More Than You Know

by Alexandria Rhodes

  As I stuffed the last of my luggage into a cab I had called for, I was anxious to get to the airport. Ashton had finished loading up my bedroom furniture into a moving van that morning. While it was all bittersweet, I was ready to get out of Savannah.

  “I can’t thank you guys enough for what you have done for me this past year. I don't know where I would be without you,” I said, tears pooling in my eyes as I grasp that I was saying goodbye to the only family I had left.

  “Make sure you keep in touch, Bryn,” Carter said as I stood on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek.

  Ashton pulled me into a bear hug. “Don't forget to call me when you get to your apartment okay? I don't trust those New Yorkers.” He laughed.

  I glared at him. “What's the worst that could happen?”

  He raised his eyebrows at me. “Well, you could be walking home from class one night, and a creepy guy could pop out of nowhere and…”

  “Okay, okay, that's enough,” I said, not letting him finish his scenario. “I promise I’ll be careful.”

  He nodded and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Bye, guys, I love you all.” I walked over to the door of the cab and looked one last time at my house, trying to take in every detail. When I thought I had it memorized, I stepped into the car and told the driver to go.

  After walking through security at the airport and waiting an hour to board, I was finally sitting in the cramped airplane; this time of year popular to fly into NY. I stuck my earphones in my ears and leaned back against the seat, getting lost in the beat of the music. The plane ride felt long, and the whole time I just wanted to be at home. I just did not know what I considered to be home anymore.

  My New York cab driver pulled up to the side of the street where my dorm building was. I got out, stretching my legs, and I looked up to see a large building towering above me. It was then that it hit me…this was my new home, and my new life began as I shut the cab door behind me.

  Three

  ____________________

  Wow, Bryn. I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?” Taylor asked after the story of my past had started to sink in.

  Swirling my now almost empty cup of coffee with my spoon, I shrugged at his question. “I have to go home.” And that was then it hit me—Savannah was home. It held all of my memories and everything that had ever been important to me.

  I felt someone gently squeeze my wrist. “We support you with whatever decision you make, Bryn. We all love you, you know that,” Olivia said.

  I was extremely humbled and touched by their response; I had been worried that they would think I was holding on to something that wasn’t there. New York had been amazing for me, but nothing was keeping me here. Savannah was my history, and I couldn't bear to see my father's house being sold. So it was decided. I was going to leave the city of dreams and go back to mine in Savannah.

  “This just gives all of us a reason to travel down south!” Ray replied, cutting himself a piece of pizza.

  “Yes, you all better come visit me, promise?”

  They all agreed and I took a bite of pizza.

  “When do you leave?” Stephanie asked.

  “I guess as soon as I can; we only have two weeks left before graduation, and if I can pack all of my shit up in that time, I’ll leave as soon as my last class is over.” I suddenly get how very real this all was. I was going to be moving; packing up my current life to go back to my old one. As nervous as I was for this move, I was suddenly eager.

  Olivia and I decided to walk around our favorite parts of the city before taking a cab home that night. The air was crisp but it was beautiful outside. I looked up above me as I stood in the middle of Times Square. Even though I had been here so many times in the last three years, the lights and the bustling crowds still excited me. I could never get over how amazing this city was, and I knew I would miss it when I was home in Savannah.

  We walked past various theaters, and since it was later at night, we were able to see crowds of fans surrounding the exit doors as they waited for the actors to come out. I remembered being one of those fans once upon a time. Olivia and I, both new to the city, wanted to soak up every opportunity to meet a celebrity that we could. We would go to class, come home, go out to dinner and then make our way to a talk show, a theater, or an event we had scored free tickets to where we would desperately hope to meet someone famous.

  This city had so much to offer, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it myself, it wasn’t my home. I glanced over my shoulder at the lights and took a deep breath, listening intently to all of the sounds around me.

  The last two weeks of the semester flew by quickly, and before I knew it, my papers and exams were completed and it was time to move. I was proud of myself for getting through four years of college. I graduated with a 4.0 and had made the Dean’s List every semester. College had been a nice distraction to my pain which now scared me to know that distraction was gone.

  I didn’t want to do anything the night before leaving except last-minute packing and drinking with Olivia on our last night in the apartment. Our last night. After Olivia and I had a few drinks one week before I was supposed to leave the topic of both of us moving to Savannah had come up. We had every detail settled, down to where she could work. She would stay with her parents while she searched.

  When I had woken up the next morning, my head a little foggier than usual thanks to my hangover, I figured our conversation had only been the alcohol talking. However, when I got into the kitchen, Olivia was typing furiously on her laptop looking up flight times and prices along with possible jobs she could interview for in Savannah.

  So here we were, the last night in New York and Olivia was still packing, my stuff having been in boxes for the last few days. She was always slightly lazy when it came to this stuff so it was no surprise that we were still in her room, at 10 PM, packing furiously to get everything put away.

