No Good Deed

by Jerry Jackson

  This caught them totally off guard, giving the edge to The Vanguard. Obidaan set off another holy smite, landing his sword squarely in the side of the half—orc and sending him sprawling to the ground, his axe went flying out of his hand and embedded itself into the ground. Terry was able to land a solid blow with her bo stick across the face of the dwarf, then she ran him threw with her sword. Trying to hold himself together, he passed out on the ground and lay bleeding to death. The monk was able to dodge the missile, but this left her open and vulnerable; Don took full advantage of it. He turned to the side and put his foot squarely into her face, knocking her back, and caused her to loose her composure. Harried, she over extended a double—fisted attack, allowing Don to land a solid punch first in her midsection, making her double over. He finished her with a knee to the face, knocking her out.

  Obidaan looked at the defeated group. He was angry and this was the last straw. He was about to execute them when Relina piped in, “Honey, please!”

  “It’s no less than what they deserver!” Obidaan decried and readied once again with a death blow.

  “But, they’re still just bandits.” She pleaded. Just leave them.

  Had it been anyone else he would have ignored them but he could not ignore her. “Fine.” He said and replaced his sword. He hopped on his horse and left the bandits, 1 dead and the rest injured.

  The rest of the trip was uneventful and soon they were nearing Qualtar. Obidaan stopped them, “Ok, I said I’d explain when we get closer, now’s the time. I want you three to go in on horse well ahead of us, as just some people passing through. Relina, you’ll drive the wagon and I’ll lead. You and I will be the official envoy. I want them to just two of us came in; they’ll be looking for people hauling wagons, so they shouldn’t suspect y’all. I want y’all in the audience when we start our presentation. Make sure you get a look at the queen.” He then laid out the rest of the plan. They all laughed as he described what he wanted done. They finished with a “Vanguard!”

  The three had no trouble getting in. With Alister’s quick wit and bardic knowledge, he let them know he was in town to collect stories and would need to be in the audience of the king’s chamber in order to record events. Don and Terry he said were his bodyguards. They all laughed. To say they were “bodyguards” implied he paid them and everyone knows no self respecting bard pays for anything. They chalked it up to bravado and since it was common for bards to record history they shuttled him.

  The gate guards got on edge when they saw Obidaan and Relina approach. They were stopped at the gate. “State your business,” voiced one of the guards. It was obvious they were stalling him. Obidaan could have let them, but considering he was bluffing too, he knew he’d have to play it tough.

  “I am Obidaan Grailann, Paladin of the Seer. This is my wife Relina, priest of The Seer. We have traveled from Pinnacle and have business with your king. That is all you need know. Now, if you will excuse me, I will be on my way.” He started to move forward, but the guards continued to block him.

  “We apologize, sir. We can see you are a paladin but we need to verify…”

  “You need to do no such thing!” he wasn’t using an intimidation spell, he was just going to pull rank on them, “I am a paladin, I answer only to my gods, not to your king and especially not to his flunkies. Now, unless you want to cause an interdimensional incident, I strongly suggest you step aside and let me pass. I will not ask again.” They stepped out of his way.

  Once they were clear of the guards, Relina couldn’t help but giggle some, “Interdimensional incident?” she said, “What’s that?”

  “I have no idea, but it sure sounds like something you don’t want to get involved in,” he chuckled.

  They made their way down the main street, directly to the castle. Soon they were at the castle gate. Strangely, the drawbridge was up and the gate was closed. A lone guard yelled to him from her tower.

  “State your business,” she yelled down to him.

  “I am Obidaan Grailann, Paladin of the Seer, my business is with your king. Lower your drawbridge now.”

  “One moment, please,” she yelled back, and disappeared.

  Obidaan did not wait to see what she was doing. Reaching for his paladin symbol, he pointed it directly at the door, “I have business in this castle, with this king. By divine right, let me pass.” His symbol began to glow and the drawbridge began to lower as the portcullis began to rise, and the gate opened. It became obvious that some of the guards were foolishly trying to resist but no one can resist the Divine Right of Passage. They now crossed into the castle.

  On the other side was the lady he was speaking to moments ago, “I shall have no more of your folly. Get me eight guards and get them for me now or I shall have your head. I am clear?”

  Eight guards formed up. “Follow me,” was all Obidaan said. Once near the main castle door, he had two of them each take a chest and follow in behind him. Putting his hands on the door, he pushed them open and they nearly flew off of their hinges. A resounding bang was heard. He made his way directly to the king’s chamber where business was being conducted. He forced the doors open, only this time with a more resounding bang, catching everyone’s attention. He looked around for a moment and saw his team in place. He then proceeded forward to the throne. He told the guards to drop the chests and leave.

  “Who are you who orders my men around?” the king said.

  “I am Obidaan Grailann, Paladin. And I am here to negotiate for the release of the queen of Bocktaria.”

  “Ah, yes, payment for room and board for our illustrious guest. Let me assure you she has been well taken care of, given only the finest of everything we have and treated as a woman befitting her station.

