by Diana Kane
“Do you know who you are?” I’ll stick to yes or no questions, see if she can answer. A barely audible yes followed by a nod. Relief sets in. “Do you know who I am?” She doesn’t answer immediately and I feel the icy cold grip of what surely must be death around my heart. Finally she nods that she does, leaving me to wonder if she needed the time or had been trying to speak. “Do you remember the accident?” Again she delays before answering. She finally manages to croak out a no. “What about Abby? Do you remember Abby?” Without hesitation she nods and whispers that she does. “I need to text Abby, tell her that you are awake. Ok?” She nods her agreement and I send Abby the text. She immediately responds that she will be here as soon as she can. I need to slip back into doctor mode, to complete a new assessment.
Abby arrives and practically pulls Alex out of the bed to hug her. Alex’s facial expression shifts, something resembling happiness taking hold. Happiness that I didn’t see there for me. I should go, I will go, but first I need to get Abby up to speed. Abby isn’t done though. She bolts around the bed and wraps her arms around me. I’m not sure who is more surprised, Alex or myself.
“Thank you Catherine, thank you!”
“Alex, I’m going to step out and give Abby an update. She will be right back.” Alex scowls and shakes her head. Abby laughs, almost uncontrollably.
“Think you’re giving me the update here doc.”
“Guess so. Well as you can see she is awake and aware of what is happening around her. She is having difficulty speaking which could just be from being intubated. I haven’t done a memory assessment yet but she did say she knows who she is, and she remembers you. She doesn’t remember the accident though and she hesitated when I asked her if she knew who I am. We’ll assess her motor skills more thoroughly once we can get her up on her feet, but so far they look to be ok. I’ll come by in a little bit to see how she is doing.” I look at Alex one last time before I head for the door, intending to leave.
“Alex I’ll be right back. I need to speak with Catherine.” Abby follows me into the hall and pulls me into the nearby stairwell. “What the hell was that? You said you were going to be here if she woke up! She is awake and you’re running!” I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Abby so pissed off.
The tears I fought off when Alex woke up are back. I can’t stop them this time. “Abby I was so happy when she woke up, but she either wasn’t happy to see me or doesn’t know who I am. What am I supposed to do with either of those? I’m keeping her case but I can’t spend every minute with her right now. It is breaking my heart.”
Abby gives me a hug. Once finished she puts a hand on each of my shoulders and forces me to look her in the eyes. “Just don’t give up yet. We will get this sorted out.” She briefly hugs me again before leaving to rejoin Alex. I loiter in the stairwell until I regain control of my emotions. I make my way back to the on call room, hoping my puffy eyes don’t attract any unwanted attention. Thankfully it is the predawn hours of Monday morning and foot traffic is scarce.
Alexis
I wake up and find myself in a state of total bewilderment. My head is pounding. Where the hell am I? Did I drink way too much last night? Why is Catherine sleeping with her head in my lap? I scan the room and realize I must be in the hospital, the generic furnishings and color seem familiar. I have no idea why. Instinctively I check my head, the right side feels fine. I check the left side to discover that my hair has been shaved and there are some bandages in place. Catherine wakes up while I’m trying to work out what has happened. I focus on wiggling my toes. They seem to work giving me some measure of relief. Catherine is talking to me. I try to answer, even know what it is I want to say but my voice isn’t cooperating, my throat is raw. Where is Abby? Abby would be here if it were serious. Catherine continues to question me. The questions, why the questions? What has happened? Was it serious? She asks if I know who she is. Does she think I could forget her so easily? She finally asks if I remember the accident. I try to recall it but I can’t. I don’t even remember leaving work that night. More questions and a physical exam. Was Catherine my doctor? Did she save me? She doesn’t bother revealing her findings to me as she completes her exam.
Abby arrives and nearly throws herself on top of me to give me a hug. Catherine tries to speak to Abby about my condition in private. No fucking way. I need answers. My facial expressions must be working at least because Abby laughs and they speak in front of me. Catherine leaves and Abby follows her out. When Abby returns she seems happy, yet a bit perplexed. What has Catherine told her?
I look to Abby expectantly. I try to speak. I want to know what happened. I managed a croaked noise, incomprehensible, even to me. I point to the bottle of water, maybe water will help. Abby isn’t sure if I’m allowed anything by mouth yet. She sends a text to someone, I assume Catherine (when did they exchange numbers?), and leaves the room. She comes back with some ice chips. It is a start.
I eat some of the ice chips and try to speak again. This time I manage to audibly whisper, asking Abby what happened. Abby looks at me, I’m not sure why she won’t tell me. Finally she gives in, starts to fill me in.
