Fusion

by Diana Kane

  “Like I said, we will be fine.”

  *****

  We are in the middle of dinner when I realize that Catherine is not being her normal, inquisitive self. She sits quietly, picking at her food, avoiding eye contact with me. “Everything alright?”

  “Yes everything is fine. Why do you ask?” The fact that she can barely look at me when she says that things are fine tells me she isn’t being honest.

  “You’re just being abnormally quiet over there.” I don’t want to pry so I leave her the open door.

  “Well…I am just a little bit nervous”

  “Nervous? About what? Big case next week?”

  “Oh no, nothing like that. It’s just that, well I am nervous about there being sex in this movie.” I nearly laugh out loud. Between Catherine’s hesitancy to tell me and then her unloading what seems like a ridiculous reason, I struggle to not unleash the laughter I feel bubbling inside.

  “I’m confused. Why are you nervous?” I’m not one to minimize a person’s feelings, but this just seems absurd to me.

  “Well I am not sure. I just feel nervous.” Again she tries to avoid eye contact. Now I’m certain this has to do with it being a love story between two women, meaning we are right back to the gay thing again. I try to stay calm.

  “Ok. I’m assuming you’ve seen movies with heterosexuals having sex before right?”

  “Yes of course.”

  “Did that make you nervous?”

  “No.”

  “Then why would this make you nervous? It isn’t like you will be the only straight person at the show. I’m very confused why you are nervous about this, but if it calms you down I’ve seen the one sex scene in it’s entirety already. It is brief and not much more than a make out scene with breasts.”

  “Oh. Ok then. You are right, nothing to be nervous about.” She says it is ok but I can tell that she is still ill at east about it.

  “I can go see this on my own. I was going to anyway remember?” I offer Catherine an out. I’ve been looking forward to this movie since it was announced. I want to be able to enjoy it and not worry about Catherine’s emotional state.

  “No, I want to go.”

  “Are you sure? I will be fine if you don’t feel comfortable going.”

  “I am sure. All good.” I’m not sure if she has convinced either of us, but she isn’t budging. “Did you get settled in alright? Do you need anything?”

  I am not convinced that Catherine going to the movie is the best idea, but I have given her an out multiple times. She seems determined to change the subject so I let it go. “Yeah all settled. You saw that I didn’t have too much anyway. I’m a pretty simple creature. I think I have everything that I need. Thanks again for all of your help.”

  “You’re welcome. If there is something you need please let me know.”

  The pause in conversation allows me to realize we have forgotten to discuss something we should have figured out already. “Catherine, what exactly are we letting people at work know?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well that place is like a soap opera. If they know that I’ve moved into your house then that little piece of actual knowledge will spiral into some torrid affair between us. If we don’t disclose that information and someone finds out, we will have been having a secret affair. It is a no win really.”

  “Oh. Well I already told the partners that you were moving into the basement apartment in my house. After everything they went through with the old partner I figured it was best if I was upfront with them about it. As for your coworkers you can let them talk. Idle chatter does not phase me one bit.”

  “Except that I think it would bother you if they all thought you were a lesbian.”

  “Well I am not trying to date anyone at work. I made that mistake before and it turned out horribly. People can think what they want, I won’t lose sleep over it.”

  I’m not buying it. Her words contradict her past behavior when she met Nina. I decide it isn’t worth it and let it go. “Fair enough. Well think about it. I’m not suggesting we put up a flyer or announce it at a meeting, I just don’t want to have to lie to anyone when they ask me where I am staying.”

  “Just tell them that you are renting a friend’s basement.”

  “I suppose I could. Everything eventually comes out though.”

  “We can worry about that if it happens.”

  “Fair enough.” I don’t like it. I’ve always preferred a preventative maintenance approach to things. This is more of a patch up the holes as they appear stance. I feel confident that it will bite us on our asses sooner or later.

  Catherine

  “Two for Carol, a large popcorn and two large drinks please. You ok with sharing a popcorn?”

  “I can get my own ticket and snacks.”

  “Don’t be silly, I’ve got it.”

  “Catherine you just insisted on paying for dinner. I should be paying for this.”

  “Let me, I can afford it.” I know as soon as the words slip past my lips they were the wrong thing to say. Alex’s pupils flare and her jaw clinches.

  “Catherine I am not a charity case. I can more than afford to buy myself dinner, popcorn and a movie ticket.” I can tell she is struggling to keep her voice down.

  “I’m sorry. I did not mean any offense by it. I don’t see you as a charity case. I just meant that I have a lot more disposable income, it isn’t a big deal.” I really need to just shut up.

