by Diana Kane
“Got it.” Try as I might I can’t make eye contact with Alex.
“What time do you have two have to leave for the airport?”
“Her flight leaves at six. We have to leave by three. Want to join us?” As soon as I ask I realize that it would mean an hour and a half drive with Alex alone. I don’t know what I want to say to her, I just know that I don’t want to be driving when I finally say it.
“No, I think I’m going to stay home and relax. Abby has been blowing up my phone all morning so I’ll have to touch base with her as well.” My shoulders sag a bit with relief. I know that I am a terrible person.
“I’m jealous. I need a day where I just stay in. Enjoy it. If you change your mind you are welcome to join us.”
*****
“So you wanna talk about it?” Taylor and I are headed to the airport. I am distracted and not being good company. All the questions that have plagued me since last night are still parading through my head. I am no closer to having any answers. I still feel like a terrible person for lying to Alex as well. I’m certain I’m a real joy to be around.
“About?” I try evade this, play dumb. Taylor and I have never seen eye to eye, would she even understand anything if I did talk to her?
“Oh come on Cat, cut the crap. I saw that last night. You don’t get to pretend that nothing happened. I talked to Alex. She feels like shit because she thinks she did something wrong. She blames herself for all of it, only I was there. That wasn’t just her. You’ve never been one to lie, one to not take accountability for your own behavior. You don’t get to start now, not when someone else’s emotions are involved. Someone you consider a friend.”
Taylor is right, completely right. I still don’t have any answers, am not even sure if I should be talking to her about any of this. I take a deep breath and whisper the only response I have. “I know.”
“Look, I know you and I have never been close. We’ve approached life differently for as long as I can remember. You don’t agree with how I live my life, I know that. But sis, there is something happening and it is time you stop lying to yourself about it or denying that it is taking place.”
“I don’t even know what is happening though, don’t you get that?” Hot tears start to burn my eyes. I fight them back, not wanting to cry in front of Taylor.
“Well start somewhere. What happened last night?”
“I have no idea. Alex and I were joking around and the next thing I knew we were almost kissing. Honestly, I wanted to kiss her. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted to kiss anyone so badly. At the same time I was terrified. I don’t know what that means. I’ve never wanted to kiss a woman before.”
“Yeah, that didn’t look one sided when it happened. So why did you let Alex blame herself for it this morning?” I’m shocked, I thought Taylor would at least do some gloating at my confession of wanting to kiss a woman, but she doesn’t.
“I don’t know. Last night she ran away. I tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer. I went home hoping to find her, but she wasn’t there. I waited up for her but fell asleep before she came home. When I tried to talk to her this morning she just took all the blame. I was a shameful coward and let her. She told me she thought she should move out and I felt like someone had cut a part of me off. I basically begged her not to.” I can’t contain it anymore. The stress, the shame, the self loathing, and the desperation to find answers that seemingly aren’t there all start to cascade down my cheeks.
“Cat, take a deep breath. Try to calm down.”
“What am I supposed to do though?” I’m so emotional right now that I’m grateful that traffic is light.
“I can’t tell you that. This is something you have to work out on your own. Do you care about Alex?”
“Of course I do. What kind of question is that?”
“Yeah but do you CARE about Alex. How do you feel when you see her, hear her voice, hear her name? Does it all just feel platonic or is there something deeper there?”
“I don’t know Taylor. Before last night I hadn’t thought about it. Now I can’t stop thinking about it, what it means. I’ve never been with a woman, nor have I ever wanted to be with a woman. Then last night I nearly kissed one, I wanted to kiss one. How is that even possible?”
“Well there must be something about her that you find attractive, or at least something that attracts you to her. She is pretty damn hot and seems like a genuine down to earth person as well. Either way Cat, no matter what you decide you have to be careful. Alex is a person with real feelings. She clearly has feelings for you. I don’t know how strong they are but it doesn’t matter. Even if she is just lusting after you, you need to be certain before you start something. The two of you could get through this and wind up the best of friends, or you could fuck it all up and lose her forever.”
Alexis
I need to respond to Abby. I hate talking on the phone so I simply text her telling her to get take out and come over. It is a long shot if she is even available. She responds in less than five minutes letting me know she is on her way.
True to her word Abby shows up in half an hour with pizza and ice cream. “You didn’t say what you wanted me to get. I figured this might be a carb and sugar kind of night so we have pizza and moose tracks.”
“That actually sounds great. Thanks for doing that.” Abby always instinctively knows what I need, even if I don’t. Probably her maternal instincts spilling over into the rest of her life.
“Where’s Catherine?” I put the ice cream in the freezer and grab some plates and napkins.
“Taking Taylor to Metro. She won’t be back before six for sure. It doesn’t matter though, she won’t mind that you are here.”
