by Beth Maria
“I’ve spent all week preparing what I’m going to say today, and I came up with nothing. Everything that I put down on paper just didn’t do my father justice, so I’ve decided I’m going to speak from the heart and go along with it. No planning.” I cast my eyes to Jake. He gives me a thumbs up, showing me his beautiful smile. It helps settle my nerves some. “My father was the kindest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever known. He never pushed me to be someone I’m not, except when it came to business. He knew that I hated it, that art was where my heart lies, but I know he would be proud that I took my own initiative and went for something I love doing, instead of settling for something that would have made me miserable. When I was younger, my father was my best friend. We’d often have father and daughter days, where we would go for ice-cream or to the cinema, time for us to bond and have a laugh. Those were some of the best days of my life, days that I will never get to do again.” A lone tear slips down my face. “But I will treasure those memories forever. I didn’t see my father for a few months before that fateful accident, which I will regret for the rest of my life, but I will never forget my last few moments with him.” I turn to face the coffin, more tears slipping down my face. I walk over to the coffin, and then gently caress the wood. “I promise, I will make you proud, Daddy. I will become the best that I can be and try to live life to the fullest. I wish you were still here with me, but I know you will always be looking down on me and that you’ll guide me when I’m not sure what to do. I love you so much. I will never forget you.”
I don’t move for a few seconds, silently saying a final goodbye before turning around to face everybody. Nearly everybody is crying. That sets off my waterworks properly. I move with shaky legs back to the pews, where my mother stands, pulling me into her embrace. I’ve missed my mother so much this last week; having only half a mother, cuddling like this, a bone crushing hug, feels comforting. I’ve needed this, especially now, knowing that the end is nearing. My father will be buried soon, so the only way I will be able to be close to him is to sit at his graveside.
“I’m so proud of you for getting up there. You’re father would be proud of you too,” my mother blubbers in my ear.
I don’t reply. I just nod my head. I pull back, knowing that we can’t stand like this all day, no matter how much I want to; the ceremony must go on.
“It’s my turn now.” My mother swallows, wiping her eyes before making her way to my father.
I sit down, giving Maisie a small smile. Straight away, she grabs my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, at the same time as Jake squeezes my shoulder. I don’t turn around. I keep my eyes transfixed on my mother. I know she doesn’t want to do this, though deep down, I know that she feels that she has to. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t say a few words at her husband’s funeral.
“I want to apologize in advance if I don’t finish what I have to say. This is very hard for me, losing the love of my life so early. We should have had so many more years together. I know that Martin talked about going travelling when we were a bit older. He loved to experience new places. However, that privilege has been taken away from him, from both of us…” My mother looks down at my father, moving her hand toward the coffin. Silent tears are slowly sliding down her face. I hate seeing my mother so heartbroken, knowing that there isn’t anything I can do to make her feel better. Only time will do that. “I met Martin when I was eighteen years old in college. We fell in love with each other straight away, and I knew he was the one. Then, six years later, we had our beautiful daughter. Life couldn’t get any more perfect. I had the perfect husband, a precious daughter, and love that was so strong absolutely nothing could break it. Until last week…” This is breaking my heart. My mother hasn’t taken her eyes off my father the whole time. “We were meant to spend our lives together until we were old, spending evenings cuddled up on the sofa, going out for dinner, taking holidays and just having fun. I just can’t comprehend that my husband is gone, never coming back to me. That being said, I’m thankful that I got to spend twenty-four amazing years with this amazing man, and I will cherish the memories for the rest of my life until we can be together again.” I watch as my mother leans down and kisses my father’s cheek. I hear a collective of sniffing, which lets me know that everyone is as touched as me by my mother’s gesture. It’s the gesture of a woman saying a final goodbye to the love of her life.
I wish I could go up there and kiss my father one last time, but I just don’t feel comfortable enough. To me, that isn’t my father anymore. That’s just his shell. His soul is up in heaven, looking down on me and probably laughing at how upset I am. He most probably wants a party. Deep down, I hope that he’s looking after my little angel and doesn’t judge me for what I did. At least now my angel isn’t alone; he or she has their granddad looking after them.
I didn’t even see my mother move to sit next to me until I felt her presence. I was so lost in my own little world. I grab her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, but keep my eyes fixed on the coffin. The ceremony is coming to a close, nearing to the time when we have to officially say goodbye. I don’t know if I can do it. All I know is that I have no choice.
****
Before I know it, we’re all standing around the hole in the ground that my father will be placed in. It’s a scary thought to think that his body will be underground, knowing that I will never see his face again.
All our friends and family are here, each holding a flower ready to throw onto the coffin. They are such beautiful flowers; white roses, my father’s favorite.
I half listen to Father Daniels speaking, before my father is slowly lowered into the ground. The tears haven’t stopped since the ceremony, and they only get harder now that the end is nearing. I feel my shoulders shaking, but the rest of me is completely numb. I guess that’s better than feeling the excruciating pain that will happen soon, completely destroying me even more than I already am…
Jake moves next to me, grabbing my hand. I’m thankful for his closeness. It makes me feel that everything will eventually be okay, as long as he is by my side. But how long will he actually be by my side?
