by Diana Kane
“Never said what? That I find you attractive? Catherine, Ray Charles would find you irresistible. Besides what difference would it have made? Would you not have let me move in had you known?”
Catherine regains her composure, her expression once again betraying nothing. “Don’t be silly, of course I would have offered you the apartment. I like having you at the house. Come on, we need drinks.”
Forgotten, just like that. Catherine hauls me towards the bar, where we greet Kevin. I give Kevin a hug and his gift while Catherine prepares drinks for us. I’m still chatting with Kevin when Catherine returns to my side and offers me one of the cocktails. I take the first drink and almost cough it back up. Catherine isn’t holding back on the booze tonight. In fact, I find myself wondering if she put anything but whiskey in my cup.
Catherine maintains my drink throughout the night. Each time I am certain there is nothing but alcohol in it. Even if she is speaking with someone in a different part of the house, she still has some radar that goes off if my drink starts to get low. Sometime around 11 I’m starting to feel the effects of having not had much to eat and the alcohol Catherine has been filling me with. I drop out of the game of Cards Against Humanity and grab a plate of food. Catherine must be keeping pace with me as she is already sitting on the couch eating. Nikki, Taylor, Abby and Dave are with her.
“Alex come sit with me.” She slides over so there is just enough space between herself and the arm of the couch. I have no choice, so I join her.
We find ourselves sitting there for some time, chatting with everyone. I’m content because one of the bowl games is on TV and my drink is full. Catherine and I are chatting away when Catherine makes a joke. I’m not sure if it would have been as funny under normal circumstances or if anyone other than Catherine had made it, but because it was Catherine making the joke I lose it. I’m laughing uncontrollably. When I catch my breath I make another joke, starting the snowball. Before long we are both laughing uncontrollably. I realize that Catherine and I are leaning on each other, our foreheads keeping us upright. I can feel her soft breaths tickle my lips. I open my eyes to see Catherine is no longer laughing. Instead she is very aware and very still, staring at me, like a deer caught in headlights. The realization hits me then, I’ve nearly kissed Catherine. I can also feel the eyes of Abby, Dave, Nikki and Taylor boring into us. I panic. Without a word I break the contact between Catherine and I and leave the room as quickly as possible. I need to be alone, but in a house full of people there is nowhere to go. I opt to break the rules and lock myself in the master suite off of Kevin and Shannon’s bedroom. I call for a cab from the bathroom and wait there for it to arrive. I escape the party by claiming I’m going outside for some air. As I close the door to the cab I see Abby exit the house. My phone goes off after the cab pulls away, a text from Abby asking if I’m ok. I know that things are well and truly messed up now, but simply reply that I needed to get out of there and tell her to go back and enjoy the party.
Catherine
What just happened? Alex and I were just sitting here joking around, having a good time. The next thing I know our foreheads are together and I’m starting at her. I realize I want to kiss her. It terrifies me. It has to be the alcohol. I can’t want to kiss Alex, can I? Shit, Alex has opened her eyes, a beautiful shade of green one seldom sees. She isn’t laughing anymore. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, I’m frozen in a state of panic, fear and confusion. Alex runs. She doesn’t run, she fleas. I’ve crossed a boundary, I’m not even sure how it happened. I want to find Alex but I’m glued to my seat. Confusion and conflicting emotions have taken over my body, rendering me inert. Taylor sits in Alex’s now vacated spot and tries to talk to me but I can’t speak. I’m absorbed by the thoughts swirling in my head. I’m aware that Alex hasn't returned and Abby has left to find her. It should be me searching for Alex but I can’t. Abby comes back alone, Alex has left without a word.
Panic sets in. I need to talk to Alex. I excuse myself and search for a quiet spot to call her. She doesn’t answer. Instead I call for a taxi, planning to go home and talk to her there. I grab my coat and head outside to wait for the cab. I try calling Alex again but am sent to her voice mail. I realize I feel a need to talk to her but have no idea what I plan to say. What can I say with so much confusion still swirling in my own head?
I arrive home at half past midnight. All the lights are off, just as we left them. I head to the basement. No lights or sound. Alex’s bedroom door is open. She isn’t here. I check the rest of the house but cannot find her. I try calling her again, still no answer. I text her asking her to come home, that I want to talk to her. I wait but she doesn’t respond. I have no idea where she would go.
I decide to wait for Alex downstairs. I exchange Fingersmith for a new book from her collection, Tipping the Velvet. It is written by Sarah Waters as well, and since I enjoyed Fingersmith so much I figure I’ll like this one too. I sit on the couch and try to read but my focus isn’t there. I have no explanation for what happened or how I felt. Does it matter that I wanted to kiss Alex when she ran away so easily? Why did I want to kiss Alex? What has changed? I have never felt that way about a woman before. Was it just a combination of alcohol and loneliness? Have I even been feeling lonely?