“You sure about that? I think I irritated both of you last night with that comment.” As we settle in at the dining room table I realize I’ve forgotten drinks.
“You did. I didn’t think Catherine cared one way or another until she gave you that look as she was walking away. What was that about anyway? What do you want to drink? We’ve got water, juice, beer, wine, various liquors.” I know I’m having water. I had enough to drink last night and am too stressed out to be drinking.
“Just water. I can’t even think about drinking for at least a month!”
“So dinner and drinks Friday after work?” I give her my best devil made me do it smile.
“Probably. I have to check though. Anyway sorry about that comment.”
“Abby you don’t need to be sorry, I would like to know where it came from.” Really that knowledge is my sole concern on this subject. Dave didn’t make the best impression and I couldn't care less what he thinks about how things are between Catherine and I.
“I’m just worried about you. You were with Elena for forever and that break up busted you up inside for a while, long before it was actually official. I know you harbor some feelings for Catherine, I get it. I’m just worried that you are going to get hurt again. Hurt if she doesn’t feel the same or hurt if she gives it a go and then realizes she can’t. I love you and I can’t just stand by and watch you get hurt.” I’m touched by Abby’s sentiment. If the situation were reversed, and really it is, I would feel the same.
“Love you too.” Abby is one of the only people I say these words to. “So speaking on this topic, we need to talk about Dave. I know you two have talked and whatever. I don’t exactly know where you left off with that but he was quite clearly into Catherine last night. I’m not just saying he found her attractive, he was eye fucking her before he even knew her name. It pissed me off, not because of my attraction to Catherine, but because it was disrespectful of you. I just want you to be careful is all.”
Abby looks sad. “I know.” She grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Good thing we have each other. Someone has to look out for us.”
“Absolutely, always.” I finish my slice of pizza. “You know you probably could have just brought the ice cream. We should be honest and just admit that is what we really want anyway.”
Abby laughs. “I know, but you know I like to fool myself. So you ready to talk about it?”
“Yes. No. I feel like I’ve been talking about it all day.” Abby give me her oh really look. “No, not just with myself. First Catherine this morning, then Taylor.”
“You already talked to Catherine? How did that go?”
“I don’t know. I took the blame. I know it was my fault. I don’t know how I ended up almost kissing her but I know it is on me. I offered to move out but she wouldn’t hear of it.”
“I bet she wouldn’t.” Abby’s tone harbors sarcasm and a hint of irritation. It is my turn to give the confused look. “Come on Alex. Do you really believe that was all your fault? We all saw it. No way that was all on you. She had plenty of opportunity to pull out of that situation, well before you realized what was happening. She didn’t. Even if it were your fault, it really isn’t. She has been leading you on since the night you moved in. That whole thing with the lingerie, whatever Taylor said she interrupted in the driveway at the party, the cab ride argument on the way to that same party. Do I need to go on?” Abby gives me time to process this. “If I told you that all of these things had happened between me and some guy what would you think?”
She has me. “I honestly don’t know, but probably that he was jealous and had feelings for you.”
“Then what makes this any different? This is exactly why I’m worried.”
“Well for one Catherine isn’t into women, has never been with a woman. Second, it is me. Why would a—“ Abby doesn’t let me finish.
“Oh no. Don’t you dare downgrade your worth! Do you not comprehend that one of the most attractive things about you is that you do not seem to know you are physically attractive? That is just the surface. Adding to it you have a huge heart. Sure you barely let anyone in there or let anyone really get to know you, but when you do who wouldn’t love you? So no, don’t you dare try to say that there is no way someone could ever have those feelings for you.”
Wow. I’m shocked. Abby knows me as well as, if not better than, anyone else. She is one of the only people who knows everything about my past. I so rarely see her so spirited about something that I don’t have a response. Abby eventually continues, negating my need for one.
“Look, I’m not saying that she does have feelings for you. I am saying that it looks suspicious. She might not even realize it. I’m just saying there are warning signs all over the place.”
“Well Taylor wasn’t as passionate about it as you but she seemed to think something is different with Catherine. I can’t sit judge on this one. There are three sides to this situation, my side clouded with my past experiences and emotions, Catherine’s side clouded by hers and the truth. I just wish I knew what the truth is.”
“I know love, I know.” Abby allows me a few minutes to think about the cyclone of thoughts in my head. “What do you say we get that ice cream and watch a movie?”
“I say sounds like a nice Friday night. Anything in mind?”
“Well I never did get to see Love Actually this holiday season? Is it too late? Or do you want to watch something less romantic?”
“It is never too late. Less romantic? I think we could both stand a little hope in our lives right now, even if it isn’t practical.”
