Rock God: A Rockstar Romance

by Alex Wolf

  “For the record, he despised Kelly. She was toxic for the entire band and not Gage’s usual thing. He’s normally into the band.” She laughed nervously. “I sound like a fucking groupie or something.”

  “You’re dating Jake. You don’t sound like a groupie. He’s a good guy. I’m happy for you, Val.” I gave her a sincere smile. “Besides, I have so much to worry about. We’re graduating in a few months! We can go anywhere we want from there.”

  “We?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “Yes, we. I don’t have to stay here.” It was a bold statement, and I held my head high.

  She nodded, smiling. “Nice. We’ll talk about it once I make some solid plans.”

  I returned to my paper, and we chatted the next few hours. Things felt more back to normal than they’d been in a while. Everything felt resolved between us now and that gave me balance.

  Gage still lingered on my mind and kept me unsettled in the relationship department, but it would pass. I’d find someone new and it would all work out.

  They’d probably never be like Gage to me, but every woman had that one wild story to tell their kids, didn’t they?

  I went to dinner with Valerie that night and she told me about the album over drinks. It was supposed to be going well, and she claimed that Gage wrote some great songs at the beach house, but they were painful as well. She told me that I’d know how much things hurt for him when it was released. It was going to lead to a great tour for the guys and their possibilities were endless.

  I was happy for all of them. They were driven by music and not everybody got to do what they loved.

  There would come a time when I’d probably see Gage again but that would be long enough from now that we’d be civil.

  Gage

  I went into the studio and dropped on the couch to listen to the song again. One was particularly hard with a high note and everyone involved seemed to be as much of a perfectionist as I was. I nodded as I listened and raised a fist into the air when I knew it was finally right.

  “That’s going to be a single,” Jonathan assured me.

  I sipped the water bottle that was waiting for me on the table.

  “Best on the album.” I looked at the guys. “We just have those last two to go.” I loved New York as much as California, but I wanted to get back to Colorado. I missed the mountains something awful.

  I missed the bar and Bristol. I’d shoved the idea of going back for her away once everything went to shit. We were so short-lived, and I had a band to worry about. Hell, I could have a woman any time I wanted one, so why did I need her?

  But every time I met some random girl out somewhere, it wasn’t the same. I knew there was more to us than what I’d thought. Or what I’d told myself. I’d made love to Bristol, and I missed the intimacy of that. I would never be that way with another woman. And every time I met someone, I couldn’t help but think how it wasn’t random at all. Was I a target for them? Nobody seemed genuine.

  I wasn’t going to replace her with one of these non-random women. Since I got to New York, I’d thrown myself into the record. I wasn’t drinking anywhere close to the amount I had been back home, and I just hung out with the band. We were out in the public eye, but it was meeting fans and going to sporting events. Anything to get our faces in front of more people.

  I fell in love with hockey and planned to buy season tickets to the Av games once I was back. There was an aggression to it that I admired. It’d give me something to talk to Jackson about back home anyway. We got to meet the Rangers, and they were cool guys. Jonathan could get tickets to anything we wanted to attend, and that often came with perks. We hung out in suites at Yankees stadium.

  I knew Bristol probably didn’t like sports, but I couldn’t help but feel anyone could enjoy sports this way.

  I loved the idea of eating anytime of the night when I was hanging out with the guys or writing. I still did that anytime the words hit me. The city was always alive, even at three in the morning.

  Something was always open and there was always good pizza.

  Sometimes, I took a stroll through the city just to look around and take some pictures. It was beautiful, and everything seemed to loom above me. I felt more like a needle in a haystack here.

  Jake went with me most of the time and sometimes the other guys, too. Jonathan planned some other fun stuff for us. The helicopter tour was incredible, and I took a ton of pictures. It would’ve been nice to have someone to enjoy it all with me. I wished it was Bristol more than anyone, but once we released the album, the band would go on tour. I’d be leaving all over again. And there was no guarantee she’d take me back anyway.

  It seemed easier to just stay single. I knew some guys in the business had wives and families but it seemed so hard. I couldn’t do that to a wife or kids. I couldn’t keep all that together. I was trying to sort myself out right now after my excessive partying and binge drinking. I knew it wasn’t as serious as some people, but it was a bad path for me to go down. Jake talked me into joining a nationwide gym while we were here so we could keep in shape. He reminded me that I was approaching thirty and I had to look hot for people to buy our records. That made me a little sad to think about, from a humanity perspective, but he was right. I threw a shirt at him. The asshole was only a few months younger than me.

  We finished the album two months after arriving in New York. Our publicist set up a more professional website and some social media accounts for fans to keep up with us, so the news was as public as Jonathan allowed.

  I wondered if Bristol kept track of it all. Jake said nothing about her other than the fact she was focused on school. I knew she had some social media accounts going but didn’t update them often and most of the stuff was set to private. It wasn’t her thing, but I did enjoy her Instagram and the pictures that she posted when she got out. I made my own for some pictures I took around the city.