I distract myself for a short while by reading, but the questions continue to plague me, eventually tearing my attention from the book again and again. It is after two, where is Alex? Resolved to wait for her I continue the pattern.
I wake up after four. I am initially confused about where I am, then remember I was waiting for Alex. The light is off and I’ve been covered with a pair of blankets. I go to Alex’s door. It is closed, no light showing beneath it. I can’t recall if I shut it or left it open. I need to know if she is here, if she is safe. I slowly open the door and reveal her silhouette. I stare for a moment waiting to see if I feel anything. All I feel is confused. I quietly shut the door and head upstairs to my own room.
Alexis
I come home to find Catherine asleep on the downstairs couch, the light on, and Tipping the Velvet open on her lap. Why is she down here? I don’t want to wake her so I grab a few blankets from my closet and cover her up. I shut off the lights and prepare for bed as quietly as possible. I can’t sleep. Shortly after four I hear the door quietly scraping across the carpet. I know it is Catherine. I still haven’t worked out what to say, how to explain how I nearly kissed her, so I hold perfectly still, my will to avoid talking to her taking priority over any modesty I feel about being exposed from the waist up. She lingers in the doorway and I feel my heartbeat increase. After what feels like an hour she closes the door and I hear her retreating up the stairs. I finally drift off sometime after five, no closer to any resolution or explanation about what has happened.
I’m awake before eight. I pull on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and head out to the couch. Catherine has folded the blankets I left with her so I take care of them. I put on an episode of Game of Thrones, I’ve seen them all several times at this point. It is more for background noise and intermittent distraction than anything. If Catherine isn’t awake already I know she will be soon. I need to figure out what I’m going to say, or if anything I can offer as explanation will change anything. I have only reached one conclusion by the time I hear Catherine in the kitchen, it is time I find a place of my own.
It isn’t long before Catherine is descending the stairs. She makes her way over to the sofa and sits on the end opposite mine. We sit there in silence. She seems to be waiting for me to talk, to explain what happened last night. I have no explanation, no idea how it happened. All I know is that it surely is my fault. The silence stretches on, time has to have stopped at this point. Finally Catherine breaks the silence.
“You disappeared last night.” She still hasn’t looked at me. She seems so despondent.
“Yeah, I needed some space and quiet, time to think.” She still won’t look at me. I keep waiting for it, for her to tell me I should fin
d a new place to live.
“You didn’t even say anything, you just left. Where did you go?” I still can’t read her, my own emotions are clouding my perception.
“To my quiet spot. I just went and sat there for a few hours.” It takes Catherine a minute but she finally speaks again.
“At work?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t think of any other place to go. I knew it would be deserted. I needed to think.”
“You could have come back here.” She is so calm, even seems a little sad.
“No I couldn’t. I needed to be alone, you were waiting for me when I got here.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have been down here but I wanted to talk to you.”
“It is your house, go where you please. It didn’t upset me.”
“It may be my house but this is your space, I should have respected that.” We are clearly tiptoeing around the issue. It was my fault, I should just tear off the band-aid and get it out there.
“Look, things are awkward. I don’t even know what happened or almost happened last night. One minute we were laughing and joking around, the next…well you know. I do want you to know that I didn’t plan it, but that I accept it as being entirely my fault. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. It won’t happen again.” Catherine sits there in silence, but she finally looks at me. The impenetrable wall is back on her face. I have no idea what she is thinking. I decide I should just go for broke. “I’m going to start looking for a place of my own this afternoon.”
For the first time Catherine looks at me with real emotion. “What? Why?”
“I think it is for the best. This was only supposed to be temporary anyway. I’ve been living here for weeks.”
“The best for who? I like having you here. There is no need for you to move out. Temporary has no definitive end date. Stay.”
“I don’t know Catherine. I tried to kiss you, or at least almost kissed you. I don’t know how it got that far. All I remember is laughing with you then realizing our foreheads were together. I opened my eyes to see you staring at me horrified. I know it is all my fault. Why aren’t you tossing me out?”
“I would never do that. In the end you didn’t kiss me. It was probably just the talk from earlier in the night, combined with the alcohol and the growing level of comfort we feel around one another. I want you to stay. Having you here is wonderful. Don’t leave.” Catherine’s words are nice, but I wish that she meant them in the way that I want her to, a way I know she never will.
I have no idea how to answer that except with humor. “Why Catherine I do believe that is the closest I have ever seen you come to begging.”
Catherine chuckles before regaining control and retorting “That is the last bit of begging you will ever see me do.” I really wish this wasn’t true, but know that it is.
“So—.”
“I’d say we are good.” Catherine is headed for the stairs before I can protest.