  Obidaan wondered if he could die from all of the signals going off in his head, indicating not one word he said was the truth. Still he played along, “Excellent, if you will bring the queen, you can have the chest and I will consider the matter closed.”

  “Not so fast. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t. I realize you have to stick to your word, but you can lie, you’re still human. If you will allow me to, my men will bring the gold here and…”

  “This gold will not leave me until the queen has been returned. I still request to see the queen.”

  “Oh, very well, someone go get her.”

  A few minutes later, the Queen appeared before them. She was well dressed and clean. Her orange eyes looked out over the crowd and seemed to be squinting, but she did not speak. She was of average height, and build but a large chest. Her blond hair was long and flowing.

  “Are you well, my queen? I am Obidaan and I am here to negotiate your release.”

  She looked at him, “I am fine, sir. They have treated me well and my stay has been most hospitable.” Obidaan could tell she was lying.

  “Thank you, my lady. I assume they have kept you in the tower in one of their finest guest rooms then?”

  “Yes, the north wing, all the way to the end.” Another lie.

  “Thank you. Now, If you will hand her over, I will leave the gold and we can be on our way.”

  “I don’t think so,” said the king, “you’ve seen the queen, — please return her to her room — now it is my turn. Open the chests, paladin.”

  “This is an outrage! We have what each other wants before them, let us exchange and be done!”

  Obidaan did not dare attack. He could see the archers around, not to mention the guard standing next to her. She’d be dead before he took two steps.

  “No. The chest,” the king repeated.

  “Very well,” Obidaan relented and he and Relina opened the chests. Somehow he felt this should be going better, still he had a plan anyway. Why isn’t the king respecting his station? What’s going on? Obviously, this guy’s a megalomaniac. Obidaan doubted he would respect any Paladin’s power. Lucinda’s words,
“you’re such an amateur,” ran through his head.

  “Now, run your hands through them. Yes, I know about fools gold. I am making sure you are not pulling a fast one.” They did it, picking up the gold and running it through their hands, “Excellent. Now we will do this tomorrow, same time. If the gold is there, you can have her.” Obidaan detected he was lying. “If not, I shall keep her.” That was the truth. “You see, I’ve grown quite fond of her and was hoping she’d see it in her heart to marry me. We’d make a wonderful couple and the merger of our lands would insure her safety and bring stability to this region.”

  Obidaan knew he was lying but it was clear what he wanted. “Fine, till tomorrow.” He looked around the room, “You men, load these chests back onto my cart.” Obidaan began marching out.

  “Oh, one more thing,” the king added.

  “What?” Obidaan looked back.

  “Leave the chests. Please. Don’t want anyone shenanigans now do we?”

  Obidaan was unfazed by the king’s request. It was if he expected it. Obidaan had them leave the chests. He then casts a few spells on the chests. “One is to mark them, so I will know them. Second, to bind them to the floor till tomorrow, and finally, to lock them so no one but I can get into them.” Without waiting for any further noise from the king, he left.

  He left the city completely, setting up camp twenty minutes away. Two hours later the others joined them.

  He and Relina rose to greet them. “How’d it go?”

  “Just as we planned, but better.” Terry said.

  “Outstanding,” Obidaan said with a smile.

  “Alister, wipe the lipstick off of your face,” Relina said.

  “Sorry,” Alister said wiping with his shirt sleeve. “Seems the chambermaid was quite forthcoming, in more ways than one. As a matter of fact, I still have the keys to the dungeon and the cells. It’s amazing how willing pissed off people are to help you screw their boss.”

  “Lucinda was correct there,” Relina said. She then looked over at Don and gave him a curtsy; he returned it.

  Obidaan reached out and took Don’s hand and bowed, placing Don’s hand on his forehead, “Welcome your majesty,” he said.

  In Don’s voice, “Thank you, and please, call me Darla.”

  Two hours ago:

  Obidaan left the castle, which left Terry, Don, and Alister to carry out the infiltration. Alister looked around and found a chambermaid attending to some guests. It didn’t take him long to get her to show him to the kitchen. He motioned the others to get closer to him and wait.

  While waiting they observed the various goings on in the court, had some wine and cheese that was put out for those waiting, and listened to an old man drone on about “back in his day…” stories.

  Alister finally motioned them in. He had lipstick on his lips, which the others purposely didn’t tell him about and was straightening his clothes, as was the chambermaid. She then showed them the entrance from the kitchen to the dungeon, used by servants and guards only. Just before they descended, Alister gave her one last kiss, then changed into the chambermaid whose time it was to take food to the queen. Grabbing the tray they began to make their way down. The maid he was impersonating came from the pantry and waved to them, straightening herself out as well. The two maids looked at each other, heaved a heavy sigh then went back to work.

  In the darkness, Terry and Don were able to make themselves virtually invisible. When they entered the dungeon they could see the guard area to the left and on the outside was a guard. He looked back and saw the “maid” going about her business and paid her no mind. Using the keys he was given Alister opened the door to the queen’s cell.

