Defect

by Kerekes, Ryann

  “I’ve heard O’Donovan and La Rusa talking. You probably only have a few days left before they try something.” He turns and meets my eyes. “Rena and I have been trying to come up with a plan, but I’m afraid you might not like the best we’ve come up with.” He brings his hands to my face and cups my jaw, pulling me in toward him. He kisses my lips, softly, gently. When I’m calmed, I pull back.

  “What do I need to do?”

  “We’re going to take a walk,” he says. “Follow me.”

  We walk in silence for several minutes before it comes into view. The fence, huge and solid, looms before us. So many questions run through my mind, I don’t even know where to begin. My feet keep walking, and I stay quiet. We walk parallel to the fence, not daring to get too close. We stay just at the edge of the tree cover. Will stops and looks at something in the distance. “You see that boulder that looks out of place up there?”

  I follow his gaze. There’s a black onyx stone near the fence about one hundred yards from where we stand. I nod.

  “That’s where you’ll cross.”

  I turn to him. He can’t mean … “Will, Rena said those people were shot trying to go over.”

  “You’re not going over. You’ll be going under.”

  My heart thumps unevenly, like we’ll be shot just for having this conversation if anyone overhears us. I look around. The forest is completely silent, but the gravity of the situation is too much. My legs give out, and I sink to the ground.

  Will kneels down beside me and presses his palm to my forehead and my cheek. “Eve, tell me; what is it?”

  “I … I can’t. I can’t do that, Will. Maybe I can go back home. Go to my mother. We’ll run away. There’s got to be another way.”

  He lets me ramble for a minute, before he shakes his head. “You can’t do that. You know when you go missing, that’s the first place they’ll look.”

  I know he’s right, but this is crazy. I’ve done well with the challenges because I had to, but living on my own in the wilderness … that is not something I can do. His faith in me is too much. I wonder which is worse – being accidentally killed in the compound in the presence of my friends or dying alone in the wilderness.

  “After you cross, it’ll be about a week-long walk before you reach an outpost. Rena says there’s a community of people. They’ll take you in.” He’s looking down. I wonder what he’s thinking, wondering if he doubts this plan as much as I do. But I don’t interrupt him.

  I’ve been so focused on escaping this place; I hadn’t stopped to realize what it would mean. I would be alone. Completely alone. Once I crossed that fence, I could never come back. I wouldn’t see my mother again. I would never see him again.

  “Rena is gathering supplies for you. And I’ve been studying the guard duties at this stretch of the fence. There aren’t as many guards patrolling over here, since they figure escaping from the locked-down compound would be impossible.”

  I interpret his words a different way. No one would be stupid enough to try and escape from this place. I know I should appreciate Will and Rena for helping me, but I’m numb. And for the first time, I don’t know if I will follow through with their plan. For the first time since coming here, I am letting fear creep in and overtake me. I look to the fence again, and set against the brilliant blue sky, it seems to offer hope. Hope for a future, only I haven’t decided which future is more unbearable.

  “What are you thinking?” he asks.

  “We should get back.”

  He mistakes my response for bravery, but that is the last thing I feel right now. We head back to the Jeep and get inside. But before Will starts it, he turns to me. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

  Instead of answering, I hold his eyes with mine. His look is all encompassing and heat radiates between us. I give myself over to the moment and crawl over onto his lap. He pulls me to his chest and folds me up in his arms. He doesn’t ask any questions, he just holds me. The beating of our hearts to the same rhythm is the only thing I focus on for a few minutes. When I’m ready, I pull back and look at him. “How much time do we have?” I suddenly realize this is the thing I’m most afraid of losing. Will. Losing the one person who understands me and accepts me just the way I am.

  He swallows. “Three days.”

  The whole ride back I have impossible conversations with myself. I can’t ask him to come with me – that’s crazy. Why should he give up his life – put himself in danger for me – to be with me? But my mind stumbles over ways to ask him, just the same. I glance over at him. He’s quiet, concentrating on the road ahead of us. When we reach the compound, he parks and we climb out. I’ve missed my opportunity. The moment is gone. Admitting how I feel about Will, telling him what I want is harder than any of the physical challenges they’ve put me through.