Father Daniels gives us the signal to start dropping our flowers. My mother goes first, and then I do. I watch in slow motion as the flower falls from my hand, floating through the air before it gracefully lands on the coffin. Then I stand back and watch as everybody else does the same. The coffin looks beautiful covered in white roses. It looks more peaceful than it did without them.
Now it’s time to put some dirt down. I don’t want to. It will ruin the flowers, making them dirty and not the beautiful clean white that they already are, but it’s tradition, and I can’t break it.
The box containing the dirt is handed to me. I take a handful, feeling the soft soil through my fingers. I move my hands over the hole in the ground, letting the soil slip through my fingers. I hear the pitter patter of every tiny grain hitting the wood as the sound is multiplied from my concentration. I hear the same sound for the next few minutes, my eyes transfixed every time someone drops their soil.
All too soon, the coffin is being lowered. I see my mother breaking down next to me, knowing that this is it; this is the last time she will be near to her husband. I want to cry like her, to let it all out, but with me, that’s never the way. It will eat at me until I can’t cope anymore, and I hate that I’m like that.
People slowly start moving toward their cars, leaving to meet us at our home for the wake. My mother and I don’t move though. We just stand there, staring at the coffin. When we next come here, it will be covered up with a pile of dirt, blocking us from the most precious person in our lives.
I don’t know how long we stand there just staring. I’m lost in my own little world until someone tugs my arm. I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. My body always knows when he’s near.
“We need to leave. Otherwise, people are going to start wondering where you and your mother are, Princess,” Jake say
s quietly, still holding onto my arm.
He’s right. We do need to leave. We’re supposed to be the hosts, and so far, we’re not doing a very good job. I don’t want to leave my father here alone though, and by the looks of things, neither does my mother. How do I tell her that we need to go home?
“Mrs. Reed, we need to leave. Everybody is waiting back at the house,” Jake speaks up for me, stopping me from having to explain to my distraught mother that we can’t stay here forever, no matter how much we both want to. This isn’t doing any of us any good. It’s just so hard to turn around and leave my father to rot under the earth.
“I know, Jake. Could you just give me a minute alone please? Take Chloe with you,” my mother replies without taking her eyes off the coffin.
“Come on, Princess.” He starts directing me in the direction of his truck. I don’t fight him on this. I know my mother needs time alone to say her final goodbyes without other people around.
Jake opens the passenger door for me when we reach his truck. I climb in like a robot, sitting up and staring out the windshield. Jake climbs into the truck, where we sit in silence and wait for my mother to finish. No words need to be said. Jake realizes that I need time to process everything. He’s had to put up with all of my different moods these past few days, and he’s put up with them like a professional.
A few minutes later, I see my mother’s figure walking toward the truck, her head down, hands clasped together in front of her. She looks like a frail woman from all the stress this past week, and if I’m being honest, I don’t see her returning to her old bubbly self anytime soon. I feel like, instead of losing one parent, I’ve lost both parents this last week. I’ve practically been on my own, as my mother’s been holed up in her room most of the day except to eat, which is hardly ever. I just want my mother back.
As soon as she’s situated in the truck, Jake starts the engine, and then we’re on our way home; to the home where we can’t even go to sleep just yet because we have to socialize.
****
It’s not long before we’re pulling up outside our house, but it felt like the longest journey ever. Nobody talked the whole way home. We were all deep in thought, making the journey uncomfortable.
We all get out of the car in sync, closing the doors at the same time, like we’ve been practicing for years. It’s the only sound that can be heard in the air.
I see people huddled in the living room through the window. The house is completely packed with family and friends. I didn’t really get to see anyone in the church, though I’m sure now I won’t be able to get away from anyone.
Jake takes hold of my hand, and we follow behind my mother up the path toward the front door. As soon as we’re indoors, we are bombarded by my grandparents - my father’s parents.
“Oh, Tracy, that was a beautiful send off. Martin would have been pleased with it,” Grandma Mary says, embracing my mother in a fierce hug.
I see my mother’s shoulders shaking.
“Oh, love, it’s alright. You let it out,” she tells my mother, patting her back in comfort.
My grandma looks at me over my mother’s shoulder, giving me a weak smile, which I return as best as I can.
I’m going to get a drink, to give them some time to talk.
“I just miss him so much, Mary,” my mother sobs as I walk past.
I shudder. There’s nothing worse than hearing your mother cry and knowing there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it, except be there for her when she needs you, which is hard when she doesn’t let me in.
I pull Jake with me, not bothering to tell him where we’re heading. He doesn’t ask, just willingly follows me.
I pour Jake and myself an orange juice, handing it to him and watching him down it in a few gulps. The way his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows… Wow. How I wish I were that drink right now.
“What?” Jake asks, laughing.
Huh? What’s he laughing at? Oh crap, I’m still staring at him and holding my untouched orange juice. Why does he have this effect on me? Even when I’m at my lowest and occupied on something else, he comes in and sidetracks my thoughts, making me focus on him and only him.
I shake my head, lifting up my orange juice and feeling the cold liquid slide down my throat. Refreshing. I down it all from being so thirsty, before pouring myself a little bit more to carry around with me while we make the rounds.