“I don’t know everything. I was at the conference in San Antonio when I got a call from Catherine. She told me that there had been an accident, that you were hurt and that I needed to get here, that she was taking you down to surgery. I have never heard her sound the way she did on the phone that night. She sounded so shaken and scared. Normally she strikes me as ultra confident, has a lot of bravado to her. Not that night. I knew it must be bad, so I got on the next flight and headed home. You were out of surgery and here in the ICU when I arrived. Catherine was camped out at your side. I told her that I could take over and she could get some sleep at home but she refused. In fact she refused to leave your side at all. She has been on call so she would quickly do her rounds and shower here before I left each day. No one has sat in that chair over there but Catherine. She’s basically been holding a vigil of sorts from that chair. She cancelled all of her cases for today. She refused to leave your side, said she couldn’t.” Abby pauses, as if she wants to let this information sink in. I’m hearing her, I know what her point is. I remember clearly how I feel about Catherine, I still ache for her, actually thought for a second that we were together when I saw her sleeping with her head in my lap. Thought that, until it hit me that I couldn’t remember being with her. I look at Abby trying to tell her to continue. I finally manage it, another hoarse whisper.
“Right, anyway, I arrived and Catherine debriefed me on your status. You had been in an accident, hit by one of the city buses in the driver’s side door. You were unconscious when the paramedics arrived, bleeding from your face and skull. It seems that you hit your head on the window and the window shattered. The scan showed you had a subdural hematoma with a midline shift. She gave you a few burr holes and drains. This was Friday evening. It is Monday. You have been slowly regaining consciousness since. Your scans look good, she can’t see any permanent damage.”
Abby gives me time. Time to let everything she has told me to sink in. She knows she doesn’t have to elaborate, that I will understand. I’ve been out for a few days. Not great but could have been worse. I know that means that I was intubated for a decent amount of it. Hopefully that is why I’m having trouble talking. It has to be that or my cords were strained or damaged when I was intubated. I want to see the damage though. I need a mirror. I managed to croak the word phone to Abby.
“You want your phone?” I nod yes. I can reverse the camera and use that as a mirror. “You didn’t have your phone on you when you were brought in. I went to the lot on Saturday and collected anything I could from your car. I found your phone but left it at my place with the few other things you had in the car. I’ll pick it up after our cases today and bring it to you.”
Damn. I point to Abby’s phone. She finally figures out that I want it and hands it over. I reverse the camera and assess the damage I can. I have several gashes and a small slash o
n the left side of my face. It looks like it was closed expertly. Abby sees me assessing it and informs me that Catherine forced Sara to do it. I’m not sure if I am surprised or not, but I am grateful. My head is half shaved, half not. I feel like Two-Face from the Batman comics. Better to just shave it all and have an even grow back. I grab a hunk with my left hand and mimic scissors with my right.
“You want a haircut? Now?” The tone in Abby’s voice makes it clear that she finds my request unbelievable.
“Yes.” A bit above a whisper. Improving, I think, and grab another ice chip. Abby takes her phone back and sends another text. A few seconds later her phone chimes.
“Catherine says she will bring the clippers with her when she checks in later. You can wait until then.” Irritating, but it isn’t like I will be going anywhere. “I’ve got to get downstairs for our cases soon. You need me to bring you anything?”
I think about it and realize that I have nothing to do. My sole source of entertainment will be the small television with the limited channel selection. It isn’t going to be long before I am bored and when I get bored I get restless and crabby. I look at Abby and manage the word book. “Of course you want a book. I’ll see what I can do.” With that, Abby is gone. Twenty minutes later she returns from the pharmacy on the corner with a pair of paperbacks and a puzzle book. I smile and hold out my arms to give her a hug. Abby leaves me to head downstairs. I realize I’m exhausted and lower the head of my bed so I can sleep.
*****
I wake up to find Catherine asleep in the chair on my right. She looks so peaceful, her guard fully down. So she really did cancel her day for me? Where was she in a hurry to get to this morning then? I had been actively avoiding her before the accident. I needed to move on, to get over my feelings for her. A part of me felt guilty for moving out of her house without telling her first. As much as I’d like to say I did it for her, I also know that I did it to protect myself. I had let her in and in doing so had fallen for her. She will never be able to be to me what I want her to be. Seeing her there I quickly realize I have not made any progress on this front. I still long to touch her, wish she would crawl into this bed with me and sleep. I don’t want to wake her so I leave the television off, instead opting for the puzzle book that Abby brought me. I open it to the first crossword but instead focus on Catherine, enjoying the serenity she seems to have found in her slumber.
Catherine starts to wake up about twenty minutes later. I look down at the puzzle and realize I have not completed a single clue. I’ve been too absorbed in the sight of her, lost in a trance of sorts, as if the sight of Catherine has the ability to hypnotize me. I quickly focus on the puzzle trying to fill in as many clues as I can before Catherine comes to. I manage three before I realize Catherine is awake and now she is the one watching me. When I look up she smiles, but it isn’t her usual confidence filled smile, this one houses a certain sadness, the smile never reaching her eyes. It is like a dagger to my heart.
“Hey, have you been awake very long?” Catherine tries to stifle a yawn, and fails. I shake my head. “Still not able to talk?”
“A little.” Still hoarse but improving bit by bit. We sit, staring at one another. I wish I knew what she is thinking.
“Alex, I—,” a nurse comes in to record my vitals, something that takes place every hour. She is young, pretty, has a nice smile. She makes some small talk at me and tries to crack a joke. I don’t find it that funny but I still put on my best faking it smile and give a fake chuckle, or at least the impersonation of one since the sound doesn’t really come out. Before she leaves my side she puts her hand on my shoulder and reminds me to use the call light if I need anything. She trails her fingertips down my arm as she leaves.
