In Between Dreams

by Iman Verjee

  ‘Will you come with me? I’m so nervous.’

  ‘Sure,’ I shake myself from my thoughts. ‘What time?’

  ‘Same time, at four thirty, after classes?’

  I can’t look at her; her face is too bright and happy and she has become the stranger I knew before we held hands and chanted in the forest. ‘Okay. Yeah, I’ll meet you there.’

  We leave the dining room; I throw away the rest of my porridge, and toss the bowl into the bucket, hardly knowing what I’m doing. I can no longer think straight and I realize that I’ve been harboring the secret hope that the spell is doing its magic and soon it would work. But now that I know Leo is here to see Victoria and I haven’t heard one word from my father, I remember how silly the whole thing had seemed to me at first, and I know I will not see him for another seven months.

  ‘It’s really going to happen,’ Victoria is still speaking, almost running up the stairs. ‘I can’t believe it actually worked!’

  He is waiting for us as we make our careful way down the icy slope toward the forest. The pine trees are full and beautiful and catch the snow within their needles; velvet green spotted white. He is wearing a leather jacket that fits his large torso perfectly and from the back, I see that his hair hangs long and flicks at the base of his neck.

  ‘He’s so hot,’ she whispers to me, pausing to fan her face dramatically. ‘How do I look?’

  ‘Perfect.’ She slaps her cheeks silently to get the blood flowing and then tosses her head forward and flips her hair, pushing it up with her fingers. ‘Okay. Stay here, I’ll be right back.’

  She saunters up to him, touching him on the shoulder and he turns around, crushing her in a hug. I step behind a tree so he won’t see me.

  He kisses her and her hands slide up the back of his jacket and when they break it off, she presses her face to his chest.

  ‘You really kept me waiting,’ she says.

  He is quiet, stroking her hair and then pulls her back and holds her by the shoulders. ‘I did it, Vick. I told her that it’s over.’ He pauses and even before he says it, I know he will, and I almost shove my fists in my ears because I don’t want to hear it. But I have to. ‘I love you.’

  It is said with such earnestness, such passion. Perhaps I am just angry, or it has been such a long time since I have heard those words spoken to me, but Leo’s declaration seems more real than anything I have ever heard from my father. Though they carry a thousand meanings, the words coming from Leo are unburdened. He smiles when he says them, they make him throw his arm around her neck and laugh loudly, and looking at him, I realize that my father never looks like that when he says it to me. Those three words make his eyes stormy, his face look older and sad. They weigh him down while lifting me up.

  I back away from the tree, stumbling down further, heading in a direction I have never been before. I just want to move away from my thoughts; eventually, Victoria and Leo are lost and I have come to the edge of the river. It’s wide and travels down in the direction of the town. I know that in the summer it’s not a clear blue, but shines a strange shade of green, emerald almost, though today it’s covered in a thin sheet of black ice and I can see the water struggling beneath it. I touch my foot to it, hear the strain it causes, and pull back. I step on it again, in a different spot, and this time the ice carries my weight. I inch further along, placing a second foot on the ice and let out a frosty exhale when it stands strong. I hardly know what I’m doing.

  There is something exciting about being in danger; it wipes my mind clean of anything and all I can do is concentrate on keeping my balance, fully aware that my next step might crack the ice and I will fall through. I don’t think of what that could mean; I simply enjoy the thrill, throwing my arms out and tilting my head up to the tall, stretching circle of trees around me. Why? I shout silently up at them. Why have you given this to her? I spin around, slowly at first, but the air feels so wonderful in my face and the trees are such a stark, mossy green, that I get lost in them and don’t hear the warning sound of the ice beginning to give beneath me.

  It occurs so fast that I don’t know what has happened until the water reaches my chest and the breath blows out of me. I kick desperately but the water is violent and frozen around me. I scream, tilting my head above the water and letting the sound carry itself. I shout for Victoria, for Leo, even though I don’t know him, but they don’t come. My jacket is weighing me down and I attempt to pull it off but I can’t do it without sinking under, so I leave it and go back to trying to slide onto the ice. I manage to haul myself up half-way, my legs are still in the water and my whole body is numbingly cold.

