Fusion

by Diana Kane

  “Alex, how have you been? We really haven’t really had a chance to talk.” Alex’s body language has been off lately. She just seems so dejected.

  “I’m hanging in there.”

  “You ok?” I don’t want to pry but I know she has been having personal issues. There is something about seeing this typically confident woman like this. I feel the urge to hug her but refrain.

  “Yeah, I’m alright.” Her body language betrays her, I know this is a lie.

  I really need to check in with the family, but am concerned about Alex. Something isn’t right. “Listen, it has been a long day. I need to get a quick bite to eat somewhere. You hungry?”

  “Sure, I could eat. I need about 15 minutes to wrap things up here though.”

  “Great! That will give me time to dictate and speak with the family. Meet you outside the locker room?”

  “Sure, if you don’t mind driving. Otherwise I need to head home to get my car.”

  “I can drive. Meet you in 15 minutes or so.”

  *****

  We settle into a little Mediterranean place Alex recommended. She orders the falafel meal, I opt for the chicken shawarma.

  “Alex what is going on?” I have been very concerned about her body language recently.

  “Oh, well Elena and I have officially called it quits.”

  “I am so sorry to hear that. Are you ok?”

  “Yeah. Just sad. It has really been over for the last six months or so. Now it is just official. We both agreed that it is probably for the best. Neither of us is going to change our minds about kids, and neither is willing to sacrifice our position on the matter for the other.”

  “That is tough. Right before the holidays as well. So what are you doing for Thanksgiving next week? Do you have family to visit?”

  “No, no family. I’m just going to relax. Probably watch some football, definitely going to the movies, looking for a place to live, maybe some shopping. I’m on call so nothing too crazy. What about you? Visiting family?”

  “No. My sister is in California. I am on call as well so I will be around. What movie are you planning on seeing?”

  “Carol with Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara.” Alex’s features shift from sadness to excitement. I can tell she is anxious to see this movie.

  “What is it about?” I enjoy movies but somehow I never seem to know what is coming out.

  “It is based on another of my favorite books, The Price of Salt. Blanchett plays the title character. Set in the 1950’s she is a married but separated woman who meets Mara’s character. It is about them falling in love and everything that comes with it.”

  “Wow, I did not peg you as someone who would be into the chick flick.”

  Alex laughs. It is a nice sound to hear, one that has been missing in the OR recently. “Don’t tell anyone my darkest secret.”

  “Well now, I am gathering quite the stock pile of those. Promise your secrets are safe with me.”

  “Thanks,” she says half sarcastically, flashing me a lopsided grin.

  “Any interest in some company?” A look of genuine shock registers on Alex’s face.

  “Ok. I’ll check the showtimes and text them to you.”

  “Great. What are you doing for food before hand? Want to find some place to eat?” I feel like I’m inserting myself into her plans, but she seems fine with it.

  “Sure, we could do that.”

  “Alexis is that you?”

  Alex and I turn towards the voice. “Hey Nina, how are you?” Alex stands to greet the stranger as she approaches us. They hug and Alex slides back into our booth.

  “Great, just picking up dinner for Tasha and I before I head home.”

  “Nina this is my friend Catherine, Catherine this is Nina.” Nina’s eyes shift back and forth between Alex and I.

  We shake hands and exchange pleasantries. Alex and Nina chat for another minute or two before Nina’s take out order is ready. She takes her leave, allowing Alex to resume eating.

  “Sorry about that.”

  “No need to apologize. How do you know her?”

  “Met her through friends many years ago. We played softball together a few summers. I haven’t seen her in a while though.” Alex is very nonchalant about the whole thing. It is clear they have never been an item.

  “Ah. Does she think we are here together?” I don’t know why I am nervous about this but I am. Perhaps it is because of Nina’s obvious analysis of what she interrupted.

  “Uh, we are here together. Do I think she believes this is a date? No, not likely. I doubt she knows that Elena and I have separated.” Alex eyes me for a moment, forgetting her meal. “Are you ok?”

  I realize that I have said something wrong. Alex’s tone betrays her irritation. She has stopped eating while she waits for my answer. “Yes, I am fine. I didn’t mean anything by it. Just curious what people you know will think if they see us together.” Alex is not pacified.

  “Does it really matter what people you have never met think? If you are uncomfortable we don’t have to do anything outside of work.”

  Oh my, I have kicked a hornets nest. “Alex, I am truly sorry. I did not realize that I was asking the wrong question.”

  “I can’t spend time with you outside of work if I have to be worried that you are uncomfortable. I introduced you to Nina as my friend, not my girlfriend, partner or date. I don’t understand why you would automatically assume that people would think we are together unless that idea bothers you.” Alex is fuming.