  He stops before we reach the door, a determined look on his face. “I don’t want you sleeping in the dorms unprotected. If it’s okay with you, I thought you could stay in my room.” He’s looking down as he says this; like there’s something he’s not telling me.

  “What about the tracking device?”

  He shakes his head. “The radar room’s been empty since the challenge. I don’t think anyone’s watching. They don’t suspect anything.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll come for you at lights out.”

  I nod, already anticipating that delicious feeling of being safe in his arms again.

  Chapter 23

  In the bunker that night, I’m torn about what to tell Sam. Part of me doesn’t want her to know anything. It will be safer. That way, if she’s questioned after my disappearance, she truly won’t know anything that will get her, or me, in trouble. But I also hate the idea of running away, leaving my friends to forever wonder what became of me. I want Sam to picture me running through the forest on my way to freedom, rather than think something terrible has happened.

  After debating over the decision, I decide to pull Alex and Sam aside. It’s not easy, with Sam and Jake locked together on a sofa. They are inseparable now.

  “What’s up?” Sam asks when I pull her away, her eyes still on Jake. His hair stands in disarray from her roaming hands.

  “We need to talk.”

  Sam’s eyes dart from Jake to mine, focusing. “What was with you getting pulled out of training this afternoon? What did O’Donovan want?”

  I walk them to the side of the room. “I didn’t really have testing with O’Donovan today. Will took me to the fence.” At the word fence, Sam staggers back like I’ve slapped her. Alex shakes his head, trying to erase the word from between us. “Things are changing in the capital. People are questioning the mindscan. And my presence here is becoming a problem.” I speak matter-of-factly, like I’m discussing something business-like, rather than my planned death. “They’re going to kill me.”

  “No.” Alex shakes his head. “They wouldn’t, they can’t …”

  His sentence is left unfinished. We all know they can and will do whatever they want. Our imprisonment here is proof of that.

  “What are you going to do?” Sam asks, her eyes widening in understanding.

  I swallow, suddenly regretting that I’m even telling them. What if the bunker is bugged? What if Sam or Alex turns me in for trying to escape? I release a deep sigh. “I don’t want you guys sucked into this. I just wanted you to know … if I go away …” I can’t finish. I look down and fumble with my hands.

  “Away?” Sam looks at me like there is something big I’ve missed. She takes my wrist and holds it up in front of my face. “Away?” She drops my arm, disgusted.

  My chip. How could I have forgotten about my chip? They’d track me anywhere I went. And even less likely, how could Will have forgotten? I knew he wouldn’t have. I had to trust him. He was probably working on a plan right now that would take out the monitoring system. I don’t know how, but I know he’ll have a way. “It will work, Sam. I just wanted you guys to know, that it in a few days when I go missi
ng, not to worry.”

  Sam glares at me for a second. “Not to worry? Eve, you really do have a death wish. And this is the stupidest idea you’ve had yet.” She turns and walks away. She sits down next to Jake, tense and seething on the edge of the sofa.

  Then I remember Alex is still standing next to me. “You don’t have to do this, Eve. I could protect you, I could try …”

  “No, Alex.” I shake my head. “I know you could, but it’s just better this way.”

  He nods and gives me a hug. “Be safe, Eve.”

  “I’ll do my best.” It’s the most I can promise.

  ***

  All of the girls are tucked into bed, tired from the day spent training. I lay on my side so I can watch the doorway, waiting for Will. I blink and suddenly he’s there, all six feet three inches of him, filling the doorway. His eyes are locked on mine.

  I glance around, making sure that no one is looking and slip quietly down the ladder. I cross the floor to him. When I reach him, he picks me up and holds me against his chest, and carries me from the room. I don’t argue, since I assume he thinks one set of footsteps will be better than two. He carries me all the way to his room.