“I think she likes you.” I shrug, it isn’t important to me. “Maybe before you leave the floor you should ask her out. She was cute.” I shake my head no. “Why not?” I don’t answer, instead I just stare back at her.
“You were saying?” Three words, they feel like little razors in my throat as I focus on trying to ensure they are audible. Catherine hesitates. I know that whatever she was going to say is gone, she has decided against it.
“Abby said that you wanted these.” She pulls the clippers from the pocket of her lab coat. I nod that I do want them. “You sure?”
“Yes”
Catherine stands grabbing a pair of bath towels as well. She is about to hand me the clippers but stops just short. “Want me to do it?” I think about it a second and realize I do. I can’t see what I would be doing and making sure I do it right and don’t end up with strips or patches of long hair would be difficult.
Catherine approaches the head of my bed, leans in and wraps one of the bath towels around my shoulders and neck. I instantly know that this is going to be a torture of its own kind. I can smell her customary scent of vanilla and her proximity sends chills down my spine. The height of my bed has her breasts at the same level as my face. She is wearing a scrub top under her lab coat and as she leans in I am given a clear view of what the top contains. The lacy navy bra and her scent combine to form a lust elixir that I know I cannot drink. I close my eyes, only opening them when I can feel Catherine has backed away.
“Ready?” I nod that I am. The haircut takes an eternity. Catherine’s proximity a slow torture that I don’t want to end, yet can’t stand to have it continue. I want to pull her onto the bed with me but resist the undying urge. When she finishes she rubs the newly cut hair, brushing away my shorn locks. “Well at least you don’t have a oddly shaped head.” She doesn’t stop rubbing. I lean into her hand, and by default her. She continues briefly then trails her fingers down the side of my cheek. I want to take that hand, kiss the palm and hold it in my own, but I can’t.
Catherine situates herself back into the chair I’ve been told she has lived in the last few days. She looks at me and I’m sure she can see it, the desire I feel for her oozing out of my pores. “They will be moving you to a regular inpatient room later today. Do you need anything?”
You, just you, I think to myself. “Laptop, Kindle.”
“Ok. I’ll grab them…I mean I’ll text Abby, ask her if she can get them from your place.” Catherine looks sad. What have I done to her? “You didn’t have to leave Alex. I never wanted you to leave.” I offer her no response. What can I say to her that will make her understand? What can I say to her that won’t let her in any deeper than she already is? We sit in silence, Catherine staring at me, me looking down at my own lap. “I’ll check back with you later today.” She rises from her chair and turns her back to me, to leave. I don’t want her to go. Desperate, I slap the table that holds my books and now melted ice chips. She jumps at the sound, but it works, she turns to look at me, eyebrows raised.
“Stay if you want.” Another whisper that I am certain she cannot hear. Catherine hesitates momentarily. I am certain she will leave and am shocked when she turns around and takes her seat.
“Have you been out of that bed yet?” I haven’t. I’ve thought about it but haven’t. I shake my head. “Do you want to try?” I do. Catherine lowers the rail on the side of the bed. “You need to go slow and be careful.” I can feel the stiffness in my lower back as I move to swing my legs over the side of the bed, the muscles there are screaming too. Catherine lowers the bed until my feet touch the floor and positions herself in front of me. I start the upward movement slowly, feeling my legs protest the further off the bed I get. Just as I gain the confidence that I am going to make it my arms weaken and give, sending me stumbling forward, right into Catherine’s waiting arms. The scent of her vanilla once again luring me to come closer, the heat from her body igniting my skin. I am now certain that I did not survive my accident, that I am now stuck in my own private hell, where Catherine will torture me for all eternity. We remain locked in this faux embrace until my legs start to shake, threatening to fail me much like my arms did moments ago. Catherine returns me to the bed. “Not too bad.”
I eye Catheri
ne, my face relaying my skepticism and sarcastic retort. She laughs. “Ok well do you want a shower?” I am frozen, unable to answer, the thought of Catherine’s hands on my body too much. Catherine detects my panic. “We can get an aide and a shower chair for you.” I realize that I do want a shower, badly. I nod my head to let Catherine know. “What else do you want? Food?” Again, yes. “Ok. I’ll put in the order for you to get the shower. When they come to help you I’ll call down and see about getting you some food. Want to watch some Game of Thrones with me? I finally started watching it.” I do. Anything that will keep her here with me.
Catherine
I’m the one who needs a shower, an ice cold one, I think when the aide arrives to help Alex. My physical contact with her has every cell in my body on fire. I want to tell her how I feel, to crawl into her bed and hold her. I nearly tried to kissed her after I cut her hair but the memory of her rejection dampened my ambition, inhibiting my desire. “I’ll be back shortly. Do you need anything?”
“No, thanks.” She manages it in a strained whisper. Better than it has been. As I leave I feel a small tinge of jealousy towards the aide. I shake my head at my own thoughts and emotions. Get yourself together Catherine.