In Between Dreams

by Iman Verjee

  ‘Started already, did we?’

  James opened his eyes, looked up at his neighbor and followed his line of sight to the almost empty bottle. He hadn’t realized how much he had drank. And he had forgotten that he had followed his wife’s advice and invited George home.

  ‘It’s been a long day.’ He smiled crookedly, trying not to stumble on his words but they felt heavy in his mouth.

  ‘First time alone with the kid?’ George sat down on the swing, pushed his shoes into the wooden boards of the porch, letting go and leaning back as the swing rocked them back and forth. The world spun past him at lightning speed and he wanted to tell George to stop it but couldn’t form the request quickly enough.

  ‘Yeah,’ he managed. ‘First time.’

  George took the bottle from him and he gave it up gratefully. ‘Then I completely understand.’ He sipped, slow and long, from the bottle. He scoffed. ‘Listen to me—the way I talk, you would think I didn’t love my children.’

  ‘Do you?’ He would never usually be that bold but the brandy was working, numbing him slowly.

  ‘Of course.’ George talked through the bottle. ‘Sometimes, it’s just too much, you know? I want to be sixteen again, smoking pot behind the school bleachers or making out with Kimmy Klein in my car.’

  ‘Kimmy Klein,’ James snorted. ‘What a name.’

  George laughed along with him, drained the last of the drink into his mouth. ‘What a girl.’ He paused, turned to James. ‘Sometimes, it gets too hard, caring about other people.’

  They sat in silence for a little while after that, the empty bottle somehow fell to the floor and rolled under the swing. He woke with a start when he felt George’s hand on his shoulder. ‘I think you should go to bed now.’ George’s large face looming over his. ‘Need some help getting in?’

  James stood, felt a sharp pain at the back of his head. He winced. ‘No, I’m okay. Sorry—I forgot you were supposed to come over. Can we do this another time?’

  ‘Of course.’ George slapped him across the back. ‘Good talking.’

  He was hardly aware of his feet taking him back into his house, shutting the door and hearing George’s footsteps retreat. He leaned against the door and gulped in some air. The room was spinning and he closed his eyes and let the world come up to meet him. He staggered further in, placing one foot in front of the other and finally, hauling himself up the stairs using the banister for support. He let his feelings guide him; it couldn’t be helped. Aggravated by the alcohol, they took over and blinded him. He was lost. They held him by the hand, secret accomplices under the muggy cover of night, and led him quietly to her bedroom.

  He had left the door slightly ajar and now he pushed it fully open. It was dark except for the luminous stars swirling on her ceiling, quietly vigilant over her sleeping body. The yellow lights from the rest of the street shone behind her curtains, slowly going off one by one as his neighbors turned their eyes away, rolled into their beds and left the two of them alone.

  He went to her bed, knelt down on the carpet. Her hair was still wet from her evening bath and her cheek felt overheated and tired.

  ‘You’re so warm,’ he whispered. ‘I’ll just take this off for you,’ pulling the blanket away, leaving just the sheet behind. ‘Ssh. Go to sleep, honey.’ And because she loved him and because she knew he would never do anything to harm her, she listened and soon he felt the steadiness of her breathing again.

  The brandy was building on his tongue, clenching his stomach and rising to his throat. He clung tightly onto her blanket. ‘I won’t hurt you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ leaning down to kiss her cheek but then he couldn’t stop and he traveled down to the palm of her hand, pressing his lips to the bone at the ankle of her feet, so perfect, how come everything about you is so beautiful? He picked her up and she stirred. Said something but he couldn’t hear her anymore.

  ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he pressed his face again to her cheek, nuzzled her hair, her neck, ‘you smell wonderful, my baby. My beautiful, baby girl,’ and pulled her down onto the floor with him.

  The next day, in the late afternoon, he took her to the park.

  ‘It’s always the most beautiful here at the beginning of summer,’ he told her. ‘The leaves are all new, the flowers are coming up,’ he said, breathing in the air. It smelled different; like how he had always imagined it would. ‘I just love it here.’ They sat down on a bench; he curled his hands under her armpits; felt the hotness of her beneath her red sweater, lifted her up and then slid her close to him. She put her head against him. He took the hot chocolate she held in her small hands. ‘Don’t drink all of it—it’ll make you sick.’