  ‘Help!’ I yell. ‘Please, somebody, help me!’ I start to cry, my tears creating steam that rises off the ice. ‘Daddy,’ I mumble into my scarf. ‘I need you to help me.’ My muscles have stopped working and even though I am clawing at the ice, I don’t seem to be coming any further out. The water, happy to be free of its icy cover, splashes hungrily around me; it burns my eyes and spills into my mouth and I choke. ‘Please. Victoria, where are you!’

  I hear a loud bark, followed by three consecutive quick ones and I see a golden retriever standing at the edge of the pond, hunched on its front paws, barking out at me. I am closer than I thought to land and I reach my hand out. It cannot be alone, there must be someone with it. ‘Help.’ The water fills my mouth and the word gurgles. ‘Help me, please.’ I cough it out but that only lets more of it in. I am so tired and my body has finally frozen over. I miss him already, even though I am not yet gone, and Bubbie springs to my mind. So this is what it felt like.

  And just before my eyes close, I see a flash through the trees. Someone is sprinting down, sweeping in and out of branches, shouting, ‘Hold on, hold on,’ and I recognize the voice. When Joseph finally comes into view, I almost cry with relief. He sees me and grabs the dog, unpinning the leash from around his neck.

  ‘Frances, just stay calm, okay.’ His voice is as careful as his footsteps and he tries to step on the ice but it starts to break under him. He quickly returns to the edge of the river. He lies down on his stomach and slides a little closer to me.

  ‘Am I going to die?’ The breath freezes in my lungs before it comes out but I have to know.

  ‘You’re going to be fine.’ He sounds so sure and confident. ‘Look at me—try to keep your head above the water.’

  I try to nod.

  ‘Now, I’m going to throw you this leash and I want you to grab a hold of it and swim out.’ He makes it sound so simple and easy and a little of my anxiety starts to die away.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘You can do that, right?’

  I nod, finding the strength in my neck.

  ‘Good girl.’ He throws the leash at me. It’s a stark red and sturdy enough for the large dog it’s intended for. He keeps his hand wrapped around the other end, tied around his palm. I reach for it and miss. I try again, and still my frozen fingers won’t grab it. I start to cry.

  ‘I can’t do it.’

  ‘Yes, you can.’ He slides a little closer. ‘I can’t come there and get you because the ice will break. So I need you to grab onto the leash, okay? Don’t be scared.’

  I try again and this time I manage to hold onto it. ‘I’ve got it.’

  ‘Good.’ He starts to pull. ‘You need to swim now, Frances.’

  ‘I can’t.’ I’m sobbing and it’s making breathing more difficult. ‘I can’t feel my legs.’

  ‘I know it’s hard but just try. Kick your legs out. I’ve got you.’

  I start to kick, the ice separating and letting me through. I think of my father; of his body so close to mine, the solidness of his chest so wide and safe, and I keep kicking. ‘There you go, come on.’ Joseph sounds closer now and then he lets go of the leash and his hands are grabbing me under the arms and pulling me out, dragging me onto the snowy ground. His jacket is off and around me in an instant. ‘I’ve got you.’ And it’s his heat I feel and the rapid pacing of his heart that I
hear and nothing has ever felt so good. He falls back and I fall beside him. The dog is back and licking my face. ‘Stop it, Benson. Shoo.’ Joseph is leaning over me, pushing the dog away. ‘You’re safe, it’s okay. You’re safe with me, now.’

  ‌22

  ‌St Albert. September 1976

  He was heartbroken, lying in bed with a woman he never wanted to see again, craving one he knew he was making unhappy. Gina leaned her head against his chest, her arm wrapped around his upper body. It had been almost a month since she had found him sitting in the bar; when they had snuck into her cousin’s motel, his blood boiling with whiskey and need. Afterward, perhaps due to his guilt, or the drink, he had begun to talk about Marienne.

