now I’d settle on a serious life. I finished my coffee and wandered over to the salon, happy to see the same stylist from before.
She settled me into a chair and asked me what I wanted. I explained the last
cut and even though I’d neglected it for a long time, it gave her enough to work with. I smiled as she cut it into more of an A-line and checked the ends carefully. She dried it for me and used a straightener to make it sleek. I didn’t do that too often myself and went with the natural wave. I added product to calm it down, but mornings were not my thing. I hoped that it would be different when I worked for a living.
I left the salon with a huge grin, running a hand through my hair. I felt more like a grown up. More mature.
My hat was shoved into my large purse as I walked home, ready to show my best friend my hair. She was off the phone when I got back and sat straight up with a squeal.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do that? I would have gone with you!” She jumped up and hugged me, making my cold heart melt.
“It wasn’t planned. I went for coffee and saw the salon. Things went crazy from there, but I needed the change. I feel like a new person.”
Valerie smiled at me. “Look, I know you’ve been through a lot. I hope you don’t mind that I’m talking to Jake.” Her voice was apologetic.
I looked at her. “Of course I don’t. You guys are cute together.” I paused. “I miss Gage and that hurts, but Jake is separate from that. I want you to be happy.”
“I know.” She was practically bouncing, like she wanted to spill a month’s worth of secrets. Then, it all came out fast. “Jake’s not happy with him, Bristol. He just wants to get the album done, so he’s encouraging him.”
I held up a hand. “I know. It’s okay. We weren’t the love of a lifetime. It was a casual thing that ended badly. I’m fine.” I felt her eyes on me as I swallowed. “I didn’t expect Jake to pick my side and end the friendship or anything. It’s so much more than that.”