  “You are right, again I apologize. I am fine being seen with you outside of work. There really is not an issue on my end.”

  Alex sits quietly for a minute. “Ok, if you’re sure. For the record, I automatically assume that the majority of women I meet are straight. I am guessing most people do the same.”

  I feel terrible. I really did not mean any harm but have clearly upset Alex. A third apology seems too much though. “You are right. I am guessing most people assume that a person is straight when they first meet. Can we move on?”

  “Sure.”

  The silence between us becomes too much to bear, making me nervous. I ask the question I have wondered about before, but never bothered with. “Why do some people call you Alex and others Alexis?”

  “Not sure. Personal preference on their part probably. Maybe it was how they were introduced to me. I never really paid attention.”

  “Which do you prefer? When we first met you introduced yourself as Alexis.”

  “Either is fine.” Her tone is still clipped, I know she is still irritated.

  We finish our meals in relative silence. I have clearly upset Alex on a level she isn’t ready to easily move past. I drop her off at her house hoping that I have not alienated the first potential friend I have here.

  Alexis

  It has been two days since the dinner with Catherine. I arrive at work hoping I won’t be scrubbing her room. I am not ready to see her yet. Despite Catherine telling me she is more than comfortable being around me, her actions and questions have given me a different impression. Now I will be avoiding drama at work. I despise drama anywhere, much less at work.

  I check in at the desk and learn that I will indeed be scrubbing in Catherine’s room. Determined to just get through the day I head to our OR and start preparing for our first case. Erin arrives a few minutes later. I am pleasantly surprised as she was not originally scheduled to scrub with me. “Hey. What’s up?”

  “Nothing. I just felt like scrubbing with you today since we haven’t had the chance to lately. So I traded assignments.”

  “Really? That is great! We’re gonna have a great day!” I get along with all of my teammates but scrubbing with Erin always makes the day better.

  Erin and I proceeded to chat while I scrub in and start setting up the case. I am just finishing up draping the microscope when I hear the door swing open. I turn to see Catherine walking in, talking on her phone. I speed up a little bit hoping I can finish and b
reak before she ends her call. I am not that lucky.

  “Good morning Alex, Erin. How are you this morning?”

  “Morning,” I quip, breaking scrub and exiting the room as quickly as possible. Erin emerges a few seconds later.

  “Well it certainly got cold in there all of a sudden.” One of the things I love about Erin is our ability to be completely sarcastic with one another about everything. We are both so laid back that we actually enjoy the banter and trying to one up the other.

  “Did it?” Playing dumb with Erin never works. She knows me too well.

  “Yeah, what the hell was that?”

  “Nothing. All good.”

  “Oh no, I let that go before. What is it? I thought you two were getting along well from what I’ve heard.”

  “Yeah, things are fine. She just has given me the impression that she might not be that ok with the whole gay thing.”

  “How did that even come up?”

  As I prepare to answer I feel my phone vibrating. I pull it from my pocket to check what it is and tell Erin not to worry about it. I walk away as I check the text message from Catherine: I just want to tell you again that I am sorry. I keep giving you the wrong impression. I hope we are still on for next week, I’m looking forward to it. I audibly exhale, jamming my phone back into my pocket. I will respond later. I’ve learned that I can be quite a bitch when I answer messages from people I’m a bit pissed at.

  “Everything alright?” It isn’t even 8 am and I am already tired of being asked that question. I turn to greet Abby, trying to get my surging anger under control.

  “Morning love. How are you?”

  “Doing great. You?” Always so bubbly. I love her, but sometimes the positivity is too much.

  “Fine, I’m fine. I haven’t seen you in a minute. Anything new?”

  “Oh, you know. Still working on the neighbor. Other than that nothing I can think of.”

  “Well keep me posted. Usual Friday?”

  “Of course. Wouldn’t miss it.” She smiles at me but I know she has picked up on my sour mood.

  “Great. Well I’m going to grab a bite before our case starts. Talk to you later.” I don’t want to bring Abby down and I know that I’m in a bad mood. Best to move on.

  “Have a good day,” Abby answers as she heads toward her room for the day.

  *****

  Our first case is difficult. Fusion revisions come with their own host of issues and this was no exception. A great deal of scar tissue coupled with difficulty getting the old hardware out delays us well into the lunch hour. We are finally closing when Tara arrives to give us break. I am all too happy to drop out and head to lunch. I need to be alone for a few minutes, to regain control of my emotions.

  I am sitting at the table in my quiet spot when I hear the elevator chime its arrival. I instinctively know who it is. I didn’t bother looking back to confirm, the scent of vanilla does the work for me.

  “I sent you a text this morning.” Catherine’s voice is barely an audible whisper.