  ‘How could she say she never wants children and then just change her mind?’ He was talking more to himself but it felt good to have someone to direct his words to. ‘And even if she did, how can she expect me to just go along with it?’ He hardly noticed Gina’s hand in his—twisting, unfamiliar fingers. ‘We’re wasting our lives, our time, on something that will probably never happen.’

  She called him two days later at his office and although he didn’t care to see her again, he needed someone to listen to him. To say out loud to a witness everything that had been troubling him since the whole thing began. So he agreed to meet her on the weekend, and the weekend after that, always under the pretense of meeting a client or having a sudden load of work to finish. The third time they met, it was at a different motel, somewhere outside of St Albert. The red velvet décor had made him infinitely sorry he had said anything to her in the first place. But then she put her hand on his and asked if everything was alright and he felt a compulsion to say again what he had said to her that day in the bar.

  ‘I love her. I really do, but this obsession with having a child is taking over our lives. She barely speaks to me anymore.’ The way Gina had turned up her lips in understanding and nodded her head to these words had filled him with such gratitude because if she believed him, he would have to believe himself. He had leaned in to kiss her cheek but she turned her face at exactly the same moment so he met her mouth instead. The shock of it; to do something so indiscreet in public, where someone might see him and then realizing he was safe, had sent a momentary thrill ringing through his head, so when Gina had said the following weekend that she had taken the liberty of obtaining a key from the concierge and asked if he wanted to join her, he hadn’t hesitated to say yes.

  Marienne had stopped sleeping close to him; she found an old teddy bear he had given her a long time ago and began sleeping with that instead, wrapping her body around the silky material, pressing it firmly to her abdomen. If he tried to touch her, she would move further away until eventually he could stretch his entire arm out and feel nothing but empty space. He missed the comfort of another body close to him; the warm, solid heat only another human’s skin can give.

  Now, lying in another room smelling of too much use, two weeks later, he didn’t know how to say no to Gina anymore and even though he wasn’t attracted to her, and didn’t particularly like her, he missed the physicality of his and Marienne’s relationship, searching for it in Gina instead. She was an outlet, an escape, and he couldn’t make himself stop.

  ‘I wish we could do this more often,’ Gina said, arching her neck up to look at him.

  ‘I have a wife, Ginny.’ He slid out from under her as he said it, swinging his legs over the bed and pulling on his jeans.

  ‘Don’t remind me.’ Her scornful laugh made him want to turn around and slap her. ‘If only she wasn’t at home so much.’ Gina sat up behind him, leaving wet kisses across his shoulders and he tried not to move away.

  ‘Where else would she go?’ he asked, shrugging on his shirt. He checked his watch; still early enough to say he had been caught up at work.

  ‘It would be easier if she had a job,’ Gina mused. ‘Something to keep her occupied so I can have you all to myself.’

  She said this casually but the thought stuck with him as he pushed his feet into his shoes, using his index finger to stretch the heel so they slipped in easily. It might not be a bad idea for Marienne to have something else to concentrate on. He knew all about the power of distraction; its effectiveness. He wondered why he had never thought about it before.

  ‘That might be a good idea.’

  ‘I was joking, baby.’ The endearment turned sour in his ears. Gina took a sip of the cheap wine he had brought along with him. ‘She’s a housewife. What kind of job could she possibly get?’

  From his position on the bed, he could hear the sounds of the end-of-day traffic in the street below. The deep, loud drone of waiting cars relaxed him as did the far-off voices, a church bell somewhere. He could imagine the huge mass of bodies moving in between and around each other. All the noises rose and fell in a murmuring rhythm, creating a hole in his stomach that stretched and widened as he stayed sitting on the edge of the bed, listening to the traffic of humans, vehicles and voices, all of them headed in the same direction. All of them going home.

  ‘Maybe you could help her get a job at the hospital?’ Evening was falling into the room in playful shadows and he was grateful for it because it blurred the lines of her face, making it easier for him. He stood up and pulled on his jacket. ‘I mean, you are the head nurse. It wouldn’t be hard.’