  “Walking out that door tomorrow for the last time is going to be one of the weirdest and most surreal things ever,” Olivia said as I brought in a handful of unused boxes from my room that needed assembled, dumping the pile on her floor.

  I grabbed one of the disassembled boxes and started putting it together looking around her bare looking room. “Yeah, I’m really going to miss this place.”

  “Were you able to get us on an earlier flight tomorrow?”

  I started putting piles of clothes she had organized on the floor into the box. “Yep, we leave at eleven-fifty. Ashton is picking us up at two-thirty when our flight gets in to take us back to my house.”

  “Ahh, the infamous Ashton. He better not try to replace me as your best friend.”

  She was crazy if she ever thought there could be a better friend than her.

  “No one ever could, Olivia. But seriously, are you sure this is what you want to do? I mean, there are so many opportunities here in New York for you.”

  “Hell yeah! We both graduated, we have our whole lives ahead of us. I mean, sure I’m going to miss New York but that’s what planes and frequent flyer miles are for. Besides, I’ve missed home.”

  “It’s crazy how easy all of this is going to work out. I never thought of offering you or really anyone the basement to stay in.”

  My dad and Carter had worked on our basement for a little over a year when I was younger. They put in a guest room and a full bath that was attached to the small living area where there was a TV and couch. It was perfect if used for a short term apartment.

  “Yeah. Hey, what was that movie we just watched with that Riley chick?”

  I laughed and remembered our movie night last Monday. Having only visited the city of Savannah a few times in her life, Olivia thought it would be fun to watch a series of movies that took place there. She said she wanted to get a feel for where what Savannah was other than looking at photos online.

  “That was ‘The Last Song’ and I’m pretty sure her name is Miley.”

  “Whatever her name is it was her b
oyfriend in the movie, Will that I was interested in.” She taped up the box she had been working on. “Is that how every guy is in Savannah? Tall, dark, and handsome? Because if that’s how it is, then I’m extra glad I’m moving with you.” Olivia had once described her town as “empty of good looking men.”

  My thoughts went to Tyler who fit that description perfectly. “Not every guy, but that’s probably a good thing since those guys are the ones who will break your heart.”

  Olivia stopped putting her things in boxes and sat on her bed. “Are you going to try and get in contact with them?”

  It was a question I had been battling with ever since I knew I was going back. And I still didn’t have an answer.

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m counting on how I feel when I get there. They might not even live there anymore. Without having contact with them I have no idea where they ended up.”

  “Well no matter what, you’ll always have me.”

  I sat down next to her on the bed and pulled her into a hug. “Ditto.”

  As I lay in my bed after we had finished packing, my mind wandered to Tyler as I drifted into sleep. I tried all of my routine thought diversion mechanisms to erase him from my thoughts but none of them were working. There was a part of me that was still holding on to him. I was holding on to the hope that like that night I woke up in the hospital, even if it was just a dream, I would wake up and he would be here telling me it was all going to be okay.

  The hope was even stronger now that I knew I would be going back home in the morning: back to where he and I had started. Tonight his memory is so bright, so real. His smile and his laugh were all still vivid in my memory.

  I couldn’t count how many days I had prayed that he would find his way back to me or that it was all in my imagination that he had left me so easily. I pulled the covers up close to my face. I slowly felt myself letting him sink back into my veins, the familiar warmth of us running through me.

  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t just push him out of my head, let alone my heart. He was engraved inside of me in every way possible. There was no letting go, no stopping this fire burning inside of my soul. I knew I should have given him up years ago so I could have moved on with my new life. Even after everything, I just couldn’t stop this love.

  I find it hard to breathe when I think of being with someone else. It’s not natural for me to be without him. It’s almost as though I’m stuck with us no matter what I do or whom I try to be with. I can’t envision myself being with anyone but Tyler for the rest of my life. It’s as though that image is impossible. Even though we are not together now, there is some fucked up pull inside of me toward him.

  Love is impatient; love is cruel. It gets your hopes up then tears them down expecting you to be okay; able to cope without that second part of you that belongs to one unique person. Love makes you believe that all the hurt you have gone through will be forgotten as soon as you find that new special person. However, what do you do when you have already found that person and he’s the one who left you? Without a moment’s notice. And they take everything you gave them, and yourself, with them in the most selfishly unselfish way possible. They swear they hurt with you, swear they miss you too yet it is somehow never enough. When will we find that moment when it is enough? Will we hold on to it? Or will we find a way to let it go?

  ---

  The morning we left our apartment felt like a breath of fresh air, even though there was no such thing in New York City. This move was more than saving my father's house from being sold. It was about saving myself and having a new start-a new life. It was ironic that when I had moved to NYC four years ago, I had felt and thought the same thing.

  Olivia and I ordered a drink on the plane to celebrate our move. Flying with Olivia made the flight seem insanely short. It was full of laughs and storytelling, recounting our craziest memories in New York, some having to be whispered so no one could hear.

  As I stepped off the plane, I was eager to get to my dad’s house, or rather my house, and get settled. I pulled my cell out of my back pocket and dialed the all too familiar number.