Catherine
Alex may be good now, but I am not. I am a coward. First, I can’t confess that it was also my fault or that I wanted to kiss her. Wanted to feel her warm lips on my own, to bite and suck on her pouty lower lip. I couldn’t tell Alex any of it. I still felt the urge to do those things as I looked at her hurting across from me. Instead I sat there pretending to be all unfeeling. It worked right up until she mentioned moving out. The mere thought of Alex moving out tears at something inside me. I don’t want her to go. Pro move on my part, piling all the excuses for my feelings onto her. I hate myself for allowing her to feel alone in this and thinking that everything is down to her behavior. I do it out of self preservation. Self preservation in that it allows me time to figure out my emotions and deal with them or to continue ignoring them now that Alex has taken the blame for herself. I am a coward, so I flee the basement, similar to Alex running out of the party last night.
“Breakfast?” Alex has followed me upstairs pulling my attention from the pit of self loathing I find myself in.
“Sure what do you have in mind?” I try to keep up the facade that everything is fine.
“Whatever you feel like, something with carbs though.” She smiles at me and the guilt hits me like a shot to the stomach. I try to turn my face to stone, to not let my emotions slip through.
“Surprise me. I need a shower first though.” A shower to wash away the filth I feel for lying about my role in what happened, for allowing Alex to hurt and to feel like shit thinking it is all her fault.
“Ok go get in. Food should be ready by the time you are finished.”
*****
My shower offers none of the relief it usually does. No amount of scrubbing can wash away the shame and self loathing I feel for not being honest with Alex. What kind of person have I become? I know what I need to do but I’m not sure I can do it. I need to tell Alex the truth. What truth? I have no idea. I’m not even certain what is happening. If I confess what will happen? Will she feel like I’m playing a game, leading her on? How am I even supposed to sort all of this out? I decide that I am going to tell Alex, explain everything that I can. I can’t let her go on thinking she is entirely to blame.
I finish my shower, get dressed and head to the kitchen. I don’t quite make it there when I realize I hear voices. Taylor is back. I realize she and Alex are talking about what happened last night. I hide in the hallway and once again find myself being a snoop.
“Thats the thing, I don’t know how it happened. I know I can’t lie to myself and deny my desire for her. I have wanted her since the first moment I saw her. Who wouldn’t? Only I thought it would lessen once I got to know her or that at least I could keep it under control. Problem is that my desire has only strengthened and I clearly can’t control it can I? Now I have crossed a boundary I never meant to.”
So much information I didn’t know. Had Alex really hidden her attraction to me so well or did I just chose to ignore it? I feel torn up inside. Half of me is thankful that I am not the only one struggling with this, the other half is hurting because of how much Alex is struggling with this.
“If I’m being honest that didn’t look all that one sided to me. Not after what I saw at the first party.”
“Want to fill me in?” I continue listening thinking me too.
“Don’t you remember out in the driveway? Nikki and I found you and Cat with your arms locked around each other. It went on way too long to just be a hug. When I spoke up Cat couldn’t jump away fast enough.”
“I remember that. What about it?” Alex remembers, but I don’t. I really did drink too much.
“I’m just saying that none of this is typical Cat behavior. She isn’t a hugger, much less an embracer. Abby said last night that you and Cat had some argument in the cab on your way back to the first party, sounds like Cat was jealous. Then last night, I just don’t think that ended up the way it did simply because of your feelings. I’m not a Cat expert, you know we aren’t that close, but something just seems different here.” Thanks Taylor. I don’t know what is going on in my own head yet she has everything neatly broken down.
“I don’t know. I can’t trust my own judgment here. I would love it if you were right but I doubt that you are. Catherine has told me she has never been with a woman before. Anyway I offered to move out but she insisted I stay.”
“Well you know, Cat and I look enough alike. We can go downstairs—.”
“No we can’t. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I don’t want a Catherine replacement, you are not a Catherine substitute, and no matter what she is or is not feeling she would be the one to get hurt in the end. I don’t want to hurt her. If I’m being honest I’m surprised that you would even suggest it.”
There it is, that feeling again. I still don’t know if I simply feel a sense of pride for Alex or if it is something more. It is a warmth that spreads throughout my body, hitting my chest the hardest. I’m so lost, maybe more than I have ever been.
“Surprised? Why? Do you even realize how sexy you are? Come to Cali, I ca
n set you up with a different woman every night.”
“Thanks, I think. I’m gonna pass on that offer though. That may be something that works for you but it has never really been my thing. I need more than just physical attraction.”
“You have my number if you change your mind.” When did they exchange numbers?
My window to talk to Alex is gone, I can’t have this conversation with her in front of Taylor. I also realize that I need to make my presence known. Surely this has been the longest shower in the history of showers. I complete the trip back to the kitchen. “Is that bacon I smell?”
“Yes, and pancakes, blueberry and regular.” If Alex suspects that I’ve heard anything she isn’t letting it show.
“Smells amazing. Anything I can do?” Good thing I couldn’t rid myself of that stain in the shower. I clearly won’t be confessing anytime soon.
“Nope all finished. Taylor is getting plates and utensils around. I guess you could grab the juice.”