  ‘Let me get this right,’ pulling at the lapels of his jacket, running her teeth against his lower lip. He half pulled away. ‘You want me to work with the woman whose husband I’ve been sleeping with?’ She was incredulous, laughing at him. He pressed his lips fully to hers. A part of him enjoyed these motel meetings because they allowed him to drive away the murkiness that weighed him down, that would have sat inside him and made him weaker. But he missed Marienne and was convinced that a job would be a good idea; that it might allow her to be happy once more.

  ‘What better way to make sure we don’t get caught?’ he said. After a moment, Gina smiled, pulling back to look at him. She ran her sharp fingernail against the dimple in his chin.

  ‘You’re a genius, baby.’

  They waited a few more days before Gina ran into them in the local supermarket. He had told her exactly what to say.

  ‘I don’t want Marienne becoming suspicious,’ he had said. ‘I don’t want her to start guessing at anything.’

  Gina laughed, seizing his chin and kissing him roughly. ‘I love it when you get all worked up,’ and then seeing the way he looked at her, she sighed. ‘Okay, okay. I’ll be careful.’

  They had planned it perfectly. Marienne followed an unchanging schedule when it came to doing the shopping. She liked going on the weekends, when everyone else seemed to disappear; had gone fishing or picnicking with their families. She enjoyed the time it gave them to spend together, uninterrupted by anyone else. He told Gina to meet them early on Sunday morning, ignoring the way she trailed her teeth down the flap of his earlobe, saying, ‘I can imagine a hundred other things I’d rather be doing with you on a Sunday morning.’

  Now, walking through the cold, gray aisles of the almost empty supermarket and seeing the anticipated flash of red hair around the corner, James looked down at his unsuspecting wife and felt guiltier than ever. He took Marienne’s hand and held onto her delicate wrist, massaging it between his fingers. She turned to him in surprise. It was an unexpected display of affection after so many days spent keeping a certain distance from each other, moving carefully and silently around the spacious house, each lost and lonely in their own worries. When her lips turned up slightly and she brought his hand up to kiss his knuckles, he pulled her toward him and hugged her tightly.

  ‘Well isn’t this a surprise.’ Gina’s voice was a rude shock and he looked up to see her coming toward them, walking quickly and empty-handed. He held onto Marienne, feeling a fast jerk of anger skip along his jaw. Marienne pulled away from him silently, leaving him off-balance.

  ‘Hello, Gina,’ Marienne said and she sounded loud, happy. ‘Funny running into you h
ere.’

  ‘I had to pick up a few things.’

  He wished those green eyes would look anywhere other than directly at him and he shifted under her hard gaze. Then she released him and turned back to his wife.

  ‘Did I interrupt you two lovebirds?’

  Marienne laughed, slipping her arm around James’s waist, fitting perfectly against him and, despite the situation, he had a sudden urge to lean down and whisper in her ear how much he adored her.

  ‘No, you didn’t. Not at all. It’s good to see you.’

  He finally lifted his eyes to Gina and she met his stare, bright with jealousy. She was waiting for him; for a gesture or an acknowledgment that they were in this together and when he stayed silent, she gave them a small wave, her bracelets dancing under the cheap, fluorescent lighting.

  ‘Well, I guess I’ll be going then,’ she started to move away. ‘I’ll see the two of you around.’ She was testing him, seeing how much she meant to him.

  James let go of Marienne, calling after her, trying to control the annoyance in his voice, concentrating on making it sound as ordinary as possible. ‘How’s work?’

  She stopped and spun around on the high-heel of her shoe. She tilted her head at him and her body shivered with inaudible, mean laughter. She was enjoying this; playing with him and his wife, carelessly toying with his marriage because she had already ruined her own, wanting to spoil everything he loved.

  ‘It’s good, thanks for asking.’ She came back toward them, walking with a deliberate, slight sway.

  ‘I hear it’s really busy over at the hospital.’ He was prodding her, guiding her into the words he had told her to say.

  ‘Is that right?’ She smiled at Marienne before twisting her gaze back toward him. ‘Who’d you hear that from?’

  ‘I can’t remember.’ He said the words slowly, so they wouldn’t shake with his irritation. ‘I just heard.’