  “Please tell me you’re calling me to say you’re here and that your plane wasn’t delayed!” Ashton said before I could even say “Hello.”

  I laughed and replied with some sarcasm: “Hey, Ashton, our flight was awesome, how are you?”

  “Sorry, Bryn, I’m just excited to see you. Where are you guys?”

  I told him what terminal we were at, and after we had wandered aimlessly for a few minutes, Ashton had picked me up in a bear hug. “Oh it’s good to have you back, Bryn! Dad’s going to be so happy to see you.”

  He put me down, grabbed my carry-on suitcase from my hands and looked at Olivia. “Hey, nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too, Bryn has told me a lot about you.”

  “Oh really?” he asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

  I laughed. “I promise nothing too bad.”

  We walked toward the front of the airport where Ashton’s car was parked.

  “It will be nice to see your dad too. I still can’t believe that it’s almost been four years since I’ve been here. I feel terrible.”

  He tightened his arm around my shoulders. “We get it, Bryn, and don't worry about it. You're home now, and that's all that matters.”

  Ashton had come to NYC only once since I had moved there and I felt guilty, as I had never returned the gesture. I smiled as we walked to the baggage claim, and then he led me outside to find a surprise waiting for me. My old, beat up and very worn-down Fire Bird was parked against the curb. It was my first love and one of the best things my father had ever given me my junior year of high school.

  “Oh my God! I can't believe this thing still runs!” I exclaimed as I ran over to it, still trying to convince myself that I wasn’t hallucinating. I laid my chest down on the hood, my arms barely reaching the width of it. Ashton grinned, throwing mine and Olivia’s luggage in the trunk of my car.

  “I've been working on it for the last two weeks, since Lida said you were coming home. I thought you would want something to drive around in.”

  I wrapped my arms around his waist. "You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you!"

  Ashton turned to Olivia who was admiring my car, her hands on her hips. “I’m sure we can find you a car to drive around, if you want.”

  Olivia shook her head, “Oh, that’s okay. As long as my parents didn’t sell my old Honda, I’ll be all set.”

  Getting into the car, a warm feeling spread through my body. Just how I left it, I thought as the smell of old leather and sunshine filled my nose.

  I let Ashton drive since I was too excited and didn’t want to risk wrecking my car, which, with my terrible luck, was bound to happen. He explained everything that I needed to know about what I had missed here. He explained how bad Lida felt having me move back here.

  “Really, it's not a big deal…I wanted a fresh start anyway, and this was just what I needed. Besides, it's good to be home.”

  We soon pulled into the familiar driveway, the sound of gravel beneath the tires one that I had missed. I waited until he had turned the car off before I let my eyes fall on the house and I felt chills go down my spine. I was home. The outside was a little bit more run down than I remembered but the shutters were still the same shade of green on the same brown siding. The yard looked like it had been recently mowed and the bushes trimmed.

  Ashton pulled out a key and unlocked the front door, letting me walk in first, Olivia still at the car getting our suitcases out of the trunk.

  The hardwood floors creaked as I stepped inside. The interior of the house was just how I had left it years ago, except for an old musty smell that had taken over. The floor plan was completely open and as soon as we walked in the door, we were greeted by the elaborate staircase which my dad had finished and carved himself. There were even some old photos hanging on the sand colored walls. To the left of me was the living room, a
nd to the right was my dad's kitchen. I set my purse on the floor as Ashton went back out to the car to bring in some of the other luggage. I was anxious to make this place my home again and thankful the movers were supposed to arrive the next day, not sure how long I could wait.

  “All right, this is the last of them," Ashton said as he set my last two suitcases on the floor, Olivia walking in behind him.

  I smiled at his gesture, remembering just how much he and I were like brother and sister. “Thanks, Ashton, I really appreciate it.” He came over and wrapped his arms around me. He was much taller and his arms felt as though they could wrap around me twice.

  “Wow, Bryn, this place is great!” Olivia exclaimed as she sat her bags down.

  “Is there anything else I can do?” Ashton asked, squeezing my shoulder one last time. He looked at Olivia, letting her know his offer stood for her as well.

  We shook our heads, knowing he had done enough…it was time for me to be re-acquainted with my home.

  “Nah. Thanks though. I think we are going to go to the grocery store before I put all of my things away. That way I can just spend the rest of my day here getting things organized.”

  I walked him outside and onto the gravel where his motorcycle was sitting.

  “Do you even know where the new grocery store is? Savannah Main is no longer where it used to be,” he asked, pulling his helmet off the back of his bike.

  Shit… “No, I guess not,” I said, running a hand through my thick hair, pulling it through a hair tie. The humidity here was too high for it to be down.

  Back when I was younger, there was a main store in the historic district. The structure was falling apart and on any given day I had been there, it seemed something else was being repaired. It sounded like they had finally done away with it and replaced it with a new one. I listened carefully as he gave me directions to the new grocery store, which was only five miles from the house.