Catherine
I get home from the airport with my head still a jumbled mess, the strange car in my driveway barely diverting my attention. My talk with Taylor only cleared up one point: I need to know how I feel before I confess anything to Alex. I don’t want to lead her on if I really am not ready or able to commit to something. I have no desire to hurt Alex, yet I feel like no matter what I say or do, hurting Alex is exactly what will happen. I realize that despite the anxiety I’m feeling I am starving. Breakfast feels like forever ago. I head to the basement to see if Alex is hungry when I notice the pizza box on the table. Odd, Alex has told me before she isn’t a big fan of pizza delivery. I head down the steps not trying to conceal my presence. I can hear the TV, I know Alex is here. I am not prepared for what I walk in on though. Alex is curled up on the couch with some woman, their shoulders resting against each other, a blanket draped over them both. I forgot about the car in the driveway. Jealously instantly rears its head inside me. It is foreign to me. I can’t recall if I have ever been jealous since childhood. I know I wasn’t when I found out Brian was cheating on me.
“Hey Catherine.” How does Alex hear everything? The woman with Alex turns around, I’m shocked to see Abby.
“Hi Catherine. Want to join us?” I am so confused. What is happening here?
“No thank you. I was just seeing if Alex is hungry. I’ll leave you to it.” I try to head upstairs but Alex stops me.
“If you’re hungry there is some pizza on the table upstairs and ice cream in the freezer. Help yourself.” She never turns to look at me, not once. She and Abby have snuggled back up together, my presence forgotten.
*****
I give up on sleeping around 4 am. Emotions I can’t reconcile still war in my head. I head for the pool hoping the best therapist I could ever ask for can help. I push myself hard, probably too hard. While my body feels great, I’m just as confused as ever. I need a shower and breakfast. It is nearly five on Saturday morning. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my day.
Showered and dressed I make it to the kitchen around 5:30. Alex is there making our breakfast smoothies, even though she has the day off as well. “Hope you want a smoothie, I sorta assumed you would.”
“Yeah that would be great. Abby gone?” Alex gives me a look.
“Catherine how many times do you have to hear that there is nothing going on between Abby and I? Of course she is gone. She left around ten last night.” Alex shakes her head, it is subtle but I still catch it.
“It looked like more than nothing last night. You two looked awfully comfortable.” Wow jealously turns me into an ugly bitch.
“Yeah well I’ve heard that some of the things you’ve done lately looked like they were more complicated than you have suggested they were. Guess things aren’t always what they seem.” Alex pours half the smoothie into her glass and slams the blender back down onto the counter. “Enough, I can’t deal with this right now.” With that she disappears back into the basement.
*****
Alex and I spend the rest of the weekend avoiding each other. I leave the house a little early on Monday morning in an effort to avoid another confrontation with her. I know we have to figure something out or our living arrangement will become untenable, but not this morning. I get my rounding done quickly and check on the new consults we have. With nothing left to take care of I head to the OR to review and update charts. I need to keep moving today if I hope to stay awake. My internal struggle kept me awake most of the weekend and sleep deprivation is knocking at my door.
I get to the room to discover Alex is one of my scrubs today. Another reminder of why they say don’t shit where you eat. Emotions war within me, distracting me. Is this how it has been for her? If so, she hid it well, her focus has always been laser sharp. She breaks scrub and leaves the room without acknowledging me. I have a feeling it is going to be a very long day.
My hunch was correct, it has been a long day. Alex is ignoring me unless it is related to the case. I don’t want to force her to interact with me but I can’t stand it. I try to get her attention all day, nothing works. I think by the end of her shift she has said fewer than 15 words to me, most of them single syllable. At home that night she avoids me, a recluse in the basement when she can be and tiptoeing around me when she can’t.
We go on like this for the better part of a month. I am at my wits end. I am not sleeping. When I do my dreams are haunted by instant replay of our near kiss. Only in dreams sometimes I run, sometimes we kiss. Even my subconscious has no answers. I need to talk to Alex, to at least try to let her know what is happening on my end, to make the confession I should have made weeks ago.
*****
It is another long day and is just after seven when I arrive home. I have been working myself up to this and need to do it tonight, no matter how tired I am. I can hear the music coming from the basement. I know she is here. If I announce myself she will ignore me, so I head down, hoping she will hear me out. It is already too late when I realize that music isn’t the only thing I’m hearing. I’m greeted by the site of Alex fucking some woman I’ve never seen before. Alex has her pinned against the bar, their backs to me. I need to get out of here but can’t look away. Alex is stroking her from behind, pulling her head back by her hair, forcing a brief kiss before releasing her hair and moving her hand down to a breast. Their moans are loud and their breathing quick. I can see sweat coating Alex’s body. My senses finally override my arousal and I quietly retreat back up the stairs. Arousal isn’t the only thing I am feeling though. I realize a part of me feels hurt. I have no right to feel this way but I do.
Alexis