  Once the album was complete, we flew back to Colorado, and I went to the apartment. It was great to see Jackson and tell him of my new-found love of hockey. I missed home sometimes, but I didn’t need to get too comfortable. I was leaving again soon.

  I threw some clothes into the wash and sat down at my laptop in my room. I had a loose schedule for the tour and I checked the college website for the date of graduation. I was forming a plan to see her again and at least try to right this, assuming that Valerie was willing to help me out. I hadn’t told Jake yet, but I did some thinking in New York.

  Jake came over and we talked about how surreal everything was. We ate pizza and chatted for a while when my phone went off.

  It was Kelly. She was starting to call again. Jake saw her name on the phone and scowled at me.

  “I may have to block her number. It’s getting ridiculous.”

  He scoffed. “Like that would stop her.”

  I didn’t want her back and never would, despite the rumors she tried to spread about us to the media. Bryce tried to contact me as well, but I told him to fuck off. He ruined the friendship that we were trying to rebuild and while it was a loss, I had the guys to hang out with.

  I wanted to settle down after feeling so damned lonely lately. I wanted sex, but the only person I’d consider fucking probably wouldn’t talk to me.

  I decided to take a chance and got Valerie’s number from Jake after explaining my plan. He clapped me on the back and told me he was glad I saw the light. Jake noticed the effort I’d been putting in and thought I might have a chance with Bristol again. I just needed to open up to her. I needed to tell her everything and not push her away again. When I called Valerie, she tried to end the call, but I insisted she hear me out.

  She did, and we came up with a plan. I felt like there was some hope for something with Bristol as I hung up and pulled my laptop closer to handle some details.

  I didn’t know if I wanted her back or not. I just wanted her not to hate me. If things were over between us, I wanted her to have details and all the information. Not what she was seeing on
the television and in the tabloids.

  Bristol

  My alarm blared, and I sighed as I reached over to shut it off. I had two more weeks of hard studying before graduation. To make things easier, Val and I signed a six month lease so we could relax and explore our options. Our families were coming, and we had dinner plans after the ceremony and even a week-long trip to California to hang out at a beach house.

  I was excited, but sad that Gage wouldn’t be here to celebrate with me. After all this time, my feelings hadn’t gone away. Not even a little.

  I knew the band had big plans, but in the beginning, I imagined us staying together and working something out. I still hadn’t heard from him in months. He was busy, but I’d figured he would’ve reached out at some point just to talk. I wanted to think we’d been pretty good friends at least, seeing as how he confided in me with things he didn’t talk to anyone else about.

  I think I missed his touch more than ever now and considered saying yes to a date with some random guy just to scratch the itch. But, I couldn’t. That was just me. I didn’t want to lead some guy on by accepting a date and taking it any further.

  I’d had the best, and I wanted that back. I didn’t want to sleep with anyone but Gage, ever. I knew Kelly was dating some Hollywood heartthrob now and had seemed to move on, but there was something about their past that still bothered me. It seemed like he cared for her and still did even if they weren’t together. Maybe that was my biggest fear. That he really loved her and had just used me to get over her.

  I shrugged and went on about my day. He’d call if he wanted to talk to me and he didn’t. That was it. I wasn’t going to call him and see how he was after all this time. The worst part of the whole thing was that I knew he used me on our last night together. He knew what was about to happen and fucked me as hard as he could for his own selfish reasons.

  I sighed as I showered and hurried in the bathroom. I’d slept an extra ten minutes to keep dreaming about Gage, so I was already running late. I dressed in my favorite jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and tied a bandana in my hair to hold it back. I never wore makeup to school and today was no exception.

  “Good morning.” Valerie seemed more chipper than usual. She seemed a little too happy these days, and I wondered what magic Jake was working on her. They were all but exclusive at this point. They didn’t see other people and spent as much time together as they could around their schedules.

  I just worked until the end of summer, then kept my grades as high as I could. It wasn’t like I had a lot more going on besides that. My parents and Valerie kept me above water and I loved them for it. I planned to pay them back as soon as I was working. I just needed a bit of time. I thanked them every chance I got.

  I finished my last class of the day and walked to the coffee shop for an iced latte. I studied there a lot for a change of scenery. I set up my table to go over some notes for an upcoming test. Val sent me a message asking where I was, and I replied with “coffeeee” before getting back to reading. I sipped my drink and yawned as I closed my eyes for a second, feeling the turmoil inside me.

  School. My future. Gage.

  I thought about the last one far too much.

  “Hi.” A hand landed on my shoulder.

  I jolted and opened my eyes. Val was standing there, grinning her ass off.

  “You scared the shit out of me.” I gasped for a few quick breaths.

  “I figured you’d be expecting me since I asked where you were.”

  “Sorry. I’m on edge right now. These last weeks…” I let my voice trail off as I smiled weakly. “I don’t know.”

  “I get it. Every senior in college in the world gets it.” She smiled and glanced at the counter. “Do they still have those espresso cookies here? I think we need a dozen for the apartment.”

  I nodded. “They do.”

  She was off and walking toward the counter before I could say anything else. I personally felt we should get some real food on the way since the fridge was nearly bare and reached for my phone. I had a menu pulled up for our favorite Thai place when she came back with a coffee and big bag.