  ‘Sick like how you were yesterday?’ She turned her face up to look at him and he took his arm out from around her. He knew it was coming, but now she had asked it, he panicked and didn’t know what to say.

  He had woken up last night on the floor of her room; she was sitting beside him, pushing at his shoulder. She had been crying and he tried to calm her as he struggled to sit up. The alcohol had drained away, leaving him with a pounding headache, a dry mouth and a sense of something having been lifted off him only to be placed back with an extra load.

  ‘Ssh.’ He stroked her hair, guided her back to bed, pulled the blanket right up to her chin. He was glad for the darkness because he couldn’t bear to see her face. ‘I’m okay, it’s alright. Daddy is just feeling a little sick, that’s all. Go to sleep now,’ and he sat beside her until her eyes fell shut and she got lost in her dreams.

  He had sat up all night with something hot running in him; his body refused to keep still but it wasn’t the guilt. He hadn’t had these kinds of feelings ever; they were strong and all-encompassing, not something sad and watered down. They made the world take on a different light and for the first time, he saw how splendid everything in it was. It made him regretful for what he had missed out on for so long but also excited that he had discovered it. He hadn’t hurt her—had barely touched her and he convinced himself, before he fell asleep, that he had done nothing wrong.

  But now she stared up at him and he couldn’t face her. ‘No, not sick like daddy.’

  ‘But you’re okay now?’ she asked him.

  ‘Yes.’ He took a sip of the hot chocolate; it got stuck in his throat. ‘Everything is okay. Everything will be okay.’ There was something thick on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t want to say it, it made him sick to his stomach to say it, but he had to. ‘Let’s keep this a secret from mom and Bubbie, okay? Let’s keep it just between us.’ He tried to smile at her; tried to make it sound like a game they were playing. He felt like a monster.

  ‘Why?’ Her eyebrows crossed in confusion.

  ‘I don’t want mom to worry,’ he said, turning her shoulders and looking at her more urgently now. He realized how easy it might be for him to get caught. ‘It’s very important that you don’t tell her, Frances.’

  ‘Okay.’ She didn’t want to disappoint him but he knew she was only a young child, that she might let it slip. But he also knew that she was too young to understand what had happened yesterday, that she might say he had been sick, that he had acted strange, but no one would think twice. It terrified him more to think how easy it could be to get away with.

  He gave her the hot chocolate back and let her finish it.

  ‘I like this place,’ she said. ‘Can we come here every day?’

  He tilted his head down to press his cheek against the top of her head. ‘We can come here whenever you want.’

  That night, he lay beside her as she fell asleep, turned his face into the pillow and found it easier this time to hide his sounds. He lay there for what seemed like an eternity, hearing her tiny snores, falling in love with her again and again, before he heard the doorbell, went downstairs and let the real world come rushing back in.

  ‌34

  ‌Whitehorse, Yukon. January 1993

  After the phone call to my father, I go slowly back up to my room. I pass the full-
length mirror Judy and I share and I stop. I say my name, hushed at first and then louder, until it becomes something solid. I touch my shoulders and arms, trail my hands down my waist, leaning over to wrap my forefingers around my toes. The running length of my calves, the slight ankle bone where my legs meet my feet, the hair that tickles my knees, all come to life. They feel real and strong and for the first time, like they belong to me.

  ‘Miss me?’ The loud voice pulls me quickly to a standing position and Victoria bursts through the door, invading the quiet circle I have created for myself. Her skinny arms wrap around my neck. I haven’t thought about her in two weeks and now, standing so close to her, with her breath on my cheek, I feel strange and uncomfortable and want her to leave.

  The girls have slowly been filtering back into school since the beginning of January and the constant sound of cars pulling up, excited chattering and suitcases being hurled up the stairs, is too loud for me. I have got used to having the building mostly to myself and I find the noise and congestion irritating; it turns the building back into the cold, unwelcoming place I first came to. And with the starting of school tomorrow, rules have been reinstated and I’m no longer free to do what I want. Joseph took Nova and Alex to visit his sister and I haven’t seen them in almost a week and I wonder if they feel as empty as I do.