I don’t answer Jake’s question.
I spot Maisie and Jesse in the corner of the kitchen, cuddled together. I’m glad that Jesse’s down; it stops Maisie from hounding me all of the time. Plus, he can keep her under reign, telling her to leave me alone when she becomes too much.
“Does he have to do that when I’m around?” Jake pipes up from beside me, sounding offended.
“Oh, leave them alone, Jake. They are in love. It’s what people in love do with each other. They express their feelings whenever they can. Jesse loves Maisie more than life itself, which is why he’s always like that. How about you take a leaf out of his book?” I turn and raise my eyebrow up at him. Jake holds my hand, but he doesn’t hug me around people or give me a kiss. I know we’re not together, but if I meant as much to him as he said, he should, right?
“You want me to act like Jesse?” he asks confused.
“No, but you could learn how to romance a girl from him. He’s the one with a girlfriend, not you.”
“Oh, I’ll show you romance, Princess.”
The next thing I know, I’m being bent backwards over Jake’s arm, his face slowly inching toward mine. I let out a squeal from the sudden movement, causing people to look toward us. As soon as Jake’s lips touch mine, electricity shoots through my body, leaving me shaking. Had I not been in Jake’s arm, I would probably be in a pile on the floor. His kisses are addictive. Before I can kiss him back, his lips move next to my ear, his hot breath on my skin giving me the famous goosebumps.
“Was that romantic enough for you?” he growls, giving my earlobe a little nip. It takes all I have not to moan out loud.
“Yes,” I whisper because it’s all I can manage. He turns me into a quivering mess at the click of his fingers. Damn my traitorous body!
He gives me a final kiss before standing me upright. Everybody is staring at us with smiles on their faces, but Maisie has the biggest smile of everyone. If she smiles any bigger, her face might just split in two.
I feel my cheeks heat up from the fact that everybody just witnessed that. I look down on the floor and see a wet puddle on the floor. Where did that come from? Oh God! I’d completely forgotten that I was holding my orange juice. It must have spilled out of the cup when Jake tipped me back. Damn, boy! Now I have to clean it up before people slip on it.
I make my way over to the sink, grab the towel, and then start cleaning up the mess, my earlier embarrassment forgotten. I put the soaking wet towel in the washing machine, then turn to face Maisie and Jesse, who still have goofy smiles on their faces.
“What?” I ask exasperated. It’s been a long day, and it’s not even four o’clock yet…
“Oh nothing…” Maisie answers, the grin not disappearing from her face.
“Get rid of the goofy smiles then, you two.” I waggle my finger at them, the smile slipping onto my face. It’s infectious!
“It must be love, love, love,” Jesse singsongs to Jake and me.
I cover my face with my hands, willing the world to swallow me up. Jake must see my discomfort because he says to Jesse, “Knock it off, dude. I was just proving that I could be a romantic bastard like you.”
Jesse laughs, the deep sound reverberating through the room. “How’s that working out for you?”
“Meh, not bad actually. Seems to be working. What do you think?”
“Well, you can’t go wrong when you make a mixtape,” Jesse says humorously, giving Jake a wink. I can’t help but laugh. I knew that the guys would give him a hard time about this when they found out, though I think it’s the sweetest gesture e
ver. Definitely trumps when Jesse sang to Maisie. I get to keep my mixtape, as where Maisie just gets to keep the memory.
“Aw, Jesse, leave Jake alone. I think it was adorable, actually.” I turn toward Jake, whose cheeks are starting to tint red, touch his arm, stand on my tippy toes, and give him a lingering kiss, letting him know how much it means to me. Jake’s cheeks are even redder by the time I’ve pulled back. Is he embarrassed?
“Aw, is my big tough brother getting all embarrassed?” Maisie teases, laughing.
I turn, giving her a stern look and telling her with my eyes not to make fun of him. I didn’t make fun of Jesse when he sang to her, so she should have the decency to do the same. She knows this doesn’t come naturally for her brother.
Her laughter dies down, and she apologizes to me with her eyes.
“I best go say thank you to people for coming. See you in a few hours probably,” I tell them, rolling my eyes. They all just laugh at me. Fuckers.
I leave Jake with them, and make my way into the living room to start the torture of interacting, when it’s the last thing I want to be doing right now. I’ve had a laugh with my friends, which helped take my mind off things for a while, but now it’s back to business. My mellow mood has returned, reminding me why I have to speak to everyone.
I only get to take two steps into the living room before my Granny Bell and Granddad Michael bombard me.
“Oh, my dear, how are you holding?” she asks, pulling me into her famous bone crushing hugs.
“Granny, I can’t breathe.”
She loosens her hold on me, finally allowing me to breathe. “Oh, sorry, dear,” she says apologetically. It doesn’t stop her from doing it again the next time she sees me. Deep down though, I love her hugs. She’s such a passionate lady.
“I’m as good as can be considering,” I reply to her earlier question, shrugging my shoulders. What do you say to a question like that? That, in actual fact, it’s destroying me as the days go by, and I wish more than anything that my father was here, pressuring me that I should have chosen Business?