  Once we’re inside, he sets me down. “I could’ve walked, you know?”

  He smiles. Suddenly, I’m not sure why he carried me and wonder if it was just for the chance to hold me for longer.

  Everything feels accelerated on this three day timeline and now that we’re alone, we don’t waste any time. I grip his shoulders, pulling him closer, and he dips his head to kiss me. We stand pressed together against the door, kissing until I’m breathless.

  His mouth is warm against mine, and I lift up on my toes, trying to get even closer. He moves to my jaw, his breath tickling my skin. He pushes my hair to the side and kisses my neck, his tongue leaving a damp path along the tender skin. I feel his breathing grow quicker, and a small moan escapes my lips.

  Will pulls back to look at me. “Eve, are you sure … is this okay? Do you want to talk about … anything?”

  I don’t answer. Instead I pull him closer by his belt loops, and he’s kissing me again. I don’t want to examine why I can share my body with him, but I still can’t form into words what I’m thinking, how I feel – about him. About us.

  Without breaking the kiss, his fingers fumble on the wall beside us for the light switch.

  “No. Leave it on,” I say. I want Will to see me. And I want to see him. All of him. I won’t be robbed of this experience.

  I grow bold and let my hands explore, pressing my palms against the stubble on his cheeks, running my fingers through his hair and down the back of his neck. His breathing is low and shallow, and he watches my eyes. I trail my fingers down his arms, which are lightly covered in golden hair. My hands continue moving of their own accord, over his firm chest, sliding down his tensed stomach muscles.

  I am hyper-aware of every sensation, the way his breathing quickens against my lips, the feel of his tongue, soft and damp moving with mine. I’m aware of his body, pressing me against the wall, our hearts pounding together.

  My fingers fumble at the buttons on my shirt. I don’t want anything separating us. Once it’s unbuttoned, I slide the shirt down my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. A strange mix of vulnerability and power swells inside me.

  Will stops kissing me and meets my eyes – confusion written all over his face. His eyes stay locked on mine as I undress. I remember the day of my mindscan when I stood defiantly in front of him and the others with my gown peeking open. That day I’d wanted to act unafraid, like I was unbothered by it all, but today it is much harder to pretend. My breaths come in quick puffs and my fingers tremble.

  “Will, you can … look at me.” I press my palms to his cheeks and lower his head down. His eyes stay on mine for a second longer, then move slowly down my body. His eyes grow soft, like he’s looking at something beautiful, but I can’t be sure. It’s unlike anyone’s ever looked at me before.

  I can tell I have goose bumps across my body. He brings his hands to my shoulders and trails his fingers down my arms. I think it’s meant to warm me, but instead, it sends shivers down my body.

  I follow his gaze down and suddenly feel uncertain. Even with the hint of muscle I never had before, I’m still skinny and pale. Not to mention, it’s impossible to look sexy in government-issued underwear. They were once white, but are now sort of grayish. And on me, they’re baggy. The elastic has long ago given up. Will’s eyes stop at the underpants and a smile tugs at his lips.

  “So that’s what the girls are wearing these days?”

  I swat at his arm, but he catches my wrist and holds it.

  “Not by choice – you know that.” Nothing here was by choice. Except us. That’s why this feels so right. We’re choosing each other.

  He uses the hold on my wrist to pull me a step closer. I stumble toward him, weak in the knees. He slips his hands down to my waist, holding me steady. “Don’t worry. Even in those granny-panties, you’re still turning me on.”

  Heat floods my cheeks. I reach up on my toes and kiss him. I toy with the edge of his shirt and put my hands under it, sliding my palms up his chest. He’s firm, yet smooth, and his heart is pounding just as hard as mine.

  He lets me explore the contours of his chest and stomach, his eyes falling closed at my touch. After a second, he pulls his shirt over his head and drops it to the floor. I take a step back, and take in the sight of him. His body is long and lean, and cut with hard muscle. He is the most beautiful, most whole thing I have ever seen. He brings me close again and presses me to his chest. The effect of skin-on-skin wraps me in warmth and suddenly it’s much too hot in here.