  “Hungry?”

  She nodded again. “Feed me.”

  Once we decided what to get, I called it in and we both stood to head to the restaurant.

  “So, Nola is having a party on Friday night. She thinks we all need to relax. Wanna go with me?” Valerie asked as we walked across the street.

  “Sure. It might be nice to let loose after everything this week.”

  “Great. Maybe we can get dinner before and make an evening of it.”

  I smiled as we walked into the restaurant and told them we were picking up an order. We came here a lot and chatted and laughed with the staff for a few minutes. Once we had the bag, we headed back to the apartment.

  I looked around slowly once we stepped inside.

  “I know we’re keeping the apartment but I’m going to miss this. It will be so different. No more studying and tests, not for me at least. I’ll be looking for a job and laughing at you studying.”

  I squeezed her arm, and she groaned.

  “I’m sure you’ll be jealous.” Valerie smiled widely at me. “You can bring me dinner and make my coffee.”

  “I’d do that for you.”

  We both fell silent for a moment, then I set the food down on the table. We both grabbed plates and glasses of wine, then relaxed on the couch, eating and enjoying the peace.

  She kept grinning wide as she read a message on her phone. It must have been Jake.

  After dinner, Valerie told me she was going to run somewhere with Jake for a while and locked the door on her way out. I washed dishes and lingered on the couch, feeling the emptiness of the surrounding room. I had so much to do but just wanted to sit around and do nothing for a bit.

  I did the usual and went to YouTube on my phone to watch videos of Gage. Fans took them at shows and they seemed to have someone representing them on their social media now. The accounts were clean and current, and the new website looked fantastic. I was such a loser for knowing all this about the band, but it kept me going somehow. I also tortured myself with the gossip but there wasn’t much about him with any women. I was relieved. The pictures with the girls always left me with a pit in my stomach.

  I allowed myself half an hour to obsess and moved on. It wasn’t healthy, but neither was eating ice cream, so that was that.

  I returned to my studying and found the silence to be overwhelming. I turned on some soft music on my phone, curling up in the chair with my notebook. I woke up later to a dim room, blinking as I heard the sound of laughter from the hall. Valerie must be back, and I assumed Jake was with her. She usually went to his place. I yawned and slowly moved to work my numb legs. When I could walk, I grabbed some water and turned off the lights before going to my own room.

  I dressed in my normal t-shirt and snuggled under the covers, jealous that she had Jake in there. I’d gotten myself off so many times the last several months and I was bored with it. I wanted it to be Gage that was making me come. I’d even take one of his filthy phone sex calls.

  I tried to think about Ryan as I considered touching myself. He was a nice guy in one of my classes, interested in me for the last semester. He was cute and never stopped asking me out. I always said no but would it be terrible to try to move on? He seemed like he’d make a somewhat good dinner companion. It might be better than being home alone so often.

  I fell asleep before I came to a self-service decision. My life was so glamorous.

  I finished all my finals and ended up with a perfect GPA. I was proud of myself, but I knew it was all just the beginning. Now, the hard part started—finding a job.

  I faked my enthusiasm through the end-of-year party with everyone, jealous of their carefree lives. I definitely was unsure about my future, but I would never tell anyone that. Everyone always looked at me like I was the put together one. Surely, they were as scared as I was, and I didn’t want to frighte
n them even more.

  The day of graduation came too fast. I got ready in my bathroom as Valerie and I chatted back and forth. Our parents were on the way now and planned to be at the event. I sipped wine and did my makeup with shaky hands. I had to walk across the stage in front of so many people. Thank God I wasn’t doing a speech. I left that to someone else.

  I dressed in a green wrap dress and black ballet flats after straightening my hair and making sure I looked presentable. We all wore burgundy robes over our clothes, but the dress was good for the restaurant afterward.

  We took a car to the graduation venue, then got out and followed the swarm of students inside. We used a separate entrance and gathered backstage as people guided us into groups. I would be right after Valerie’s and smiled at her as she walked by. I glanced around taking it all in.

  Ryan smiled at me. “It’s finally here.” He ran a hand through his tousled hair. He was an attractive guy and had a great smile. I started to wish I’d never met Gage. Ryan wanted to date and seemed like the perfect guy to take home and meet your parents.

  Gage.

  He’d cursed me forever with men.

  “Yeah.” I tried to fake a smile back, grateful when we were finally led to our seats. Thoughts of Gage faded when I heard my name called out over the crowd.

  Dad?

  I craned my head around, staring at the crowd. It didn’t seem like his style, but it was my graduation. I finally saw him jumping up and down and waving. A wave of pride rushed through my body. He looked so happy.

  The ceremony finally started, and to be honest, a lot of it was boring. People spoke and gave speeches and there was a lot of formality. I watched other students cross the stage to cheers and catcalls, laughing at some of the more creative ones.

  I wondered what Dad was about to do. When I was just three back, I took a slow breath and prepared myself for the moment. I ran a hand through my hair and replaced the cap as I stepped up next in line.