  ‘I had the best holiday ever!’ She pushes me into the corner of my bed and lies down beside me, folding her hands behind her head. She kicks up her legs, fussing with my blanket. ‘Aren’t you going to ask me what I did?’

  ‘What did you do?’ I ask it automatically, hoping it will satisfy her and she will leave soon.

  ‘Spent every minute of it with Leo.’ She hasn’t stopped smiling since she came into my room and now she tells me that he would pick her up every morning and they would spend the whole day together.

  ‘My parents didn’t like it but they couldn’t stop me.’ She waves her hand in the air proudly. She says he took her to museums, to different restaurants every night, describes how he would sneak her into the coolest clubs because he knew ‘practically everyone’ and how much time they spent in his car.

  ‘We couldn’t go to my house because of my parents and he lives in a basement with three other guys.’ She laughs at the memory. ‘It never got boring though,’ she tells me, flipping onto her side. ‘And everyone loves him.’

  ‘And he loves you.’

  ‘He told me he wants to marry me one day.’ She holds out her hand and shows me the ring he gave her; old and the underside has already turned brown with rust. ‘It’s a promise ring.’ She looks closely at me. ‘Don’t you like it?’

  ‘It’s pretty.’ I turn back to my books, hoping she’ll get the hint.

  ‘I have a favor to ask you,’ she says instead.

  ‘What’s that?’ I have lost interest in her; my mind is full of Joseph and his family and all that matters to me is when I will see them next.

  ‘He said he would come see me on Thursday.’

  ‘So what do you need me for?’

  ‘I’m going to sneak him in and I need you to help keep watch.’

  ‘Victoria,’ I shake my head. ‘If we get caught—’

  ‘Please.’ She grabs onto my arm. ‘He’ll only be here for twenty minutes, tops. They never check on us during free time anyway.’ She pouts. ‘Please, please, please,’ and bats her eyelashes, thinking that because it works on him, it will work on me. It does. I feel myself relenting, unable to say no.

  ‘Don’t we have hockey that day?’

  Once a week, in the afternoon, we play a sport and the class is held in the old gym near the pavilion.

  ‘Exactly.’ She nods. ‘I’ll say I’m not feeling well and I’ll come back here to meet him.’

  ‘What about Taylor?’ I ask, referring to her roommate.

  ‘You know how she is—she’s always in the library. But I would feel better if I knew you were watching out for me—you know, in case she decides to come back or if one of the teachers feels like doing a search.’ She takes my hand. ‘Nothing’s going to happen, but just in case…’

  ‘Fine.’ I say it so that she will leave and stop distracting me. ‘I need to do some homework now.’

  ‘Classes haven’t even started.’

  ‘I didn’t do so well last semester so I’m giving myself a head start.’

  She is too happy to think that anything else is wrong. ‘I have to go unpack anyway.’ She gets up. ‘See you tomorrow?’

  I nod and she closes the door, briefly letting in waves of sound before shutting out the noise from the corridor, leaving me to my daydreams.

  I am supposed to meet Victoria the next day after classes to ‘plan project L’ she giggled into my ear and she is waiting for me on the veranda, swinging her leg impatiently against the wall.

  ‘It’s about time!’ she says when she sees me. ‘Where were you?’

  ‘Sister Ann wanted to see me about something,’ I lie. After classes, I had gone out the back entrance of the building to look for Joseph but I hadn’t found him. Now, I drag my feet toward the bench and sit down beside her.

  ‘We only have a few minutes left before dinner,’ she says.

  ‘I can’t help that she wanted to talk to me,’ I snap.

  Victoria lapses into an angry stony silence. I scuff the heel of my shoe into the floor.

  ‘What’s with you these days?’ she asks me. ‘I come back and it’s like you don’t care about anything anymore. I thought we were friends.’