  “Yeah I got it.” So much for correcting my mood.

  “Look. I’m sorry to intrude on your lunch. I just feel awful. You’re the closest thing to a friend I’ve made here. I hate that I have messed that up because I am incapable of communicating clearly.” I can see the remorse on Catherine’s face.

  “This isn’t something I can do. I’m happy to be friends with you, but I can’t do that if I have to worry in the back of my head that you are uncomfortable around me, or worried that someone will think you are a lesbian because they see you with me. I am too old to deal with that shit anymore.”

  “All I can do at this point is tell you this: my sister is a lesbian, I have several friends who are lesbians. I am fine with it. It does not bother me.” Then why all the ridiculous, predictable questions?

  I audibly exhale, the fight going out of me. I cannot stand arguments. Maybe it has to do with the daily barrage I witnessed between my parents. Maybe I’m just not wired to enjoy them the way that some people do. It takes too much energy. I would rather just move on. “Ok. However I am going to call you on anything like this in the future. Just want you to know that.”

  Catherine smiles. “Good, I hope you do. Now will you tell me how you are doing? I have been worried about you.”

  “I’m doing alright, I think it is more nostalgia than anything else at this point. Still looking for a place. Elena isn’t kicking me out, but I know we will both be better off the sooner I find a place.”

  “If you need someplace to stay you are welcome to stay at mine.” Catherine’s offer comes out of left field. I have no idea how to respond.

  “Uh thanks, but I’m pretty sure that is not a great idea. We work together. We hardly know each other. We don’t need to be stepping on each other under your roof as well.” I don’t bother to mention my attraction to her, only one of us is likely to be bothered by that.

  Catherine grins. “That last bit would not be a problem. The basement of my house is essentially a small apartment. It has a large bedroom, a decent sized bathroom and an area that serves as a combo living room and den. We would only have to share the kitchen. I know we do not know each other that well and that we work together, but if it would help alleviate some stress on your end you are welcome to utilize the space. Besides I know that you like football, chick flicks, and peace and quiet.”

  “You are never going to let me live that chick flick thing down are you?”

  “Not if I can help it.” Catherine grins. “Just stop by and look at the space. No pressure, just a friendly offer. Stop out tonight if you’d like.”

  I know this is a bad idea. “I have Friday night dinner with Abby tonight. I could come out tomorrow if you will be around.”

  “I can be around. I will text you my address. Just text me when you are on your way.”

  *****

  “Well this certainly is a role reversal.” Abby is practically gloating. “Let me tell you I do not think moving into the doctor’s basement is a good idea.” Abby has always been able to read my mind.

  “I know. I had that very thought. It would get me out of Elena’s house until I find my own place though.”

  “So you are considering it?”

  “I haven’t seen the place. I am supposed to go look at it tomorrow. I feel like I would be under less stress if I got out of Elena’s sooner. From the sounds of it I would have plenty of privacy.”

  “Why don’t you just stay at mine? We can figure out space for you and you stuff.”

  “Thank you, but no. You have one bathroom for yourself and your teenage daughter. You need more room for the two of you. You certainly don’t have room for a third. Things will work out. No need to worry.”

  “I will worry.” Abby pauses. I know she is debating between continuing to speak or giving up. “Alex you like a firm boundary between work and your private life. You’ve admitted before that you are attracted to her. Just be careful.”

  “I will. I’m sure I will eventually learn something about her that will eliminate those feelings anyway.” I know myself well. I have frequently found myself attracted to women in the past only to basically find what I think of as the deal breaker, the quirk or personality trait that would make them undatable in my book. “Now tell me about the neighbor. How is that?”

  “Well he told me that he is seeing a woman, but it isn’t serious. However her car is at his place every weekend.”

  “Sounds like it is somewhat serious. Abby if he lost his wife last year he probably isn’t ready for serious. If you just want to sleep with him and he agrees then by all means go for it. If you are looking for something more permanent then be careful. At least wait until her car hasn’t been in his driveway for three months.”

  “You’re right, I know. I’m going to try to be careful.”

  “Well, take care of you. You need to remember that.”

  “You too. I still think you should consider staying at my house.” Abby would pack every ho
meless person in the county into her house if she could sort the logistics of it. She has enough on her plate though and I need some space. In a way moving into her place is likely just as bad of an idea as moving into Catherine’s.

  *****

  I arrive at Catherine’s around 9 am. The house is located behind a dense tree line. If it were not early winter I would have missed it behind the now missing foliage. I am not prepared for how large the house is. It is a sprawling Cape Cod style home. The grey-blue siding feels inviting to me, as if it oozes warmth. I am fairly certain that the three stall garage might be larger than Elena’s house.