  He picks me up, easily lifting me off my feet and holds me against him. I forget about everything else but Will. Will’s kisses. Will’s heartbeat. Will... Only Will.

  ***

  He wakes me in the morning, playing with my hair. I blink my eyes open, and suddenly I’m self-conscious about how must look, about what happened between us last night. He wraps me tighter in his arms, pushing any awkwardness away. “I’m not going to let you go today,” he whispers, closing his eyes, drawing me to him.

  I wish I didn’t have to argue; that I could pretend this was my real life, and I could stay in his warm arms. But I can’t. My real life is death threats, brutal training, and a looming fence that leads to the world unknown.

  I wiggle out of his arms and sit up. I’m wearing one of his T-shirts. I don’t remember putting it on. My memory of last night is a little fuzzy. I remember kissing Will, undressing with him, and then we crawled in between the sheets. That’s where my memory stops. Oh God. I must have fallen asleep.

  I turn to him. He’s wearing a playful smile on his lips, so I know he’s not mad. “You’re remembering last night, aren’t you?”

  I drop my eyes. “I am so sorry about that.”

  He shakes his head. “Eve, don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re comfortable enough around me to relax. You obviously needed sleep.” He winds a lock of my hair around his finger. “Though I am a little self-conscious that I bore you that much.”

  I grab his shoulder. “You do anything but bore me. Trust me.”

  His face lights up. I can tell he wants to ask more, to hear me tell him how I really feel, but I can’t let that happen. There will be no happy ending for us, and the longer we pretend, the harder this will be.

  I swing my legs over the side of the bed and climb out. I pull on my pants. “I better get to breakfast.”

  He nods, but doesn’t say anything as I dress. I turn and leave the room without looking back.

  Chapter 24

  Two days left. That’s all I can focus on during training today. I hope no one can read my mind, because it’s all I think about as we run endless laps around the perimeter of the compound. I think of Will, and it pushes me harder.

  Sam runs next to me, Jake on her other side, of course. She still hasn’t spoken to me since I told her, and I
still haven’t asked Will about the tracking chip. I’m almost afraid to hear his solution. It must not be good if he hasn’t told me yet. I sensed that he was only giving me the information I needed in that moment, revealing each little piece at a time, so he wouldn’t overwhelm me with the whole plan all at once. At first that idea bothered me, but I’ve grown to appreciate it.

  I know he and Rena are assembling supplies and studying the guards’ movements at the fence, but I haven’t pressed them for additional details. I don’t want any doubts planted in my mind about my ability to do this. I have to do this.

  That night after showering, I lay in bed waiting for Will to come for me. Only when I hear the footsteps, instantly I know they don’t belong to Will. A moment later, Rena appears in the doorway to the dorm.

  I sit up in bed, fearful that something’s happened to him, but she shakes her head, and offers a small smile. Air rushes into my lungs again.

  I climb down from the bunk and follow her into the hall. “Where’s Will?” I whisper once we’re out of ear shot from the bunks.

  “He didn’t want to risk being seen with you.” Rena keeps walking. “Come on.”

  I follow her to her room, where Will is waiting for us. There is a large backpack and supplies scattered across the floor. Will’s packing my bag. My heart hammers in my chest, as if realizing this is really going to happen.

  Rena paces the room.

  “What is it, what’s wrong?” I ask.

  She stops in front of me, her eyes wild and chaotic. “A former government official posted an article yesterday about the mindscan process. He revealed that – in addition to testing for future crime – it disables a small part of the brain, and that’s why people become docile after it.”

  The blood drains from my head, and I get dizzy. I reach for the edge of the bed and collapse onto it. Will’s jaw is tense, and he’s looking at me. I can tell Rena has already told him, but his reaction at hearing it a second time is still pure anger.