  “That doesn’t make it sound any better. Don’t throw your wealth in my face. If I couldn’t afford to do this, I wouldn’t be doing it. I make more than enough to take care of myself.”

  “Alright. How about you pay next time then? Would that be ok?” At this point I am looking for anyway I can to calm Alex down. People are starting to look at us. All I wanted was to do something nice for Alex on a day I know has been difficult for her.

  “Sure. I can live with that.”

  “I don’t understand. Why won’t you just let me take care of you?”

  “I’m not your child. I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 14. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Nor is this a date. You paying for everything makes it feel like a date.”

  I admire her fierceness, the way she is never afraid to speak her mind if something bothers her. It is a refreshing change from what I am used to. “Alex, I know you are not my child. I did not mean to imply that. I simply meant that I get enjoyment out of treating people. You are right, this is not a date. I am sorry if I made this uncomfortable, to be honest it did not cross my mind that it would make it seem like it was. I really just wanted to do something nice for you.”

  “Fine. As long as we are clear. Next time I am paying though. Trust me I won’t forget.”

  There is no doubt in my mind that she will not forget.

  *****

  “That was actually really beautiful.”

  “So you enjoyed it?”

  “Yes. I know I was nervous before, but that was a great movie. Blanchett and Mara have great chemistry, the story was beautiful and tragic. I would have preferred a different ending, but it was a great story.”

  “Not feeling lickalotapuss fever coming on then?”

  It takes me a second before I realize what Alex said and another to calm my laughter enough to respond. “I see what you did there. No, I think I am still me.”

  “Well that is a relief,” Alex says through a grin. The light has returned to her eyes as well.

  “Wait a second, what is that supposed to mean? Don’t want me playing for your team?” Alex’s smile falters and her face flushes.

  “I’m sure we would be lucky to have you. You were the one who was nervous though.”

  “You aren’t likely to let me live that down are you?”

  “Nope.” Alex smiles, a genuine, having fun smile. It might be the first one today.

  “Good. I would be disappointed if you did.” I have a question I want to ask. It feels like playing w
ith fire though. “Have you never been with a man?” I’m relieved when Alex stays relaxed.

  “No. Never. I had my first crush in the second grade, on our teacher’s assistant, a woman. Never been interested in men.”

  “How do you know though if you’ve never been with one?” The humor that had returned to Alex’s eyes is gone in an instant. Will I ever be able to have a conversation with her without putting my foot in my mouth?

  “How do you know you aren’t into women if you have never been with one?” Alex asks it with an irritated tone. I know I’m tottering on the edge of angering her.

  “Touché.” She has a point, at least one that I don’t have a counter argument for. “Want to do some Black Friday shopping since we are here?” I know that the stores will be crowded. I am not sure if Alex will be up for it, but I could use a few things.

  “Sure we can go see what we can find.”

  “You’ll be alright in the crowds?”

  “Yeah I should be fine. If not I can just step outside of the store and wait for you. No big deal.”

  “Great. Can we head into Victoria’s Secret first?”

  *****

  I am contemplating buying a lacy black matching bra and panties set. It is cute and cheap and even though I have no idea who I will wear it for or when, I still want it. “Alex what do you think about this?” The store is packed. Alex is starting to get a little squirmy. I am trying to distract her, help calm her down. Plus I could use some advice. I’ve never been able to picture myself in anything.

  “Uh…”

  “No good?” I feel slightly disappointed, I was certain it was a good choice.

  “I’m sure it would be fine.” I see her swallow hard. She is trying to look at anything but me, her eyes darting around the store.

  “Well that was not enthusiastic. Is this one better?” Alex is wearing the strangest look on her face. “What is it?”

  “I cannot do this with you!”

  “Do what?” I have no clue what is happening.

  “This.” Alex makes a hand gesture that encompasses the entire store. I have no idea what she is referring to. “I can’t have you showing me your new lingerie options. I have a very vivid imagination. Every time you show me something new I get a clear picture of you wearing it in my head.”

  “No big deal,” I say with a shrug. “Which one then?” I still do not understand what the issue is.

  “Both. Neither. I’m just going to wait for you outside.”

  She is headed for the door before she even finishes speaking. I couldn’t have stopped her if I tried. I have no choice but to follow her out. “Alex are you alright?”

  “Yeah. Go ahead and finish shopping in there. I can wait for you here.”

  “What just happened though?”

  “Nothing really, just finish your shopping.” Alex is oozing frustration and agitation and I have no idea why.

  “Come on. I know something just happened.” I don’t understand what the issue is, I just know that Alex is extremely uncomfortable.