  ‘We are.’ I close my eyes and put my head back. She sounds so dejected; the warmth is gone from her voice and I don’t want to be the one to spoil her excitement. ‘It was hard being stuck here alone.’

  ‘I told you to come home with me.’

  ‘Frances.’

  The voice is warm and low and smashes into my heart. I turn fast, my breath racing and almost can’t believe it when I see him smiling down at me, hands in his pockets. Calm as always. I have to sit on my hands and cross my legs tightly to stop myself from running at him.

  ‘Hi.’ I’m smiling so wide my teeth hurt. I introduce him to Victoria and he greets her with that charming tilt of his head and she blushes, despite herself. It’s somehow comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels that way about him.

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ he says and then turns to me. ‘I’ve just spoken to Sister Margret—I’ve asked her if you can come home with me tonight for dinner.’

  The blood rushes to my head. It is wonderful to think that as I was looking for him, he was seeking me out purposefully, wanting to see me as much as I wanted to see them. ‘Did she say yes?’

  He laughs and nods. ‘Yes, she did. I’m heading over there right now—do you want to come with me? I didn’t realize you might be busy.’

  ‘No.’ I stand up quickly and then remember Victoria. ‘We can talk tomorrow.’

  ‘Sure.’ She looks confused and I know that when I get back, she will be waiting to ask me a hundred questions and I resent her presence here, soiling the moment.

  ‘Great.’ I turn to him—almost reach out my hand to hold his but I keep it tightly held behind my back. ‘Then I’ll come with you.’

  He says goodbye to Victoria and then puts an arm around my shoulders and leads me down to the car.

  ‘I’m glad you agreed,’ he says as we slip into the car and feel it jump to life beneath us. ‘Nova is making her famous vanilla cake and trust me, you don’t want to miss it.’

  And he twists the dials on the radio, turning the music up loud and we sing and laugh all the way home.

  They tell me the news after dinner. We sit down in the living room and Nova hands me the slice of vanilla cake with the most icing as if that will make it better. The three of them sit on the long couch, Alex in the middle, and I sit opposite them, in the recliner with my legs curled up beneath me and the sweet burst of flavor on my tongue.

  ‘This is amazing,’ I say.

  ‘I’m glad you like it.’ Her voi
ce is unusually soft and gentle. ‘We’re so happy you came today. We’ve missed you.’

  I want to say it back to them but the words are too precious and even if I do let them out, they will never understand what I’m really trying to say. ‘Everyone’s back at the Academy now.’ I make patterns in the icing with the small fork she has given me. ‘So we’re not really allowed to leave whenever we want anymore.’

  ‘You must be happy to have everyone back.’ She is talking for the three of them and when I look at Joseph, his eyes look a little sorry.

  ‘Yeah.’ I chew slowly, choosing my words carefully. ‘But it’s noisy and I miss my space already.’

  ‘You have good friends though here, don’t you?’ He is speaking now. ‘That girl, Victoria, she seems sweet.’

  I don’t want to talk about Victoria right now; I don’t want to talk about anything outside of this room, outside of us. ‘She’s nice. Why are you asking me all these questions?’ The way they are looking at me has started to make me uneasy.

  ‘We just want to make sure you’re happy,’ Nova says. ‘We care about you.’

  I put the bowl down; there is no room in my body for it anymore. Her words fill me and lift me up. ‘Thanks.’ They look at each other; she gives him a slight nod. I realize that tonight, even Alex seems subdued. ‘Is everything alright?’

  ‘Frances,’ Joseph sighs, sits up straight. ‘There’s something we have to tell you.’

  I prickle immediately even though I know I have done nothing wrong. Perhaps it’s an instinct from doing terrible things my whole life, from keeping such a closely guarded secret. I wonder if I will feel like this my whole life and I hope that I won’t. ‘What is it?’ I ask. But I am still too content, too comfortable, to make anything of the way his forehead crinkles into an upside down V, the way he rubs his palms on his pants.

  ‘Nova’s brother has decided to give up the idea of selling the farm.’ The words come out in a rush and at first I’m confused. And then I remember what she told me that day we made a cake together. How sad she had looked and I smile now.