  “Put it over there with the rest of the food,” the queen said, “I will not eat.”

  “That’s a shame,” Alister was whispering, his voice came through, “since you have such a lovely face and figure.”

  “You’re not Betty,” the queen was startled, but had enough sense to stay quiet. Even if she screamed, she knew the guards would be of no help. Better to see what was going on first before trying anything.

  “No, I am Alister, this is Don,” he stepped out of the shadows and bowed, “and just outside is Terry.” A hand appeared and disappeared in front of the door, “and we’re here to rescue you.”

  “Really? How?”

  “Don, are you ready?” Alister continued to whisper.

  “Yes.”

  “My lady, if you could stand in front of Don, facing him.” She did as she was told. Alister did an incantation, reversing the looks of the people. The queen now looked like Don, and Don now looked like the queen.

  Darla was frantic but still whispered, “Are you crazy? This will never work! This is the oldest trick in the book! They demagic this area every night, not to mention the wards they have around the castle. We’ll never make it out.”

  “Ah, but we will. You see, Don’s monk discipline can defocus magic on him, to make it look like he has none. Since no magic will be detected, none will be dispelled. Has something to do with willpower, focus, centering the mind, that sort of thing.”

  “It’s a little bit more complicated than that,” Don said in the queen’s voice. She found it very weird to look at herself and here herself speak, “I have to remain perfectly still and basically meditate and move my consciousness to the astral plane. Since I am there with the magic, any type of spell that would detect or dispel magic would be fooled. If however a fireball came through, I’m toast.”

  “Yeah, what he said, second, we shall be close to you, and I can detect wards and should be able to move around them. It will be slow going getting you out but we can do it. We will have to look as though we are maneuvering for a better position in the court as opposed to escaping. Also, this spell is more complete than the one I’m using on myself, you noticed you sound like Don and he sounds like you.”

  “I hope you’re right,” the queen said

  “Trust me.”

  Once out of the kitchen, they began to move about the crowd. As they got close to a ward, a buzzing noise went off in Alister’s ear. The louder the buzz, the closer they were. It seemed the wards would force them to get close to the king before they could head backwards. Alister took out his pen and paper and began writing notes about what was going on in the court. Except for Obidaan, it was fairly mundane items: settling disputes, people getting permission to build things, presentations from other lands, diplomats looking for trade routes, even a marriage ceremony.

  An hour passed and Alister, with his bodyguards, started making their way out. It wasn’t unusual for bards to come and go throughout the day so no one took much notice. As Alister maneuvered to avoid wards, he made it seem he was interviewing people in the court. Another hour passed before he finally made it out.

  Back to present time.

  Obidaan straightened up and let go of her hand, “Queen Darla…” he began

  “No, just Darla, please. After what your group has done for me, I will not accept formalities. You have saved my life, and my kingdom. I don’t know how to repay you.”

  “Well, Darla, don’t thank us yet, this is only the first part of the plan. We still need to rescue Don, the one who replaced you.”

  “I understand. What I will need is to get back to my kingdom as soon as possible. Once there, I can contact the other kingdoms. When they find out Qualtar was trying to make a power play, they will protect me.”

  “In that case, Terry and Alister will escort you home. Once in your land, Alister can reverse the spell, and we will meet you at your castle.

  “Besides,” Relina said, “we have some unfinished business.”

  “Yes,” Obidaan agreed, “we must make the rescue attempt in the tower, continue the ruse. We must make him believe he has the upper hand and has outsmarted us. Gods speed to you.”

  Later that night, Obidaan
and Relina began their feint. They knocked out the few guards, and were able to easily — too easily — defeat the guards at the chamber door where the queen supposedly was staying. When they flung open the door, they were even more surprised to be met by a couple of wizards. Spells came whipping at them. They shut the door and dove for the floor as the door exploded and shattered. The king was sitting in the room, watching with glee. Obidaan and Relina ran out of the castle as fast as they could, ‘cursing’ their defeat.

  “I never realized paladins were so easily scared off. And these are the ‘protectors’ of our world? ” he began laughing hardily. Some of his men had begun to pursue them, but he stopped them. “No, let them go. Tomorrow shall be glorious.”

  With their ‘humiliation’ firmly established, the couple went to sleep. About half way through the night, Relina woke up crying, waking Obidaan.

  “What’s wrong, my sweet?”

  “I just began my period.”

  A tear almost came to his eye, “It’s ok, dear, it’s just not time yet.” He held her till she fell back asleep, and then he went to sleep. A tear ran down his cheek.

  The next morning found them in a somber mood. In a way, this was good because it would really make the king feel he had accomplished something. Just outside the city the king and 4 guards surrounded ‘Darla’, her hands tied behind her back, or so they thought. Don had already released the ropes and was merely holding them to look like he was still tied up. Obidaan stood about 20 yards away. The 4 chests, the immobility spell worn off, still sat locked before the king.

  “Well, paladin, let’s see if you fail again. Open the chests!”

  Without hesitation, Obidaan walked toward them and opened the chests, they were empty.