  “I told you. I see you wearing every little thing you asked me about in my mind’s eye.”

  “It isn’t a big deal Alex.” Nudity had never been a big taboo for me. Working in the the OR you see people fully naked every day. One becomes a bit desensitized to it.

  “Catherine, I know you know you are an attractive woman. I have basically been single and have gone without sex for months. I really don’t need the image of you wearing any of those items in my head right now.”

  Alex’s revelation does not bother me. She is right. I have been told more than few times about my appearance. It hasn’t ever been a big deal to me. I never really put much effort into it, I just have what I have. It never crossed my mind for a second what I could be doing to Alex. “Ah I see. Well still no big deal for me but if it made you uncomfortable I am sorry.”

  “It’s alright. You couldn’t have known. It was just becoming awkward for me.” I realize then what I’ve done.

  “No problem. You have anywhere you want to go?”

  “I can go to the bookstore if you want to continue shopping here. You can just meet me there when you are finished.”

  “Sure, that sounds good.” I really do need to pick up a few new pairs of panties and giving Alex a few minutes to herself might be a good idea.

  Alexis

  I won’t be getting those images out of my head anytime soon. Catherine in those lacy black panties. No. I can’t continue seeing it. Yet I can’t stop seeing it either. To not care that her lesbian, tenant, coworker is picturing it and it is clearly appealing to her…what is she thinking? I shake my head trying to clear the images and get ahold of myself. The cold November air not having the effect I hoped it would.

  Books. I need to find a book. Books can be unsexy. I decide the best place to start is the history section. Surely I can find something about the Tudors, Medici family, or some other dynasty that will get the job done. Try as I might, nothing is working. I look around for another section and see the graphic novels and manga area. I head there next. I am thumbing through a new Wonder Woman omnibus when Catherine finds me, her perfumed scent announcing her arrival before she speaks.

  “I never took you for a nerd.” She is wearing that grin, the same one she wore when we first met, full of self assurance, oozing cockiness.

  “Well I have never been in the closet about being a total nerd. I grew up reading Batman, Wonder Woman and their DC counter parts. Never stopped enjoying them. Good escapism.”

  “I see. I have not read anything related in years.”

  “You read comics?” Catherine is always so serious that I find this revelation surprising.

  “Years ago when I was a child, into my early teens. I used to love Wonder Woman. Also enjoyed Batman. I am sure things are quite different now though.”

  “Probably not. There are a lot of alternate universe stories, or stories that have been rebooted by different authors. Of course they have added characters and diversified over the years as well.”

  “And you have kept up with all of it?”

  “No. I would have never had the time to. I do enjoy looking over them when I’m at the store though. Do you need to get anything here or do you want to move on?”

  “I do need a new book or two to read. I think I will keep looking around if you are good.”

  “Me? I’m always good in the bookstore. I could stay here all night and be content.” Catherine gives me that look. The look I haven’t learned to interpret yet, maybe I never will. “What?”

  “Hmm? I’m going to head over to the fiction section. If you decide you are ready just let me know.”

  “Ok.” Damn that woman. Why does she always evade answering when you question her? I decide to head over to the sci-fi and fantasy section. I have always had a penchant for the fantasy genre. Maybe something new will catch my eye.

  Twenty minutes have passed. I still haven’t found anything that looks appealing. I give up, deciding I will check my own library and my Kindle for something. I find Catherine in the mystery and suspense section. “Any luck?”

  “A few. I doubt they will take me long to read though. You find anything?”

  “Nope, but I have stuff at the house and on my Kindle. I have plenty to read. Ready to move on or do you need more time?”

  “We can move on if you are ready.” We head to the front of the store so Catherine can purchase her books. “Isn’t that the book you were reading that night on the beach?”

  How does she remember these things? I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday but she can remember the name of the book I mentioned reading more than six months ago? “I think it is. I’m not sure how you remember that because I don’t.”

  “Maybe I should get that too.” Catherine picks up the copy of Fingersmith and starts to read the description.

  “You can borrow my copy if you’d like, but if you were nervous about making it through Carol you won’t make it through Fingersm
ith.”

  “Why is it that graphic?” Catherine eyes me, she looks almost as if she thinks I’m challenging her to read it.

  “Probably not. It is a bit more in-depth than the scene in Carol. Just borrow my copy if you think you want to give it a go.”

  “Ok, I will borrow yours then.” Catherine yawns and stretches her lissome body. “It is getting late. You ready to call it a night?”

  I hadn’t realized that it is approaching midnight. The stores being open have thrown my sense of time off. “Sounds good.”